What's socially acceptable in the situation?

[Reeve]

Let it go. Isolate yourself from her to get over it.

And her boyfriend is 19 years older? Dafuq???

You've never dated someone 19 years older? It's kind of nice, really. I was 26 when I went out with a 45 year old for several months. It was a great experience.

[Knight Gil]

If you've confessed having feelings for someone, asking them out socially without their significant other is asking them to date you.

That's such a ridiculous MTV-like-minded approach to relationships. Seriously

When she says "can I bring my boyfriend?", what she's actually saying is "I am totally NOT going to date you, but I would like to remain friends, so I would like to bring my boyfriend to state clearly to you and everyone else that we are in no way romantically linked."

Then she's not a good friend and he's better off without her. Friends don't need to play games.

Not to mention, hey boyfriend finding out she went to a party with a guy who's romantically interested in her, without taking her boyfriend, is basically shouting "I AM ALREADY OR WILL SHORTLY CHEAT ON YOU WITH THIS DUDE". So there's no way he should be cool with the situation, either.

Trust is required in a relationship. If his boyfriend doesn't trust her to go alone on this guy's party, there is no trust in that relationship.

What the OP's done has basically forced her into this reaction.

The OP isn't to blame for anything. Actually, no one is. But if he doesn't want someone that he doesn't know from anywhere else in his party, it's his right to do so. I'd even say that's a wise decision. Getting people you don't know beforehand in your own house is very foolish.

[Deleted]

She obviously wants nothing to do with you when it comes to love.

- She (from your story), didn't have any positive emotional response to you sharing your feelings towards her.
- She found a new boyfriend while already knowing your feelings.
- Said boyfriend is 19 years older than her. She obviously didn't even consider you if she's with someone that older.

Need more hints? This is why guys and gals can't just be "friends", best friends is an even crazier concept. I would say, move on, find new friends (non girl ones).

[Noomz]

Ok, so I have a good friend, my best friend. And I started to like her, and told her so. Now she replied with "and what should I say now?" to which I said "nothing, was just being sincere". This happened almost 1 month ago.

But that is for context.

A few days from now it will be my birthday, and I wanted to spend it with my best friend, her. Yes, I also like her and yes, she knows, as I stated.
However, she managed to find a boyfriend in the meantime (it's complicated, I could say I don't like him, but this time I am probably subjective since I started liking her, he's probably a nice guy just that he's 19 years older then her... and has a child with another lady whom he visits and sits with that lady 3 months per year). I don't know him, I've never seen or talked with him, he's never seen or talked to me. Only know him from stories and I presume he knows me the same if she told him stories of me.

So, ignoring this, I invited her to a sort of get-together for my birthday. I only wanted to invite her. So today we talked on phone and she asked if she can bring her new boyfriend. And I said no. And she said something like "so what am I going to do, leave him home?" and I said yes (lol). In the end after a bit more chat she convinced me to think more about it. Afterwards she sent me a message sort of like "you're so strange sometimes".

So I stood and thought. It's my birthday. I don't know this dude even from talking or saying hello once. I wanted to get along with my best friend whom I also like and she knows it... yet she wants to bring her new boyfriend. Whom i didn't invite.
On one hand, I don't want to invite him because of those reasons. On the other hand however, I still need to give her her christmas gift (she was gone to country so couldn't give it to her earlier) and I know that would make the dude think about the relationship.

What am I missing?

Women rarely make sense. I could theorize and make up ideas about what seems to go on in your friends head but I fear I have nothing positive to say. I think she's being cruel and seems to have daddy issues. I mean really, 19 years older and he's got a kid with someone else? Are you sure she's not playing with you? She's definetly not telling you things, that much is certain.

[Reeve]

That's such a ridiculous MTV-like-minded approach to relationships. Seriously



Then she's not a good friend and he's better off without her. Friends don't need to play games.



Trust is required in a relationship. If his boyfriend doesn't trust her to go alone on this guy's party, there is no trust in that relationship.



The OP isn't to blame for anything. Actually, no one is. But if he doesn't want someone that he doesn't know from anywhere else in his party, it's his right to do so. I'd even say that's a wise decision. Getting people you don't know beforehand in your own house is very foolish.

"I'm going to reject someone I know you care about deeply" is a pretty shitty attitude for a friend to take.

[Deleted]

When a friend of yours is in a relationship with another person, he becomes a part of her. She chose him, and by rejecting him, you're disparaging her choices. If you invite her, but not her boyfriend, you're rejecting a part of her. It's insulting, insensitive, and just a plain bad way for a friend to act. If you don't want her boyfriend to come, fine, but then you shouldn't invite her either, because she's with him. They're a package deal.

