Do you consider friends as important as your partner?

[LemonDemonGirl]

Since I will never, ever be able to have a boyfriend, let alone get married, I'll say yes

[PC2]

Not sure I understand? Hopefully my upcoming girlfriend/wife is a good mother because I don't look to my best friend to father my children. But that doesn't mean she's more important, just that she fills a role my best friend will never fill, just like there are roles my upcoming wife will not fill that my best friend will. They're not competing for the same spot in my life.

Hmm well I just get the feeling that your partner hasn't swept you off your feet and made her the center of your attention and your future. It seems that your mind keeps wandering off to other people.

When a person settles down their single friends sometimes say they become "less fun" and that's not necessarily a bad thing, especially if you're past your twenties and you already had plenty of fun.

[Cæli]

the concept of friends is probably one of the biggest trap in life for the average person. "friends" have negative value. stick to your family, and only collaborate with strangers if there's solid incentives behind (mostly money)

[Witchblade77]

I can understand that, but honestly, how often do two situations that require your attention at the same time occur? It has never happened to me to the point where I have to ditch one, and not just re-schedule it.

But if you want some examples, sure.

If my best friend wants to hang out and so does my GF, I'll talk to them and compromise so that both become happy.

If my best friend is laying at her home with a twisted ankle and wants me to come and get her and take a taxi to the ER, and my GF/wife wants to eat out at some restaurant, I'll prioritise my best friend because it's more important than dinner.

If my best friend wants to go to the cinema for a movie, and my GF/wife wants me to meet her parents for the first time, I'll prioritise the latter.

It's the severity and seriousness of the situation that decides what I prioritize, not necessarily the person, but most of the time the situations are on such a level that a compromise can be made that make both parts happy. And that's what so great about my best friend and I, we know we will never ever get mad at each other for cancelling or re-planning an event, unless it's douchbag-scumery level of "I want to cancel 10 minutes before we are supposed to meet up".

ok, that sounds a lot more reasonable. the way your earlier posts made it sound was that you would prioritize your friend over your girlfriend/fiancé/wife, full stop. THAT is what was alarming. although, I would still say in a situation of equal importance where compromise is impossible - if your fiance is not your priority over your best friend, then the relationship foundation there is a bit shakey. and if your best friend doesn't understand why fiancé should take precedence in those situations then... I guess I would question her motifs. IMO.

[dextersmith]

I don't question that. Of course I want to marry out of love. I'm just of the opinion that a best friend can be just as important, just in other areas your wife don't fill. For me, it's not a competition where one is better or more important than the other, that's all.

Right, wife can't compete in your situation and would be a fool to expect to get more than a meal ticket.

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Not sure I understand? Hopefully my upcoming girlfriend/wife is a good mother because I don't look to my best friend to father my children. But that doesn't mean she's more important, just that she fills a role my best friend will never fill, just like there are roles my upcoming wife will not fill that my best friend will. They're not competing for the same spot in my life.

There won't be anyone upcoming if they knew about this. She can find sperm donors anywhere else.

/morbid

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you have to prioritize though and it seems that you are currently prioritizing your friend. which tells me that the spouse you have chosen may not be the best fit, to put it mildly. there is nothing wrong with close friendships. I compare friendship to family, because close friends ARE the family. family you chose. but so should be your spouse. and just like in a family, there is still a hierarchy of priorities, so is there in relationships. if your friend is more important then your spouse, then either you married for convenience, or the spouse you chose is not the right choice.

to expand. I don't have children, but if I had, they would obviously not feel the same role as my SO. however. if it came to a life or death situation or whatnot - I would prioritize children, and so would my SO. its not a competition as much as a matter of priorities when push comes to shove.

I just realized op must never have had a gf or date despite confessing he's not ugly.

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I can understand that, but honestly, how often do two situations that require your attention at the same time occur? It has never happened to me to the point where I have to ditch one, and not just re-schedule it.

But if you want some examples, sure.

If my best friend wants to hang out and so does my GF, I'll talk to them and compromise so that both become happy.

If my best friend is laying at her home with a twisted ankle and wants me to come and get her and take a taxi to the ER, and my GF/wife wants to eat out at some restaurant, I'll prioritise my best friend because it's more important than dinner.

If my best friend wants to go to the cinema for a movie, and my GF/wife wants me to meet her parents for the first time, I'll prioritise the latter.

It's the severity and seriousness of the situation that decides what I prioritize, not necessarily the person, but most of the time the situations are on such a level that a compromise can be made that make both parts happy. And that's what so great about my best friend and I, we know we will never ever get mad at each other for cancelling or re-planning an event, unless it's douchbag-scumery level of "I want to cancel 10 minutes before we are supposed to meet up".

