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  1. #61
    My wife left me because I'm going bald.

    I'm not bothered, it's hair loss.

  2. #62
    I hate my smoke alarm.

    It's always ten minutes late in telling me my dinner's ready.

  3. #63
    My girlfriend got angry with me for always making fun of her when I do standup. She screamed at me, "Can you stop making jokes about me!"

    I said, "Yeah sure, anything to make you happy sweetheart, but is it alright if I make jokes about my ex?"

    She said, "Yeah that's fine."

    So I dumped her.

  4. #64

  5. #65
    I think my job interview to be a bug sorter went well.

    I boxed all the right ticks.

  6. #66
    I ordered a pizza to go today, but it just sat there.

  7. #67
    Police have reported that with further observation, it turns out the lion in Essex is just a snow leopard with a spray tan and hair extensions.

  8. #68
    The wife's getting all excited because it's our first wedding anniversary this weekend,

    I wonder what she's got planned?

  9. #69
    What a wild weekend I had at my mates stag do down in Essex.

    Now I just need to get this lion costume back to the fancy dress shop.

  10. #70
    My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

    It gets his Snickers in a Twix.

  11. #71
    I was talking to a mate in the pub about my relationship.
    "I'm going to go home tonight and say, 'Pam.. It's not working. I want a divorce,'"
    "You'd be making a big mistake," he said.
    "What do you know about my marriage?" I asked.
    "Well I know your wife is called Carol for starters."

  12. #72
    Going up....

  13. #73
    The Hubble telescope has just made an amazing discovery.

    A huge yellow paragraph floating through space beginning 'A long long time ago'

  14. #74
    In Carphone Warehouse today I noticed a collection box that said, 'Buy some sweets and help discover a cure for cancer.' I figured I'd better do my bit - But I was a bit short on time, so I just bought the sweets

  15. #75
    Sometimes when I can't sleep I try counting sheep, but my ADHD is a nightmare.

    One sheep, two sheep, dog, pig, old McDonald, Hey Macarena!

  16. #76
    My dad committed suicide after losing all his money in a bad property investment.

    We knew he took monopoly seriously, but no one saw this coming.

  17. #77
    I hate it when my wife says you've got to take the rough with the smooth.

    I instantly know she's bought the wrong peanut butter.

  18. #78
    Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults.

    Boobs are a great example of this.

  19. #79
    A woman walks into a bar.

    "Why the long face?" Asks the barman.

    An hour and a half later, he was regretting it.

  20. #80
    1 Bear..

    That's the bear minimum.

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