My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Part 8: Mmmcake

[Deleted]

Think I'm gonna head off to bed then.
G'night everypony!

[Freyera]

Anyways, not staying long tonight. I'm nodding off, so bead sleep time for me.

[IMG]http://th04.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/096/9/e/sleeping_applejack_by_sh2otingstar-d4v8c8m.png[/IMfG]

That's what I need to do. Nighty

I'm back. I feel sick.

Yey it's Sofii!

---------- Post added 2012-07-22 at 02:01 AM ----------

Think I'm gonna head off to bed then.
G'night everypony!

Night to you too.

[Coffer]

Back.

I'm back. I feel sick.

Something wrong?

---------- Post added 2012-07-22 at 10:07 AM ----------

The fingers. They're multiplying.

[Sofii]

Back.



Something wrong?

Yes. Very much so.

[Coffer]

Yes. Very much so.

You will have to explain yourself then.

[DrkSorcerer]

What a lack of ponies in the ponies thread!

[Coffer]

Accepting defeat after being at the top for so long can be difficult.

I wish there was a higher res version of that pic. I can only really describe it as being "hauntingly beautiful."
Context: China 2008. 2007 champion Kimi Raikkonen, who had already dropped out of contention for the 2008 title, lets teammate Felipe Massa, who was still in contention, pass him in order to allow him a better shot at winning the championship. Yes, it's the two people that I have in my sig.

[raveger]

What a lack of ponies in the ponies thread!

ruomligs stream is happening sooo thread tends to slow down a tad =p

[Naro]

What a lack of ponies in the ponies thread!
[IMG]http://iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/greatrheadsmall4872.gif[IMG]

Oh, hello!

I do not know you.

[Thoroar]

I return from the dreamy world of sleep.
Hai!

---------- Post added 2012-07-22 at 09:52 AM ----------

What a lack of ponies in the ponies thread!
[IMG]http://iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/greatrheadsmall4872.gif[IMG]

Oh! oh! New poni? I approve of your choice of Avatar and Signature \o/

[Coffer]

And I think I'm going to go rest for a little bit. That speaking exam was exhausting as heck.

[Azmaria]

Lurky lurk.
I blame the meeting I had at work.

[Deleted]

I think you all deserve to know what happened to me the last couple of days. But to understand some of the things you have to know about me and my life, which many of you don't because I tend to keep many things secret. Not because I do not want you to know, but because I'm not very comfortable talking about it. But my last posts were pathetic, and my actions the last few days has been even more pathetic, and I think you all deserve to know why.

I guess this will be my apologize letter, my 'what ponies did for me' as well as my story. If you do not want to read it, I understand - This wall of text already looks like a mountain in my head.

I was brought to this world by accident. My mother had, two year prior of my birth, lost her first child. That threw her into a depression that she did not know how to get out of. But in that depression, she met my father. They were together for three days before breaking up because, as my mother says, "He wouldn't leave me alone". She did not know she was pregnant at the time, and she broke up with him, but he didn't accept it. He followed her, put notes in her mailbox with her name on it and nothing more (notes she still have today and I have seen). This resulted in her moving back to her mothers, even though they had never been on friendly terms. Living there was hell according to her, but she found out after a week or so that she was pregnant with me. And she signed for an abortion.

Luckily for me, she got cold feet and thought that this might be her second chance. All of this I did not know until a few days ago.

She tried to raise me, but due to my father following us all the time, her psyche got worse and worse. She fought in court so she could keep me, and keep my father away, and after two years she won. But he still wouldn't leave us alone. So we had to run, live under secret address with police protection. He still called us, he threatened to kill us both if we did not stop running.

