Your voice is fine, but you're mumbling a bit. If you're doing commentary, you should talk loudly and eloquent so people can hear ya
Also, it never hurts to shoot some clips where you fail, then comment on how and why. This is sort of a FPS-syndrome I think, can't say if you've played any. One of my friends and I played the heck out of Counter-Strike some years ago, and he would fraps it and put together videos. He took care of it all, but it all ended up being 20 clips of me and him doing really great kills, even though the other 70% of the time we were the one getting owned. It looked like we were insane, but it was completely biased from the editing. Everyone fails, so to put a video together where no fails are shown, is not very genuine.
You also swear quite a bit, which I am fine with, I do too, but some might be put off by it, but if it's a part of you, it's a part of you, don't change yourself just because you're doing commentary.