1. #1

    Am I a good writer? Been writing a book about WoW

    Title is Dawn of the Ashbringer



    The wings never moved. The swollen murderous claws glistened black above the ashes: it was a monstrosity incarnate. Gliding slow as death it grinned, and one thousand huge teeth bloomed like fire from darkness.

    Eyes the size of a child's head. Red as a sea of blood, unblinking. Unblinking. In those eyes you saw everything - life, death, nothingness. Eyes like a red moon ripe before the harvest.

    Few words could the describe the demon. For what is more facile than Death? Death consumes, death devours. It delights in the souls of children. A million souls, maybe more. From beyond time and beyond the stars the demon came, for it was ageless.

    Souls. It hungered for them. This planet would provide untold numbers.

    Ten feet of pure evil fell upon the ground and instantly within a radius all forest life died. The powerful legs flexed as the soil burned beneath them. The shadowy wings folded above the hulking mass of terror. Hell itself had come to Azeroth.

    Kor'vazz was it's name, though it's true name was unknown to mortal ears. The language of the Legion was esoteric as it was obscure. "Souls," it grinned again.

    "Kor'vazz." Came the reply. Before the demon stood a Lieutenant of the Burning Legion. Though smaller in stature than the giant, Gor'tal still had considerable mass. A knot of twisted gore protruded from his spine; he gripped a gnarled codex tightly.

    "They flee before us, Kor'vazz. Like rats, like rats from a burning wood. Can you believe - and the children...the...the children..."

    The air deadened as if molded into lead. The leafy scrub around the demons prostrated into a trance. The larger of the two elevated his massive head as if to act upon a sudden urgency. The reply was like a writhing serpent springing out of his throat. Spliced. Disturbing. "And of the children?"

    Gor'tal shook his head. A smile played upon his green flesh as a strange rattle filled the edges of the wind. The Lieutenant stiffened as his chuckle, his rasp echoed into the vale.

    "They are...pure, your grace."

    With the measured tick of a killer cobra the eyes of Kor'vazz went blank. The silence of the trees was so suffocating that the leaves themselves stood hairlike in a vise grip. Those eyes. They penetrated you, punctured your soul. Eyes the size of a child's head. Eyes like nothing you've ever seen.

    The suppression of sound amongst the demons climaxed. Nothing moved, nothing stirred. The shadow of death had been cast. The scorched trees, the dead fauna. The bubbling earth. And yet, something somehow arose out of the deafness, slowly, then as evenly as an arrow loosed into oblivion. In a great avalanche of necrosis the head tilted upwards. A bird fell dead at his feet.The pale skin across his face split into a vulture-like smile. Kor'vazz gurgled. Licked his lips.

    "Bring me."



    ----------


    A child of Elven origin. Luminous and slender, her violet skin was ripe with youth. She cried with burning lungs as the demons took her from her home. Her parents were dead. A pile of ashes remained.

    Gor'tal hunched his spine, flaying the air with an arm. He cackled. Blood and viscera sprayed from the mound of gore on his back, slashing the ground with a tepid hiss.

    "The purity," he croaked, "is beyond any planet we have encountered, your grace. These beings are ripe with magic!" With reverence he opened his bound pages to the parchment near the end. His long fingers danced like a huge spider weaving a web. "Argus be damned!"

    Kor'vazz stood motionless, a horrific bird of prey. His back was turned and the earth cauterized around his hooves. The great wings were folded; the giant claws lifeless, still as a river swollen with corpses.

    "Bring the child to me." His deep voice hummed strangely, ponderously. A black cloth concealed the terrible eyes from view.

    The lesser scouting demons, smaller in stature than both Kor'vazz and Gor'tal, cackled in a hellish display of malevolence. The biggest of them started forward with the girl. With heaving cries she stumbled, dress torn and ankles bloodied. In an iron grip the demon burned the skin from her wrists.

    "Slowly. Carefully."

    The girl was stopped before the beast. In all of creation none so terrible as he existed. The portents of hell itself had brought him upon this planet. And so the predator turned to the prey.

    Beyond language Kor'thazz withdrew a small object, a gilded crystal marked with symbols. In his swollen hands he held it to his head. The demon turned around.

    I read your thoughts. The demon spoke telepathically.

    Under the veil Kor'thazz sensed the soul of the child. It was bright, yellow and orblike. A fey whisper on the winds. A pure soul.

    Where are your parents? Kor'thazz inquired in her mind.

