Kids that arent yours.

[Laize]

So, I married my wife about 6 months ago. We were dating for roughly 2 years before we got married. She has 2 kids, with 2 separate dads. Both of whom are giant douche bags. Who don't pay child support, nor do they ever see their kids. Anyways, lately I have been finding myself enormously annoyed, frustrated and just pissed off because of how much they just plain don't listen, and how much they disrespect not only me, but their mother as well. Not to mention all the lying, the manipulation etc.

Do any of you have kids that aren't actually yours? How do you feel about the whole situation on a day to day basis? I find it harder and harder to tolerate them each day. Especially when they constantly break the same rules that they are disciplined for breaking every single day. Then they say they know, they just didnt want to listen. I mean, am I a bad person for being so angry all the time now because of how much these kids drain me?

Surely I shouldn't be bringing this to forums like these to find answers, however, I have no where else to go. My wife isn't going to be able to handle a conversation like this, as she is oblivious to how much crap they pull because they are her "babies". I feel guilty because of how much I have to "yell" at them for breaking every single rule we have. I just don't know if I can stay mentally in tact with this constant disregard for authority all the time.

Personally I think you made a huge mistake getting involved with a woman who already had kids.

You made your bed. Lie in it.

[Silhouette of Seraphim]

If you are dating someone with kids, you kind of take on the role of daddy, you knew what you were getting into. Now that said, if you don't like being a dad, then leave, simple as that.

Except he was dumb enough to marry the strumpet, so it's not really simple.

5 minutes into divorce proceedings he'll be paying for kids that aren't his for the rest of his life. Maybe not directly said in the alimony, but he will.

[Thefatness]

Ok, now that I am unbanned, I was banned for attempting to evade a ban. Not sure how that works but whatever. I think I may have given the wrong impression, or maybe the person who praised my ban is just angry.

My wife lives in a house that is owned by her parents on their property but she lives in the house with just her and the kids. I wasn't allowed to move in, per her parents, until we were married. This was hard for me to deal with because so many new things can come up once living together. I dealt with it. I saw the kids very infrequently, nothing like I do now. I am at home with them watching them more than my wife because she works longer days than me.

The kids are 7, boy and 10, girl. Honestly, my "step-daughter" isn't anywhere near as bad as my "step-son". When it comes to the rules they break, I guess it's not usually the specific rules themselves, it's just the consistency of knowing what the rules are and still breaking them regardless. Things like picking up after themselves, not cleaning rooms, the youngest wont clean his room because he said kids shouldn't have to clean, and because he doesn't want to. He wont even flush the toilet because he says he doesn't want to. He always constantly breaks simple rules like not banging his chair into our counter-tops after being told for almost his whole life not to. He says he doesn't try to do, he just does it and it's not his fault.

Now, my wife had a surgery done while she was, unknowingly at the time, pregnant with him. My mother-in-law and brother-in-law both believe that her going under anesthesia(spelling?) while pregnant caused some sort of minor birth issues. My MIL thinks he has some form of autism, and my BIL thinks he has aspergers(spelling?). Both of them work around kids with mental disorders.

I know kids aren't going to be angels, but it astonishes me how willingly a 7 year old can lie, make excuses, manipulate and just flat out not listen to anything they are told. There's also the issue of they follow all the same rules that we have when they are at their grandmothers house, but as soon as they come home, they break all those rules they were just following. When they do follow the rules at home, they usually do it when I am there, but when I am at work and my wife is home, they break all those rules. Granted, she doesn't enforce them like I do, and I have talked to her about it and she is supposed to try but she doesn't really try that hard.

Mr angry pants who praised my ban said there's a reason they do all these things. I would like to know what they are. I don't discipline them, or "be mean" just for the sake of doing it. I am trying to give them structure and prepare them to take care of themselves in the real world. My parents just let me do whatever I wanted for 21 years, then when I joined the military I was completely fucked.

I guess, going from single and in the military and having all the money I need and doing whatever I want whenever I wanted to giving all my money away constantly and never having alone time or free time with my wife is just a crazy fast cold turkey adjustment period. It just frustrates me how much money, and time and effort my wife and I put towards giving them the best life we can and then having them constantly spit in our face and not appreciate what we do for them. It was the whole point behind this post. I wanted to see if anyone out there who is in a relationship with someone else's kids feels these same frustrations. Everyone says it's different when they're your own kids, which is fine, but they aren't and I don't know how to handle these situations because I don't view them they same way my wife does. It's easier for me to see when they are blatantly doing things wrong, or lying, or manipulating because I am not blinded by the "they're my baby" syndrome.

