1. #1

    Feeling extreme guilt after my bestfriend passed away.

    Hey everyone.

    I'm in my early 20s. Last month, my best friend (since third grade) passed away unexpectedly in his sleep. We don't know why yet - toxicology reports should be coming in soon - but since it has happened I feel like I'm to blame.

    My bestfriend, since high school, was always into socially doing drugs and drinking. He never did things like meth or crack, but did smoke marijuana regularly, did cocaine socially, and occasionally painkillers. He also had a drinking problem when we were around 18/19 and had to go to rehab twice. Around age 21 he finally seemed to calm down and only socially drank and smoked weed. I've rarely done drugs, I've tried weed a few times and did adderall a few times in college, but other than that those things aren't for me. My friend and I rarely discussed drugs and he would never try to influence me or pressure me into trying them, he knew I didn't really like them.

    He lives one block away from me so a majority of our time together was spent going to the gym, playing video games, and playing catch in the neighborhood. We see each other maybe once every other week because of our schedules.

    Fast forward to last month. New Years Eve was the last time I saw him. I was having a small party at my house with close friends and family and he was invited, but he was with his girlfriend and they were spending it alone together. He decided to surprise me and showed up around 11:30p. At this point everyone was drunk and having a good time. He tells me he has coke and asks if I want some. I say no thanks and he goes off and does it by himself in the bathroom. Night ends and everything is great.

    2 weeks later, on a monday, I'm at work and I drink a bunch of coffee (I'm not a coffee drinker but I was very tired that day). I feel euphoric and energetic from the caffeine and it reminds me of adderall, so I text my bestfriend something along the lines of "had a bunch of coffee, feels like im on adderall or coke or something". He replies "Lol, I can get 2gs tonight". Remember we do not talk about drugs at all, especially over text. I reply with something like "i'd rather adderall than that" not thinking much of it. He replies "I don't even know where to get adderall". I stop replying because I get busy. The next morning, he is found dead in his room.

    Everyone is shocked, as he was a very fit and healthy young man. The autopsy reveals nothing, his organs were all good. At some point, I figured his family went through his phone with his girlfriend to try to figure out why. A week later at the viewing, everyone is grieving and doing typical things you do at a viewing. As I leave the viewing, a cousin approaches me and says something like "You know, you were in contact with (his name) the day before he died". I said "yeah?", to which he says "what you two talked about was shady. The whole family has seen the messages". I try to explain to him that it's a horrible coincidence that we happened to talk about that the day before he passed. That I didn't do drugs with him. That I didn't encourage him or tell him to buy coke for us or something. And to look at all of our other messages together just to show that we mainly just schedule gym time together. He just kinda nods, I get the feeling that he thinks im bullshitting, and then says again "well, the whole family saw the messages, just so you know" and walks off.

    Since then, I have trouble sleeping every night. I feel like this was extremely accusatory and it's my fault that he bought drugs (IF he even did pass away from cocaine that was laced with fentanyl or something). On top of the grief of losing my bestfriend I just don't know what to do. None of his other family members nor have his parents asked me anything about this. And if they do, I don't even know what to say because the texts look much worse than they seem.

    I was wondering if you guys had any advice.

    Mod Edit: This thread is closed.
    Last edited by Rozz; Yesterday at 04:36 PM.

  2. #2
    Feel bad for you...but this isn't the place to ask for this kind of advice.

  3. #3
    What's to feel guilty there. The fool had it coming with or without your assistance. His decisions should not be your consequences.

    If you really want to do something - assist some organization that educates the upcoming fools on not wasting their lives on various substances.

  4. #4
    So he was doing drugs for years, drinking and basically had unhealthy lifestyle and choices and after all that abuse when his body gave up you blame yourself?

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by markos82 View Post
    So he was doing drugs for years, drinking and basically had unhealthy lifestyle and choices and after all that abuse when his body gave up you blame yourself?
    Because I happened to text him about a drug that may have triggered his mind to go and buy more that evening. Like what if I never texted him that monday? He would probably still be here today. Of course, this is assuming he did die from overdose or something. We don't have those results yet. If we get them, and it turns out he did die from cocaine, I am going to feel 10000x worse.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Nevertrap View Post
    Because I happened to text him about a drug that may have triggered his mind to go and buy more that evening. Like what if I never texted him that monday? He would probably still be here today. Of course, this is assuming he did die from overdose or something. We don't have those results yet. If we get them, and it turns out he did die from cocaine, I am going to feel 10000x worse.
    He was a drug addict and an alcoholic. It was bound to happen. You simply can't help some people, he was an adult, not a child, you can't blame yourself for his mistakes

  7. #7
    Merely a Setback Queen of Hamsters's Avatar
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    I'm afraid you won't get much sympathy nor good advice on these forums.