    The girl shrieked louder and the demon holding her worked his mouth. A nightmare of teeth and tongue escaped for an instant as he grinned.

    Blood began to run from her eyes. The very presence of the demon Lord started to burn the insides of the elf. With heaving sobs she clutched her stomach with a free hand. Yet with a resilience that surprised even Kor'thazz she stared at his veil, her reddened eyes mad with agony, broken from sorrow.

    With Elune, her mind screamed. They are with Elune now.

    An eternity of seconds passed.

    Under the veil his eyes opened, and he removed the cloth from his face.

    No, child. They are with me now.

    Upon seeing the Demon her eyes froze. In a mist of red they exploded, and her screams rang out louder and louder until her lungs burst.

    He had transformed. In his eyes were the faces of her parents, ghost-like and wavering. Help, they cried. Help us. The red orbs burned through the child as she violently jerked her head back and forth. The only sound was a rasping howl.

    Join them, Kor'thazz whispered.

    He opened his mouth.

    The voices of a thousand, a million children rang out from the depths. Save us, they screamed. Save us.

    Forever they cried, forever lost within the terror. And then the darkness consumed her.
    Last edited by Gilmourwow; 2020-02-26 at 09:52 AM.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Gilmourwow View Post
    Eyes like nothing you ever saw
    no you are not a great writer. But it's good that you try and put it out there. Do not be afraid of doing it again. Honestly, it is hard to write, especially when you are a passionate fan. But I would encourage you to write about something that isn't related to an existing universe. And I would stay away from these kind of descriptions. Don't force it, just describe the way you would do naturally.

  3. #3
    Try reading it out loud to someone or have them read it to you.

    About one page of text, here is my two cents worth:
    Very descriptive, and much too much so.
    Consistent meanings. Several places where something seems to be defined as two opposite things. If something is black, it can't bloom like fire. Also, does it have ten feet?
    Would they really use human sayings? (In Larry Niven's Ringworld, he explains that "TANJ" means "There Ain't No Justice" and has become a swearword.

    Show, don't tell.

    I would also suggest that you not put it in the Warcraft universe as there could be copyright issues. If your goal is fanficton then copyright won't necessarily matter.

    Hope this helps.

  4. #4
    You would think a good writer would start by picking something worth writing about.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by huddling View Post
    You would think a good writer would start by picking something worth writing about.
    Are you...are you serious?

    What's worth writing about?

    What's worth painting about?

    What's worth living about?

    Anything you want

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Paperfox View Post
    Try reading it out loud to someone or have them read it to you.

    About one page of text, here is my two cents worth:
    Very descriptive, and much too much so.
    Consistent meanings. Several places where something seems to be defined as two opposite things. If something is black, it can't bloom like fire. Also, does it have ten feet?
    Would they really use human sayings? (In Larry Niven's Ringworld, he explains that "TANJ" means "There Ain't No Justice" and has become a swearword.

    Show, don't tell.

    I would also suggest that you not put it in the Warcraft universe as there could be copyright issues. If your goal is fanficton then copyright won't necessarily matter.

    Hope this helps.
    Thank you so much

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Skildar View Post
    no you are not a great writer. But it's good that you try and put it out there. Do not be afraid of doing it again. Honestly, it is hard to write, especially when you are a passionate fan. But I would encourage you to write about something that isn't related to an existing universe. And I would stay away from these kind of descriptions. Don't force it, just describe the way you would do naturally.
    Thank you!!!

  6. #6
    I have a degree in writing (complete waste of time, don't do it) and teach it for a living. Yes I made this account to respond because I can't resist helping budding writers.

    The bad news: no, you're not good *yet*.

    The good: you are leagues ahead of the calibre I usually see (no grammar/punctuation). In fact, some your prose shows real promise.

    So here's the best advice. 'Show don't tell' has already been mentioned - practice this technique as much as you can.

    But above all, SIMPLIFY. One of the many failings of our education system is that children are taught that big word = good writing. Your prose is far too purple. 'Measured profundity' is a nonsense phrase. You need to strip back your prose to the basics and every now and then hit us with a well-placed metaphor. Good prose is like walking on velvet and occasionally coming across a scattering of diamonds. Walking on diamonds the whole way will tear your feet up.

