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  1. #61
    The Insane Aeilon's Avatar
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    Jan 2009
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rukentuts View Post
    Some people just find marriage constricting. It doesn't mean they cannot have a normal healthy relationship. In addition, you're both young; attitudes may change over time.
    This is key...thread can be closed as she prob thinks different 1 year from now

  2. #62
    The Patient
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Seriously, just enjoy your time and don't plan ahead like this.

    For all you know, in 5 years from now, she may want to get married and you might be the one that will want to travel and wait until you are 30...

  3. #63
    Op op op....

    Marriage is meaningless.

    You likely already have a better relationship that most married couples, forget marriage and keep on living with the people you love instead of worrying over it, if it works it works, if it doesnt, it doesnt.

    Marriage isnt the next step, you are already on the last step, a stable good relationship, kids, marriage, same house? those are things that come with it, not "next steps"

    Personally i share my views with your gf, marrying or having kids before 30ish is wasting your life away, go travel, meet new people, share the adventures with her and some alone, live before restraining yourself to those things.
    Enjoy life and have fun, that is all i can tell you.

    Traveling and moving out of the country has nothing to do with commitment, i have lived in 4 different countries in the past 6 years and have a gf for the last 2, we are still together even though right now we are a continent away, we visit, we spend time together, couple of months and then go back to do what we have to do, a relationship grows and matures, when you arent a teenager anymore you realize that you dont have to be clingy and spend 24/7 with the loved one, it feels great yeah it does, i much prefer it to the normal guy view of "i see my "loved" one when iget home, till then its spending time with friends at the bar" fuck that imo, gf comes first to me, but im mature enough to know that i cant drag her around everywhere i go, so i told her right away and she is fine with it, she is a bit of a loner and has to take care of her family for now, and later she also wants to travel so she will join me.

    Now you have to make a decision, is marriage with "a girl" your goal? to sit down in your country without ever wondering what is out there? if yes, break up with her, spare her the trouble of doing it because it wont work, you seem to have very different ideas of what a goal in a relationship is and what you want to do with your lives.

    If you realize that yeah, marriage isnt that important at all and are curious about traveling as well, apologize to her and tell her you were being silly and want to share her adventures around with her, be a proper partner instead of a chain.

    Yeah, my views on it are a tad biased.

  4. #64
    People change, as do the things they want out of life.

    My boyfriend never wanted to get married nor have children. He just didnt see himself as that kind of person, thought either of these would be too restricting for him and that life with just me was what he wanted. That changed and 9 weeks ago, I gave birth to our first child, our beautiful son Logan. Now he cant see life without him and he's a bloody brilliant dad.

    Dont be so quick to write somebody that you care about off, just because they say that they dont see marriage in their future at this point in time. Feelings and goals in life can change so quickly.

  5. #65
    Mechagnome Xzan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Brno, Czech republic
    Quote Originally Posted by stenr862 View Post
    So I'll give you a bit of background before anything. Basically I have been in a relationship for six months now and no I am NOT planning on getting married anytime soon. I am 19 and so is she. However, I did want to get married by around 25 years of age not because I need to validate my love for someone but because I feel its merely the next logical step in a relationship after a few years. Of course we might not be together in a few years, however I sincerely hope we are. So we had this talk a few days ago and I said that I had never even considered a relationship unless I thought that it could get somewhere with someone (this came after being in a relationship with a few women which inevitably ended in bitterness and anguish). I have declined going on dates or going out with people just on the basis that I don't think it would go very far.

    In this talk, a few things were said. She said she didn't see herself getting married until 30 possibly 35 and she saw herself traveling a lot in her lifetime. I was thinking: But why enter a relationship (tell me you love me) when you are eventually going to get ready to leave this country and travel for as long as you can? What is the point in that? Did you just have this relationship for fun or does it actually mean something? Admittedly, her past relationships especially with her father and men in her family haven't been too good (she hates most men especially her father, and most of her aunties got divorced, as did her mother). She ended up saying that she feels I'm putting a lot of pressure on her because she never planned on getting married so early at 25.

    How should I feel about this? I feel quite pessimistic about this relationship after learning all of this... I feel almost like what was the point if you always knew you were going to leave eventually.
    With my experience with these things I can just tell you that you seem to be pressuring it a bit too much. It's fine to ask her what are her long-term plans, but those are likely to change or perhaps go away altogether as time passes. You just need to analyze what she said and understand she is a free spirit. She doesn't reject marriage, she'd only like it later than you.

