[Help me] Befriending the one you love

[Zendik]

Dear people on mmochamp,

I'll try to make this short and clear, because I'd like as many reactions and opinions as possible. Even if you don't like walls of text, I'd appreciate it if you read this one and thought about it. This is very important to me.

I'm a 26-year old gamer-pothead from the Netherlands. When I was 15-16 I used to be quite the ladiesman, with lots of contacts, few cares and much happyness. I started smoking weed and I've found it to numb down all my emotions. I ended up with five friends, all as stoned as me. I almost settled with my situation, gave up hope.

Last week, out of nowhere, a girl (21) appeared in my life. We met online, started chatting and decided to meet up. I remember getting doubts, but there was no turning back: she alrdy started the 70 km drive to reach my town. We didn't rly know anything about eachother. I was totally flipping out, until I met her at the train station, where we met up.

We had a very relaxing evening. We talked as if we'd known eachother forever. There was a full moon, we had some wine in the park and had an amazing night. After we said goodbye, we exchanged phone numbers to keep in touch. Everything had felt perfect. That night I fell in love.

The next couple of days were a huge eye-opener. I think I went through all the phases of psychology: euphoria, anger, despair, sadness. I got myself together and decided to turn my life around. I quit smoking weed and cigarettes, started working out, eating healthier and sleeping normal hours again. Today is six days later, I'm still doing great, haven't even had the urge to bend or give up. (I had been smoking cigarettes and weed for about 10 years)

Throughout the week we kept talking via sms and on the internet. I told her exactly how I felt (being dishonest wouldn't bring me anywhere). She was so kind and understanding, but she had been through a very painful relationship recently and wanted to be on her own. She told me she trusted me, she liked me, but she isn't looking for anything more at the moment.

I just want to be with her. She's such an amazing person in so many different ways. It's weird to say as a 26-year old male, but I'm not at all interested in urgently having sex with her, although she's so pretty with huge charisma. If I could choose, I'd be with her forever, listening to her every single word.

So what should I do, people? Can you befriend the one you're in love with? Should I run? Can you give me any advice, warnings or opinions? Have you been in a similar situation?

Anything that might be helpful is so welcome. Thanks in advance!

Edit: For some people it might help to know that I'm a Cancer and she's a Capricorn.

Edit: I'd like to add that she's very happy to have made such changes in my life, although she doesn't understand how she did it. (hell, i don't either, she just somehow popped my lifenumbing bubble, you know, like waking up).

She rly wants to keep seeing me, but considering we live quite far from eachother, this might be only weekly. We do talk daily on the net or by texting. She's ofc very flattered I like her so much and she thinks I'm kinda hot (except for me having long hair, which she hates).

You must understand how all this confuses me. I'm preparing myself, though, when it explodes in my face, not to return to the guy I was before.

if she confided you about her previous relationship, then take her word for it, and give her time and space, that is, time to breath after her last relation, and space as in don't push it, let her get back together in her own daily stuff, emotional space, etc.

sometimes we just want to rush it, because we feel something strnog about, but well, a true love and an honest relationship isn't made of a person pushing and pressuring the other to make it work, all on one side. so if you want it to work, you need to take baby steps. the last thing you wanna do is put her against a wall, and have her feel it (pressure) even before the relationship start and little after you met. wouldn't give a nice impression if it were me, iamgine the pressure on other matters!

keep showing interest in her FRIENDSHIP above all, treat with kindness and respect, hear her, listen to her, understand her. you want to know her before you go further, you heart begs for more, but you must first learn yourself if it's really her that you want, or that you just felt her awsome, beautiful, and a nice person. that are millions in the world with the same qualities. give yourself time, respect yourself, hear your thoughts, and your instinct, above all, remember a bad call from your heart can cause you a lot of pain. learn more about here, she may be an amazing person, but you don't know all about her.

give time to know how she reacts to specific situations, give time to see how strong she is, or how easily she breaks (you don't really want to break her down after you start a relationship, you need to know the limits of how far you can push, when you need to push in an argument), does she think too much, does she like things simple, does she prefer a take-it-slow or an act-first-think-last, etc.

i hope this helps. don't let yourself down and back on weed, it will only make you waste yourself and disrespect yourself, and possibly, lose opportunities.

best of luck to you!