    Get rid of all those big bullshit words. Simplify. Here's an excerpt from Lord of the Rings:

    Pippin looked out from the shelter of Gandalf’s cloak. He wondered if he was awake or still sleeping, still in the swift-moving dream in which he had been wrapped so long since the great ride began. The dark world was rushing by and the wind sang loudly in his ears. He could see nothing but the wheeling stars, and away to his right vast shadows against the sky where the mountains of the South marched past. Sleepily he tried to reckon the times and stages of their journey, but his memory was drowsy and uncertain.

    Tolkien was a language professor and knew more words than you or I will ever know in our lifetime - but look at the choices he made. Are there any needlessly complex words? You do this yourself: 'A knot of twisted gore protruded from his spine.' Beautiful! Simple, evocative, and unpretentious. Conversely, at one point you say 'extremities' instead of 'hands'. This is Shift-F7ism at its worst. You don't get points for bigger words. Just say hands.


    I believe you can easily improve - just scale back that prose and drop the pretentious word choices.
    Furthermore, free yourself from fanfiction. It is a waste of time and no, it isn't good practice, no matter what people tell you. Instead, make yourself a WoW-like world - take the ideas and you like, but drop the crap you don't like. This is pretty much how every fantasy written since Tolkien's day has worked.
    Last edited by Iheartnathanos; 2020-02-24 at 12:58 AM.

  7. #7
    Welp here's some shitty feedback then,

    This is way too over-poetically written for me and I was disinterested within a few lines.

    I always did like the WoW short stories though, so it's not anything against the subject material. Maybe reading some of them could give you some ideas on how to improve your attention-grabber in particular. A good start is one of the most important parts, because without that you wind up with someone like me growing disinterested and not finishing.

    https://worldofwarcraft.com/en-us/st...=short-stories

    Some of my personal favorites are A Good War, Elegy, Trial of Red Blossoms, Strength of Steel, The Blank Scroll, Jade Hunters, and Quest for Pandaria.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Iheartnathanos View Post
    You need to strip back your prose to the basics and every now and then hit us with a well-placed metaphor. Good prose is like walking on velvet and occasionally coming across a scattering of diamonds. Walking on diamonds the whole way will tear your feet up.
    Listen to this one. That self-demonstrating line was just brilliant.

  8. #8
    Mechagnome Smallfruitbat's Avatar
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    Good on you for putting your work out there! I enjoyed it, all though it was a little too descriptive for such a short excerpt. @Iheartnathanos has some good advice, definitely worth reading their post and committing it to memory.

    Keep writing, personally I started writing about WoW and then used that as a base to spring board into my own project. I've found the more you practice the sharper you get.

  9. #9
    As the folks above said, great job putting it out there, it is a huge step forward and I know many people who never end up doing it. I don't know the scope of this story but it feels like a long ride (you say book). I would advise you to try and write short stories. I don't write much fiction anymore but when I am currently writing, the majority of the work is editing. If you work on short stories, you can get to the point of editing much quicker. You can start ask yourself "What is the purpose of this line/paragraph?".

    For example; who is the narrator here? Your opening gives an impression of an omniscient narrator but later on you write "Those eyes. They penetrated you, punctured your soul. Eyes the size of a child's head. Eyes like nothing you've ever seen." The narrator is now emotionally invested in the story. It sounds like a description made by a character who are trying to pay attention to what the demons are saying but end up getting distracted by how unsettling they look.

    When you start asking these types of questions repeatedly, you will notice when the description becomes tedious. I have a horrible habit of writing what I find interesting myself in great detail and skipping the actually important parts. This is super obvious even to me after I let it settle for a week and start editing.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kralljin
    They use Red Dragon Wings for their Windmill. So they aren't really redeemed.
    Quote Originally Posted by Adagietto
    In their defense... That windmill is pretty bitchin.

  10. #10
    Thanks for the feedback!!!

  11. #11
    You aren't good but I salute your effort and the courage to post this stuff here. That's more than I have ever managed to do

    I recommend posting this on some (fan)fiction site and asking for readers to help you - those kinds of sites have more people will have the patience and the skills to help you improve.

    But the main thing is, keep writing. Don't stop. No matter what the feedback.

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Teflon View Post
    You aren't good but I salute your effort and the courage to post this stuff here. That's more than I have ever managed to do

    I recommend posting this on some (fan)fiction site and asking for readers to help you - those kinds of sites have more people will have the patience and the skills to help you improve.

    But the main thing is, keep writing. Don't stop. No matter what the feedback.
    Thank you!!!