Only involuntary celebate would utter this verbal diarrhea.

[Ashleyxoxo]

My only friend that I still talk to is a racist Trump supporter, so idc about my “friends.”

[Deathknightish]

ok, that sounds a lot more reasonable. the way your earlier posts made it sound was that you would prioritize your friend over your girlfriend/fiancé/wife, full stop. THAT is what was alarming. although, I would still say in a situation of equal importance where compromise is impossible - if your fiance is not your priority over your best friend, then the relationship foundation there is a bit shakey. and if your best friend doesn't understand why fiancé should take precedence in those situations then... I guess I would question her motifs. IMO.

When I say "as important", I mean the emotional bond mainly. The bond me and my best friend have is, on both sides, as strong as any romantic relationship.
But I do understand that it might be seen as weird from the outside that we text each other "good night, love you <3" and "good morning ". Some other friends have reacted on it at first, but they tend to calm down a bit when they realise that we are just really like family rather than just good friends. Funnily enough, our exes, or her current BF, don't mind, it's our friends that are surprised.

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Right, wife can't compete in your situation and would be a fool to expect to get more than a meal ticket.

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There won't be anyone upcoming if they knew about this. She can find sperm donors anywhere else.

/morbid

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I just realized op must never have had a gf or date despite confessing he's not ugly.

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Only involuntary celebate would utter this verbal diarrhea.

Me, an absolutely awful human piece of trash for having room for more than one person in my heart /s

Did you call me an incel for thinking that best friends are as important as any romantic partner? Incels are idiots, but if it's anything they are right in is that the term has been watered down so much that it doesn't mean anything any longer.

[Malkiah]

Not sure I understand? Hopefully my upcoming girlfriend/wife is a good mother because I don't look to my best friend to father my children. But that doesn't mean she's more important, just that she fills a role my best friend will never fill, just like there are roles my upcoming wife will not fill that my best friend will. They're not competing for the same spot in my life.

it's remarkable the extent to which most people are unable to grasp the notion of loving a friend and having someone vitally important to your life who doesn't share a couple of DNA sequences or lets jam your naked parts in/at them.

i too have deep bonds with people i share no romantic chemistry with, and i think the question in the OP is fundamentally flawed - "as important" isn't valid, as the two aren't mutually exclusive. it's like asking if food or water is more important to you.

IMO on a long enough timeline friends are more stable, because relationships are like pets: you love them intensely for the time that you have them, but anyone who gets a dog planning they're going to be together for the next 40 years is insane.
relationships end, and the longer they go on the more likely they are to end, unless you start piling on a bunch of lunacy like breeding or cohabitation or marriage so that your breakup is either horrendously complicated or ignored due to factors that nothing to do with your relationship.
close friendships however will pretty much go on forever unless one of you actively goes out of their way to fuck it up.

[Deathknightish]

it's remarkable the extent to which most people are unable to grasp the notion of loving a friend and having someone vitally important to your life who doesn't share a couple of DNA sequences or lets jam your naked parts in/at them.

i too have deep bonds with people i share no romantic chemistry with, and i think the question in the OP is fundamentally flawed - "as important" isn't valid, as the two aren't mutually exclusive. it's like asking if food or water is more important to you.

IMO on a long enough timeline friends are more stable, because relationships are like pets: you love them intensely for the time that you have them, but anyone who gets a dog planning they're going to be together for the next 40 years is insane.
relationships end, and the longer they go on the more likely they are to end, unless you start piling on a bunch of lunacy like breeding or cohabitation or marriage so that your breakup is either horrendously complicated or ignored due to factors that nothing to do with your relationship.
close friendships however will pretty much go on forever unless one of you actively goes out of their way to fuck it up.

Yeah, I can concede to that. I just wanted to hammer the point that, to me, best friends and romantic partners are both as important to me and my well-being. They are different, fill different functions, but I need them both in my life and I can't live with just one or the other.

I used to think that all I needed was a girlfriend, but then I got a girlfriend but at the same time I lost my current then best friend, and I was absolutely devastated and miserable for months, with a short period where I barely ate anything or got up from bed.

[Stelio Kontos]

No, when I'm married, the wife comes before any friend in matters of importance. The wife is the one I make the vows too, and the one who's there for me when I'm sick. She shares my bed and my household. That has to come before a friend.

My wife and the blood of my blood (kids, brother, mother, etc) come before friends, for me at least.

