Long term affairs

[Scyclone]

this sounds like cheating to me. both of them should be ashamed.

Man... this is a cold day in hell when Bread, Tennisrash and I find ourselves agreeing on the same thing.

As someone who has been cheated on in the worst of ways... yeah, delete these people. Seriously. There is a level of serious human depravity that allows someone to willingly betray a loved one like this.

It has little to do with the "time and era", it has a lot more to do with respect and morality. The fact that someone consciously makes this choice (assuming it isn't an open relationship... which is a stupidly greedy conception in and of itself...) is just disgusting. The woman isn't really to blame as she never made a commitment to this man's wife...

This husband on the other hand... well some people really shouldn't be allowed to find themselves in a position to love another human being. Disgusting.

[Kaganfindel]

Except then you don't call it an affair. You call it an open relationship. That's not what OP is talking about.

Again, the only indication we have that the relationship might be illicit is the article's title. The author/interviewee never mentions it in the body of the article. It's unsafe to assume more than what is written based on the title, because using a sensational title to get people to click on an uninteresting, insubstantial piece of web content is far simpler than keeping a stable, intimate romantic relationship secret from your wife for a decade.

The article is fluff. It's, "dear diary: I wonder what my next boyfriend will be like." Occam's razor dictates that we should assume a catchy title rather than a cheating husband.

[Sliske]

Again, the only indication we have that the relationship might be illicit is the article's title. The author/interviewee never mentions it in the body of the article. It's unsafe to assume more than what is written based on the title, because using a sensational title to get people to click on an uninteresting, insubstantial piece of web content is far simpler than keeping a stable, intimate romantic relationship secret from your wife for a decade.

The article is fluff. It's, "dear diary: I wonder what my next boyfriend will be like." Occam's razor dictates that we should assume a catchy title rather than a cheating husband.

Well to go deep into the speculation rabbit hole, why would she mention it?

She can have a long term affair for 10 years but still feels guilty about cheating? These people are either being deeply misrepresented by the article, or are the biggest pieces of shit imaginable.

[Pawstruck]

Careful, these forums are allergic to any morality besides utter nihilistic relativism. Daring to suggest that a moral code exists beyond "don't hurt anybody" makes you an intolerant bigot, as you've seen.

On topic: Marriage has only one definition, this is betrayal, and it makes me sick too. The sicker part is how so many here rush to justify it. Our society is a joke.

[zenkai]

What do you make of them? Do you know anyone in such an affair?

I was reading the Guardian and came across this. A 10 year affair? That's insane!
How do you even manage that over such a period while being married. The level of betrayal is hard to comprehend.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...l-do-when-ends

If you love your SO why would you cheat? Not only is it physically dangerous it's very highly likely you will be caught and ruin your reltionship. All you have to do is piss off the person you're cheating with and they got you by the balls.

If you don't love your SO, leave them, don't be a selfish asshole.

[Scyclone]

Careful, these forums are allergic to any morality besides utter nihilistic relativism. Daring to suggest that a moral code exists beyond "don't hurt anybody" makes you an intolerant bigot, as you've seen.

On topic: Marriage has only one definition, this is betrayal, and it makes me sick too. The sicker part is how so many here rush to justify it. Our society is a joke.

Sums up my thoughts on this pretty well too. But they are even raising hell over the "don't hurt anybody" context of a moral code. Hell in a handbasket, man :P

But yes, the people that rush to justify it are often people that would be willing to do it themselves to significant others. But yeah, you can't have an affair without some semblance of betrayal. Else it is an open relationship, which is still grudgingly quite scummy.

[haxartus]

Well to go deep into the speculation rabbit hole, why would she mention it?

She can have a long term affair for 10 years but still feels guilty about cheating? These people are either being deeply misrepresented by the article, or are the biggest pieces of shit imaginable.

Problem is, you don't offer any explanation why it's "betrayal". Most of the time the person that gets cheated on will feel betrayed and hurt, but they will feel that because the society has told them that they should feel like that, just like society has told them that a marriage is an exclusivity contract.
The problem, just as with all behavior that is auto-repeated due to tradition, is that is it correct ? What was the reason that was implemented in the first place ? How did the situation change ? Why do we tell people that they need to feel hurt from behavior that seems to be rather natural to humans, and why do they have to spend their lives in misery due to this ? Why do we need a 2000 year old moral code while the current reality has changed several times since then ? Why do we have to waste time and energy by creating imaginary restrictions, and then feel bad and depressed when people break them ? Can't this time and energy be invested in something more productive ?

[Scyclone]

Problem is, you don't offer any explanation why it's "betrayal". Most of the time the person that gets cheated on will feel betrayed and hurt, but they will feel that because the society has told them that they should feel like that, just like society has told them that a marriage is an exclusivity contract.
The problem, just as with all behavior that is auto-repeated due to tradition, is that is it correct ? What was the reason that was implemented in the first place ? How did the situation change ? Why do we tell people that they need to feel hurt from behavior that seems to be rather natural to humans, and why do they spend their lives in misery due to this ? Why do we need a 2000 year old moral code while the current reality has changed several times since then ?