Ultimately a conversation like this shouldn't take place in a place like this. However, I had a serious issue last night and knew it was a waste of time to try to talk about so I came to these forums to vent. I know there are other people out there with kids who aren't their own and I wanted to get their input. It's not fair to me or my wife to say the kids make me miserable so I am leaving you. I want to be with her, regardless of what I have said. It's why I asked her to marry me. I am not as bad of a person as any of you are making me out to be, it's just hard to convey tones, and attitudes with words on a forum. I am not beating them, or shitting on them or stuff like that. I simply raise my voice and lay down the law, and take things and privileges(spelling?) away. My wife never objects to the punishments, or rules, or discipline. So if I was such a bad person like I apparently am, I think I wouldn't be trying to figure things out by using the resources available to me.

Thanks for the time and the comments. I look forward to the more mature folks having a legitimate conversation with me since that's what I tried to start in the first place. Not sure if my work computer caused all these gaps in the paragraphs, if so sorry. Not sure how I did that or how I fix it.

[Valort]

She has 2 kids, with 2 separate dads.

That would've been enough to have me running the other way after a one-nighter. But...

Maybe you just aren't ready for kids. Or just aren't ready for kids that aren't yours. Or just aren't ready for two kids with two different fathers, living under your roof, being fed by you, yet completely aware that you aren't their daddy (Either of their daddies)

[Silhouette of Seraphim]

She has 2 kids, with 2 separate dads.

Mistake!

Once knew a girl with 5 kids from 5 separate fathers, none of who wanted anything to do with any of them.

It was very short lived and didn't get very far at all when I insisted there was birth control associated with any relationship. She got angry, I told her to hit the bricks.

[Deleted]

It's probably silly of me to ask but...is your wife's 1st name Nomi ?

[Thefatness]

No, sir it is not.

[Deleted]

No, sir it is not.

Ah, nvm, then. It's just that I know such a woman from wow and your timeline was pretty close with...certain events.

[Deleted]

Have her set some norms and make them respect them. Also impose punishments, for example, they break a vase, you take their computer out of the socket and cut the computer cable. But don't say anything, don't yell at them, just do this. Then when they grow annoyed you say "oh, well you broke my vase, didn't you? I concluded it was because you didn't like it, well I didn't like your computer using my power either". Warning: hide good the things you care about first, as they will most likely try to break or destroy something else to show you they're bosses. And then you can have a friend keep their computer for some time and you can tell them you sold it to cover the expenses of them breaking stuff.

Brat kids can only learn stuff if it affects them. They clearly got their bad behaviour from their fathers and because their mother didn't step in, it only grew. Now teaching them can only be done by showing there's an actual consequences for their actions THAT AFFECTS THEIR FUN. Don't bother to yell, they don't care, they're just like my cats I bet, when you look at them after doing something bad, they hide and look down, but then when you look away your sofa is wrecked. Yelling doesn't work.

And once again, have your wife set some standards on them and try to impose them.

[Lilfrier]

So, I married my wife about 6 months ago. We were dating for roughly 2 years before we got married. She has 2 kids, with 2 separate dads. Both of whom are giant douche bags. Who don't pay child support, nor do they ever see their kids. Anyways, lately I have been finding myself enormously annoyed, frustrated and just pissed off because of how much they just plain don't listen, and how much they disrespect not only me, but their mother as well. Not to mention all the lying, the manipulation etc.

Do any of you have kids that aren't actually yours? How do you feel about the whole situation on a day to day basis? I find it harder and harder to tolerate them each day. Especially when they constantly break the same rules that they are disciplined for breaking every single day. Then they say they know, they just didnt want to listen. I mean, am I a bad person for being so angry all the time now because of how much these kids drain me?

Surely I shouldn't be bringing this to forums like these to find answers, however, I have no where else to go. My wife isn't going to be able to handle a conversation like this, as she is oblivious to how much crap they pull because they are her "babies". I feel guilty because of how much I have to "yell" at them for breaking every single rule we have. I just don't know if I can stay mentally in tact with this constant disregard for authority all the time.

I'd honestly like to know what your punishment for them is. It sounds like it's nothing major, because when I was growing up (I'm 22), I was a pretty bad kid. I got spanked and my ear pulled a LOT, and while that's blatantly called child abuse nowadays, it flat-out worked. I figured out how to behave in public and am (for the most part) very polite to my elders and teachers in college. I'm not saying you should do it, because it's not for everyone (parent or child), but it seems kind of obvious that what you do to punish isn't working, so you need to have a legitimate punishment system figured out.

