Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends"

[Deleted]

I'd probably rephrase this one .. "People cannot be in a purely platonic friendship with other people whom they find sexually attractive". That probably goes for both sexes.

[IxilaFA]

The concept of just friends is something invented by women, I believe. Maybe to make themselves feel better about constantly hanging around guys all day, but not having to commit themselves to any of them. I've seen so many times where a woman will tell me "I just don't get along with any of the girls, so I'd rather hang around guys all day." They don't realize that men do get along with each other, and if they're hanging out with a girl it's likely they have some sort of attraction to them. If they don't have one now, they probably used to at some point or another and just gave up on it, and kept the friendship going anyway. Either way, there's usually some sort of attraction on the part of the guy, and if there wasn't any in the first place, they would've never started talking to you.

Personally, I know myself and almost my entire group of guy friends growing up through high school / early adulthood (we've since all moved to different parts of the country) never hung out with girls outside of our personal girlfriends. I worked with some, had other friends who occasionally go out on dates or whatever, but the census always was the same. We didn't hang out with women we weren't interested in sexually. Maybe we're just a strange group, and maybe we're not the normal, but I'm just stating what I've seen. For me, it's always been a question of "Why hang out with women, who are typically emotionally unstable and difficult, when I can hang around guys with whom I have things in common, and who are usually consistent with their emotions and line of thinking."

Maybe I'm wrong. I don't really care though.

[Deleted]

My close circle of friends consists of 4 girls and 1 guy, they're attractive and I've had a relationship with one of them, it doesn't change the fact I'm just friends with all the others. I think if a guy hasn't had a lot of platonic female friends they may find it much more difficult but I've had more female friends than male all my life, while I certainly wouldn't kick the pretty ones out of bed I've no desire to act upon those feelings.

[Deleted]

Girls and boys most definitely can be friends with one another. Most of my friends are female (I'm a boy.) and aside from a couple of female friends I've had crushes on, I don't go any further than thinking they're pretty. Girls make nicer friends in general in fact.

---------- Post added 2012-11-14 at 08:33 PM ----------

The concept of just friends is something invented by women, I believe. Maybe to make themselves feel better about constantly hanging around guys all day, but not having to commit themselves to any of them. I've seen so many times where a woman will tell me "I just don't get along with any of the girls, so I'd rather hang around guys all day." They don't realize that men do get along with each other, and if they're hanging out with a girl it's likely they have some sort of attraction to them. If they don't have one now, they probably used to at some point or another and just gave up on it, and kept the friendship going anyway. Either way, there's usually some sort of attraction on the part of the guy, and if there wasn't any in the first place, they would've never started talking to you.

Personally, I know myself and almost my entire group of guy friends growing up through high school / early adulthood (we've since all moved to different parts of the country) never hung out with girls outside of our personal girlfriends. I worked with some, had other friends who occasionally go out on dates or whatever, but the census always was the same. We didn't hang out with women we weren't interested in sexually. Maybe we're just a strange group, and maybe we're not the normal, but I'm just stating what I've seen. For me, it's always been a question of "Why hang out with women, who are typically emotionally unstable and difficult, when I can hang around guys with whom I have things in common, and who are usually consistent with their emotions and line of thinking."

Maybe I'm wrong. I don't really care though.

I'm sorry but that's just not true. Just because you don't hang out with girls for anything other than sex it doesn't mean everyone does. Girls tend to be friendlier, better at listening to problems, etc etc. Then again I'm hardly the stereotypical guy, so perhaps I'm just more in tune with girls.

[Deleted]

This whole discussion and everyone's position in it hinges on how they define friends versus "just friends". It has nothing to do with being able to separate sex and emotion, and it has nothing to do with maturity. It has to do with how you define those terms.

I define "just friends" as friendship for which none of my fondness for that person is about sexual attraction. I am capable of being friends with anyone for whom I have a sexual attraction, but it will never been "just friends" it will be friends who I would sleep with in the right circumstances. It is still friends, but it is not "just friends" even if that attraction is something I never act on (and since I'm happily married and generally feel a strong sense of honor and loyalty, none of those attractions are ever likely to be acted on).

In short, being friends is different from being "just friends" in my book, and while being one does not automatically exclude the other, "just friends" is something I cannot be with a woman whom I find attractive.

This is exactly my thought. I kind of agree that men and women can't be "just friends", as if the girl is a even a bit attractive, and they are close friends, it's normal that they'd take the opportunity to hang out together. I mean, you feel good with a person as a friend, if it's both ways, and both of them find the other attractive, it's a natural thing to want to date.

