funniest joke you know

[lukekoo]

I heard this when I was in the 7th grade, and still laugh when I think about it.

Three explorers were out studying the Safari with their pet monkey. They decided, as an experiment, to put a cork in an elephant's butt. Over the course of the days, the elephant grew larger and larger. Next thing they know, the three men were in Heaven. They asked each other, "how'd you die?" The first said, "I died of the smell." The second said, "I died of the taste." The third man said, "I died laughing watching the monkey trying to put the cork back in."

Hahaha you got me there, so caution to the readers of this thread we must control our laugh.

[xylophone]

Women's sports.

HEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Deleted]

As I told a person that I hate racism and that I am fully against it, he jokingly responded:
"Yes, same here. I only hate two things: racism...and turks"

I really liked that because I know he was joking

[Deleted]

I'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch.. But I've had to put an energy-saving bulb in the fridge.


'We need to talk' Thought the caveman.


A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

[Deleted]

On the way to work last night, saw four blokes walking in the cemetery carrying a coffin.
After work, I passed the same cemetery to see the same four blokes carrying the same coffin.

I think they`ve lost the plot.

[WurstKaeseSzenario]

An infinte number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders 1 beer. The second orders 1/2 beer. The third orders 1/4 beer. etc.
The barkeeper serves 2 beers and says: "The rest is on the house."


I hope my translation didn't kill the joke.

[Kanx]

Paddy is having some difficulty in giving his girlfriend an orgasm. He speaks to his friend about his troubles; to which his friend replies "Mate, she's probably just over-heating. I'll come over and waft a towel while you two are at it to keep her cool".

Paddy happily agrees; they both get to it and his friend gets wafting. After 10 minutes she failed to come close to an orgasm - so Paddys friend suggests that they swap. Paddy is handed the towel and his friend hastely jumps in.

Within a minute, Paddys girlfriend has an explosive orgasm. The best in her life.

With a huge grin on his face, Paddy goes "And that, is how you waft a fucking towel".

[Deleted]

I know this very good joke.. Warriors

[gegalfo]

why is the inside of black peoples hand white and the same for their teeth and beneath their feet?? there is some good in everyone

Infracted

[Deleted]

Women's rights.

Mod Edit: Infracted for Trolling. Not funny.

Oh yes, funny.

What does the five fingers say to the face?.. SLAP!

[Nest]

PvP in WoW.

[Ezachulator]

What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay!

[muto]

Slightly dirty, so don't read if you don't like dirty jokes.

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when suddenly he fell into a hole. "Help!" he yelled. A mouse heard his cry for help and came running. When the mouse finally made it to the elephant, the elephant said, "Please Mr. Mouse, if you save me I'll be your best friend forever." The mouse agreed, and told the elephant to wait just a second. The mouse came back in his corvette, tied a rope around the elephant, and pulled him out.

A few days later the mouse was walking through the jungle when all of a sudden, he fell into a hole. The mouse yelled for help, and soon that same elephant that he had saved just a few days earlier came to the rescue. The mouse said to the elephant, "Remember me? I'm that same mouse that pulled you out of a hole. Could you please help me?" The elephant agreed to help him. The elephant did not have a corvette, so he just dropped his wiener down in the hole. The mouse climbed up the elephant's wiener and was safe.

Moral of a story (highlight to read): If you have a big dick, you don't need a corvette.

You can substitute corvette for any vehicle

[Jaxsz]

i'd tell a joke about my dick but it'd be way too long

[endersblade]

Edit: Blah, realized I posted it a few pages back >.>

[Kinro]

Don't know if this one has been posted yet, but props to a guildy for telling me it.

Two rednecks brought home a puzzle one day, and sat down to solve it.

A week later, they finished the puzzle.

"Well, that didn't take so durn long," said one of them.

"Naw, it didn't. 'Specially considering it says 3-5 years on the box."

[Adonkavic]

There are 2 cops investigating a crime scene in mexico where a murder has just taken place. the first cop says to the second cop, "Well it looks like the victim was shot with a golf gun." The second cop asks "What the hell is a golf gun?" The first cop replies "I don't know, but it put a hole in Juan"

[Arkuri]

Grabbed this off the wall from my fathers computer lab when I helped him one weekend some 7-8 years ago.

The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

[Zoma]

A witch lived in the forest with her pet toad. Using magic, she taught the toad how to speak, as well as how to use magic itself. One day, she told the toad to go out into the forest, and grant three wishes to the first beings it saw.

The toad wandered the forest, and eventually saw a bear chasing a rabbit. The toad stopped them, and told them he'd give them three wishes, using his magic so that they'd understand him and vise versa.

"I wish every bear in the forest was female, except me" the bear said immediately.

"It is done" said the toad.

"I wish for a motorcycle" said the rabbit.

A motorcycle appeared. "It is done" said the toad.

"I wish all the bears in the forest next to us were female" said the bear.

"I wish for a helmet" said the rabbit.

"Both are done" said the toad.

"I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me" said the bear.

"It is done" said the toad.

The rabbit put on his helmet, got onto the motorcycle, revved the engine, then said "I wish the bear was gay" and rode off.

[Itolar]

Just to clarify, if you are not from Europe, gypsies are the most thievish people.
One little boy was from a mixed marriage, a father jew and gypsy mother. One day the boy went to his father and asked him:
- Dad, am i a jew or a gypsy?
The father said:
- I am a jew, so you are jew too.
The boy went to his mather and asked her:
- Mom, am i a jew or a gypsy?
The mother said:
- Son, i gave birth to you, so there is no doubt that you are a gypsy, why are you asking?
and the boy answered:
- I saw a bicycle on the street and now i am wondering whether to steal it or sell it.




A thief break into a house. And a strange voice comes from the darkness.
- I see you, and Jesus sees you.
The thief stops for a moment, tries to find out where the voice is coming from. After a while he gives up and goes on with the stealing but the voice again:
- I see you, and Jesus sees you.
This time the thief ignores the voice and continue, but the voice again:
- I see you, and Jesus sees you.
The thief gets really mad and switch on the light of the room. And to his great surprise he sees a parrot.
- Oh you are a parrot, you scared me ... What's your name?
- Gavril
- That's not a name for a parrot!
- Neither is Jesus a name for a doberman, but look at him how he is staring at you ...