The Abridged Life of Anduin Wrynn

[Breccia]

Crown Prince Anduin Llane Wrynn: Dad, now that I'm ten, I think I am old enough to know: why don't I have a mommy?
Varian Wrynn: You did, son. It's just that she was killed by a rock thrown by an unemployed stonemason. But don't worry, nothing like that will eeeeeeeeever happen to me.
Anduin: Oh, well then can you play with me?
Varian: Not now, son. I have to go attend a conference with Auntie Jaina on GOOD LORD I've been captured by unemployed stonemasons!
Bolvar Fordragon: Young Anduin, you are now King of Stormwind. However, I think it would be better if you just did everything I say without exception.
Anduin: Then why do we keep advisor Lady Prestor around? She has no useful political power and seems kinda creepy. Also, I just turned twelve.
Varian: I'm back now. We paid off the kidnappers with a huge pile of taxpayer money, which would have prevented the riots that killed your mother if I had done it in the first place.
Bolvar: Oh no! The king is doing whatever Lady Prestor says, without exception! That's evil, and possibly mind control! I would neeeeeeever use mind control, for any reason!
Lo'gosh: I am also back, and I am also somehow your father! Lady Prestor is actually a black dragon!
Varian: No way! I am King Varian, not you! Let's fight for no reason!
Anduin: Shouldn't you be fighting the dragon that's literally tearing apart the castle and setting the city on fire?
Both King Wrynns: Shut up, kid, we're too busy GOOD LORD the dragon has kidnapped our mutual son!
Anduin: Yeah, but it's ok, I almost escaped all by myse--
Varian: The dragon is dead, and we're fused back together now.
Anduin: Yay! Now, can you play with me?
Varian: Not now, son, I have to attend the Theramore Peace Summit, even though I hate the orcs.
Anduin: Sigh...the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon...
Varian: The Scourge are attacking the city! Quick, get to the top of this tower so the flying ones can see you better. And use your bow on them.
Anduin: I'm fairly sure a nonmagical kid-sized bow is nearly useless on skeletons and non-corporeal undead. Also I'm fourteen now.
Varian: The Scourge are gone now. Bolvar! In thanks for defending my people and my son while I was captured, you will go to Northrend and fight the Scourge, who can kill you AND curse your soul forever.
Anduin: Wait! Bolvar, don't go!
Bolvar: Don't worry, prince. What's the worst that could GOOD LORD I've been plague-gassed GOOD LORD AGAIN I've been breathed on by a dragon YET ANOTHER GOOD LORD now the Lich King is torturing me for weeks!
Varian: I'd love to do something about that, but I'm too busy watching this jousting tournament.
Bolvar: NOW I AM THE LICH KING. I WILL USE MIND CONTROL ON THE SCOURGE. ALSO, TELL ANDUIN I'M DEAD BECAUSE REASONS.
Anduin: It's time I thought about how I can help all the people of Azeroth. Dad, do you have any advi--
Varian: Rawr! Outbursts of Lo'gosh aggression and hatred of orcs, and suspicious ambivalence towards unemployed stonemasons and black dragons!
Lady Jaina Proudmoore: Listen, young man, I know what it's like to have a jerk father. Why don't you have this hearthstone, which is set to my living room? This is in no way creepy and has no traces of latent pedophilia, despite you being sixteen and me not having a boyfriend.
Anduin: Um...
Jaina: No, really, this isn't sarcasm. I really don't have a thing for you at all. The last time I dated a crown prince it went WAY south, and I'm not stupid.
The Dwarves of Ironforge: Your father asked us to teach you heavy weapons and armor training. Also, he called you a wuss.
Anduin: No thanks. I'll instead learn the ways of the Light and become a Holy-spec priest.
The Dwarves of Ironforge: That's stupid. Why would you GOOD LORD the Cataclysm is destroying our city! Many of us were crushed, lacking for heals and unable to flee due to the weight of our heavy armor and weapons!
King Magni Bronzebeard: I'm not! I'm being turned into a diamond statue for using ancient titan relics. Brann, I hope you're watching th...
Anduin: The Dark Iron Dwarves are attacking Ironforge! Lucky I kept this hearthstone! *BAMF*
Jaina: Oh, um, Anduin, hi, we were...um...
Baine Bloodhoof: Listen, kid, I swear, this isn't what it looks like.
Anduin: Hey I know you! Your father is like the King of the Tauren! We have so much in common!
Baine: What? No! My father's not a pompous, racist, overly-aggressive hatemonger. He's actually one of the most loved characters in all of Warcraft lore. Seriously, ask around. I would neeeeeeever follow someone like that, especially not if they killed my own father. Nope.
Anduin: Oh, well take this mace anyhow. It has great powers of the Light, including healing powers.
Baine: Thanks. Rather than remember this conversation when my father is poisoned and hacked apart, I'll use it to kill some level 6 quillboar then send it back.
Anduin: Oh, wait, Ironforge!
Jaina: Here, I'll open a portal. Just remember all we talked about, and don't let hatred cloud your judgement. I would neeeeeever do that.
Anduin: Dad, don't kill the Dark Iron Dwarves! It'll plunge the dwarves into a bloody civil war!
Varian: No. Welllll...ok.
Anduin: Wait, someone actually listened to me! This is great! Dad, let's hug!
Varian: Ok, but just this once.
Anduin: Hey, it's the prophet Velen, the most powerful priest on the planet! He can teach me to be the a great priest who can selflessly help everyone!