But anyway, in this case, if the man (or woman) is faithful to his wife/fiancee/girlfriend (or husband, etc.), even if the thoughts of "having sex" or "making out" with a close opposed-sex friend can (and most likely) exist, this won't ever happen. But if something bad happens in the original relationship, then the thoughts might take the lead.

If you are faithful, you wouldn't do anything close friends, but the day things go bad, it's natural that this friend you find attractive might become the best person you can have to start a relationship, hence why you would date them without much hesitation.

In my case, I love my girldfriend very much, and I have a very close friend (my bestfriend even) who I find pretty attractive (physically and intellectually, as she's smart, funny and pretty). But as I respect my gf, even if the thought of making out with my bestfriend is here, I wouldn't do anything. But naturally, the day we get both singles, we might take our chances. It's a question of respect for the person you love.

But if you are both singles and find each other attractives, what the hell are you waiting for ?

[Tziva]

Maybe not if you're a hormonal college student, but yes, men and women can be "just friends." You can argue it is harder for men, fine. You can even argue that men are more likely to sleep with a woman without considering her more than a friend. But the whole concept of "men and women can't be platonic friends" is silly.

The overwhelming majority of my friends are men. Aside from one friend, like, 15 years ago none of them have any interest in being more than that. On top of having actual platonic feelings, almost all of us have spouses and would never act on any feelings even if they did exist.

Wait....are you saying you go out with your husbands friends alone, if your husband is not feeling up to it? Yeah, I've been married 10 years and I have never done that with my husbands friends. If your husband went out with a couple of your female friends without you, you wouldn't be bothered by it?

When you've been together this long, your spouses friends really become your friends. There is nothing unusual with hanging out with friends the same gender as your spouse.

I really don't think this is weird at all. I've done it plenty of times myself (in fact one of my husband's friends is really more my friend nowadays than him since we hang out more frequently than they do). And, yes, my husband has lots of friends the same gender as me, and he will hang out with them without me there. We trust each other and don't see any need to supervise each other.

I would have to say, that your husbands friends are hanging out alone with you for a reason or ATLEAST hoping for a reason to arise....

Seriously? It couldn't possibly just be because they enjoy each other's company?

[Sackman]

Nope. I'm attracted to her. At least, I'm physically attracted to her in a primal way. Not having sex with her would be a conscious choice going against my initial impulse.

However the subject is "a man and a woman" not "a man and a woman who are exceptionnally attractive and attracted to each other while nude in a bed during a time of intense emotional turmoil".

Men and Women can be friends, they just make bad friends. imo

---------- Post added 2012-11-14 at 08:57 PM ----------

Maybe not if you're a hormonal college student, but yes, men and women can be "just friends." You can argue it is harder for men, fine. You can even argue that men are more likely to sleep with a woman without considering her more than a friend. But the whole concept of "men and women can't be platonic friends" is silly.

The overwhelming majority of my friends are men. Aside from one friend, like, 15 years ago none of them have any interest in being more than that. On top of having actual platonic feelings, almost all of us have spouses and would never act on any feelings even if they did exist.


When you've been together this long, your spouses friends really become your friends. There is nothing unusual with hanging out with friends the same gender as your spouse.

I really don't think this is weird at all. I've done it plenty of times myself (in fact one of my husband's friends is really more my friend nowadays than him since we hang out more frequently than they do). And, yes, my husband has lots of friends the same gender as me, and he will hang out with them without me there. We trust each other and don't see any need to supervise each other.


Seriously? It couldn't possibly just be because they enjoy each other's company?

I love how as a woman you argue that it is harder for men, and that men are more likely to sleep with a women without considering her more than a friend.

Some blatently insulting sexism if ever I read some.

[Tziva]

I love how as a woman you argue that it is harder for men, and that men are more likely to sleep with a women without considering her more than a friend.

Some blatently insulting sexism if ever I read some.

You grossly misunderstood my post. I'm not arguing that.

I'm saying one chose might make those arguments based on articles like the one the OP linked [it was a reference to people in this thread who have made such arguments]. But even if they are right -- and I'm not saying they are -- there is still a world of difference between "men are more likely to be attracted female friends" and "men cannot be friends with a woman without being attracted to her."

Personally, I don't know if either sex is more likely to have a difficult time maintaining platonic friendships. Certainly attraction is a risk anytime you forge a friendship with someone of your sexual preference. My only claim is that attraction being a risk does not mean attraction is a guarantee, and that goes for either gender.

[Deleted]

Certainly attraction is a risk anytime you forge a friendship with someone of your sexual preference.

The thing is that you can be friend with someone you don't necessarily find attractive, but while aging you end up seeing this person as a potential partner. You never know how things are going to evolve, creating some weird situations.