    You now have pretty much only two choices.
    You can feel bad about her, victimize yourself (see bolded part and think hard about it) and try to rationalize your opinion and argue with her about it and make yourself sound right in hopes of achieving marriage with her at 25 years of age.
    Or you can just carry on being with her, do your things, obivously not mention it again as she's apparently already feeling under pressure from your conversation earlier. You just need to enjoy your time with her, preferably go travel with her if you don't wanna lose her (it will be fun btw) and later on you'll see what happens. Odds are her hormons will overpower her wish to travel and she'll want to settle down herself soon enough.

  6. #66
    The Patient Facedesk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Sollefteå, Sweden
    I came here to tell you that marriage is an useless ancient act of no use, and that you can spend all your days happily together without having gods blessing. But i realize that it's not the marriage itself that you really need, it's just commitment.
    It's really hard to ask for anything much when you're in your age, or mine for that matter (early twenties). People break up all the time. But i admire the idea you have of not entering a relationship in which you see no longevity. So good on you for that!
    I look at it like I'm willing to take a risk. I don't enter a relationship without thinking about the future either, but if it doesn't work out, at least i gave it a shot.
    My advice? It's going to sound a lot like what others have already told you. Try to live a little more in the now, enjoy each day that you get to spend with a person you love and have fun with. Hopefully, you'll end up happy ever after, but don't let that be the focus.
    "Should i trust this fart?"-Brian Redban

  7. #67
    Wow some of you people have really terrible ideas about marriage.

    Marriage isn't about settling down and living in the same house for the rest of your life and pushing out a babby ever 2 years. Its about promising to love somebody for the rest of your life and wanting to tell the world about it.
    Last edited by Gamdwelf; 2013-01-24 at 05:07 PM.
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  8. #68
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Quote Originally Posted by kendro1200 View Post
    Basically she's telling you that she thinks of you as a fun sex toy, and useful for emotional support. As a person though she has commitment issues.
    Yeah this doesn't have to be true at all.

    In my own story i was 19 when i started dating my current gf, after about half a year together she traveled to south America for 6 months, It was something she wanted to do before we started dating and is very normal for people at that age (I wasn't clingy and didn't even ask i could go with her), If I had told her at the time that I wanted to marry her in the future I'm pretty sure she would have thought I was a weirdo and rightfully so. Now we are both 25 living together for 4 years but not married, however if i went in to the next room today and asked her to marry me i am 99.9% sure she would say yes.

    She is the woman i will marry and have children with and she knows it, so there is no real rush. Why even have certain points in your life where you need to have things achieved, things might change or you might be busy with other things. Feeling that a relationship is pointless unless both have agreed to marry after 6 months is a ridicules notion tbh and you will most likely find yourself lonely, since it is very rare to find someone like that. I would personally always doubt a relationship where both feel like marriage after 6 months, the odds will often be against you since it's a decision based only on spontaneous emotions and have noting to do with reason, and you need some kind of reason when making a big life-decision like that.

  9. #69
    Mechagnome kleinlax21's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Austin & Houston, Texas
    OP, I dated a girl for two and a half years during the end of high school and through my first two years of college. We were both convinced we wanted to spend our lives together, get married, and have a boy and a girl. We were planning to get married after she graduated college when we were both around 25.

    Obviously, that didn't happen. I'm not saying your situation will end the way mine did at all, but I just want you to realize that people change. When she broke up with me, my ex wasn't the same person that she was when we fell in love, and neither was I. It's just a fact of life that you guys might not work out the way you want to. Maybe y'all end up traveling the world and getting married at 35. It's no big deal to wait on something like that; it's actually a good thing that neither of you want to elope and get married this second lol.

    You can't plan your life out to the extent that you expect her to. Things happen, and more often than not, your original plans end in the shitter, for better or for worse. My advice is to not worry about what's coming in 5 years (hopefully a college degree for both of you, but other than that don't sweat it) and don't mention marriage to your significant other without a real, tangible intention of you popping the question in the near future. Talking about big commitment freaks some people out, even if they are ok with a proposal like marriage.

    Best of luck to you OP.
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  10. #70
    First off priorities change a LOT over time. What you want right now will likely be very different than what you want in even just a few years. Also it seems like you are planning ahead a lot in your relationship, while this is great for some things in life, I have found that planning this far ahead in relationships (especially this early into a relationship) is not productive and can be fairly off putting; and like I said before is very likely to change.

    That being said marriage is very important to some people, and a lot less important to others. It really means nothing in terms of how committed someone is to a relationship. For instance I have been together with my "GF" for going on 7 years now. We are just as committed together as any married couple I know, and have stuck together through some very difficult times. We actually have decided to get married, but it was not because of something we had planned for, and it was not something we felt we had to do to get to the next level in our relationship.

    In the end my advice would be just don't worry about it. If you really care about her and enjoy spending time with her, just continue to do that. Both of you will change over time, if the relationship works you will both compromise and flex to make things happen and stay together. If the relationship doesn't work you can at least take away the experience that you gained as well as the fond memories.

