Have you ever been friend zoned?

[Doctor Amadeus]

Have you ever been friend zoned?

Yep 100% for sure when I started out and first learning how to work up talking to get a date. The above video for sure described me.


What is the best way to avoid the friend zone in your experience?

Be honest up front, I was scared to make it clear how I felt out of insecurity which made me come across more of a creep than I was, and I also made up in my mind more about who I wanted to ask out rather than just taking the hit of asking.

I think would compare it to boxing, if you are afraid to get hit and always thinking about it, it will always be 10 times worse.


(This is not a gender issue or meant to be dating advice, male or female, just wondering what peoples experiences were and how they got over it. While people do all kinds of gaming on here and online social stuff, be kind of cool to talk about offline also.)

[Sorensen]

If you get put in the friend zone don't stay there. If you want to be more than friends say that. If the other person only wants to be friends you have different expectations/wants from the relationship and it's not gonna work for either person.

[Queen of Hamsters]

Yes. But really no. Had to vote no if going by the definition.

I took rebuffed feelings like a woman, and moved on. He had a different type and different plans for his life than myself. We are still somewhat in touch, he's got 3 kids and lives in Denmark now. Neither of them things I would've been able to join him in.

We were open with each-other from the start, and whilst I felt some sadness it was rather easy to get past once I realized just how different we are.

[Coolthulhu]

No, but I had a couple of friends fell for me and deemed it healthier to cut them off completely rather than "friendzoning" them.

If you get put in the friend zone don't stay there. If you want to be more than friends say that. If the other person only wants to be friends you have different expectations/wants from the relationship and it's not gonna work for either person.

Very true.

[Endus]

The "friend zone" is horse shit.

A woman's either going to think you're attractive and dateable, or not. If she doesn't want to date you, you haven't been put in some "zone"; she just doesn't like you that way. The rhetoric around the "friend zone" acts like women are doing this shit to be manipulative, like you could've dated her but instead she "friend zoned" you. The reality is, she wasn't going to date you.

If you're a straight dude, and you've got a bunch of dude friends, have you "friend zoned" those guys rather than considered dating and having sex with them? Or do you just not have any interest in them romantically to begin with?

It's an idea that becomes patently silly the moment you take it out of its normal context.


Also, if you're choosing to be platonic friends with a girl (or a guy, I'm not making a gendered argument here), because you want to get closer to them and see if you can wiggle your way into getting into their pants down the line, you're being manipulative and deceitful. That's why you're finding it so hard to get any success; you open with dishonest manipulation and you're expecting trust and romantic interest to follow. You're lying about your reasons for wanting to be in their circle of friends. Maybe try not lying, for a change. And if they turn you down, take it like an adult rather than investing any efforts into trying to change their minds.

[Sorensen]

The "friend zone" is horse shit.

A woman's either going to think you're attractive and dateable, or not. If she doesn't want to date you, you haven't been put in some "zone"; she just doesn't like you that way. The rhetoric around the "friend zone" acts like women are doing this shit to be manipulative, like you could've dated her but instead she "friend zoned" you. The reality is, she wasn't going to date you.

If you're a straight dude, and you've got a bunch of dude friends, have you "friend zoned" those guys rather than considered dating and having sex with them? Or do you just not have any interest in them romantically to begin with?

It's an idea that becomes patently silly the moment you take it out of its normal context.


Also, if you're choosing to be platonic friends with a girl (or a guy, I'm not making a gendered argument here), because you want to get closer to them and see if you can wiggle your way into getting into their pants down the line, you're being manipulative and deceitful. That's why you're finding it so hard to get any success; you open with dishonest manipulation and you're expecting trust and romantic interest to follow. You're lying about your reasons for wanting to be in their circle of friends. Maybe try not lying, for a change. And if they turn you down, take it like an adult rather than investing any efforts into trying to change their minds.

The issue is caused when people try to let others down easy and say stuff like "we should just be friends," instead of being more clear about the not wanting to date/beting romantic etc.

[Coolthulhu]

A woman's either going to think you're attractive and dateable, or not. If she doesn't want to date you, you haven't been put in some "zone"; she just doesn't like you that way. The rhetoric around the "friend zone" acts like women are doing this shit to be manipulative, like you could've dated her but instead she "friend zoned" you. The reality is, she wasn't going to date you.

How is this not a gendered argument, and why are you implying that people who get "friendzoned" are basically incels who claim as much as an excuse? A simpler reality is that sometimes a platonic friendship can develop into something more and the other party may not reciprocate, hence the "friendzoning", as in "sorry, but I don't feel that way". No manipulations or incel reasonings involved.

[Endus]

The issue is caused when people try to let others down easy and say stuff like "we should just be friends," instead of being more clear about the not wanting to date/beting romantic etc.

I disagree that that's in any way "unclear". They didn't say "if you hang around long enough, I might date you".

