funniest joke you know

[Deleted]

edit: joke had been posted.

[Mnevis]

Man walks into psychiatrist's office, wearing nothing but plastic wrap.
Shrink says:"Well, I can clearly see yer nuts!"
===
Two psychologists get married, and they have twins. They name one Colin and the other Control.
===
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

That one's a repeat from earlier, but for some reason it really amuses me.

Just came across this, and it made me laugh. "That joke's fifteen years old." Whatever, I laughed.
===

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

[Forgettable]

What's the difference between a tribe of intelligent pygmies and a women's track team? One's a group of cunning runts...

A blonde and a brunette were walking along the road when they came to a set of tracks. The blonde said, "These are deer tracks!" the brunette replied, "No silly, they're moose tracks!" They were still arguing when the train hit them.

So what kind of tracks were they?

Just kidding :P

[Ergar]

-"Hey you know what Ethiopian food tastes like?"
-"No"
-"Well neither do they"

[Deleted]

Why is a pineapple like a turd?

They both come from warmer regions.

[7seti]

How does using a brand-new toilet make you like Captain Kirk?

You're both going where no man has gone before.

[Huntermyth]

Do you speak English?
-Yes!
Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast...

[Deleted]

Do you speak English?
-Yes!
Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast...

Vive Le Achmed, the dead terrorist hehe

[Amnaught]

I could tell you a joke about butter, but you would only spread it.

Have you heard the one about magma?
Nevermind, it's really uncool.

[Deleted]

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: She has triplets.
Worse: You did sterilization surgery… Three years ago!

Good: Your wife doesn’t speak with you.
Bad: She wants divorce.
Worse: She is lawyer.

Good: Your son has grown.
Bad: He has hooked up with your elderly neighbor
Worse: So did you!

Good: your son is spending too much time in his room.
Bad: You have found hidden porn movies in his room.
Worse: You are on some of them.

Good: Your husband has already agreed. No more childrens!
Bad: You can find your contraceptive pills.
Worse: Your daughter took them.

Good: Your husband has good taste of fashion.
Bad: You have found out that he secretly wear your clothes.
Worse: They look better on him!

Good: You make the conversation with your daughter about the birds and the bees.
Bad: She interrupt you all the time?!?
Worse: … and correct you!!!

Good: Your son is on his first date.
Bad: With a man.
Worse: Who is your boyfriend?!?

Good: Your daughter find job right after she graduate from university.
Bad: As a hooker.
Worse: Some of your colleagues are her client’s
Terrible: She makes more money than you!

Good: While you read this, you laugh.
Bad: You know people in similar situations.
Worse: You are one of them


French police officer describing a woman in a report: "Eyes - black, large, expressive, passionate, enchanting emitting insatiable desire, fire and charm ... One missing"


Emergency room in a hospital. Man beaten up, with bruises and scratches all over.
- Car accident?!?
- No spell error in the chemistry textbook



Two people talking:
- I have one good and one bad news.
- Ok. Tell me the bad one first.
- I woun't tell you the good one.
- Oh, come on... Tell me the good one.
- Okey okey... I wount tell you the bad one.




Jetfighter pilot and tank driver arguing whom work is harder. They decided to try the machine of the other. The first day the pilot get into the tank. There is cramped, loud noises, the cannon firing make tons of noises, hot like hell and while driving its shaking too much. The pilot said its awful, but said to the tank driver to come tommrow so he can try his jet. On the other day the driver get on the jet and the pilot made all kind of maneuvers and looping and stunts he was able to make. The tank diver was laughing hard the whole time.
When they got on solid ground the pilot admitted:
- Ok your job is harder and you are braver than me since you were able to laugh the whole time.
But the tank driver responded:
- No, no, no. I was just laughing because that was the first time ever I shit myself with my butt in upside down

[Hishiro]

My best, lame joke is (if you don't get it, say it out loud, it's a play on words):

-Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.


A couple of others I know:

-Why do Jews have such big noses?

Air is free

-Have you heard the one about the blind prostitute? You really have to hand it to her...

[endersblade]

Never Mind, I apparently already posted it.