And then she found out that she had cancer. Leukemia. And that broke her completely. So she started to drink - One of the earliest memories I have is seeing her fall in her bedroom and smash her head into the side of the bed, leaving her unconscious and bleeding on the floor. I was about 5-6 years old when this happened, and we lived alone. I had to go over to our neighbor because I did not know what to do, and they called an ambulance. (As you might imagine, my whole childhood is a bit blurry due to moving around all the time, so I do not remember my ago completely). I was removed from her and put into foster care. You see, I couldn't stay with my father, because he was in jail. He had killed a man in a fight, and had to serve years in jail. (He got out in 2006) But my luck would not have it so easy. All the foster families and foster homes I got placed in somehow closed down or dissolved. Some due to economical issues, some hit me and I was removed due to that, some was just so outright bad that the state (remember, socialist country, the state is in on everything, luckily) simply removed me. All in all I lived at 9 different families, alongside with 2 homes. Until I finally moved back home at the age of 16.

Mind you, not all the foster parent were bad. Some were nice. But I couldn't stay with any of them. So I moved home. But due to this, I'd already matured. If you put a child into a jungle, he will learn to kill for food or he will die. I learned to be independent in a very young age. So when I told my mother I was moving out on my own in the age of 17, she didn't ask questions. She knew it was what I had to do.

You see, I couldn't stand living with people. And don't get me wrong, I like people. I'm antisocial, but that is mostly because I praise the computer world greater than the real world, and the computer world is a lonely world. But I do not despise other people. But I just can't live with them. In that area I am probably scarred for life.

Another great scar my childhood gave me is that I did not go to school. And you might think "bullshit", but I didn't. The normal school we have in Denmark starts at age 7 and ends at age 15-16. But every school I went to, if I did go to school, were special schools for children with mental issues, autists etc. I went to school for an estimated total time of 4 years throughout my life. The rest I taught myself.

90% of what I know I taught myself. Through wikipedia reading, through debates on forums, through games and music. When I moved up here, away from my whole family, I did it so I could go to the gymnasium, the danish equivalent to college. And without any schooltime prior to this, it was going to be a battle. But a battle I would win. And I did.

Now as you can imagine, I've always been quite broken. And I have always been very angry. I know many of you think I'm a nice guy (or so you say, and I believe you), but I haven't always been like that. I let my emotions run over me all the time when I was younger. I got into fights, I hurt myself, I hurt others for the pure pleasure of hurting. I got in trouble with the law. I was a fiend. But over the last 4 years I moved away from that attitude. I found a drive with my life, something I craved for: Intelligence. And through that, philosophy. I've always felt like Neo, searching for Morpheous every day because he hopes that, if he finds him, he will give him answers. He will calm his mind. And I found my Morpheous: The My Little Pony community. First I didn't believe my eyes; How can this great a culture originate from a shithole like /b/ and /co/?. But I watched the show and I loved it. And, as I said many times in the thread, when I found Equestria Daily I read their fanfics. All of their fanfics. My favorite pony was Luna (Figures), but I read a story that hit me like a truck: Black & White.

Now, I do not think any of you question that I am a Bluesparks fanboy. But I do not think many of you know why. Without Bluesparks I would not be in this fandom. After reading Black & White I googled his name to see if I could find any more fiction he had written, and I came across MMO-C. Now, I already knew MMO-C from when I played WoW, but I'd never been to the MLP thread. So I went on here, and with trembling fingers I wrote Bluesparks a pm. I wish I had saved the pm, but unfortunately it disappeared in one of my inbox-cleanings. But I remember asking him for an Octavia signature and Avatar, because I would like to join this thread. And he made them for me and pm'd me back, and I joined the thread by linking a Portishead song and saying "Good evening. New brony here. Hai!" or something.

I was greeted with so much love I couldn't believe it. And the next day when I logged on, some people remembered me from the night before. I was baffled. I didn't know so much friendliness could exist in a simple thread on a World of Warcraft forum about ponies. The people in the thread were interesting. The discussions were informative and fun. It changed me completely.

