(Race Idea Part 1 of 3) The Shada'in, the shadow ones

[Bmfstunner]

Please don't bother posting the other two parts.

This isn't WoW, this is shitty fanfiction.

This is why the MMO-Community stinks, critical and condescending, never respectful and never ever positive.

I like your idea, truth be told we know the legion has destroyed other worlds. It's a unique thought, to get a better idea of what worlds and races they destroyed.

[The Madgod]

Okay, for a proper critique then:

This one is purely personal preference but when talking about a race, I prefer to use third person, rather than first person. It allows you to have a more efficient summary of what the race is about as well as remove the possibility of a subjective viewpoint tainting the message.

Again a bit more of a personal preference thing, but I don't like the notable Titan and Old God connections. They seem too deliberate and I really honestly don't like their overuse in Warcraft. Sometimes, stuff should be interesting because it's interesting, not because a Titan or Old God had a hand in it.

Then the bit with the character taking up the Titan's sword (however the hell he did that I have no clue, that blade'd probably be one hundred times his size, minimum) and then slaying the Old God seems straight out of an anime. It seems unrealistic that this would turn out that way. Then the guy having a showdown with Sargeras seems on a similar level of anime-style storytelling. Don't get me wrong, I love anime... but by and large, the writing isn't that good. It's made up for by the typically awesome worldbuilding that happens as well as the action.

Your government seems somewhat... strange, at least to me. It sounds like you might be trying to replicate the Republic of Rome. They had a 40 man senate and under times of extreme threat to the Republic they would appoint a supreme leader who was in charge during the time of crisis. After the crisis was dealt with, the leader would resign from the position and return power to the senate. So it sounds like you're sort of making a mix of that, in a way. Sort of like the Dark Council of TOR's Empire. Perhaps that would be a better fit. Each seat on the council deals with a specific matter, but the leader has ultimate authority. You might also want to flesh out your system for crime and punishment. Is it just a typical trial by jury deal? If not, how does the court function? How do court cases go? That's stuff that you can flesh out and make something interesting out of.

Like I said in an earlier paragraph, you might want to tone down your leader. He seems a bit too powerful.

I'm curious as to how the shaman aspect of their culture works and especially how its reconciled with its now more mage-dominated culture. That could be very interesting if you flesh it out. They're not exactly similar styles of magic (or culture, for that matter).

As for a lot of the shadow-based classes... you are aware that the Shadow in WoW is a destructive force, yes? It's the antithesis of the Light, which is a benevolent, healing power, yet powerful against evil. Having druids infused with it seems counter intuitive to me. Personally if I were designing this race, I would keep it squarely with warriors (your shadow knights), rogues (infiltrators), shaman, priests (mainly focusing on Shadow spec), and magi.

I also am finding myself agreeing with the rest of the people here about the space station bit. If they aren't really a tech-based society, it seems far-fetched for them to be able to properly maintain this station as well as steer it and use its systems properly. I can understand the reasoning behind wanting it though. How are they supposed to leave their planet if they don't have that technology? It seems like you sort of wrote yourself into a hole with that. Perhaps the Naaru don't just offer rides to the draenei?

Overall, some aspects of the concept require retooling. Other parts are rather interesting. I suggest that you take some of the criticism in this thread (healthy or not), and potentially strip away a bit of the fat here and build up the aspects people seem to like. Ultimately though you should keep it true to your vision. I wouldn't necessarily ignore the criticism, however. All in all, I can't say I didn't find myself intrigued and liking bits of it.

[Traveler Voltin]

I already began recreating some parts of the lore. The titan sword part think of it more like sargeras's sword that broke into 2 pieces only instead of 2 its 100s to 1000s pieces. He killed the old god becaused it was weakened enough from fighting the rian.

[Echocho]

Stopped reading at "the shadow ones". Awful, just awful.

[Mic_128]

Background.
*random soldier begins speaking to Vol'jin and Varian.*

The draenei may have been the first to flee from the Burning legion but they were not the only ones. The legion destroyed our home world 2000 years ago. They destroyed everything in sight; they crushed our empire and the other 2 strongest empires with ease. We were forced to flee. Before i get ahead of myself i will let our leader explain everything.

