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  1. #41
    Unfortunately one of the Olympic divers has been disqualified because he couldn't find a pound for the locker

  2. #42
    "When one door closes, another door opens."

    I knew I shouldn't have wasted money on this car.

  3. #43
    The last person to question my masculinity got a face-full of piping hot lavender tea.

  4. #44
    Bought womens multi-vitamins by mistake.

    Now I'm late for work because suddenly every piece of clothing I own is making me look fat. I like this!

  5. #45
    I like writing my eights on their sides.

    It's infinitely better.

  6. #46
    I was walking with my Husky this morning when we were approached by a strange looking fellow.

    "That dog would make me a lovely coat!" He evilly laughed whilst rubbing his hands together.

    "I doubt it mate" I replied, "he's never even used a sewing machine."

  7. #47
    The Olympics have completely changed the perception of Britain on the world stage.

    Two weeks ago the world thought we were shit at sport but great at music...

  8. #48
    Every so often, I tell myself I should cut down on my drinking.

    Then I realise I'm no where near drunk enough to be having this conversation with myself yet.

  9. #49
    New Blonde coloured bleach

    Its 3x thicker

  10. #50
    If I have 5 bananas in one hand and 10 oranges in the other...

    Why wasn't I given a bag?

  11. #51

  12. #52
    Because of our lack of clean clothes, my wife decided to put on the washing machine.

    Now she looks ridiculous!

  13. #53
    Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.

  14. #54
    A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"

    The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the guy on my back."

  15. #55
    I was walking along the street with my wife when this blonde approached me "Dave?" she enquired "remember me, we went back to my place after the nightclub a few weeks ago?"

    Had I had any other occupation other than a taxi driver I don't think i'd have talked my way out of that one.

  16. #56
    I was planting some flowers in my garden ground today when I pulled out a worm.

    "Will you just get on with planting them and stop the ridiculous dance moves," shouted my wife.
    Last edited by flak; 2012-08-19 at 04:04 PM.

  17. #57
    My wife woke me up this morning and said, "Your alarm is going off."

    "Fuck it," I mumbled, "I'll get up in 10 minutes."

    "That's not a very good idea, is it?" she said, "Your alarm is set for a reason."

    "Okay," I shouted, "I'm getting up now!"

    "Too late," she replied, looking out of the window, "Your car has just been stolen."

  18. #58
    Overly happy people really annoy me.

    I'm moving back to Cloud Eight.

  19. #59
    "Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone," I said to my wife.

    "That's great," she beamed, "so what did she have?"

    "One of those Blackberry curves I think."

  20. #60
    An ex-citing performance isnt good.
    When its in your divorce papers.

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