The reason I moved up here, so far away from my family, is because I have a mate I played WoW with. We were in the same guild, and we met each other in vanilla, and we've been friends ever since. We later learned that we were both danish, and he was practically my soulmate. In a pure platonic way, of course. He is well and truly my brother, even though we do not share the same blood. He might not always understand me, but he accepts me completely, as I do him. And when I lived at my mothers, he called me on Skype and announced that he would start in the gymnasium up here (This is his home town, Aalborg) and that he was wondering if I wanted to join him. I said yes on the spot. You've probably met him before if you watch my streams, I play many multiplayer games with him (I usually call him Mistah Williamz, though he is commonly known as Maximarize).
He said he could feel how I had changed since I've joined the bronyhood. He never really liked pony. I made another friend up here that was also a brony (we joined together, though he never joined this thread even though I've told him many times he should. He does lurk it all the time, though. Just never posts). But he admitted that he could see the change in my behavior since I started to visit this thread. And he said that it was for the better.

That really hit me, because it was only there that I, myself, noticed the change. I wasn't angry all the time anymore. I didn't go into a debate to blow off steam, I went into a debate to learn and teach. I started to think about my actions instead of just doing what I wanted. But mostly I started to care about people. I remember when Russian Pony went to the hospital, I prayed for him. A man I have never met, and only talked to on a forum. But I was so scared that he might die. I cared about him. And believe it or not, that was very alien to me.

I think, because I was accepted to flawlessly into this community, I accepted that this was my home. And that is a big deal for me. I've never really had a home. The closest thing to home I've had had been /b/, and as some of you inevitably know, living on /b/ is like living on the streets. Just to have something to wake up to, people that said 'good morning' to you when you made your first post, people that wished you sweet dreams when you went to bed. It was beautiful. And it still is. It was just what I needed.
And then I started to play around in the community more. We have a lot of talented people in the thread, and as some of you may know I hang around on ponychans music and fanfic boards all the time, so many of the 'big shots' of the fandom I've talked to and that has been really important to me. I was like a child, learning about the world again, because all of these things I was never taught.

I can't describe what I feel about this community in words. All I can say is thank you. And even though you think "But I never contributed to this community", that doesn't matter. You're here. That's enough.

I believe in karma. I believe in equivalent trade. For every black there is white, as you've heard me say many times before (Which I always giggle about because Octavia is grey. It is as if I stand in the middle). First, my PC died. This of course happened in the middle of steam sales, but okay, I guess that is just how it is. I still had my laptop. But then the disasters started to hit me.

My money disappeared, so I couldn't repair my computer. Since I do not go to school anymore, I do not get any money (yay we get money for going to school, and that is the reason I could live alone while studying), and I haven't been able to find a job at all. Bills kept pouring in, and my laptop started to crash again and again. Its graphic card said goodbye to this world, so I couldn't play anything. Now, as I said before, I praise the computer world above the real world. The computer world is my real world. So when I do not have a computer... I think some of you might know how that feels.

Then they cut my internet and tv signal because I didn't have enough money to pay the bills. Then I found out that my father, whom I haven't heard from in years, had started to harass my mother again. I started to see red again. I called him and told my own father, without any regret, that if he ever touched my mother or me again, I would personally find him and kill him. I haven't heard from him since then.

This broke me completely. I called my mother, and she told me the story I told you to begin with - That I was a mistake, that I should've been an abortion. Of course she doesn't wish that now, I know she loves me dearly. But I couldn't really see that when I talked to her.

I tried to call my RL friend, but he didn't pick up. I was so down that I thought that I needed to cut myself off from the world. I went into this thread and wrote what I did because I wanted you all to hate me. So you wouldn't miss me. Because I knew there was a big chance that I was not coming back, ever. Then I went to the bathroom and was seconds away from suicide. I had already started, small cuts that will give me scars for life, but not enough to actually kill me. But I had no intention to live past the night at all. My plan was to cut, and then put on Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album and lay in my bed and 'sleep'.