  13. #13
    Want, need, obstacle, action. If you want to write anything, make sure it possesses those elements or you have a dead story in your hands, no matter how beautifully written, how artistic and poetic you can be with the language, most people can't relate to a story unless it has the fundamental human elements they themselves can relate to, whether it's a mystery or fantasy.

    Everything else is fluff. Make your reader care about your characters first and foremost, and then put them through the ringer, realistically.

    Someone wants something, they need it, and if they don't get it, something horrible is going to happen. You got a hook. From there, world build, and introduce your supporting characters.

    I also wouldn't bother writing for something I don't own because you're not likely to get any kind of gratification since your work boils down to fan fiction. Create your own stories which you can own. If you have fun and you're good, in the end, you own it, and can make money off of it. Anyone who's serious about writing and loves it should want to get paid for their hard work. There's no better gratification. Only true way to gauge audience interest and retention is by getting paid.

  14. #14
    Herald of the Titans
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    Yeah it takes balls to do what you’ve done. I personally enjoyed it but yeah the more you write the better you’ll get. Listen to feedback, both bad and good

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Kyphael View Post
    Want, need, obstacle, action. If you want to write anything, make sure it possesses those elements or you have a dead story in your hands, no matter how beautifully written, how artistic and poetic you can be with the language, most people can't relate to a story unless it has the fundamental human elements they themselves can relate to, whether it's a mystery or fantasy.

    Everything else is fluff. Make your reader care about your characters first and foremost, and then put them through the ringer, realistically.

    Someone wants something, they need it, and if they don't get it, something horrible is going to happen. You got a hook. From there, world build, and introduce your supporting characters.

    I also wouldn't bother writing for something I don't own because you're not likely to get any kind of gratification since your work boils down to fan fiction. Create your own stories which you can own. If you have fun and you're good, in the end, you own it, and can make money off of it. Anyone who's serious about writing and loves it should want to get paid for their hard work. There's no better gratification. Only true way to gauge audience interest and retention is by getting paid.
    Epic advice right here

  16. #16
    Stood in the Fire
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iheartnathanos View Post
    I have a degree in writing (complete waste of time, don't do it) and teach it for a living. Yes I made this account to respond because I can't resist helping budding writers.

    The bad news: no, you're not good *yet*.

    The good: you are leagues ahead of the calibre I usually see (no grammar/punctuation). In fact, some your prose shows real promise.

    So here's the best advice. 'Show don't tell' has already been mentioned - practice this technique as much as you can.

    But above all, SIMPLIFY. One of the many failings of our education system is that children are taught that big word = good writing. Your prose is far too purple. 'Measured profundity' is a nonsense phrase. You need to strip back your prose to the basics and every now and then hit us with a well-placed metaphor. Good prose is like walking on velvet and occasionally coming across a scattering of diamonds. Walking on diamonds the whole way will tear your feet up.

    Get rid of all those big bullshit words. Simplify. Here's an excerpt from Lord of the Rings:

    Pippin looked out from the shelter of Gandalf’s cloak. He wondered if he was awake or still sleeping, still in the swift-moving dream in which he had been wrapped so long since the great ride began. The dark world was rushing by and the wind sang loudly in his ears. He could see nothing but the wheeling stars, and away to his right vast shadows against the sky where the mountains of the South marched past. Sleepily he tried to reckon the times and stages of their journey, but his memory was drowsy and uncertain.

    Tolkien was a language professor and knew more words than you or I will ever know in our lifetime - but look at the choices he made. Are there any needlessly complex words? You do this yourself: 'A knot of twisted gore protruded from his spine.' Beautiful! Simple, evocative, and unpretentious. Conversely, at one point you say 'extremities' instead of 'hands'. This is Shift-F7ism at its worst. You don't get points for bigger words. Just say hands.


    I believe you can easily improve - just scale back that prose and drop the pretentious word choices.
    Furthermore, free yourself from fanfiction. It is a waste of time and no, it isn't good practice, no matter what people tell you. Instead, make yourself a WoW-like world - take the ideas and you like, but drop the crap you don't like. This is pretty much how every fantasy written since Tolkien's day has worked.
    I don't really have much advice to add after this epic piece, so just quoting it for the truth.
    I also just wanted to say good on you for putting your work out, it was a good piece! Thanks for the read! Keep on writing!

  17. #17
    I am Murloc! Dellis0991's Avatar
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    I enjoyed reading what you wrote but it got a bit too descriptive. I hope you continue to write!

  18. #18

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