Varian: Velen? VELEN? Nobody would eeeeeeeever need him! I think that's such a bad idea I'm literally going to commit child abuse by grabbing your arm and hurting you. Then I'll insist instead you learn the ways of truth and goodness from Archbishop Benedictus.
Archbishop Benedictus: MWAHAHAHAHA! I'm totally not evil!
Anduin: I'm not doing that. I'm learning from Velen anyhow.
Human Refugees outside the Exodar: Despite having fled here of our own free will, and being fed and sheltered by the draenei, we resent you, Anduin, for leaving your people and working with a draenei! Also this city is poorly laid-out and confusing! Now we will riot for no reason!
Velen: Good thing I saw that coming. Guards! As a priest of the Light, I order you to slaughter these unarmed, unarmored peasants.
Anduin: No! Jeez! The hell is wrong with you? And if you could predict a riot, why didn't you predict the Cataclysm?
Velen: Actually I did. I just chose not to tell anyone, because I'm worried about the Burning Legion expansion pack, due to launch in 2016. Or early 2017.
Anduin: We could have prepared for both!
Velen: Oh, crap, you're right! Damn, I suck at this. Maybe you're better off with Benedictus.
Benedictus: Actually the next part got kind of re-written, so I'll just let these nameless assassins do their job while I leave the city, to be unmasked by Thrall instead.
Varian: Son, you saved my life from those assassins! I'll stop calling you such a spineless whiner behind your back.
Anduin: Great. Now that I'm eighteen, how about some manly father-son bonding? Maybe a hunt, or a diplomatic--
Varian: Not now, son! The Horde has destroyed Theramore! Quick, talk to Jaina!
Jaina: I'm not letting hatred cloud my judgement. I'm just leaving the Alliance and sulking.
Anduin: This can still be salvaged. Dad, why don't we go on a diplomatic mission and talk to the Horde leaders that aren't Garrosh Hellscream? They might band together on this one.
Varian: I have a better idea! I'm going to the battlefield, and leaving you to rule in my stead. You shall have the SI:7 code name "White Pawn" which is totally belittling and emasculating.
Anduin: Well, I still think a diplomatic mission could GOOD LORD I've been shipwrecked! And I'm being chased by monkeys! No wait, I've been captured by the Horde! But despite all this, I'm going to help the native people and follow my peaceful ways!
Sunwalker Dezco: Hey, Baine says hi. Also, could you ignore my screaming wife, who will literally die in childbirth because my healing skills aren't good enough without help, and instead attack the Sha of Despair with your "holy dps"?
Anduin: Well, I was working on an antidote to cure the locals and refugees of a nasty poison that could potentially kill them all, but I guess this might be important because the Sha are very dangerous.
Varian: I've finally come to see how the Alliance is doing, and I guess you as well. Now, let's build a big armed fortress and kick some green butt!
Anduin: No! The conflict will just create more death and summon the Sha!
Varian: Hmm. Well, talk to Jaina. She can be the tiebreaker.
Jaina: KILL THE HORDE! KILL THE HORDE! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Anduin: Gee, thanks a lot, Auntie. Fine, I'll find another way. Hey Pandarens, what's the best way to defeat the Sha?
The Monkey King: You can use this Harmonic Mallet to silence the Divine Bell. But despite the danger of the bell, and the fact that the Horde already has it, I'm only telling you where the three pieces of the mallet are if you solve my riddles. Because, you know, I'm a monkey.
Garrosh Mother-Freaking Hellscream: Too late, human! I'm going to ring this bell and make my people invincible!
Anduin: For crying out loud, dammit, EVERYONE, stop doing stupid violent self-destructive stuff! The Sha will just take over all your troops and turn them into monsters! You'll have to kill them!
Garrosh: Hah! No way will the Horde be so easily GOOD LORD all my troops have turned into monsters! I have to kill them!
Anduin: To prevent anyone else from making this mistake, I will purify the bell with the Harmonic Mallet! Hah! Then I'll just stand here, within...arm's reach of...a pissed-off Garrosh Hellscream. Well, crap.
Garrosh: If I can't play with it, NOBODY can! I'm breaking this bell over your head!
Anduin: Ow.
Garrosh: Despite you being Holy-spec, and me not seeing a Spirit Healer, I'm going to assume that I killed an innocent child and just walk away without looting your body for epics. Or, you know, honoring the fallen Horde soldiers. Or admitting I was wrong. Wow. At this point, even I am seeing what a big stupid jerkbag I am.
Varian: My son is nearly dead! I need a healer! Bolvar, get over...oh, right. Um, Benedictus, get...oh yeah, him too. Er...sigh. Velen! Save my boy!
Velen: Flash of Light! There there, lad. You'll have time to think about your heroic, selfless act that saved countless lives while you spend the next three months in a full-body cast.
Anduin: Dad *cough* this is...what hatred brings...don't let it...rule you.
Varian: Of course, son. Troops! We're no longer going to kill the Horde for what they did before!
Anduin: Oh, thank--
Varian: We're going to kill them for WHAT THEY DID TO MY BOY!
A Highly Suspicious Black Dragon: Yes, do what your King says! And get six thousand Valor while you're at it!
Anduin: Oh for the Light's sake *BAMF*
Jaina: ...And F#*($& YOU SUNREAVERS, and F#(*&$^% YOU HORDE PLAYERS, and DOUBLE F#(*&#$% YOU GARROSH HELLSCREAM! DALARAN DALARAN PURGE PURGE PURGE RAAAAAAAAH!
Anduin: Man, I need to reset this thing back to Stormwind.

