Hey everyone.
I'm in my early 20s. Last month, my best friend (since third grade) passed away unexpectedly in his sleep. We don't know why yet - toxicology reports should be coming in soon - but since it has happened I feel like I'm to blame.
My bestfriend, since high school, was always into socially doing drugs and drinking. He never did things like meth or crack, but did smoke marijuana regularly, did cocaine socially, and occasionally painkillers. He also had a drinking problem when we were around 18/19 and had to go to rehab twice. Around age 21 he finally seemed to calm down and only socially drank and smoked weed. I've rarely done drugs, I've tried weed a few times and did adderall a few times in college, but other than that those things aren't for me. My friend and I rarely discussed drugs and he would never try to influence me or pressure me into trying them, he knew I didn't really like them.
He lives one block away from me so a majority of our time together was spent going to the gym, playing video games, and playing catch in the neighborhood. We see each other maybe once every other week because of our schedules.
Fast forward to last month. New Years Eve was the last time I saw him. I was having a small party at my house with close friends and family and he was invited, but he was with his girlfriend and they were spending it alone together. He decided to surprise me and showed up around 11:30p. At this point everyone was drunk and having a good time. He tells me he has coke and asks if I want some. I say no thanks and he goes off and does it by himself in the bathroom. Night ends and everything is great.
2 weeks later, on a monday, I'm at work and I drink a bunch of coffee (I'm not a coffee drinker but I was very tired that day). I feel euphoric and energetic from the caffeine and it reminds me of adderall, so I text my bestfriend something along the lines of "had a bunch of coffee, feels like im on adderall or coke or something". He replies "Lol, I can get 2gs tonight". Remember we do not talk about drugs at all, especially over text. I reply with something like "i'd rather adderall than that" not thinking much of it. He replies "I don't even know where to get adderall". I stop replying because I get busy. The next morning, he is found dead in his room.
Everyone is shocked, as he was a very fit and healthy young man. The autopsy reveals nothing, his organs were all good. At some point, I figured his family went through his phone with his girlfriend to try to figure out why. A week later at the viewing, everyone is grieving and doing typical things you do at a viewing. As I leave the viewing, a cousin approaches me and says something like "You know, you were in contact with (his name) the day before he died". I said "yeah?", to which he says "what you two talked about was shady. The whole family has seen the messages". I try to explain to him that it's a horrible coincidence that we happened to talk about that the day before he passed. That I didn't do drugs with him. That I didn't encourage him or tell him to buy coke for us or something. And to look at all of our other messages together just to show that we mainly just schedule gym time together. He just kinda nods, I get the feeling that he thinks im bullshitting, and then says again "well, the whole family saw the messages, just so you know" and walks off.
Since then, I have trouble sleeping every night. I feel like this was extremely accusatory and it's my fault that he bought drugs (IF he even did pass away from cocaine that was laced with fentanyl or something). On top of the grief of losing my bestfriend I just don't know what to do. None of his other family members nor have his parents asked me anything about this. And if they do, I don't even know what to say because the texts look much worse than they seem.
I was wondering if you guys had any advice.
Mod Edit: This thread is closed.