But I didn't do it. I stood for what I think was an hour, maybe more, because I couldn't do it. But I have no doubt that if I had stood there for much longer I would have done it. I had never been so broken in my entire life. But my RL brony friend called me on my phone. He had been lurking, and he saw my posts and he was fucking pissed. I talked to him for the rest of the day, we met up and we talked. I have stayed with him the past day. His family has for some reason always hold me dear, and his mother did everything she could to help me. She even said I could move in with them if I couldn't pay my rent, and she gave me a lot of food to take home so I didn't have to starve, since I have no money to buy food for.
So here I sit now. Back home, but better. But still I feel like shit. Because I treated you all like shit. And I am so fucking sorry. I've always considered people who commit suicide to be cowards, and I still think that. What I did was stupid, it was cowardice, and I won't forgive myself for it ever. But I will try to make it right again, and this post is the first step. You guys are my family, and no matter how much I argue with some of you, I still love every single one of you. I was just blind, and I was blind because I wanted to be blind. Because I had accepted that this was the end. Now I ask for forgiveness.

I will never let this happen again. I'm slowly planning how to make all the gears run again, now that I can actually think clearly and aren't just an emo fuck who sits and feel sorry for myself. And yes, I am hard on myself, but I deserve it. I will need a few days to get back up and running, but I needed to apologize to all of you, and explain what happened to me so that you may understand.

This wall of text has come to an end. I borrowed a USB internet device so I could write this, but I might not have internet the next couple of days, so I can't hang out in the thread until' I get my finance straight. But I will be back, I promise. This was harder than I thought to write, so I'll stay for an hour or so to answer what questions you might have, but then I have to go to sleep. I haven't slept for a long time.

[Coffer]

*snip*

It's good to see that you're okay. I'm sorry to hear about all of this.

Welcome back.

[DrkSorcerer]

Oh, hello!

I do not know you.

You wouldn't. I am pro at lurking. (and hello back of course)

[Deleted]

It's good to see that you're okay. I'm sorry to hear about all of this.

Welcome back.

Thank you. As I said, it might take a few days for me to get back on top. But it's good to be back.

[Sausage Zeldas]

-snip-

Oh man, I would read this, but it is simply too late for me to process that much text.
I sympathize with your fingers, though.

You wouldn't. I am pro at lurking. (and hello back of course)

Would you happen to also go by just Sorcerer?

[raveger]

*snip*

This wall of text has come to an end. I borrowed a USB internet device so I could write this, but I might not have internet the next couple of days, so I can't hang out in the thread until' I get my finance straight. But I will be back, I promise. This was harder than I thought to write, so I'll stay for an hour or so to answer what questions you might have, but then I have to go to sleep. I haven't slept for a long time.

What can I say ziru, I'm glad you didn't do it. You're an awesome person, fun to talk to and great at keeping up conversations. I can see how you got pissed when your mom told you what she did, its hard to take that information and not be pissed about it, thinking you wish you were told earlier in life but it wouldn't have made it any easier. But still ziru, I'm glad you pulled through.

* hugs ziru

edit -
oh yes and your friend that lurks, thank you mate, I'm grateful that you helped out ziru in a dire time indeed, I appreciate your support, friend

* brohoof

thats if you are currently lurking

---------- Post added 2012-07-22 at 08:19 AM ----------

You wouldn't. I am pro at lurking. (and hello back of course)

ive seen you post 1ce or twice prior to this... your name does seem familiar =p

[Pendulous]

-supersnip-

Well, tell your friend thanks, on our behalf as well. or maybe he'll see this, and maybe he'll respond? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cTYk8NApSY

I cannot even imagine what you've been through, but I can only say that we'll be here anytime. A little note. For some reason, all this time I thought you lived in Australia. I don't know why. I could swear I saw you mention it once before, and it stuck in my brain.

[Deleted]

Ziru, hope everything works out.

I've not been with this thread for that long but I really, really hope everything works out and I think you're awesome from what I've seen.