Not really, in the end the host is allowed to pick who he wants to spend time with. You have the right to deny him an invite, but she has the right to decline your invite as well...that makes her a bitch in my eyes but it's her right nonetheless.

[Sicarus]

You've never dated someone 19 years older? It's kind of nice, really. I was 26 when I went out with a 45 year old for several months. It was a great experience.

I'll take your word for it..

[Endus]

That's such a ridiculous MTV-like-minded approach to relationships. Seriously

Seriously? No, it's basic relationship psychology.

If I say "hey, I like you, in a romantic way not just as a friend", then I have stated that I want a deeper relationship. Socializing in a one-to-one way suggests a reciprocation of that feeling, or at least being open to exploring it. If you don't reciprocate, then you need to set firm boundaries to prevent me from getting the wrong idea.

That's what she did, in asking if she could bring her boyfriend. It's saying "I'll come, but I need to prove that I'm coming as a friend not a potential date". There's nothing MTV-ey about it.

Then she's not a good friend and he's better off without her. Friends don't need to play games.

It's the opposite of "playing games". She's pretty explicitly saying she's not interested in anything but friendship, and is wants to bring her boyfriend to make that clear.

Trust is required in a relationship. If his boyfriend doesn't trust her to go alone on this guy's party, there is no trust in that relationship.

Trust is required for a relationship to last. You build trust by not doing things like going solo to a party for a guy who your boyfriend knows is trying to steal you.

The OP isn't to blame for anything. Actually, no one is. But if he doesn't want someone that he doesn't know from anywhere else in his party, it's his right to do so. I'd even say that's a wise decision. Getting people you don't know beforehand in your own house is very foolish.

I'm not blaming him for anything. Confessing his feelings was a heck of a lot better way to go than keeping them secret and hoping to win her over. It takes cojones, and he should be applauded for that.

But if she's not going to reciprocate, he needs to move on so he doesn't fixate on someone who won't return those feelings.

[Revik]

When a friend of yours is in a relationship with another person, he becomes a part of her. She chose him, and by rejecting him, you're disparaging her choices. If you invite her, but not her boyfriend, you're rejecting a part of her. It's insulting, insensitive, and just a plain bad way for a friend to act. If you don't want her boyfriend to come, fine, but then you shouldn't invite her either, because she's with him. They're a package deal.

Reeve just put down so succinctly how I feel on the topic.

From your description of your party there doesn't sound like any reason why someone couldn't bring their significant other. There are parties which are exclusive to one gender like girl's slumber parties or men's bachelor parties but this doesn't sound like one of them. Therefore your overt forwardness of wanting her to come alone comes off as selfish and immature.

IMO, it's like for you to find a new best friend.

[Deleted]

Not really, in the end the host is allowed to pick who he wants to spend time with. You have the right to deny him an invite, but she has the right to decline your invite as well...that makes her a bitch in my eyes but it's her right nonetheless.

She's a bitch for declining an invite? O_o

[Lenonis]

Wow...people seem to really be glossing over the fact that the OP has a total agenda that is pretty shady. This isn't about him wanting to hang out with a buddy on his birthday, this is about him wanting alone time with a girl he has a crush on hoping to spark something that will in reality never happen.

And she knows, and she's doing everything she can to avoid it while trying to be polite.

And the OP is trying to make her the bad guy.

This will not end well.

[Endus]

Need more hints? This is why guys and gals can't just be "friends", best friends is an even crazier concept. I would say, move on, find new friends (non girl ones).

Guys and girls can be great friends. But there has to be no romantic feelings on either side for it to work. Otherwise, one of the two wants more out of the relationship than the other, and that's going to cause stress that will usually lead to a pretty big blowup.

Also; many people can divorce emotions from sex. A dude thinking you're hot and wanting to bang you does not mean he can't be your friend, especially as he probably thinks similar things about a lot of hot girls. If he ONLY wants to bang you, because he cares about you and wants you to be his girlfriend, that's the friendship-killer.

[Deleted]

What am I missing?

There is no boyfriend, she just doesn't want you to fill that role.
She probably watched a sitcom and just read you the plot.

[EyelessCrow]

Wow...people seem to really be glossing over the fact that the OP has a total agenda that is pretty shady. This isn't about him wanting to hang out with a buddy on his birthday, this is about him wanting alone time with a girl he has a crush on hoping to spark something that will in reality never happen.

And she knows, and she's doing everything she can to avoid it while trying to be polite.

And the OP is trying to make her the bad guy.

This will not end well.

I'm going to agree with this.

Those of you that are saying she is playing games...the information the OP has given makes me feel like he is the one doing it.

[Deleted]

She's a bitch for declining an invite? O_o

For that reason on a birthday...yes. If she would honest about the reason it's all good, but not going because your partner isn't invited is just silly. Especially among close friends.

