Monogamy: your thoughts

[raechuul]

I'd just like to state that it isn't necessarily an issue with maturity to not be in a monogamous relationship.

That's very true. Because there are people out there that are just like "I wanna have sex with every hot person I see, whenever I want! Yeah raging hormones!" and then there are those that say "I really care about these two or three people (and find them sexually attractive) and I want to have a relationship with all of them."

[skrump]

I think Monogamy is a great idea and helps to show the world just how strong the love between 2 people can be.

I also don't think it is in the least bit natural and I think it is rather unhealthy psychologically to build such a intimate relationship with only 1 person then confine yourself in a single living space with them for the rest of your natural life and having the person try to dictate your actions/thoughts over the course of your lifetime while expecting you to be on the same level emotionally.

[Deleted]

I think Monogamy is a great idea and helps to show the world just how strong the love between 2 people can be.

I also don't think it is in the least bit natural and I think it is rather unhealthy psychologically to build such a intimate relationship with only 1 person then confine yourself in a single living space with them for the rest of your natural life and having the person try to dictate your actions/thoughts over the course of your lifetime while expecting you to be on the same level emotionally.

Aren't those two contradicting each other a little?

[Deleted]

Dear MMO-C,

I have a dilemma.

For the past year, I have been in a typical, exclusive relationship. The person I'm dating is smart, attractive, and good company, but I have my doubts about the long term potential. Why? Because I think monogamy doesn't work for most people.

In six months I will have to make a big decision as I think about going to graduate school. This decision will involve moving across the country (and presumably dragging my girlfriend along). But what is giving me pause in my current relationship is that I will be surrounded by many attractive options when it comes to the dating scene. There are going to be tons of smart, attractive, exotic, interesting, etc. etc. single women.

The main problem is that monogamy asks you to make a unique sort of decision. The problem with the decision is not so much "do I want to date X" but "do I want to not date all of non-X." That is a HUGE decision to make, and given innate human tendencies, I do not think it is rational or practical.

This is tough for me, because I care about my girlfriend and I think highly of her, but at the same time I believe the relationship will become stale and I will regret my decision to get her involved in a cross-country move, just for me to decide I'd rather have new options.

I realize that if I keep this attitude, I will likely never find a life partner -- or if I do, it will have to be some sort of open-minded or polyamorous situation. I'm willing to entertain those ideas, but I wanted to hear your thoughts (pro-monogamy or not) on the issue.

Monogamy clearly works. Don't fall into the fake temptations of free love sex and fun. It's all crap.
It doesn't work that way, unless extraordinary cases.
Keep a long distant relationship for a while. Check it yourself as I did.
Girls are crazy, find the good one and stick with it.

[DaYarzu]

You suppose to get it all out of your system while your young. After being with enough girls you will want to find something that matters, and start to actually desire Monogamy. They say the average guy only sleeps with 7 girls in his life, so of course there is so much cheating going on in the world if that's true.

[poser765]

I think Monogamy is a great idea and helps to show the world just how strong the love between 2 people can be.

I also don't think it is in the least bit natural and I think it is rather unhealthy psychologically to build such a intimate relationship with only 1 person then confine yourself in a single living space with them for the rest of your natural life and having the person try to dictate your actions/thoughts over the course of your lifetime while expecting you to be on the same level emotionally.

If you think that's what a committed relationship is like, then you haven't been in a good one.

Also, monogamy is perfectly natural and occurs in the animal kingdom rather frequently. Plenty of species mate for life.

[Tziva]

I don't really feel there is a universal "correct" form of relationship. Whether one opts for an open marriage, exclusive dating, poly, monogamous, etc, is not the part that really matters. It's that all parties involved are on the same page.

Endus' post summarised pretty well how I feel on this.

If one person wants exclusivity and that's not what the other person wants, those people should not be together. It's not fair to either party. How many failed relationships can trace the crumbling of their partnership to this kind of conflict?

[SageKalzi]

Dear MMO-C,

I have a dilemma.

For the past year, I have been in a typical, exclusive relationship. The person I'm dating is smart, attractive, and good company, but I have my doubts about the long term potential. Why? Because I think monogamy doesn't work for most people.