They said "no". Accept that answer and move on.

How is this not a gendered argument, and why are you implying that people who get "friendzoned" are basically incels who claim as much as an excuse? A simpler reality is that sometimes a platonic friendship can develop into something more and the other party may not reciprocate, hence the "friendzoning", as in "sorry, but I don't feel that way". No manipulations or incel reasonings involved.

I said it wasn't a gendered argument, and that I was merely citing examples.

If a dude doesn't think a lady's attractive and says "let's just be friends", same difference.

Lying about your intent and hoping a platonic relationship develops into something more is both dishonest and manipulative. You are not being a friend. You're lying about that in the hopes of getting in their pants.

[Sorensen]

I disagree that that's in any way "unclear". They didn't say "if you hang around long enough, I might date you".

They said "no". Accept that answer and move on.



I said it wasn't a gendered argument, and that I was merely citing examples.

If a dude doesn't think a lady's attractive and says "let's just be friends", same difference.

Lying about your intent and hoping a platonic relationship develops into something more is both dishonest and manipulative. You are not being a friend. You're lying about that in the hopes of getting in their pants.

Except no isn't usually said explicitly and the ambiguity is cause for hope and then hurt feelings.

[Zuben]

Yup. When you're young and inexperienced, yet capable, even susceptible, to falling for someone, this is what's likely to happen. In my case I handled it clumsily, which forced us to eventually take distance from each other. It sucked at the time, but time heals such wounds, experience makes you realize it's not the end of the world. In my current life I have no regrets as far as this particular thing is concerned. It's not healthy to upkeep a pretentious status quo when it's apparent the other person isn't into you like that.

[Mihalik]

Of course.

Both been friend zoned and have friend zoned others.

If you are friend zoned you have 1 of 2 choices. One is you accept that and reframe your relationship to that person, the other is if you are unable to do so then be honest with yourself and distance yourself from that person. In either case you need to be always clear and upfront about your intentions and feelings. Like don't lie about your intentions or push someone away without explanation.

I've actually had a situation where I've been friend zoned, I distanced myself from the person, and after 3 or 4 months we incidentally ran into each other again at a party and almost instantly started dating because I chilled the fuck out and she had 3 months to think about why she liked me in the first place (as a person). We dated for almost 2 years after that.

[Doctor Amadeus]

The "friend zone" is horse shit.

A woman's either going to think you're attractive and dateable, or not. If she doesn't want to date you, you haven't been put in some "zone"; she just doesn't like you that way. The rhetoric around the "friend zone" acts like women are doing this shit to be manipulative, like you could've dated her but instead she "friend zoned" you. The reality is, she wasn't going to date you.

If you're a straight dude, and you've got a bunch of dude friends, have you "friend zoned" those guys rather than considered dating and having sex with them? Or do you just not have any interest in them romantically to begin with?

It's an idea that becomes patently silly the moment you take it out of its normal context.


Also, if you're choosing to be platonic friends with a girl (or a guy, I'm not making a gendered argument here), because you want to get closer to them and see if you can wiggle your way into getting into their pants down the line, you're being manipulative and deceitful. That's why you're finding it so hard to get any success; you open with dishonest manipulation and you're expecting trust and romantic interest to follow. You're lying about your reasons for wanting to be in their circle of friends. Maybe try not lying, for a change. And if they turn you down, take it like an adult rather than investing any efforts into trying to change their minds.

I think women can get friend zoned as well, I do think there is such a thing as being friend zoned, not that it isn't for very natural reasons, I gave my experience. For me personally when I was younger it was out of an overly romanticized idea.


I always thought if you are nice enough, and a gentlemen, and you did all that, held the boombox outside a girls window, sang her a song on the guitar how you feel, be that friend and shoulder to cry on, I couldn't miss.

However looking back on it now, it was creepy, dishonest and for the most part and over idealized idea about my perspective and what I wanted. I think personally I got friend zoned for it and for good reason.

Not the only experience I have witnessed or seen, I have friends that fits the narrative you suggest too, in a less sappy way than myself, but I personally think and seen it came from a lack of being self aware and being honest.

[Elegiac]

No, because as mentioned the friendzone is horseshit concocted by the same people who insist men and women can't have uncomplicated friendships and that "the default" is a romantic attachment.

Just say 'unrequited love', y'all ain't special.

[Doctor Amadeus]

If you get put in the friend zone don't stay there. If you want to be more than friends say that. If the other person only wants to be friends you have different expectations/wants from the relationship and it's not gonna work for either person.

I don't think being friend zoned is completely within someones control. For example I could consider you my friend, but that doesn't mean you consider me yours. Despite the fact, I don't know you, we never met, we have shared no solitary experience what so ever.

Meaning if I make up in my mind what we are without your consent that doesn't make it your problem or reality. Just because we happen to be the same area or even if we were around the same people, the same applies.