  11. #71
    If a girl wants to be with and have sex with you and doesn't want to get married... it's sort of hard to have a problem with it. Sooner you realize that the better haha.
    The most successful tyranny is not the one that uses force to assure uniformity but the one that removes the awareness of other possibilities.

  12. #72
    being married doesn't prevent someone from cheating. not being married doesn't mean they are going to cheat.

  13. #73
    concerned about her not wanting to get married? You sir should be admitted to a psych ward. That is probably the best possible outcome. Marriage means nothing anymore its just a title. The only difference of when you get married or not is...if you get married she can take all your happy she doesnt want it...

  14. #74
    well, I can tell u my experience.

    when I was 19, I wanted to marry the girl I had. she broke my heart, we didnt get married, I finish college, got a nice job, got to know a lot of people, traveled the world myself. loved a couple other women, and then at 35 I found the love of my life and married her, we are waiting our first child atm, 10 weeks of pregnancy now.

    would I be happy with the girl I had at 19? sure not... the world was too small for me, the expectations I had for life at that time were little and limited.

    If I would give any advice for you, settle... is she the love of your life? maybe. but above all, give time to time and the best may happen for both of you, being togheter or not. remember one thing... love and marriage is partnership above all, when u find someone willing to be your partner in life and this include all aspects of life, get her, wait for her if necessary, but dont dive in a relationship to be alone in your dreams and projects.

    cheers from Brazil.

  15. #75
    Quote Originally Posted by Bwutty View Post
    If she had ANY plans on including him in her travels, she would've stated so outright.. trust me..

    Yet she's doing the right thing by not giving him false hopes so I kinda understand her reasons..
    Except she doesn't have any concrete plans lol

    I want to travel some too once I'm out of school and am on my way to having a career, guess what? Finishing school and wanting to travel with some vague ideas of where I want to go are the ONLY things I have planned for those travels. She knows she wants to travel. Unless she's got the next 15 years of her life in a daily planner her plans are FAR from set in stone lol

  16. #76
    both of you are still young i wouldnt worry about it. heck the way the world is going right now? your more likily to have a kid 1st...which would probibly trigger marriage.
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  17. #77
    Dreadlord Dragore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    In front of my computer
    "Listen to me, I got no reason to lie to you, don't make the same mistakes I made when I was young. Fuck a lotta women kid, not just one woman, a lotta women. "
    - Little Miss Sunshine

    Relax and enjoy life dude don't stress yourself out so much. Life's not a planned thing its random and shitty, enjoy it while you're young. A piece of paper doesn't dictate your love for a woman its just used to taxes. If she's the "one" then you will make it work.

  18. #78
    If my husband didn't want to join the Navy we still wouldn't be married. And we've been together for nearly 6 years, married for 1 in March. He joined for my benefit because Tricare covers everything I need (I'm a Type I Diabetic), and the guy wanted to work on jets :P Well, he's accomplishing both right now. And I couldn't be more devoted to him, and I couldn't ask such a sacrifice from someone. But he didn't even see it that way.

    What it all boils down to is, if you love her. Respect her. A piece of paper shouldn't matter. Because that's all it is :/ I keep ours in a folder. So far, it's extravagant uses have been- proof of marriage for Driver's License change for last name, also social security card, and my military ID. Just a major pain in the ass. Dave and I wouldn't even be married right now if he didn't enlist :P

  19. #79
    Immortal Austilias's Avatar
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    Aug 2011
    Antrim, Northern Ireland
    Quote Originally Posted by Gamdwelf View Post
    Wow some of you people have really terrible ideas about marriage.

    Marriage isn't about settling down and living in the same house for the rest of your life and pushing out a babby ever 2 years. Its about promising to love somebody for the rest of your life and wanting to tell the world about it.
    Pretty much. If you love someone it shouldn't be an issue nor anything to worry about.
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  20. #80
    This is crazy, you are 19 and bringing up marriage. Holy shit man, if I was 19 and the girl I dated brought up marriage in any serious way I would run for my life.

    I'm 28 been with my gf for 4 years come summer, she is 25 btw, and we havn't had that discussion. We have had discussions about the future but certainly not about marriage in a serious way. My cousin was with the her man for like 15 years before they married.
    Last edited by Jackmoves; 2013-01-24 at 06:47 PM.
    The nerve is called the "nerve of awareness". You cant dissect it. Its a current that runs up the center of your spine. I dont know if any of you have sat down, crossed your legs, smoked DMT, and watch what happens... but what happens to me is this big thing goes RRRRRRRRRAAAAAWWW! up my spine and flashes in my brain... well apparently thats whats going to happen if I do this stuff...

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