Or perhaps, people just enjoy having a bonding relationship with a singular person, specifically because it has meaning and purpose to them. It has nothing to do with what "society has told them", they legitimately feel a heart break and a violation of their trust in someone if their one special person happens to just up and drop them.

Sorry, this is more than something auto-repeated in tradition... and it is far from 'spending lives in misery' because you shouldn't bang your secretary after you've gotten married.

If you hate actually having to commit to something, why don't we just ship you and everyone like minded off to an island. You guys can enjoy your orgies all you'd like. The rest of us prefer something meaningful.

[Sliske]

Problem is, you don't offer any explanation why it's "betrayal". Most of the time the person that gets cheated on will feel betrayed and hurt, but they will feel that because the society has told them that they should feel like that, just like society has told them that a marriage is an exclusivity contract.
The problem, just as with all behavior that is auto-repeated due to tradition, is that is it correct ? What was the reason that was implemented in the first place ? How did the situation change ? Why do we tell people that they need to feel hurt from behavior that seems to be rather natural to humans, and why do they have to spend their lives in misery due to this ? Why do we need a 2000 year old moral code while the current reality has changed several times since then ? Why do we have to waste time and energy by creating imaginary restrictions, and then feel bad and depressed when people break them ? Can't this time and energy be invested in something more productive ?

Marriage is an agreement - that you two are basically not allowed to be sexual with anyone else, at least in monogamous relationships.

I've no problem with open relationships because that is based on trust - trust that you both know what you want, and are fine with it. Likewise mongamous relationships are based on trust and cheating is a betrayal of that trust.

Is it a crime? No. Is it a douchebag move? Definitely.

How hard is it to just leave your current wife or gf if you are interested in someone else? Its basic respect. Do you have the bare minimum respect to not wipe your ass with your S/O?

Lets say its my gf. My GF and I have been together 8 years now. Lets say she loved someone else, or just wanted a different dick or multiple sex partners. If she broke up with me, i'd be gutted, but I would respect her decision. Its her life, her choice. She respected me enough to let me know that one sex partner is not enough, or that she is not interested in me anymore.

Now lets say she didn't do that, and instead just did it behind my back. Well right there thats taking your partner for granted, lying to them and giving them zero respect.

Relationships are built on respect. If you cannot treat your partner with respect, then just leave them.

but, with that said, there is no law against being a douchebag. Any more than theres a law against not holding the elevator for a running man, or saying "thanks" to the person that serves you. That doesn't make you a criminal, it just makes you a dickhead.

P.S. i'm not religious, i'm not married either. My GF and I kind of see big weddings as a waste of time. If we do get married we've both agreed it will be small and just for us, not for 100 or 200 guests. I'm coming at this question from the angle that long term relationships are just as loving and respect based as married couples. In fact i respect more people that are in long term relationships than people who get married to every 3 month GF they have. I always find it funny when all these priests have like 7 divorces under their belt.

TL;DR - find it in yourself to respect people that respect you.

[NED funded]

They Catholic countries have a tradition of mistresses, maybe not Ireland or Poland, but France, Italy Latin America, etc. In Mexico it's no unheard of for a man to have his legit family and then on the other side of town, his illegitimate family. Sometimes both families show up at the same funeral.

It still is frowned upon.

[haxartus]

Or perhaps, people just enjoy having a bonding relationship with a singular person, specifically because it has meaning and purpose to them.

How does cheating break that ? It doesn't.
The biological component to this is to ensure that the offspring has the "correct" parents, but this is no longer a problem due to contraceptives.
So, you are feeling hurt and betrayed because of:
1. An outdated moral code designed to solve a problem that no longer exists
2. An evolutionary protection mechanism that is also no longer necessary due to technological advancements.
I'm not advocating cheating if it hurts the other person, don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that it should be accepted as natural behavior and nobody should feel bad if they get cheated on. Please, don't create imaginary problems where there are more pressing matters that are being completely ignored. And, please, before you start "feeling angry and hurt" about something, think about it if it's really a problem or because someone somewhere told you that you should do that.

[Sliske]

How does cheating break that ? It doesn't.
The biological component to this is to ensure that the offspring has the "correct" parents, but this is no longer a problem due to contraceptives.
So, you are feeling hurt and betrayed because of:
1. An outdated moral code designed to solve a problem that no longer exists
2. An evolutionary protection mechanism that is also no longer necessary due to technological advancements.
I'm not advocating cheating if it hurts the other person, don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that it should be accepted as natural behavior and nobody should feel bad if they get cheated on. Please, don't create imaginary problems where there are more pressing matters that are being completely ignored. And, please, before you start "feeling angry and hurt" about something, think about it if it's really a problem or because someone somewhere told you that you should do that.

