How 2 Tank: Paladin (good read)

[Revale]

Paladin threat & you

*Takes a slow drag from a pipe before looking above the book I am pretending to read. I am wearing my fuzzy bath robe and duck slippers sitting in a high backed chair in front of a fire place*

Ah, hello. I did not see you there in front of my awesomeness. I am a Paladin, and today I am going to teach you about threat, and we as Paladins handle things like vengeance, aggro, and taunt swapping. So sit back, relax, and enjoy - Hello, I am Awesome because I am a Paladin

Chapter 1. Vengeance, Aggro, and You

Vengeance is a funny little thing. See as I get hit I gain a stacking buff of attack power that is equal to a % of my stamina, its quite nice as when this little powder keg gets lit, I can be very angry and mean. When I hit stuff with a full vengeance buff, that stuff seems to melt in half, cleaved by the awesome'ness that is my sword and shield! Yes thats right, as Paladins we dont actually have to think about tanking... we just show up and things just happen. That kids, is because were whats called Overpowered. Yes say it with me again children, this time by its phonetic pronounciation

Oh-ver-pow-erd

Very good! You have just learned the first step in being a Paladin. Now strap on that neck brace, its time to face roll furiously along our keyboards, as we learn about single target and multi target threat.

Chapter 2. Single target threat, and your face

*Straps neck brace on tightly, and takes another long drawn out puff from a pipe*

Ah yes, now that we have successfully prepared ourselves for Single target tanking, we can move along. Ok are you ready to pull that boss/mob and get threat?

See its done!

Wondering what happened exactly? Paladins are capable of merely looking at an enemy, getting inside its brain, and causing insane amounts of threat.... JUST BY BEING AWESOME!!!! Thats right, those other tanks need those "stats" like vengenace, rage, and silly mangle spamming to be able to tank efficiently. We just merely LOOK at things and drive them to a point of drooling insanity.

Lets say were tanking with our smaller, under priviliged tanking brothers the Warrior, and were doing a tank swap. The warrior thinks he "taunts" and "unloads threat", when in reality all I do is tell the mob I am tanking

"Its ok, go after him" and the mob listens gleefully.

Very good everyone, you have just learned how to sufficiently tank as a Paladin against a single target. Now lets put on that jock strap, as were going to be in for a wild ride as we learn to AoE tank!

Chapter 3; Multi-mob Tanking aka AoE Tanking

*Tightens jock strap, adjusts massive balls and takes another slow drag from a freshly packed pipe*

Ah welcome back! I was not too concerned you would come back, afterall... I sparkle with awesomeness. So what exactly is AoE tanking as a Paladin? The answer is quite simple, its why we put on this jock strap. We ride!

Hammer of Wrath after landing on its initial target shoots out waves of Barry Manilow music that coerces all bad guys to get in the "bend over" position to take it from me. We all know monsters in the World of Warcraft cannot resist the supple, soothing, and alluring charm of the Great White Shark, and we use this to our advantage. Every 8 seconds we just radiate with this soothing seductive music.

Usually it sounds like this (to the tune of Oh Mandy)

oh bad guys in Warcraft

Well you came and you aggro'ed without taking
but I sent you away, oh bad guys
well you gave me vengeance and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh bad guys

You came and you gave me LOL's without taking
but I sent you away, oh bad guys
You cant resist Barry Manillow and cant control your shaking
And I need you

Oh bad guys won't you listen to what I've got to say
Oh bad guys don't you let me throw it all away
Oh BADDIES IN PVP won't you listen to what I've got to say
and I need you today, oh I am so awesome cause I am a Paladiiiiiinnnnnn

Chapter 4; Conclusion

*Draws from pipe again, puts back on fuzzy bath robe and duck slippers and settles back in by the fire place*

I am glad you stopped by today, and I hope I was able to enlighten you as to how awesome I am. And remember kids, any problems with tanking can be solved with Barry Manillow aka the Great White Shark, unless your a warrior, druid, or death knight in which case your screwed.

