Should I tell him now or...

[Themius]

Right, so I was talking to some guy, over text and sometimes phone. Just a friend, possible dating in future? Perchance, but I am rather happy with more friends, friends are good. Now, I have asperger's (has this been reclassified to an ASD since DSMV? I saw something floating around about that, I don't know though someone mention something if they know lol) and in the past few years I have done very well with social interactions via texting and talking on the phone (though I do tend to ramble at times) in meetings though it's usually the same issue. Even for people that I know well. Very stressed, very nervous followed by me being distant/cold for a few hours, then I become very social, more outgoing and what not. Now with this new friend I am making the thought of meeting him to go for whatever is so nerve racking I begin light stimming. It's a little bit of a problem lol.

Despite this I do rather well in my job which is very social and get none of those issues. Perchance because I have a job to do.

[Deleted]

So, should you tell him that you have asperger's or something or should you tell him that you might like to date him? This I don't understand. Which of those you mean.

[Deleted]

Date him. Ignore your disabilities, you are who you are, everyone's beautifull etc. etc....

[Themius]

So, should you tell him that you have asperger's or something or should you tell him that you might like to date him? This I don't understand. Which of those you mean.

Asperger's. I just don't feel it's very positive to mention honestly. "Hey I'm kinda autistic so... if I seem odd to you, that's totally why." Though.. that is better than seeming cold and distant leaving the other person to assume you're just kind of cold and distant lol.



Dating thing I am not so concerned with, if I date then sure, if not then sure I need more friends.

[Xanjori]

Asperger's. I just don't feel it's very positive to mention honestly. "Hey I'm kinda autistic so... if I seem odd to you, that's totally why."


Dating thing I am not so concerned with, if I date then sure, if not then sure I need more friends.

It depends how it affects you in situations. My GFs got it and honestly if I didnt know she had it it would be a lot harder to live with her. As I know she has it and we discuss what it gives problems with and what helps with it then things arent so bad. But then with you it may not be much of a big deal, aspergers varies so much from person to person so you just have to make your own judgement call realistically.

[Liagala]

Asperger's. I just don't feel it's very positive to mention honestly. "Hey I'm kinda autistic so... if I seem odd to you, that's totally why." Though.. that is better than seeming cold and distant leaving the other person to assume you're just kind of cold and distant lol.

You just answered your own question. It may seem a little less than positive, but it beats the heck out of the negative vibes he'd get if you just shut down on him without his knowing why. I'd just toss it into the middle of a conversation about your plans of where/when to meet - "Hey, just a warning - if I seem a little distant or whatever, don't take it personally. I have Asperger's, and I sometimes get a little odd on first meetings. Just give me some time and I'll come around."

[Deleted]

Asperger's. I just don't feel it's very positive to mention honestly. "Hey I'm kinda autistic so... if I seem odd to you, that's totally why."


Dating thing I am not so concerned with, if I date then sure, if not then sure I need more friends.

Better let him know you have autism as fast as you can. Not the first thing you'd say, obviously, but let him know at least on the first date, I would want to know if someone I dated had autism.

[Themius]

It depends how it affects you in situations. My GFs got it and honestly if I didnt know she had it it would be a lot harder to live with her. As I know she has it and we discuss what it gives problems with and what helps with it then things arent so bad. But then with you it may not be much of a big deal, aspergers varies so much from person to person so you just have to make your own judgement call realistically.

Aa well with me I some situations will cause more friction, such as telling me were going to do something and suddenly changing those plans. That will piss me off and frankly stress me out, unless I know ahead of time that there are no plans and anything will happen, then I will have no problem at all. Also I don't like meeting peoples friends, at least not in groups of more than 2 (including the person I already know) unless I have met them all previously, otherwise I am just likely to sit there doing absolutely nothing staring off into space and thinking about something else. I tend to not put myself in situations that would cause me to freak out, to the point I forget somethings do indeed cause me to have some what of a melt down.

[Neetz]

Tell him One of my best friends has Aspergers and he told me from the very start. I find that he can go very in depth about certain subjects (that he finds very intresting) to a point where I am completely baffled and lost track on what he is talking about. However, because I know he has aspergers, and because he has warned me about his tendencies to carry a conversation so deeply, I expect this and try my hardest to keep focussed on the conversation rather than thinking arghh!!! I guess this is what you meant by 'rambling' I am sure it won't change his mind at all if he wants more than friends also

[Themius]

You just answered your own question. It may seem a little less than positive, but it beats the heck out of the negative vibes he'd get if you just shut down on him without his knowing why. I'd just toss it into the middle of a conversation about your plans of where/when to meet - "Hey, just a warning - if I seem a little distant or whatever, don't take it personally. I have Asperger's, and I sometimes get a little odd on first meetings. Just give me some time and I'll come around."

mm that seems fair. I was thinking something along the lines of that. Though... with the release of dsmv Asperger's now is gone and is in the Autism Spectrum Disorder group.

[Neetz]

As for meeting up and feeling really nervous, I think you'll find almost everyone has that problem, especially introverts like myself

[Kisho]

Honesty is the best policy, especially with something like this. It would be awful if he went away thinking you were cold, distant, and didn't like him, but that wasn't the case.