Wow...people seem to really be glossing over the fact that the OP has a total agenda that is pretty shady. This isn't about him wanting to hang out with a buddy on his birthday, this is about him wanting alone time with a girl he has a crush on hoping to spark something that will in reality never happen.

And she knows, and she's doing everything she can to avoid it while trying to be polite.

And the OP is trying to make her the bad guy.

This will not end well.

There is nothing polite about avoiding the issue, if she can't hang around with him she should say it flat out...shes not much of a friend if she can't do that much.

As I said, if she would say honestly she simply doesn't want to be alone with him anymore than that's fine.

[EyelessCrow]

For that reason on a birthday...yes. If she would honest about the reason it's all good, but not going because your partner isn't invited is just silly. Especially among close friends.

So if you were in a serious relationship with someone and one of your friends says "no you cannot bring them" because you know they have a thing for you and you don't have any feelings for them you would be perfectly fine with that?

[Knight Gil]

"I'm going to reject someone I know you care about deeply" is a pretty shitty attitude for a friend to take.

"I'm going to bring someone to your home that you don't know from any place and that, even though I care for him so much, he might be an asshole to you or other people, because then I may put my point across that I'm not romantically interested in you" isn't much better.

Seriously? No, it's basic relationship psychology.

If I say "hey, I like you, in a romantic way not just as a friend", then I have stated that I want a deeper relationship. Socializing in a one-to-one way suggests a reciprocation of that feeling, or at least being open to exploring it. If you don't reciprocate, then you need to set firm boundaries to prevent me from getting the wrong idea.

That's what she did, in asking if she could bring her boyfriend. It's saying "I'll come, but I need to prove that I'm coming as a friend not a potential date". There's nothing MTV-ey about it.

If she's already have a boyfriend, then she doesn't need to prove anything else, and he needs to move on. So, it's she who must set her own boundaries, by refusing to take romantic contact with the OP, and thus having respect for her boyfriend's trust. Since the OP's invitation to the party (hell, or even 1 on 1 contact) isn't inherently sexual or romantic, insisting in bringing her boyfriend is a douchbag move, a desperate attempt to prove a point. That's ridiculous.

If she can't keep friends with him without feeling the need to have her boyfriend behind watching her steps, then she should just drop the friendship.

It's the opposite of "playing games". She's pretty explicitly saying she's not interested in anything but friendship, and is wants to bring her boyfriend to make that clear.

She already explicitly said she isn't interested. She doesn't need to make any more clear than that.

Trust is required for a relationship to last. You build trust by not doing things like going solo to a party for a guy who your boyfriend knows is trying to steal you.

I don't think the OP is trying to "steal her". If she already has a boyfriend, and there's a possibility that he steals her, even after she explicitly said that she isn't interested in him (come on, she got a 19 year older guy than they, what possibility is there for her to be stolen when that just screams "not interested" so much) now that's proof that the relationship won't last. If he can't trust the girl to go solo on a party for that guy, then he has trust issues. You don't solve those trust issues by being controlling and only feeling fine for the girl to go on the party if she brings you in.

I'm not blaming him for anything. Confessing his feelings was a heck of a lot better way to go than keeping them secret and hoping to win her over. It takes cojones, and he should be applauded for that.

But if she's not going to reciprocate, he needs to move on so he doesn't fixate on someone who won't return those feelings.

It's a birthday party, not an orgy. He needs to move on by finding another girl that he can be romantically interested in. Not by cutting all perfectly normal contact with her. There is nothing wrong with going on such a party alone, and someone involved think there is, then there are bigger issues at hand than him having said "I like you" to her

[Deleted]

I think you are leaving out that they used to really good friends...we can assume they never were that close, but that wouldn't help the discussion as you can assume a lot of things.

She needs to be honest, even if it will hurt to say the obvious.

[Deleted]

Can she really not be without him for a day?

Pretty much this. It's your birthday, you shouldn't have to put up with some guy you don't even know, and who is (I'm presuming) roughly 19 years older than you too, which just makes it fucking weird imo.. Sometimes one's friends get into strange relationships, and you should not have to put up with that, especially not when it's your birthday, and you invited her alone.
Besides, they've only been together for a month. Unless they're super serious about this, leaving her boyfriend out for this wouldn't even be just a little weird.. but that's just my opinion..

[Knight Gil]

So if you were in a serious relationship with someone and one of your friends says "no you cannot bring them" because you know they have a thing for you and you don't have any feelings for them you would be perfectly fine with that?

Birthday parties can get somewhat expensive, you know? Why would he waste more money (on food, for example) on a guy that he doesn't know from anywhere? And trusting someone that you don't know beforehand to go in your house is foolish, just like I said before.