FINI



I wrote this thread on our guild forums in response to another friend of mine writing out a very elaborate "How 2: Warrior" guide. I am waiting for him to wake up and read it later and LOL as hard as I did while writing it. Before anyone flames, I do play a Prot Paladin as mainspec, and am an avid Barry Manillow fan.

[Ragu]

I don't mean to say this as offensively as it's going to sound to you, but this is the worst attempt at trying to be funny and/or informative that I've ever seen.

Prot Pallies, overpowered? Relative to what? Prot Pallies from Vanilla WoW? Yeah, alright. Relative to the other tank options in Cata? Nope.

[Revale]

Its a joke bud, purely just a joke. I dont even think they are OP, it was an attempt at playing around is all, dont worry lol.

[iowaman]

Lol, nice read. I got a good laugh. Paladins are a bit OP. Maybe not compared to overall raiding, but I am able to tank near entire 5man heroic bosses without a healer (they like standing in fire). One question though, where did you get the duck slippers?

[Revale]

I love being a Paladin for the whole "I can do A without B" aspect in things like 5 mans and whatnot. In raids however, I feel everything is pretty well balanced.

The duck slippers, on sale at walmart!!!! GO GIT EM

[Deleted]

I am now going to change from a healer too a tank.

In order to get the single target tanking perfectly, i think i should change my char to a blood elf female. Being awesome and amazingly sexy suits me perfectly, as it is what i am like in real life.

I feel i am ready to take the burden of Paladin Tanking.

[Deleted]

I lol'd real hard while reading this, having a palli tank alt might have been the reason there
Guess people see humor in different ways sometimes.
Hope your friend lol's as hard as I did.

[john879]

Funny as crap, really though we lost our overpoweredness at the end of wrath. Now we are just so-so. Kinda sad. I don't want faceroll back, but right now I just feel too squishy.

[Revale]

I dunno, I really do wear a neck brace while tanking......

[Caelia]

Pretty funny but Chapter 1 applies to all tanks, not just palas

[Deleted]

Neither funny nor informative.

[Revale]

For anyone with a light heart ya saw SOMETHING funny. Those of you looking for something serious were badly disappointed. And those of you who were defending not being OP are just afraid if we admit it, well get nerfed! (I am really not being serious on that one so go jam a fistful of Xanax down your throat and calm down)

[Recoverus]

I'm sure it was quite innocently written and intended nothing other than providing a bit of light relief.

But ... ,

Please bear in mind when posting stuff like this that, unfortunately, this is the sort of material thats gets the mindless sheep that make up 90% of the playing population on the "pally-hate" bandwagon. They don't experience stuff first-hand, or develop an educated opinion - they just repeat what they've read on forums or trade chat, taking it as completely verbatim because "somebody else said so ...".

Tanking in Cataclysm is pretty well balanced at the moment, with each class providing some mild advantages over the others, but in no way dominating so far as to exclude any particular tank from any of the current content.

[Revale]

It's a funny story..

But after two years I am happy people focus their OP-QQ on another class, no need to remind them of the "op"-pallies.
Please don't wave things like this in front of their eyes we all know how the community reacts on paladins.

I apologize if anyone thought I was waving anything in anyones face. I also really dont pay attention to how much hate people send paladins ways, I normally am LOL'ing at the druid QQ. For the record, I really do play a Prot Pally full time... I just wanna put that out there so no one thinks I am someone who is just needlessly bashing on another class.

Again I restate,

this was purely just for fun and was sharing it for the laughs. nothing more, nothing less. I thought the Manillo stuff added a good touch lol.

---------- Post added 2011-02-07 at 10:45 AM ----------

Tanking in Cataclysm is pretty well balanced at the moment, with each class providing some mild advantages over the others, but in no way dominating so far as to exclude any particular tank from any of the current content.

I truly believe this 100% for the record. My ruse was merely in fun.

[Xs]

The title lied, this was not a good read at all

[davesurfer]

Wow people need to lighten up

[Devotions]

I feel like you're trying too hard.

[Ninurta]

This thread is the tyrone bigsby sketch for paladins.

[Chaltione]

OP: are you Johnny Awesome, the guy I gave a quest to in Hillsbrad Foothills?

[Cowsftl]

Lol'd.

I'm a prot pally btw.