You do have control over your behavior, as I do mine, no matter what I think, I can never be your friend, unless you want to be my friend too, it is as simple as that.


DOING anything outside of that doesn't make us friends.

[Stelio Kontos]

I don't think friendzoning is a "thing" the way some folks go on about it.

But I do know a lot of folks, women and men, will lead someone on or leave them on the hook, without making it unambiguously clear nothing will happen, because it strokes their ego to have a hanger-on waiting in the wings.

On the other hand, sometimes men and women just can't take a hint to stop sniffing around. I have a female friend, known her almost 20 years. Made it pretty clear I've never been sexually or romantically interested in her. Hasn't stopped her from trying over the years a couple times. Sent an unsolicited nude, tried flirting. I've had to make it really clear she's not my type (she's...uh...stout, and I don't date big girls). The friendship's fallen apart over time, since she got to know some of the girls I've dated and saw how different they are than she is.

[Doctor Amadeus]

Of course.

Both been friend zoned and have friend zoned others.

If you are friend zoned you have 1 of 2 choices. One is you accept that and reframe your relationship to that person, the other is if you are unable to do so then be honest with yourself and distance yourself from that person. In either case you need to be always clear and upfront about your intentions and feelings. Like don't lie about your intentions or push someone away without explanation.

I've actually had a situation where I've been friend zoned, I distanced myself from the person, and after 3 or 4 months we incidentally ran into each other again at a party and almost instantly started dating because I chilled the fuck out and she had 3 months to think about why she liked me in the first place (as a person). We dated for almost 2 years after that.

I think what you said in bold is very very important which is why I don't believe friend zoning is bullshit, because while yes sometimes it can be because one of 2 parties seeks more to a friendship than it will ever be, there is also those who are well aware of that circumstance with someone else, knowing it will never go anywhere and sometimes use it to their advantage or simply refuse to be honest about confronting it.

As I said a person really can't be responsible for the feelings of someone else towards them, especially when that person isn't be honest to begin with, but the way I personally got out of it was by being honest, and recognizing that if I felt that way about someone and way back I did, and they weren't honest enough to let me know, or using me then I deserved what I was willing to accept.

I don't mean that to sound bitter, and for a while after I was, eventually I just learned it's better to be blunt and honest and accept rejection always, rather than allow a one sided fantasy from the start.

[Queen of Hamsters]

I wasn't aware that the term "Friend Zone" has been so overtaken by the Incel/Manosphere, but there you go. I've heard about it being used, but not to the horrible extent that they twist the narrative.

I wouldn't consider myself "friend-zoned" as they describe it with the guy I once had an interest in whilst he didn't feel the same about me. He was open with me, I was open with him.

People perpetually seeing themselves as "stuck in the friend-zone" seem to be pretty entitled, I have to say. And yes, men and women, same as gay men and women with others of their sex, can have platonic friendships just fine.

[Dwarfhamster]

No, because as mentioned the friendzone is horseshit concocted by the same people who insist men and women can't have uncomplicated friendships and that "the default" is a romantic attachment.

Just say 'unrequited love', y'all ain't special.

Savage but true. Used mostly by guys now to shift the blame for their failures from their own inadequacies to the women for whom they pine.

[Mistame]

No. I'll be friendly and if they're not interested, that's their right. I've always got something/someone better to do. /shrug

The "friend zone" is horse shit.

/endthread

Also, if you're choosing to be platonic friends with a girl (or a guy, I'm not making a gendered argument here), because you want to get closer to them and see if you can wiggle your way into getting into their pants down the line, you're being manipulative and deceitful. That's why you're finding it so hard to get any success; you open with dishonest manipulation and you're expecting trust and romantic interest to follow. You're lying about your reasons for wanting to be in their circle of friends. Maybe try not lying, for a change. And if they turn you down, take it like an adult rather than investing any efforts into trying to change their minds.

Meh. Yes and no. You can't really expect to dive straight into a romantic relationship. Sure, you can nab some HPV-laden partners on Tinder, etc, but outside of that, you nearly always have to be friends to end up lovers. And if you're attracted to someone, the logical thing to do is to be friends and discover if they're interested or not. The issue lies in how people react when finding out someone isn't interested. As far as "manipulation" goes, that's what relationships are built on, only it's generally colloquially referred to as "compromise". The reality is that no one owes anyone anything. If someone doesn't want to be intimate with you, move on. If someone was only "friends" with you because they wanted to be intimate, too bad. Move on.

[Egomaniac]

The issue is caused when people try to let others down easy and say stuff like "we should just be friends," instead of being more clear about the not wanting to date/beting romantic etc.

What's unclear about "We should just be friends"? Seems like a pretty clear statement that the person is not interested in anything other than a platonic relationship. If someone else hears "we should just be friends for now" then they've put themselves into that "Friend zone".