[Mukki]

That. Even if she doesnt want you as her BF, just stay with her. If she can make you change that much so fast, she's gotta be pretty special.

Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this? Self-improvement is good, but you shouldn't be improving yourself for some girl, I don't care how 'special' she is. You should be looking to improve yourself for yourself. If your happiness depends on another person, what will you do if it doesn't work out or they aren't around?

[Deleted]

go with the naked man!

but seriously, 6 days without pot/ciggies is nothing, you'll eventually come around to her no, and sink back into old habits. sorry

[Zendik]

go with the naked man!

but seriously, 6 days without pot/ciggies is nothing, you'll eventually come around to her no, and sink back into old habits. sorry

it's nothing until it becomes 1 week, 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 2 months, 1 year, etc... right? it's a start, the start is something, and it's the single most important step. after that, comes maintaining the healthier habits, and this step couldn't come without the start.

good luck again!

[fapjackmasta]

I would try to spend as much time with her as possible and enjoy it. See where the future brings you.

this pretty much. this is how my parents (as well as lots of other marriage bound couples) came together and i plan to do the same. being stuck in the friend zone doesnt happen as often as people think and from the sounds of it, she really may like you but was heartbroken and doesnt want to jump into anything any time soon

[EyelessCrow]

I dunno I just find it hard to love someone you are trying to befriend...sounds more like infatuation than love...devalues the word.

[MintJam]

If I can give one piece of advice: don't smother her by being pushy with how you feel about her. If she says she's not interested in a relationship right now, then she doesn't want one right now. Be there for her when she needs it, but don't act like a dog with its tail between its legs for her and bark on command. That will place you in a position you might not be able to get out of, at least not easily.

It sounds like you've known her only for only a short amount of time though, saying you love her might be a bit too bold. It doesn't sound like you've been infatuated romantically with other women before (well, you don't mention it anyways), but you really need to get to know someone inside out before you really can say you love them and mean it. I'm under the impression that maybe your declaration of your feelings were too soon. You don't always have to tell someone you love them right away, you can start small by saying you really like them and that you're interested in them and blah blah blah.

Being a friend to someone you have feelings for isn't that hard or complicated to be honest. It's more about respecting them and having patience.

[SomethingcooKiljaeden]

OP, You need to be a man and just tell her how you want it to be. You love her and you need to make that 110% clear

[Deleted]

but seriously, 6 days without pot/ciggies is nothing, you'll eventually come around to her no, and sink back into old habits. sorry

I'm glad I never read this remark on day 1

I used to smoke weed daily, with a package of cigarettes a day for like 10 years. I'm actually proud of these 7 days and it makes me strong to hang in there.

On the other hand, I feel totally exposed. The lack of my old bubbleshield has made me rly vulnerable. I feel like a pregnant woman, crying because of songs and being sad for things that haven't even happened yet.

[Mukki]

So there seems to be a lot of analyzing and such, but let's be real here.

OP, what exactly is it that you want out of this thread? There's no magical advice that's gonna make this girl fall in love with you, simply because it varies from person to person. If she likes you, awesome, if not though, you shouldn't be dependent on her for your own happiness/validation, you know what I mean? You gotta be able to be happy and such on your own.

As far as how much you're professing to her that you think the world of her, of course she's gonna be flattered. No decent girl will insult you for complimenting them. Take this into account, though. How would you feel if you had a female friend that you were on the fence about in regards to attraction? Like, you felt a little something there, but weren't completely interested?