I don't understand your point.

There are multiple types of relationships. If you tell your partner you are monogamous then cheat on them, you are being a dick, no two ways about it.

Tell your partner you want an open relationship if you want one, or don't cheat its as simple as that.

Consent is pretty cool, yo.

[May90]

People really ought to be less concerned with what other people are doing with their relationships. "News" like this is nothing but drama fodder.

But how can we live without picking on each other for petty reasons? No, we must interfere into everyone's lives, so everyone knows their place! /s

[Mistame]

Consent is pretty cool, yo.

Not sure what this is in reference to but you don't need "permission" from your SO for anything other than sex with them. And while honesty is important, getting bent out of shape over sex is stupid. Besides, if your SO "cheats" that just means you get free reign to bang someone else. The emotional attachment people have to monogamy is irrational.

[nextormento]

Maybe it''s something that gets lost in translation but as a semi-francophone "affair" to me is just a different word for "relationship".

In French it means a whole lot of different things. From the object of one's interest, to generic matter (C'est mon affaire).
The loanword, in English, also has that component. It can be, like in French, an event, or circumstance, or matter, case, adventure, etc. (war is a particularly grisly affair).
When it comes to an amorous/sexual relationship it's often reduced in significance; as you know as a (semi-?)Dutch speaker.

[jackofwind]

Who says there is betrayal involved?

Some people are very open and accepting of these kind of open relationships.

If it's an open relationship it's not an affair. By definition an affair is cheating.

That being said, who cares? Let them do them.

[Scyclone]

I don't understand your point.

There are multiple types of relationships. If you tell your partner you are monogamous then cheat on them, you are being a dick, no two ways about it.

Tell your partner you want an open relationship if you want one, or don't cheat its as simple as that.

Consent is pretty cool, yo.

Basically this.

Honestly though, the social construct unraveling mentalists are among some of the most bottomfeeding cesspool that congregates the human race. The human being is a social creature, just because we are designed to be able to mate with multiple things, does not mean we should, or whether or not it is within the confines of our physical anatomy or wiring. All primates to various degrees have a pairing/bonding within their society, yes, that means that even the Gorilla in the zoo picks a mate.

The outdated moral code has nothing to do with ones own personal feelings of trust and betrayal. People are allowed to place value in things, that is part of what makes humans human. As for an 'evolutionary protection mechanism' is also a nonsense rhetoric just because we can abort children and use protection to prevent them. You are thinking far too scientific (which is weird that even I have to make this statement) and far too literal to assume that there is another side to it that is shaped and conditioned by the singular individual and varies on multiple levels and bandwidths. Some people feel that open relationships are fine, others do not. Societial moral codes play no part in that, humans are free to choose their views themselves. People choose to find value in relationships, and they choose to find companionship in a particular person of initial shared association. The 'feeling angry and hurt' is a human emotional response to that value being diminished, often as a result of unforeseen circumstances or what we consider to be betrayals.

Seriously dude... go find yourself someone to fall in love with, have them rip out your heart, and lets see if you can still spew this crap that you do. Then again... I have a secondary theory that would require more analysis, in that you've been torn to pieces so many times that you've become jaded, purely literal logic-focused (vulcan logic... rofl) and completely abandoned many of the traits that makes a human a human.

[Spiffums]

Unless the husband / wife approves of it or really likes the idea of their husband / wife having intercourse with others and encouraged it in the first place.

On the other hand his wife might not be into sex and is content that he comes home to her and gets his needs filled elsewhere. She might know but not let on because she benefits from it.

[Sliske]

Not sure what this is in reference to but you don't need "permission" from your SO for anything other than sex with them. And while honesty is important, getting bent out of shape over sex is stupid. Besides, if your SO "cheats" that just means you get free reign to bang someone else. The emotional attachment people have to monogamy is irrational.

Not everyone is interested in fucking for the sake of fucking. I'm interested in the person, not the vagina.

Consent in this use is its other use 'agreement'

I agree with my GF that we'll be monogamous. We're both cool with it, in fact, we're both jealous people, so it fits perfectly FOR US.

What seems to be going on in this thread is that people aren't happy with other peoples consensual agreements. In other words, they not only want to control their life, but yours too.

I don't care what your agreement with your wife or husband or gf or bf is. Its all cool with me, agreeing to things and then respecting your partner enough to not break it, is cool with me, whatever the agreement is.

The thing that annoys me is how easy it is to not wipe your ass with your partner. Lets say I wanted someone else, all i'd have to do is say "i'm leaving you" to my GF. She'd hate it, of course, but at least I hate the respect to tell her. To tell her not to waste her time with me anymore, that i'm not interested and that i'm leaving.

again - TL;DR, show your fucking partner some respect

[dextersmith]

If someone is married and they're having an affair, it means they're cheating on their husband/wife.

You hold your ignorance with such conviction!