[Un] Official jokes mega-thread of MMO-Champion

[Twilightdawn]

So i was browsing fun stuff forums with the idea to make a joke thread, but i didn't want to copy someones idea, or repost a thread, i did some searching using some keywords like jokes mega thread all that good stuff, and found that there really isn't a jokes thread, so feel free to post your jokes here, and if you don't have any to submit, try to rate some of the ones up here, i'll start

• Your so fat, on your license it says photo continued on back
  Two cannibals were eating a clown, one cannibal turned to the other, and asked " Does this taste funny to you? "
  A baby seal walks into a club... ~Caiden
  I went into the rental store the other day and asked to borrow
  Batman Forever, the guy said "No, you have to bring it back tomorrow".
  Two ships crashed at sea the other day, one carrying blue paint the other carrying red. The sailors were marooned
  I don't like Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves. ~Chubbz77
  Yo' mama so fat when she fell of her bed she fell on both sides ~ChildeRoland
  Your mother is so fat, when she got picked for the reality show "Survivor", she had to live on her own island.~ Dulci5
  yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes OUTSIDE ~Matt the man[/COLOR]

[Stuffs]

Your mother is so large, she has an increased risk for diabetes.

Wait

[Caiden]

Here we go....

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Wanna hear a corny joke? Iowa

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Two cannibals were eating a clown, one cannibal turned to the other, and asked " Does this taste funny to you? "

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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? WHERES MY TRACTOR?

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Why did the scarecrow win a medal? he was outstanding in the field!

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I had a dream where I was a muffler, when I woke up, I was exhausted!

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A man sends 20 Puns to each of his friends, Hoping that atleast 1 in 10 would get a laugh

No Pun in ten did

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Why was the archeologist depressed? Because his career was in ruins!

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A baby seal walks into a club...

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Thats all I have for now.

Yes I know they're terrible.

[ThePotato]

So i phoned my boss this morning and told him;

"Whats the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
To which he replied "Errr not a clue."
"I'm not coming in this morning"

[Viperdream]

Why does Bush have a Blue Telephone?
to use it

And why does he also have a red one?
Because he likes the color red

This is my humor

[Xendrus]

Why did the little girl fall off the swings? Because she lost her arms in a drunk driving accident.
Why didn't the little boy cross the road? Because he had terminal cancer and couldn't stand up.

[Chubbz77]

I was walking down the street and someone threw some cheese at me. I thought to myself "Well, that's not very mature is it?".

I was caught stealing on the shoulders of two vampires the other day, I was charged with shoplifting on 2 counts.

I went into the rental store the other day and asked to borrow Batman Forever, the guy said "No, you have to bring it back tomorrow".

There is one good thing about doing a tranny. When you reach around the front it feels like you've gone right through.

Two ships crashed at sea the other day, one carrying blue paint the other carrying red. The sailors were marooned.

The football seemed to be getting bigger and bigger, then it hit me.

A man and his wife are laying in bed, the man says "Want to play chillean miners?" the wife replies "Ok, how do we do that?" to which the man says "You go down on me and disappear for 4 months".

I need to think of more...

[fapjackmasta]

Why did the little girl fall off the swings? Because she lost her arms in a drunk driving accident.
Why didn't the little boy cross the road? Because he had terminal cancer and couldn't stand up.

i must be a TERRIBLE person. i found these 2 rather amusing for some reason

[Twilightdawn]

Updated the original post with more of the ones that made me smirk and or laugh, keep em coming

[Phy]

How do you circumcise a Catholic Priest?
Kick the Choir boy in the chin

[Twilightdawn]

Remember to keep it clean if you can guys, only the REALLY funny dirty jokes will make it into the main post, but feel free to add any jokes you can think of

[Deleted]

Rodney is a massive fan of tractors, he absolutely loves the things. As such his favourite holiday desination was Somerset because they have loads of tractors there.

One day Rodney goes for a walk down a country lane to see if there are any notable tractors for him to look at, take photos of, catalogue etc. You know, the usual stuff. At about 10 oclock he sees a sign for a "Tractor's Through the Ages" exhibit at the entrance to a farm. Rodney is very excited about this, so he practially sprints down the drve to the exhibit only to find that the sign is 6 months out of date and the tractors are no longer there.

This has disheartened Rodney somewhat, he got really excited by the exhibit only to find disappointment. Still, he returns to his original lane in hope of finding some tractors to admire.

Soon Rodney comes to the outskirts of a town where he comes to an industrial estate. Rodney is briefly annoyed because this means he has run out of farmland, prime tractors country. this is short lived though, because he quickly sees an elite modern tractor show room. This is just the thing rodney is after and he quickly walks round to the show room. When he gets there however he finds that it has gone bankrupt and there are no tractors to be seen.

This really upsets Rodney. The second major tractor scene of the day is just another disappointment and he still hasn't seen a single tractor.

Rodney decides to give up on tractors for the day and wanders in to town, somewhat aimlessly unsure what to do for the rest of the day, unwilling to commit himself to more tractor related disappointment. However, on his way through the town he sees a sign for a tractor museum! "Wow!" thinks Rodney, this surely will be just the thing to pick me up. Rodney follows the signs and goes into the musem, only the be confronted by firemen telling him that there had been a fire there just that morning and all the tractors were irrepairably damaged.

Rodney is distraught at this and runs out crying. Eventually he calms down and finds his way to a pub to drown his sorrows. As he sits in the pub mulling things over a flurry of activity comes from the direction of the kitchen. Out come a stream of chefs all looking a little bit singed and followed a cloud of smoke and coughing a lot.