[Deleted]

An explosion last week killed a wild-living navy boilerman and
he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely
hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable.
When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting
in his room smiling.

"You like this?" Satan asked.

"Yes, sir," said the sailor, "this feels like a spring day to me."

Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the
heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new
arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn't even
broken a sweat.

"I like this kind of weather," he told Satan.

For the next few days, Satan turned up the heat more and more,
but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever.
By Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than
turn up the heat even more, he turned it off and turned on the
air conditioning. Icicles formed in the sailor's room! When he
checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but
he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever.

Satan was exasperated! "Why are YOU so happy?" he demanded from
the sailor. "It's FREEZING in here!"

"Well, I'm from Boston," said the sailor, "and evidently the
Red Sox just won the World Series!"

[Deleted]

- Damn... young people dress awful these days. Take for example that boy... His...
- This is my daughter!
- Oh i'm sorry, i did not know you are the father...
- I am his mother!!!
- Oh...

Question - Can the modern woman get new dress with one pay check?
Answer - Yes, if she undress for two...

One IT specialist goes to the nearest bar. There he sees one of his colleague and infront of him several empty bottles of whiskey.
- What happend Greg? - he asked
- I am dddde..hic..leting thha RAM... hic

[Adam Jensen]

A blond walks into a barbershop to get a haircut. She's wearing this really big set of headphones and listening to a music player. She takes a seat and the barber asks her to take her headphones off, but she declines, saying that if she takes them off, she'll die. So the barber starts cutting and working around the headphones. But he starts getting frustrated and asks her again to remove them, but she insists that she'll die without them. So he keeps going and finally, he loses his patients and pulls the headphones off. The blond suddenly turns blue and then falls to the floor and dies.

Shocked, the barber picks up the headphones and listens.

"Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."

--

A blond walks into an appliance store looking for a TV. She spots a model she likes and goes to the counter and asks to buy it. The salesman gets really mad and tells her that he doesn't serve stupid blonds and she needs to leave the store. So she leaves and an hour later comes back. She grabs the TV model she likes and goes to the counter, but its the same salesman and he says he doesn't serve stupid blonds again. So she leaves, dies her hair blue and comes back. She grabs the TV model she likes and goes to the salesman, but he says "look, stupid, I don't serve dumb blonds! Now for the third time, get out!" And she asks "how did you know it was me?" And he replies, "you dumb bitch, that's a microwave."

[Tradewind]

idk if someone already posted it...but here it goes...

Little Billy comes home from school one day, puts his backpack down and says hi to his Grandma...and goes to his bedroom upstairs. But on the way there, from his parents room there's an awful lot of noise going on. So he creaks open the door a bit. There he finds his Father and Mother engaged in some...coital business, because why not right? But Billy's parents aren't exactly the "puritan" type, so there was some wild positioning going on! There Billy stood, completely vexed and mortified, Billy screams "What's going on?!" Dad was quick to point out that they're just having fun! Playing around! Billy's shock and awe at this scene is overwhelming, and runs to his room screaming!

Hearing the commotion Granny hover-chairs her ass upstairs, they had installed it because she's an old cripple and stuff and goes to see what's wrong with Billy.

Sometime after, Billy Sr., concerned about his Son's feelings...not concerned enough not to finish though (high five Dad!) Knocks on the door to Billy's room. No answer. He knocks again and asks "you in there?" This time putting his ear to the door....and hearing, noises. He pushes the door open and see Billy there, in full mount just giving it to Granny. The two Billy's lock eyes...

"Not so funny when someone's fuckin your Mom, now is it?!"

spoilerfied punchline! so technology, much funny, wow!

[moremana]

2 Guys at a bar:
- You ever screw your wife in the ... other hole?
- Of course not stupid, she'll get pregnant.

Epic, only one that made me laugh so far.

[Phookah]

+1 for joke, +1 more for Gaeilge.

You should share what the joke is, in google translate it makes negative sense

[MHSmooth13]

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.

Still one of my favorites

[badaku]

Not sure about funniest, but I accidentally came up with the stupidest joke recently.

"You know what they say about guys with big dicks....?"