[Zalatoby]

I don't actually have any friends...
Which makes my partner my only friend.

[Amerissis]

I can understand that, but honestly, how often do two situations that require your attention at the same time occur? It has never happened to me to the point where I have to ditch one, and not just re-schedule it.

And what happens when your BFF doesn't like your wife? Or your wife doesn't like your BFF? Who do you prioritize then? For me it would be a no-brainer, always my husband, but apparently you would choose your friend? That's definitely not normal.

[Deathknightish]

And what happens when your BFF doesn't like your wife? Or your wife doesn't like your BFF? Who do you prioritize then? For me it would be a no-brainer, always my husband, but apparently you would choose your friend? That's definitely not normal.

They aren't the ones hanging out together, so any problems between them I stay out of. And if one gives an ultimatum, "it's me or her", it's the one giving it that flies with her head out. Nobody decides who I can, or can not, be with but myself. At first I'd naturally try to solve the conflict, though.

[Seirith]

Yeah, I can concede to that. I just wanted to hammer the point that, to me, best friends and romantic partners are both as important to me and my well-being. They are different, fill different functions, but I need them both in my life and I can't live with just one or the other.

I used to think that all I needed was a girlfriend, but then I got a girlfriend but at the same time I lost my current then best friend, and I was absolutely devastated and miserable for months, with a short period where I barely ate anything or got up from bed.

Why did having a girlfriend cause you to loose your best friend?

[Deathknightish]

Why did having a girlfriend cause you to loose your best friend?

Sorry, English is not my native language. It didn't, they were separate events, but it was when I got my first girlfriend that I realized that having a girlfriend doesn't fill the emotional space a best friend does for me, that it's another kind of love and that I need both, not just one of them.

[PC2]

why would you assume a woman would even want to have kids?

Most women have a kid in their lifetime and I assume most of the kids are wanted. Family trees that aren't pro-natalism tend to disappear which means only the pro-natalist families remain over time.

They aren't the ones hanging out together, so any problems between them I stay out of. And if one gives an ultimatum, "it's me or her", it's the one giving it that flies with her head out. Nobody decides who I can, or can not, be with but myself. At first I'd naturally try to solve the conflict, though.

Right so there wouldn't be any inter-personal conflicts in that case which means everything comes down to time management. If you have plenty of free time for both your friends and your partner then obviously your priorities aren't controversial in that situation.

[Seirith]

Sorry, English is not my native language. It didn't, they were separate events, but it was when I got my first girlfriend that I realized that having a girlfriend doesn't fill the emotional space a best friend does for me, that it's another kind of love and that I need both, not just one of them.

IMO then you were not dating the right girl. There is no "emotional space" that my husband cannot fill for me, which is why he is my husband and not just a friend. I would never think anyone, even a best friend would put me over their spouse, even if we had been best friends since birth. Friends of course are very important in life but will never IMO be as important as my spouse. My husband fills even important need in life. Friends, even best friends, can come and go depending on life circumstances, a spouse is suppose to be there forever.

[Witchblade77]

it's remarkable the extent to which most people are unable to grasp the notion of loving a friend and having someone vitally important to your life who doesn't share a couple of DNA sequences or lets jam your naked parts in/at them.

i too have deep bonds with people i share no romantic chemistry with, and i think the question in the OP is fundamentally flawed - "as important" isn't valid, as the two aren't mutually exclusive. it's like asking if food or water is more important to you.

IMO on a long enough timeline friends are more stable, because relationships are like pets: you love them intensely for the time that you have them, but anyone who gets a dog planning they're going to be together for the next 40 years is insane.
relationships end, and the longer they go on the more likely they are to end, unless you start piling on a bunch of lunacy like breeding or cohabitation or marriage so that your breakup is either horrendously complicated or ignored due to factors that nothing to do with your relationship.
close friendships however will pretty much go on forever unless one of you actively goes out of their way to fuck it up.

see that's weird to me. relationships are relationships. for me the main difference between friendship and romance is well.. romance aspect. friendships grow apart just as easily. and romantic relationships can and do last a lifetime. its all about whether you grow together or grow away from each other. your description of romantic relationship is to be frank - concerning. as far as the way you view your potential romantic partners. I would say if your romantic relationships don't last, its not because romance is inherently unstable, but rather because you go into it with expectation of it being unstable and do not give it the same consideration you would a friendship.