    Your friend's family are in the process of grief, part of that process is to place blame. If you truly had no hand in your friend's substance abuse, then you've got nothing to be worried about. And no, it's not your fault what he chose to do with his body. I'm extremely compassionate towards addicts, since I come from a household with 2 of them, but even I am aware that choice is involved and the people most likely to absorb the blame, are usually the ones least responsible.
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  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by markos82 View Post
    He was a drug addict and an alcoholic. It was bound to happen. You simply can't help some people, he was an adult, not a child, you can't blame yourself for his mistakes
    This is true. He wasn't perfect but he was a perfect friend. It pains me to be around his family and I have been nervous about visiting his house since then because I feel like in the back of his family's mind, they think I am responsible. But I am not sure. I am sure they are going to ask me about it.

  9. #9
    Immortal Templar 331's Avatar
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    Say no to drugs?

  10. #10
    Legendary! TEHPALLYTANK's Avatar
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    I suggest finding decent therapist or counselor, cause it really sounds like you might need to talk someone about it. A lot of it just sounds like typical grieving, but even that isn't something I would advise anyone to deal with all on your own.

    My condolences for your loss.
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  11. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Nevertrap View Post
    Because I happened to text him about a drug that may have triggered his mind to go and buy more that evening. Like what if I never texted him that monday? He would probably still be here today. Of course, this is assuming he did die from overdose or something. We don't have those results yet. If we get them, and it turns out he did die from cocaine, I am going to feel 10000x worse.
    He would have died from some other drug overdose anyway. Not your fault. It sounds like he would have done the drug with or without you and he seeked it out himself. Tell his parents to go fuck themselves if they blame you (in a polite way).
    Last edited by GreenJesus; 2020-02-15 at 03:22 AM.

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Queen of Hamsters View Post
    I'm afraid you won't get much sympathy nor good advice on these forums.

    Your friend's family are in the process of grief, part of that process is to place blame. If you truly had no hand in your friend's substance abuse, then you've got nothing to be worried about. And no, it's not your fault what he chose to do with his body. I'm extremely compassionate towards addicts, since I come from a household with 2 of them, but even I am aware that choice is involved and the people most likely to absorb the blame, are usually the ones least responsible.
    I agree with this. OP don't let your friend's family try to guilt trip you. I also suggest talking to someone you trust. Or maybe just talk to his family and tell them how you feel.
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    Ah come on Granyala, there's several possible reasons for it. A few that would get us banned here like pointing out a deficite in his mental capacity.
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    Man I swear, every time someone uses the term 'Critical Thinking' I want to pop em in the mouth.

  13. #13
    Face it OP you killed him, its probably only a matter of time before you kill again. I hope you are stopped.
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  14. #14
    I get you're maybe in shock but it's pretty arrogant to think you had any bearing on this. But you're gonna feel like shit for a while anyway.
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    Damnit hubcap, you are such a retard.
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    Oh, and stop being a "didn't do that in vanilla"-police. If we're doing something now that we didnt do back then, it's not because we had some sorta unwritten moral code back then, it's because we hadn't thought of it yet.

  15. #15
    Hi OP.

    Sorry to hear about your friend. I'll share something that I thought was relevant. My dad was a relatively high functioning alcoholic for pretty much his whole adult life. Occasionally he'd get out of control with it, but mostly he was just like a 'slow burn' constant drinker.

    Well, later in life, his pace of drinking accelerated, and he wound up in the hospital, being treated for like, sustained alcohol toxicity. He got his act together and decided to abstain from alcohol, and really did well for quite a while, and his like, normal demeanor and things like that was a lot better. However, a bunch of months later, football season rolls around, and we're all going together to a game with some of his friends/former coworkers (since he was retired). There's a bunch of traditions, and a number of them involve drinking, like bloody marys on the trip in, and shots for touchdowns smuggled in a bag of peanuts and stuff like that. He told me he decided that he was going to drink again for the game, but it was JUST for the game, and that type of 'selective control' would be even better mastery of his alcoholism. I really felt wary about this. I thought it was a really, really bad idea. I thought about refusing to go unless he wouldn't drink. I didn't, though. I went along with it, and encouraged him to be really careful with keeping things under control.

    He went back to drinking in general almost immediately after, and while this was early fall, by the following spring, he was drinking very, very heavily, and fried his liver and kidneys, and after a month in the hospital, he died from their failure.

    I felt terribly guilty about letting him drink at that game. I still feel really guilty about it. I probably will feel guilty about it forever. I'm not sure whether it's the right thing to feel this way about it, and I'm not sure if it's healthy for you to feel guilty about losing your best friend to any degree. I just thought that it might help to know that you're not alone with things like that, and other people have felt the same thing, and still do.

  16. #16
    First, I’m sorry about your friend. Second, you were not responsible for his actions - they were his own. Third, his family is grieving and that often times can mean they’re looking for a reason why and for someone/something to blame.

    Hold no guilt.
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  17. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by jonnysensible View Post
    Face it OP you killed him, its probably only a matter of time before you kill again. I hope you are stopped.
    WTF is wrong with you troll

  18. #18
    Moderator Rozz's Avatar
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    I deeply apologize for what you went through, but this is not the appropriate place for posts of this manner. I hope you find the help you need to reach closure.
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