Now, what if this friend started telling you over and over how much she liked you, how you changed her life, etc, after a short amount of time? See where I'm going with this? Basically man, I would recommend to move on, but if you're posting this thread on MMO-Champ, you're probably gonna be pretty adamant about pursuing her. If you must, I'd say to drop the whole 'liking' her topic before you push her away. From reading your posts, I'm getting a somewhat desperate vibe, which is NEVER good, I don't care how hot she thinks you are, you gotta have some sort of confidence in you or else it's for nothing. Just be natural and comfortable, don't get so head over heels for her like she's the first girl you've ever had a chance with though, otherwise you're gonna make her think that you aren't interested in her for who she is, but rather because she's a female.

Focus on your own life, don't be willing to put your entire life on hold to wait on this girl and accommodate her. She's not your girlfriend and you don't owe anything to her; you're just friends. You have a busy life and got a lot going on, don't be cold to her, be polite and friendly when you're with her (but please, be NATURAL). Now I know you're probably wondering if I'm asking you to avoid her? No, not at all, but you don't have to talk to her/hang out with her every time you have a chance. Too much of anything, even good things, eventually become boring. If she's moderately attracted to you, what's going to happen if you're constantly available 100% of the time? Let her have time to miss you, it's counter intuitive, but I promise it's more effective than sticking on her shoulder. Don't be her faithful little puppy dog, that's not how you'll get her or others for that matter, to respect you.


So like I said, I don't know this girl specifically, so what I'm telling you is based on my own experience, but your mileage may vary. Please do not consider this legal advice, as I am not a lawyer.

[Badpaladin]

Maybe this hasn't happened to you personally, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I started out as just friends with my husband for YEARS before we took anything further. He was a mutual friend of my sister and a ton of my friends, I had known him since middle school and finally in junior year of high school we became extremely good friends. In fact, like the XKCD comic he was there for me like a great friend through thick and thin. He became one of my best friends (still is today), just one day the light bulb pretty much came on for both of us and we finally admitted to somehow falling in love with each other over time. Honestly, I still don't get how I didn't notice it way beforehand that I had grown to love him as more than a friend.

There's a big difference. Was your friend(now husband) claiming to be head over heels in love with you and trying to build that friendship into something more, or was it something that started as a great friendship that eventually evolved? There's a massive difference between the two. The OP is not talking about wanting to form a bond of friendship that could eventually turn into more, he's talking about befriending this girl because he's so in love with her in hopes that she'll "see the light" and form a relationship.

[Deleted]

There's a big difference. Was your friend(now husband) claiming to be head over heels in love with you and trying to build that friendship into something more, or was it something that started as a great friendship that eventually evolved? There's a massive difference between the two. The OP is not talking about wanting to form a bond of friendship that could eventually turn into more, he's talking about befriending this girl because he's so in love with her in hopes that she'll "see the light" and form a relationship.

Actually, you might have understood me the wrong way. I just want to be with her. This topic asks: does this 'crush' I have make it impossible to start a friendship? I totally understand this isn't 'love'. I'm emotionally very vulnerable and unstable at the moment, mostly from drastically quitting all kinds of smokes. But apart from all this, she's still an amazing person and I rly want her in my life.

[Giroscopic]

Atraction can be generated. When she tries to befriend you, accept her emotions, and make it clear in a funny way you do not intent to just be friends.

Girls in general, are atracted to: Passion for life, emotional stability, control with one self and the world around him, leadership as with them (at least). If you can pull that off it means you are a good man for them. Jerks have those traits, "good guys" generaly are more soft on them and share the load, wich makes them feel unprotected. This is not about being a "good guy", its about showing them they can be with you, not just that you can be with her.

Atraction is not just about "being a nice guy". You have to show interest, and desinterest at the right moments. When she does something that express you interest, accept that with rewards phrases. When she does something that does not, punish her with something like "yes, yes, we are friends, sure honey" and kiss her in the cheek, or laugh teasing her.

When you two guys met, she probably saw your previous way of life, and she didnt feel atracted to a recovering addict. Try meeting her up a bit more, and describe all the things you are enjoying, but never say any of those things are about her. She wont respond to a "i do this because of you", she will though to "i do this for the lust for life".