[Malkiah]

see that's weird to me. relationships are relationships. for me the main difference between friendship and romance is well.. romance aspect.

i get that most cultures have this bizarre fantasy about lofty romantic hooboojooboo, but honestly 'relationships' are just "i fuck you, and i don't hate you. if that keeps happening long enough, i'm in love with you" - there is no great one fated love of your life, there's no cosmic force bringing you together with your destined soul mate... you get along with some people and you don't get along with others, and if you happen to accidentally stumble into someone you actually like who *also* wants to have sex with you, well there you go.
but relationships are like pets, in that nearly all of them have an expiration date. you may not think about it, but you know it's there.
if you don't know it's there, well... there's a reason some people completely go to pieces over a breakup or a dog dying. delusion is a double edged sword like that.

friendships grow apart just as easily. and romantic relationships can and do last a lifetime.

friendships can last lifetimes, and romantic pairing can and (statistically speaking) most often do end at some point in your life.
yes, there are a handful of people out there that won the powerball lottery and are genuinely happy.
and there's a LOT more people out there who are so brainwashed by cultural mantra of the Relationship Escalator that they've settled into a partnership that doesn't make them happy because being in a partnership is more important than actually wanting the partner you're with.
it's all quite sad really.

its all about whether you grow together or grow away from each other. your description of romantic relationship is to be frank - concerning. as far as the way you view your potential romantic partners. I would say if your romantic relationships don't last, its not because romance is inherently unstable, but rather because you go into it with expectation of it being unstable and do not give it the same consideration you would a friendship.

your attempt to chide me for not strictly adhering to the strictures of The Relationship Escalator is both puerile and morally repugnant, but i'll forgive you this once since i'm fairly certainly you can't possibly know any better.

i just see the truth that so many seem blind to: i want to be happy, and so my goal in a romantic partner is someone who makes me happy.
not someone that is a compromise, not someone that is settled for, not someone that i spend the next 40 years merely building up a list of grievances against, and certainly not whomever it is that happens to be standing in front of me at the moment that i grab and cling to out of a desperation and fear of... whatever horrible thing it is that supposedly happens to you if you ever get old and aren't entrenched in a begrudgingly accepted cohabitation with someone.

i want my life to be full of joy and passion and having my heart be full to bursting every time i look at the person i'm sleeping with, and to bring that level of joy to them every time they see me.
if that ends up being one person, cool - i'll be with them forever.
and if that ends up being a series of someones that i go through over the course of my life (which so far it has), that's cool too.

[Witchblade77]

i get that most cultures have this bizarre fantasy about lofty romantic hooboojooboo, but honestly 'relationships' are just "i fuck you, and i don't hate you. if that keeps happening long enough, i'm in love with you" - there is no great one fated love of your life, there's no cosmic force bringing you together with your destined soul mate... you get along with some people and you don't get along with others, and if you happen to accidentally stumble into someone you actually like who *also* wants to have sex with you, well there you go.
but relationships are like pets, in that nearly all of them have an expiration date. you may not think about it, but you know it's there.
if you don't know it's there, well... there's a reason some people completely go to pieces over a breakup or a dog dying. delusion is a double edged sword like that.


friendships can last lifetimes, and romantic pairing can and (statistically speaking) most often do end at some point in your life.
yes, there are a handful of people out there that won the powerball lottery and are genuinely happy.
and there's a LOT more people out there who are so brainwashed by cultural mantra of the Relationship Escalator that they've settled into a partnership that doesn't make them happy because being in a partnership is more important than actually wanting the partner you're with.
it's all quite sad really.


your attempt to chide me for not strictly adhering to the strictures of The Relationship Escalator is both puerile and morally repugnant, but i'll forgive you this once since i'm fairly certainly you can't possibly know any better.

i just see the truth that so many seem blind to: i want to be happy, and so my goal in a romantic partner is someone who makes me happy.
not someone that is a compromise, not someone that is settled for, not someone that i spend the next 40 years merely building up a list of grievances against, and certainly not whomever it is that happens to be standing in front of me at the moment that i grab and cling to out of a desperation and fear of... whatever horrible thing it is that supposedly happens to you if you ever get old and aren't entrenched in a begrudgingly accepted cohabitation with someone.

i want my life to be full of joy and passion and having my heart be full to bursting every time i look at the person i'm sleeping with, and to bring that level of joy to them every time they see me.
if that ends up being one person, cool - i'll be with them forever.
and if that ends up being a series of someones that i go through over the course of my life (which so far it has), that's cool too.

yikes.

I was going to type up this lengthy rebuttal, but then I thought better of it. because you contradict yourself all the way through and don't even see it, anything I could possibly say - is going to fall on deaf ears. so I hope you have a nice life anyways, and I hope you only run into people who think like you and do not end up hurting people.