Sure, awkward to bring up, but I think it'd be necessary in this situation. Good luck either way!

[Xanjori]

Aa well with me I some situations will cause more friction, such as telling me were going to do something and suddenly changing those plans. That will piss me off and frankly stress me out, unless I know ahead of time that there are no plans and anything will happen, then I will have no problem at all. Also I don't like meeting peoples friends, at least not in groups of more than 2 (including the person I already know) unless I have met them all previously, otherwise I am just likely to sit there doing absolutely nothing staring off into space and thinking about something else. I tend to not put myself in situations that would cause me to freak out, to the point I forget somethings do indeed cause me to have some what of a melt down.

Id say you probably need to tell him, its important that he knows so that he can avoid doing things that would stress you. You're quite similar to my GF with some of those, I tend to have to run her life in certain areas to avoid her getting stressed. Also you dont want to appear rude when having troubles at a social event, when my GF was over with my family for Xmas dinner she kinda put herself in a corner and went very quiet because she had trouble with that many people, if we didnt know she had the aspergers Id have felt she's being rude and that'd have upset me.

[Thage]

Asperger's. I just don't feel it's very positive to mention honestly. "Hey I'm kinda autistic so... if I seem odd to you, that's totally why." Though.. that is better than seeming cold and distant leaving the other person to assume you're just kind of cold and distant lol.



Dating thing I am not so concerned with, if I date then sure, if not then sure I need more friends.

Just tell him you have a condition that makes it difficult to properly express emotions and make social cues difficult for you to pick up on (the two main red flags for the Syndrome, if memory serves). It will save you both frustration and misread cues that could turn disastrous in the long run if he knows about your Asperger's.

[dokilar]

kind of a tough call i think. one would like to think that if he cares about you, both as a friend and the chance of something more later down the road, then if you told him he wouldnt care and would remain your friend (possible boyfriend you say). personally i think it would help him understand you better if he knew you had it but thats just my opinion.

edit : when i say he wouldnt care what i mean by that is he wouldnt let it affect his relationship with you

[Liagala]

mm that seems fair. I was thinking something along the lines of that. Though... with the release of dsmv Asperger's now is gone and is in the Autism Spectrum Disorder group.

This may come across as a little insensitive, and if it does, I apologize in advance. That said, I'd stick with either mild Autism or Asperger's as the initial description when you mention it to him. Those are words that just about everyone understands. If he's interested and asks about it, then get into the correct term for where you land on said Autism Spectrum. Coming out with a lesser-known term right off the bat sometimes scares people off. I haven't the faintest idea what DSMV stands for, and my mental process if someone told me they had it would be totally different than if they said they had Asperger's. DSMV would hit the radar as a big problem (because it's an unknown and therefore scary) that might cause difficulty in maintaining a friendship. Asperger's hits me as a normal person with some social issues, but no big deal. In general, people are dumb and first impressions make a big difference.

Also, what is DSMV? I'm entirely too lazy to Google it, and descriptions from people who actually have a condition are easier to assimilate than clinical definitions anyway.

[Reg]

Tell him about the Asperger's. Don't tell him about the ponies.

[Deleted]

I don't see anything wrong with telling him of your condition, but I guess it's always a possibility that he might react in a not nice way, but I don't think that'll happen, atleast the person will accept that if he really likes you.

[Dsfunctional]

I don't see anything wrong with telling him of your condition, but I guess it's always a possibility that he might react in a not nice way, but I don't think that'll happen, atleast the person will accept that if he really likes you.

Just go a head a tell him. You'll be much better off by doing it now than later, because it will help explain some of the unusual behaviors that he may experience while being with you. If he really likes you as a person, then your ASD should not stand in his way. If I was in his situation, I would appreciate you telling me because your opening up to him which shows trust.

When I was 10 the Doctor told me that I that I was demonstrating OCD behaviors, by the age of 12 they labled me with disorder. Since then, I have always been open with people in sharing that I am OCD and I have never run into any major issues.

[Themius]

This may come across as a little insensitive, and if it does, I apologize in advance. That said, I'd stick with either mild Autism or Asperger's as the initial description when you mention it to him. Those are words that just about everyone understands. If he's interested and asks about it, then get into the correct term for where you land on said Autism Spectrum. Coming out with a lesser-known term right off the bat sometimes scares people off. I haven't the faintest idea what DSMV stands for, and my mental process if someone told me they had it would be totally different than if they said they had Asperger's. DSMV would hit the radar as a big problem (because it's an unknown and therefore scary) that might cause difficulty in maintaining a friendship. Asperger's hits me as a normal person with some social issues, but no big deal. In general, people are dumb and first impressions make a big difference.

Also, what is DSMV? I'm entirely too lazy to Google it, and descriptions from people who actually have a condition are easier to assimilate than clinical definitions anyway.

It's pretty much what psychiatrist and psychologist use to diagnose mental differences. It's pretty much their bible. DSMIV was the last one which hasn't been updated in 20 years I think, and now this is the fifth once, hence, DSMV.