Thank god i learned all this before i meet my wife

Hope you read and take this to heart, best of luck

[blitzkrieg3002]

in my experience with women, especially those met online, don't move to hastily you. I know you like her and you know you like her, but don't let her know she's all you think about or that you wanna be with her all the time, move slower and it will work better for you. when you fill her mind with those thoughts while she's not talking to you she'll be thinking about them and it might turn her off a bit. i mean after all you guys did meet online and girls are protective, well most girls. just my 2 cents. i hope it all works out just take it slow keep some strong words in to yourself for a while till it grows, then bring em out when you KNOW the time is right, you'll know kuz she'll let you know...

[aztr0]

If she's not ready to commit to another relationship, there's nothing you can do to make her ready, other than to stick around and stay a friend. You have already stated your feelings for her so you aren't "friendized."

[Deleted]

We're meeting up tomorrow. I've read all your replies several times and have discovered several new views on my situation. Will be continued, I hope.

[pinkbacon]

ok redwine heres the thing..

Online stuff..this is not good unless you are committed to it. you cant just do this and hope it will work out cause in the long run if it doesnt you will be wasting yout time.

long distance relationship - this is really hard. i read this book "how to make people like you" and it says that people are attracted to people who are closer to them because it gives more interaction.

in the end this might just hurt you so you gotta think about it.

in the internet we become anything we wanna be even if it isnt true.

[Failhance]

^^This is just win.

To OP: If you really have feelings for this person, be accepting of whatever type of relationship she wants. Always being there when they need it, (friend/gf;bf/spouse) Anyone worth loving, is worth sacrificing for.

[Deleted]

I think I owe you all this message, because the friendship ended. Yesterday afternoon she told me she was getting back together with her abusive ex-boyfriend. The guy who hit her in the face, threw her on the floor and grabbed her by the neck.

I lost self-control, went to his place and kicked the shit out of him in such a way that i'm honestly glad he survived. I'm awaiting a visit/call from the police. The girl has alrdy contacted me, told me I should have stayed out of her business, that she could handle it. She never wants to see/hear from me again.

I blew it, but it felt great making the asshole suffer. I'm trying to forget now and move on. Thanks for all your help, rly.

[Collegeguy]

Let me share some insight with you. Anyone that is looking for love on the internet is looking for anyone and anything on the internet for a thrill.

I had a "wowgf" at one point that was a Brazilian girl in my guild. She had told me that she was going to break up with her real life boyfriend to go out with me, and she wanted me to break up with my real life girlfriend as well. I wasnt too eager to do that until she would agree to meet me in real life.

So, at one point I had to be away from the game for a month. When I came back, one guy had started crying in a vent channel telling me that she had lead him on while I was gone and he thought she loved him. Other men started to say that she also hit on them while I was gone from the game. I wasn't surprised and didnt care since I had a gf in real life. Plus, I had the pleasure of ignoring her for a long time of her calling me on my cellphone afterwards.

You mentioned that she travel a long distance to visit you, a person she DOESNT even know, only to tell you she is not interested in you. Imagine how many other men she is meeting with online right now.... take that as you will.

---------- Post added 2011-04-27 at 12:32 PM ----------

I think I owe you all this message, because the friendship ended. Yesterday afternoon she told me she was getting back together with her abusive ex-boyfriend. The guy who hit her in the face, threw her on the floor and grabbed her by the neck.

I lost self-control, went to his place and kicked the shit out of him in such a way that i'm honestly glad he survived. I'm awaiting a visit/call from the police. The girl has alrdy contacted me, told me I should have stayed out of her business, that she could handle it. She never wants to see/hear from me again.

I blew it, but it felt great making the asshole suffer. I'm trying to forget now and move on. Thanks for all your help, rly.

I think you should turn yourself in and seek counseling for you internet emotion problems.