[xskarma]

Varian: Of course, son. Troops! We're no longer going to kill the Horde for what they did before!
Anduin: Oh, thank--
Varian: We're going to kill them for WHAT THEY DID TO MY BOY!

This got the biggest chuckle out of me, out of the lot. Well done.

[JohnnyTheCherriesLover]

This is pretty cringeworthy.

[Selestarius]

Absolutely brilliant :P +1internetz to you!

[Sam the Wiser]

You lost me half way through.

[the0o]

Varian: My son is nearly dead! I need a healer! Bolvar, get over...oh, right. Um, Benedictus, get...oh yeah, him too. Er...sigh. Velen! Save my boy!
Velen: Flash of Light! .

For some reason i read velen's line in morgan freemans voice.....

[Trassk]

hehehe, this was a hoot ^^

[Dunker]

Every time "GOOD LORD" came up I heard it in a "MP: Search for the Holy Grail" voice.

It made the whole thing very funny for me.

[Arbs]

Lawl I love this

[Ethenil]

Very good ^^

except that actually Anduin is 14 in MoP, but anyway.

:P

[Deleted]

Very good ^^

except that actually Anduin is 14 in MoP, but anyway.

:P

This reminds me of Sherry Birkin being like 12 in RE2 but 2 1/2 feet tall.

First 4 lines of OP made me lose it completely, didn't read the whole thing, but yeah I was amused by what I did read.

[Okacz]

Anduin: Oh for the Light's sake *BAMF*
Jaina: ...And F#*($& YOU SUNREAVERS, and F#(*&$^% YOU HORDE PLAYERS, and DOUBLE F#(*&#$% YOU GARROSH HELLSCREAM! DALARAN DALARAN PURGE PURGE PURGE RAAAAAAAAH!
Anduin: Man, I need to reset this thing back to Stormwind.

Got me laughing there

[simland]

With the story being served slowly over a number gated quests and a series of kill "X". My ability to focus has prevented me from putting it all together. Thank you for doing that for me in a very cliff notes version.

Also, when does this critical hit happen to Anduin? Still further in the shieldwall line?

[Grumpy Old Man]

This is just priceless. Also well summed-up.
Reminds me of this: http://us.battle.net/wow/en/forum/topic/1021053771

Loved these parts:

Anduin: The Dark Iron Dwarves are attacking Ironforge! Lucky I kept this hearthstone! *BAMF*
Jaina: Oh, um, Anduin, hi, we were...um...
Baine Bloodhoof: Listen, kid, I swear, this isn't what it looks like.

Anduin: Oh, well take this mace anyhow. It has great powers of the Light, including healing powers.
Baine: Thanks. Rather than remember this conversation when my father is poisoned and hacked apart, I'll use it to kill some level 6 quillboar then send it back.

Human Refugees outside the Exodar: (...snip...) Also this city is poorly laid-out and confusing!

Sunwalker Dezco: Hey, Baine says hi. Also, could you ignore my screaming wife, who will literally die in childbirth because my healing skills aren't good enough without help (...snip)