I'm not a parent (never really want to be one, and I'd NEVER be a parent to another guy's kids), so I cannot say I am the best source of information, but I was someone who was disciplined quite a lot, haha.

---------- Post added 2012-10-27 at 04:39 PM ----------

I would personally get out of that relationship if you think you see yourself having a life with someone else...

Raising kids, yours or anyone else's, is no joke.

And you wanna be sure of what you're getting yourself into before you have kids...and with this deal you dont have a say in the matter...

I mean these aren't even your kids...why should you have to put up with the financial and emotional burden. You need to evaluate whether this woman and this relationship is really worth it if these are your feelings.

This mentality is SO bad. The second something gets hard, divorce. I honestly believe in the Biblical (yeah, I'm one of THOSE people, Internet...) idea that divorce should be reserved for marital unfaithfulnessm with perhaps the addition of abuse. Disobedient kids? No, that's not an excuse. Divorce isn't the warranty for a marriage, it's supposed to be the equivalent to the death penalty for a marriage. People who deicde after 6 months or a year (in many cases, even sooner) that they want a divorce because they're not the best of friends and they have argued are just crazy, in my opinion.

Then again, I'm also of the mindset that people jump into marriage too soon and are irresponsible in general.

[Grym]

From the sound of it, you're regretting it already, GTFO before she has one of yours as well and give her a 3rd douchbag to talk about.

[Mshaylle]

Probably going to end up rambling on a bit... sorry if it comes across as such.

Well, for one I have kids with two different men. My first born's father is now deceased (my son was 7 when this happened though his father and I had been separated since he was 4). At that age.. and with what has been described it's clear the kids are acting out on their emotions. Kids do that. They don't know how to properly process stress and frustration. Takes a long time for that to happen. Years in fact. It comes out as them 'breaking the rules' as you've so described. Or pitching fits or being just plain frustrating. One has to be consistent. Talk to them. Try to find out the exact why of the behavior. Find means to help them channel that frustration. New marriage is stressful. That's normal. Probably the first male influence they've had in their lives. (not 100% sure on that without being aware of past relationships or whether their fathers were there at all in the past in any form). It will take a lot of adjusting. I lucked out. My husband and my eldest son got along great. He's known him since he was a baby, that helped greatly. He's also been the main male figure in his life. But he still rebels from time to time. Especially with his biological father no longer being in the picture. Will it be stressful to work through? Yes. But it can be done, with time and patience and work. Talking things out with them AND having her back you up. To make those rules consistent, from the both of you. She needs to help you with that. It's important. My husband and I thankfully see eye to eye when it comes to rules and punishments for any that are broken. Be it time-outs or groundings or standing in a corner...etc. My ex and I.. differed greatly. To him his son did no wrong. I was the 'bad guy' always having to enforce rules whereas his father would give in. Took a long time to teach my son that rules were there for a reason and that if you broke them... well... But she definitely needs to step up and help out in that regard. I certainly hope things get better for you, for all of you.

Maybe try to organize family events. Camping? You've mentioned the military. Perhaps such a trip would be someplace you could show off learned skills to them, to share and bond. I see plenty telling you to up and run. If the relationship is worth it to you... then work to make it work. With her and with them.

[Thefatness]

I don't regret it, I just don't understand it. My punishment is taking things away, the youngest hasn't been allowed to play video games since June, and all of his toys were taken away. The oldest is much better behaved, usually telling her once or twice solves the problem. We are making sure we don't have another kid, I absolutely do not want another one. We cannot afford it, nor do we have a place for it. I am too afraid to physically discipline the kids, I dont want their dads freaking out on me, or anything crazy like that. Sadly, both of their dads don't really set any standards, or structure in their life. Most of the time they pawn them off on a family member or friend while they go drink or work or something, and the kids are left to just do whatever they want or think.

[Letmesleep]

Surely I shouldn't be bringing this to forums like these to find answers, however, I have no where else to go. My wife isn't going to be able to handle a conversation like this, as she is oblivious to how much crap they pull because they are her "babies". I feel guilty because of how much I have to "yell" at them for breaking every single rule we have. I just don't know if I can stay mentally in tact with this constant disregard for authority all the time.