In six months I will have to make a big decision as I think about going to graduate school. This decision will involve moving across the country (and presumably dragging my girlfriend along). But what is giving me pause in my current relationship is that I will be surrounded by many attractive options when it comes to the dating scene. There are going to be tons of smart, attractive, exotic, interesting, etc. etc. single women.

The main problem is that monogamy asks you to make a unique sort of decision. The problem with the decision is not so much "do I want to date X" but "do I want to not date all of non-X." That is a HUGE decision to make, and given innate human tendencies, I do not think it is rational or practical.

This is tough for me, because I care about my girlfriend and I think highly of her, but at the same time I believe the relationship will become stale and I will regret my decision to get her involved in a cross-country move, just for me to decide I'd rather have new options.

I realize that if I keep this attitude, I will likely never find a life partner -- or if I do, it will have to be some sort of open-minded or polyamorous situation. I'm willing to entertain those ideas, but I wanted to hear your thoughts (pro-monogamy or not) on the issue.

I'd say you already made your choice. Obviously if you have that thought you aren't thinking it's a worthwhile relationship in the first place.

Personally, monogamy works for me and I'm not even the jealous type or anything, I've had people hit on my wife in public because they assumed I was her brother or something (Lol.) I personally never had the thought of "Maybe there's better fish in the sea." but then again I've never had to doubt our relationship, so, I've always been certain I just want her. You obviously have a different idea than me, not to necessarily say it's wrong, but at least when you do break the news that you're leaving her you need to have a real reason, not just "There's other women out there, lol, bye."

[Eats Compost]

There's nothing inherently wrong with polygamy as long as everyone knows what's going on. That said, it can still be problematic; humans are hard-wired to, generally, only have that kind of emotional relationship with one person at a time. I'm not saying you can't love a bunch of people at once. I'm just saying that you shouldn't be surprised if you have 3 girlfriends and something just doesn't feel like it's clicking on the emotional front.

As for your particular situation; if your current girlfriend doesn't approve of the idea, and you're seriously entertaining that idea, break it off, now. It isn't going to work.

[worprz]

Monogamy does work you just have to be willing to think about what the other person wants. Every marriage that I have seen that has worked really well is because they married their best friend. Too many people rush through relationships. So if you have doubts I say why not try dating someone else? I know a guy who finally decided to get married after 20 years of dating and that was because he waited for the right person.

[Knight Gil]

I think Monogamy is a great idea and helps to show the world just how strong the love between 2 people can be.

I also don't think it is in the least bit natural and I think it is rather unhealthy psychologically to build such a intimate relationship with only 1 person then confine yourself in a single living space with them for the rest of your natural life and having the person try to dictate your actions/thoughts over the course of your lifetime while expecting you to be on the same level emotionally.

Aren't those two contradicting each other a little?

I 'd say, not necessarily. The answer is to not let go of friends, and to get rid of emotions like jealousy. And it's important to do things together, but also to do things apart. Couples should learn how to balance the scales

[PizzaSHARK]

Love is really just a function of lust. The hormones and chemicals that produce that feeling we identify as love stem from sex, and the desire for it. It's why regular, enjoyable sex is pretty much a requirement to have a happy, successful relationship.

I'm ambivalent with monogamy. It clearly works for some people, but divorce rates also clearly state it doesn't work for just as many people. I don't find the idea of having multiple lovers to be immoral or distasteful as long as full disclosure is involved and they're using protection since they're bumping uglies with multiple people consistently.

I don't think polygamy would be something I'm capable of, but I know perfectly well it's the best way for many people to have a normal, happy life, so if that's what they need... well, more power to em.

From a biological standpoint, there are advantages to both behaviors. Polygamy will give you more chances to have more children. Monogamy gives you fewer chances to have fewer children, but that also means you can put more resources into the upbringing of the children you do have.

[Deleted]

I am monogamous person.
I am all for having a partner and staying true to that person, I'd also have a really hard time breaking up with my current one if it ever happened.
I could not be friends with her since I am so strongly set on her that I'd still love her after 3 years.

My personal morals state that one should be true to the other; i.e. monogamy