*Their leader begins to speak.*

I am Cartan the leader of the Shada'in, the shadow ones. Our planet Isarin was once a beautiful place before the legion came. Now it’s nothing but a waste land.

Now to start from the beginning

Just a writing tip, but don't do this. You've stopped and started twice. Even once is 'eh'.

Also doesn't make sense why a random soldier would start explaining their race to a foreign leader when their own leader is standing right there.

Oh, and I have to say the idea that the Titans would only send one guy to fight an Old God pretty unbelievable when it took the entire pantheon to beat 5. Also the whole 'touched the sword and it shrunk down' bit pretty far-fetched too.

[Traveler Voltin]

Just a writing tip, but don't do this. You've stopped and started twice. Even once is 'eh'.

Also doesn't make sense why a random soldier would start explaining their race to a foreign leader when their own leader is standing right there.

Oh, and I have to say the idea that the Titans would only send one guy to fight an Old God pretty unbelievable when it took the entire pantheon to beat 5. Also the whole 'touched the sword and it shrunk down' bit pretty far-fetched too.

i am redoing the beginning. so its whatever.

i will be explaining more about it but i will spoil it now. the old god arrived on the planet to heal(was fleeing a loss against another old god) but when he started the war he wasnt at 100% more like 40%. he also never expected the titans to show up.

- - - Updated - - -

Okay, for a proper critique then:

This one is purely personal preference but when talking about a race, I prefer to use third person, rather than first person. It allows you to have a more efficient summary of what the race is about as well as remove the possibility of a subjective viewpoint tainting the message.

Again a bit more of a personal preference thing, but I don't like the notable Titan and Old God connections. They seem too deliberate and I really honestly don't like their overuse in Warcraft. Sometimes, stuff should be interesting because it's interesting, not because a Titan or Old God had a hand in it.

Then the bit with the character taking up the Titan's sword (however the hell he did that I have no clue, that blade'd probably be one hundred times his size, minimum) and then slaying the Old God seems straight out of an anime. It seems unrealistic that this would turn out that way. Then the guy having a showdown with Sargeras seems on a similar level of anime-style storytelling. Don't get me wrong, I love anime... but by and large, the writing isn't that good. It's made up for by the typically awesome worldbuilding that happens as well as the action.

Your government seems somewhat... strange, at least to me. It sounds like you might be trying to replicate the Republic of Rome. They had a 40 man senate and under times of extreme threat to the Republic they would appoint a supreme leader who was in charge during the time of crisis. After the crisis was dealt with, the leader would resign from the position and return power to the senate. So it sounds like you're sort of making a mix of that, in a way. Sort of like the Dark Council of TOR's Empire. Perhaps that would be a better fit. Each seat on the council deals with a specific matter, but the leader has ultimate authority. You might also want to flesh out your system for crime and punishment. Is it just a typical trial by jury deal? If not, how does the court function? How do court cases go? That's stuff that you can flesh out and make something interesting out of.

Like I said in an earlier paragraph, you might want to tone down your leader. He seems a bit too powerful.

I'm curious as to how the shaman aspect of their culture works and especially how its reconciled with its now more mage-dominated culture. That could be very interesting if you flesh it out. They're not exactly similar styles of magic (or culture, for that matter).

As for a lot of the shadow-based classes... you are aware that the Shadow in WoW is a destructive force, yes? It's the antithesis of the Light, which is a benevolent, healing power, yet powerful against evil. Having druids infused with it seems counter intuitive to me. Personally if I were designing this race, I would keep it squarely with warriors (your shadow knights), rogues (infiltrators), shaman, priests (mainly focusing on Shadow spec), and magi.