You need to find a way to have this conversation with her though. While it's true they aren't your biological children, you can't expect to have a healthy relationship with them while you identify them as "not my kids". They are your family now; it's what you signed up for. In terms of discipline, you and your wife need to be on the same page as much as possible. That will require mental shifts from both of you.

Your wife has already been let down by two other men who failed the fatherhood role, so it's likely she'll be less prone to trust you with it. While men have come and gone, her children have been the only constant thing in her life, and she's likely to be fiercely loyal to them. This is something you will both have to work through in time. She'll need to learn to trust you to guide her children, and you'll have to be understanding of her lack of trust. It's true that you will likely have to work much harder to prove yourself because of the failings of those who came before you. You have to understand that these kids' fathers have failed them as well; it wasn't just your wife these men screwed over. This is going to require a ton of patience from you, but you can make it work if you're willing.

Try to approach your wife in the least antagonistic way possible regarding this issue. Don't throw blame around because that will trigger her instinct to protect and side with her children. Don't wait till you're angry to have this conversation either, because all the frustration you're feeling is going to diminish your ability to communicate properly. Sit down and talk to her about this when the kids aren't being brats. Tell her that you want to be the father they never had but that you need her help in order to succeed. Like I said earlier, you both have to be on the same page regarding the kids. They are your family too, and as long as there's a mentality that you're two separate families, you're all going to act that way. Her kids need her to grant you authority over them or they won't give you the respect you deserve. This situation is going to take a lot of time and work, but people have pulled off way harder situations than this. Just hang in there.

[raechuul]

I don't have kids yet, but I have seen kids eventually straighten out after a long-time of discipline. I don't know how your wife is with them, but it seems like they've been allowed to act like brats. If you're fed up with it, you need to be the strict parent. Don't be a complete asshole about it, but don't let them get away with anything. The boy is banging his chair against the counter? Stick his nose in the corner for a while. Be consistent. He comes over and does it again, put his nose in the corner again.

I think you just have to show them that you aren't playing. Kids are crafty, and if you're not consistent they'll just try to mess with you and go through loop holes.

And I agree, maybe talk to your wife about it. Even if she's not willing to listen to the big picture, tell her that you guys need to come up with the same plan. Agree on punishments for the different behaviors, agree to be consistent with them, etc.

[freedrom]

One of your problems is, you keep saying they aren't yours. When you married her, those kids became yours. So what if it's not blood, feed em till they look like you!

[Laize]

OP, I must once again reiterate what a profoundly bad decision I think you made not only dating but marrying a woman with kids. Even one kid would have been bad enough but 2 by 2 different fathers? That is a level of bad decision-making I haven't seen since someone from Missouri told me he was voting to re-elect Todd Akin.

Your only hope is to sit her down and have this talk with her. If she won't listen, you file for divorce and you do it right away. Otherwise you're gonna blow your own fucking brains out.

[Letmesleep]

I am too afraid to physically discipline the kids, I dont want their dads freaking out on me, or anything crazy like that.

Some people swear up and down that physical discipline is the way to go, and some people say your should never touch your child like that. I lean more towards the methods you've used so far (taking privileges away etc). I was spanked sometimes as a child, but I can say in my case that it never offered anything positive. I have a great relationship with my parents, but I wouldn't say spanking was something that contributed to that. I was spanked more as a small child but once I grew big enough, I just took the wooden spoon back and snapped it in half. No more spankings after that. My parents learned other methods instead and taught me to respect them without physical force. That's my real point here. If your children respect you, you won't have to discipline them that way. The problem here is not how you've been disciplining them, but the fact that they don't respect you. Children absolutely need rules and structure, but I don't think you're going to make headway just because you get physical. Fear is not the same thing as respect.

---------- Post added 2012-10-27 at 11:50 AM ----------

OP, I must once again reiterate what a profoundly bad decision I think you made not only dating but marrying a woman with kids. Even one kid would have been bad enough but 2 by 2 different fathers? That is a level of bad decision-making I haven't seen since someone from Missouri told me he was voting to re-elect Todd Akin.

Your only hope is to sit her down and have this talk with her. If she won't listen, you file for divorce and you do it right away. Otherwise you're gonna blow your own fucking brains out.

Get lost, Laize, you aren't helping.

[Biggayshammy]

love is grand, divorce is 20 grand...

get out if you can... it sucks being with someone who has kids that arent yours and you cant beat them

[Laize]

Get lost, Laize, you aren't helping.

I am so. I'm telling him he should be having this discussion with his wife (because he should) otherwise he'll blow his fucking brains out (almost certainly).