"Theres a fire in the kitchen! Everybody out!" shouts the landlord and everybody dutyfully moves towards the doors

"Wait!" screams the land lady, "My son is stuck in the kitchen and can't breathe through the smoke!"

Quick as a flash, Rodney vaults a table, bursts into the kitchen, inhales all the smoke and exhales it safely outside, saving the boy's life. Everyone is terribly impressed and start cheering him. When asked how he did it, Rodney simply answered "well, i'm an ex tractor fan."
_____________________________________________________

Lion, Zebra and Giraffe were driving through the desert when suddenly their jeep breaks down.

"Oh no!" cries Zebra, "what shall we do? Nobody knows where we are and we have no radios or anything!"

"Not to worry," says Lion "We'll have to walk. We haven't been driving so long so we'll soon be back at camp if we follow our tyre prints."

"Good idea Lion," said Zebra "everyone pick an item and carry it with us to help us on our trek"

"Quite," replied Lion "I shall take the radiator, the water will be useful for when we get dehydrated"

"Yes, good idea. I shall take the spare tyre so when it gets cold at night we can light it and keep warm" said Zebra. "What about you Giraffe?"

Giraffe, who often had his head in the clouds said "Hmm? Oh, well I suppose i'll take one of the doors then."

"A door?!" said Lion.

"Yes," said Giraffe "so that when it gets too hot I can wind down the window and stick my head out."
______________________________________________________

So, i was driving home the other day, and truth be told i wasn't really paying much attention to the road when i ran into the back of this man at a set of red lights. We both get out and I'm suitably apologetic since i had produced a fair sized dent in his rear.

The other chap is quite short, infact i think he was a dwarf. He looks at his car, then looks at me and says "I'm not happy."

I said, "Ok, which one are you then?"
______________________________________________________

I applied for a job recently at my local theatre and i got it, hurray! One of my tasks is to arrange new acts for the theatre to put on and I'm given a relatively large amount of leeway with this, although the manager did stress that i should not allow any stage hypnotists. When i asked why the manager replied that they had had one recently who had, as part of a perfectly benign act, hypnotised the entire crowd but then triped and fell off the stage. The hypnotist shouted "shit!" loudly and they'd been clearing up all week!

[Malathala]

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

[Tilie]

Why did the cactus cross the road?

-----------------------------------------

It was stuck to the chicken.

[dezzagod]

GREATEST JOKE IN HISTORY

A few weeks in to an employee's contract, the manager (Joe) of the local "everything" store noticed that the said employee (Fred) has not been performing well at all. Checking over the stock lists he sees that all Fred has sold is, 3 toasters and 1 portable gaming system.
Joe goes to Fred's department and advises him:

Joe: I see your sales are quite low, you have been here a few weeks and only sold 4 things.
Fred: Well no one is buying anything
Joe: That is where you come in. You need to convince people to buy things. Here watch this..

Joe walks over to a customer.
Joe: Can I help you today?
Cust: Yes i would like a toaster please
Joe: Would you like a matching kettle with your toaster?
Cust: Well not really but I do suppose it would look better if they matched so... yes i'll take the kettle also.

Joe hand the items to the customer and asks her to head ovfer to the counter to purchase them. Fred watches this with great interest and informs Joe that he undertands and that he now feels confident enough to sell products. Joe advises Fred that should he fail and not sell twice his current quota by tomorrow he will be fired.

The next day Joe goes to Fred's department to see how he is doing

Fred: I'm doing fantastic sir. Best day I have ever had
Joe: So you sold items today then?
Fred: Yes I over filled my quota.
Joe: So $250 worth...$500 maybe
Fred: $235,000 today sir and I still have 2 hours before closing
Joe: $235,000!!!! How did you manage that??
"well" said Fred "a man came in this morning and wanted to buy a fish hook. Just like you showed me I explained to him that if he was going to buy a fish hook he would need a rod to put it on. So he brought a rod. I then explained that he would need tackle and bait for the rod, so he brought tackle and bait."

"Wow" said Joe, "then what??"

"well" said Fred "then I explained to him just how much more fun fishing is with a few drinks, so he brought an esky and a few beers. I then told him he would have even more fun if he didn't have to fish from the beach. I took him over to the boat section and he brought the $105,000 stingray and all the accessories that go with it."

"unbelievable" said Joe "I hope you helped him take it to his car after all that"

"Funny" replied Fred "when we got there we found his car was far too small to pull the boat, so I took him over to the car lot and he brought a brand new four-wheel drive to pull the boat"

"OH MY LORD!!" yelled Joe "ALL THIS FROM A FISH HOOK"

"well not really" explained Fred "he actually came in to buy tampons for his wife and i told him'
"your weekend is screwed...might as well go fishing"

[posessor]

why did bill fall off his bike?

because bill was a fish

[Deleted]

I said to my wife, "Do you hear that? No one whining, moaning or complaining. The sound of silence. It's beautiful isn't it?"

And placed her urn back on the mantelpiece.

--

My wife's a bit like Pinocchio.

Every time she tells me lies, her nose swells up.

--

I heard that Justin Bieber has a 10 inch cock.

It's in his ass and belongs to Usher.

--

"You can tell a lot about a person by their car."
For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

cba to get more

[ChildeRoland]

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

Because it was tied to the chicken.

Props for getting the reference.

_______

Yo' mama so fat when she fell of her bed she fell on both sides

[dulci5]

Your mother is so fat, when she got picked for the reality show "Survivor", she had to live on her own island.

I made it up and yes it is quite bad, but atleast a friend laughed when I told it, so I guess it aint THAT bad :<

[Wonderboy]

My wife's a bit like Pinocchio. Every time she tells me lies, her nose swells up.



[disclaimer]Its a joke, i do not endorse nor have ever commited domestic abuse!