I also am finding myself agreeing with the rest of the people here about the space station bit. If they aren't really a tech-based society, it seems far-fetched for them to be able to properly maintain this station as well as steer it and use its systems properly. I can understand the reasoning behind wanting it though. How are they supposed to leave their planet if they don't have that technology? It seems like you sort of wrote yourself into a hole with that. Perhaps the Naaru don't just offer rides to the draenei?

Overall, some aspects of the concept require retooling. Other parts are rather interesting. I suggest that you take some of the criticism in this thread (healthy or not), and potentially strip away a bit of the fat here and build up the aspects people seem to like. Ultimately though you should keep it true to your vision. I wouldn't necessarily ignore the criticism, however. All in all, I can't say I didn't find myself intrigued and liking bits of it.

i actually wanted to use 3rd person but i when i started writing it ended up in 1st.

i am already redoing the titan and old god stuff to try ti fit better. like someone just the titan ship be used as a last resort but not have the people in it or studying it before hand. i might put it the main 2 races at the time just built towns around it to guard it from other races who might study and use the tech for evil.

explained the sword thing in another post.

i thought i said that the leader may have total power but he lets the council do everything. he prefers to only leader when he has too. He spends most of his time either training the military, relaxing, or visiting towns to talk to his people.

yes and no on his strength. i will figure out how to explain it better.

yeah i need to work on their shamans.

there not really the same kind of druids that are on azeroth. which i need to explain better.

like i said earlier. i am redoing the titan ship. yeah i wanted to avoid using the naaru because i rather not be yelled at for "making a slight copy of Draenei" though i might add that a naaru died on the planet.

i will be rewriting things later. i am criticism better then my last idea i posted here(wasnt a race) it is also helping for the other 2 races. the next one is going to break the whole big muscle=just brute force. though the all female race will be tricky.

- - - Updated - - -

Just had an idea. Just wanted to check if it was good or bad. Lets say before the background starts there is minor skirmish that then leads to the leaders actually talking.

[Verdugo]

Inspired by "Mass Effect" really? Less that shitty space opera spreads the better.

[Traveler Voltin]

The all female race, that i havent gotten to yet, has 2 ways to reproduce and 1 of the ways envolves killing. So dont be an ass

[Mic_128]

explained the sword thing in another post.

You can explain it all you want, it's still a bad idea.

[Traveler Voltin]

You can explain it all you want, it's still a bad idea.

Naaru and gems ships

[Mic_128]

And Blizzard themselves have admitted that the 'gem ships' was a bad idea, being too sci-fi-ish.

Comparing your bad idea to one that's been acknowledged as a bad idea is also a bad idea.

[Traveler Voltin]

They lost the "too sci fi" crap when they intoduced titans

[Scabior]

Really lame, sorry.

Also try not to act so hostile in every reply it's disheartening.

[Traveler Voltin]

Really lame, sorry.

Also try not to act so hostile in every reply it's disheartening.

well thats your opinion.

[Deleted]

Yeah sorry bro, but no.

[Traveler Voltin]

Yeah sorry bro, but no.

ok. i am getting tired of people just say no. state the damn reasons for the no or just dont respond at all.

[Traveler Voltin]

if anyone stills cares about this. i just updated it with the new lore. i wanted to post it last week but had to start cleaning the house and also fix it some spots.

[lightofdawn]

Really lame, sorry.

Also try not to act so hostile in every reply it's disheartening.

basically this. maybe people would see fit to give advice rather than straight up criticism if you proved you could actually handle either one
OT:
i didnt read too in depth on the post, but i got the gist, it just seems too spacey for wow... yeah draenei and gem ships are a thing *a very small thing at that*
saying that you could get away with having a bad idea because blizzard also had a similar bad idea and admitted it is just dumb and ignorant.
fiery hair would be a bitch to animate, also it doesn't make sense as to why it's there in the first place
we got enough elves without a home as it is, we don't need more

A for effort, but a C-/D for execution.

[Traveler Voltin]

Why was this even revived? Its out of date and i gave up on it awhile ago

[lightofdawn]

Why was this even revived? Its out of date and i gave up on it awhile ago

if the links in ur sig people are gonna click it brah. u should probly take it out