Originally Posted by
Claymore
I think this is a surprisingly insightful, well-written post.
In truth, I've struggled with similar issues, although I personally have no excuse. I've just always been hugely self-conscious; I'm a ginger, in a family of mostly dark-skinned Native Americans, all of whom teased me and often beat me from childhood through my teenage years, and put be down well well into my 20's before I finally cut them off.
I basically had so many insecurities -- coupled with a pretty nasty temper where I kept my emotions bottled-up -- I never even had a SHOT of being with a girl. But I always blamed it on that "it's because I'm ugly, just like they always said, I'm completely worthless". I basically saw real results -- that girls didn't like me -- and assigned blame to perhaps the wrong reason -- that it was because I was pale with red hair (don't get me wrong, I *do* think male redheads are fighting an uphill battle when trying to be attractive, but the MAIN reason I was alone was because of my own insecurities overshadowing any positive qualities I may have had).
In my early 20's, I was 100% the stereotypical "incel". I was bitter, self-hating, but also hateful. Seeing people "being happy" honestly bothered me, because I would always think "I want that. Why do they get to be happy, but not me?". And really, you could probably do a whole discussion, trying to break down exactly how many ways my line of thinking was messed up.
So eventually, I started to think "Well, I'm clearly not going to win a woman over on my own merits, so I'll at least try to get my shit together and make money". And make no mistake, I've worked hard, and despite a lot of setbacks, I've achieved some measure of success. But to no one's surprised, my standing with women hasn't improved.
I've always kind of known, but only more recently acknowledged the truth, that I just have way too many personal hang-ups to deal with. Really, I think people can pick up on that stuff, somehow. And it's nobody's responsibility to "fix me", it's up to me to work on dealing with my own problems, to make myself into a desirable kind of guy. But there are definitely days, too, where I think "Man, it sure would be nice to not be alone, and maybe have someone in my corner, rooting for me or encouraging me".
I suppose I'll say, I'm definitely finding the culture -- at least where *I* live (around DC) -- isn't terribly conducive to "fixing yourself". People seem to treat each other as being completely disposable (which I suppose is somewhat true), and it seems like basic courtesy is becoming a rarity (ie. I was suppose to meet a woman for drinks last week, she texts me to tell me she doesn't feel like going out, 30 minutes *AFTER* we were supposed to meet). I wouldn't say that's anything against women specifically, so much as part of me is like "Man, people in general just really suck".
Anyways... that's where I'm at, right now. Not even going to pretend I've got any of this shit figured out. Just trying to find my own place in the world. For reference, I'm 31, which isn't *that* old, but I honestly *feel* old sometimes.