[Stir]

Holy crap, where do people draw these conclusions from? This is the exact kind of knee-jerk response that makes me so reluctant to talk about my personal life.

I have a circle of friends I enjoy very much. I go to parties and have a social life that, generally, fulfills my needs.

Because I opt not to be friends with every swinging dick that crosses my path, or (when I do find a woman who shares my interests) want something more and opt out of the friend zone where it happens, suddenly I'm a misogynist OR lonely.

Yes. I lead a life and have interests that are atypical for most people. Because you can't wrap your head around it doesn't mean there's something wrong with me.

If you'd read again... I didn't say there was something wrong with you.
My response wasn't knee-jerk at all, either. You're being overly defensive about it, too, which only works against you, to be honest.

But if you want an analysis on where 'people' draw these conclusions from:
You've said yourself that you cannot feel comfortable with a woman who shares your interests as 'just friends.' You've also said not many women share your interests. You imply, all the time, that you are male, and attracted to women.
This means that you assume any woman who walks by and shares your interests is perceived, by you, as an automatic romantic interest regardless of your personal feelings for that person. Which pretty much means you're desperate for love. Which is what I meant with 'lonely.'

Like it or not, you yourself pretty much said so.

[Argroth]

If you'd read again... I didn't say there was something wrong with you.
My response wasn't knee-jerk at all, either. You're being overly defensive about it, too, which only works against you, to be honest.

But if you want an analysis on where 'people' draw these conclusions from:
You've said yourself that you cannot feel comfortable with a woman who shares your interests as 'just friends.' You've also said not many women share your interests. You imply, all the time, that you are male, and attracted to women.
This means that you assume any woman who walks by and shares your interests is perceived, by you, as an automatic romantic interest regardless of your personal feelings for that person. Which pretty much means you're desperate for love. Which is what I meant with 'lonely.'

Like it or not, you yourself pretty much said so.

I didn't get that at all. You are jumping to some big conclusions and seem to imply that his way of thinking is wrong. You definitely seem to blame him more then he ever "says so himself".

How dare he think that women who share his interests would make a good girlfriend!

If you don't think that people of the opposite sex (or whatever sex you prefer) that share interests with you wouldn't make a good POSSIBLE romantic interest I hate to see the assholes/bitches you go for.

Some people KNOW that they would like to be with people who share their interests, You seem to be fighting that.

[Tziva]

The thing is that you can be friend with someone you don't necessarily find attractive, but while aging you end up seeing this person as a potential partner. You never know how things are going to evolve, creating some weird situations.

That doesn't really change my point. These things might happen, and you can describe the events and the development of the "more then friends" feelings in a lot of different ways. But no matter the circumstances for which it occurs, it's still a logical absurdity to jump from "happens sometimes" to "always happens" which is what people making the broad claims that men and women can't be platonic friends are doing.

[Deleted]

A good friend, who happens to be a girl, is often a bad choice for a girlfriend.
Someone you're dating, who becomes a girlfriend, should become a good friend along the way.

My BF was a friend before we got together. Most of my ex-bfs have been friends beforehand, I'm not too keen on putting myself in such a position with a completely unknown person, just not comfortable with that.

[Argroth]

My BF was a friend before we got together. Most of my ex-bfs have been friends beforehand, I'm not too keen on putting myself in such a position with a completely unknown person, just not comfortable with that.

There are lots of people like you. I believe you are the norm. I'm not sure at all why that person thinks the way they posted. He/she may have a reason but I don't see any obvious reasons why they think a good friend who is of the preferred gender immediately makes a bad girlfriend/boyfriend and would rather be with a random.

[xChurch]

Yes some people of the opposite sex can be just friends.
"But its to hard" might say.
Wrong, nothing is to hard with clarity and focus!

[Korrawi]

ok, I see that there's a confusion here. See, in my opinion, if a guy has an attraction towards his female friend then that is not just friends, it's a little bit more. I'm not saying that he will act on it, especially if he has a partner. He will most probably suppress it and even not speak of it ever,
but that does not deny the fact that the attraction is there and is affecting the "just friends" status, not necessarily in a negative way.
Yes, clarity and focus, attraction is still there.

[Deleted]

ok, I see that there's a confusion here. See, in my opinion, if a guy has an attraction towards his female friend then that is not just friends, it's a little bit more.

How is it a little bit more?

[Deleted]

How is it a little bit more?

Because you're thinking of going down on that person. Which is, I have to agree, little bit more than friends, as you don't only think of this person as a friend.

[Rukh]

This is BS. I have plenty of female friends and I've only slept with half of them.

[Gamez]

Lol men and women cant be Just Friends, after watching the reactions in the 2 videos of that channel

Saying otherwise is just ignorant xD