Originally Posted by
SylvanaSlave
I respect the analogy and see where you are coming from but it implies that those among us who are taking longer than others to get over a breakup are making a big deal over nothing. Like I have said before, everybody has their own way of dealing with a breakup in their own time, and nobody has the right to reserve judgement over that person to tell them they are doing it wrong or are taking too long, or whatever. I'm not saying you are saying that, I am just clarifying my standpoint on this matter (again).
I have never said, with respect to myself, that I have not got over my last breakup. What I am saying is that it has made me extremely wary of getting into future relationships in case it puts me through that emotional hell all over again, and it would seem this is what Vizardlorde has been saying too. This does not make us weak compared to other people who get over their breakups quicker, because it is only ourselves who can really describe the effect it has had on us. This is what I was objecting to earlier, where people were saying "Oh I've been through worse and I got over it, so you should too" and "You're only young, that relationship means nothing to you", as if to basically suggest nobody but us knows how it affected us and how a breakup affects a person is entirely subjective to the individual. That is all I have been arguing for people to accept, because it is not a hard thing to accept. All it requires is to not be so narrow-minded and arrogant.
With respect to your analogy, I'm not saying you are one of these people. In many ways the analogy is actually rather accurate, but it could do with a tweak so that it is not implying that people such as myself and Vizardlorde are over-reacting. I have got over my breakup. Like I said in an earlier post, I am on talking terms with my ex who betrayed me all those years ago. I have moved on but while we are still friends, I do reserve some disdain for what she put me through and how I feel about getting into relationships now. She herself has apologised to me for her part in me feeling like this, so even she can understand the effect the breakup had, and she doesn't think I am over-reacting. Betrayal by those you love and trust the most leaves deep psychological scars, and unless you've been through the same situation, you cannot understand the effect. As a friend I like her, and I am glad we are still able to talk to each other about things that usual friends do, but the difficulty I am having in forgiving her is still there. It is complicated, but it is entirely possible to be friends with somebody and yet not forgive them for how they have treated you in the past. She knows how she treated me has affected me and she understands it too, and yet we are still close as friends. This is how complicated breakups can make things.
If anything, being wary of future relationships does not make us weaker, but wiser. Maybe before we would go headlong into relationships without thinking of the risks involved, but not any more. Now we have learnt from past experiences and are not going to get involved with somebody without being a lot more certain than before. It's called learning from mistakes through instinct. If we pick up a hot pan and drop it, we do not go and pick up the same pan five minutes later. We have learnt from that experience and how it hurts and are now more wary for next time, so as to prevent the same harm coming to us again. The emotional recovery from a breakup is no different.