Girl problem and smoking

[Bairyhalls]

My GF told me, while we were still dating, that she liked me and all, but if we ever were to go further than dating, i had to give up smoking. i told her, fine, but i want something in return then. An eye for an eye so to say. I have to give up something i like, and so does she. What we agreed on is not appropriate on MMO-C, but im sure you can think of something she finds anoying about you, and tell her, that youll stop that, if she doesnt start smoking.

EDIT: To make my point more clear: Its not appropriate to try and change your partner, without allowing her to change a little on yourself as well. We all have little flaws, our SO finds anoying/unattractive. While it may not be as much a deal-breaker as what you describes smoking to be, it may be something worth of notice. And sacrificing something you care about for her better, also shows her that you really do care about her, and aint just up to changing her, but willing to change yourself as well, for the better.

[ryoukthebloodelf]

was she underage during your relationship? b/c this kinda implies it and i would suggest leaving out details like that just in case

[Fraza]

Recently my girlfriend turned 18 she wanted to smoke a cig, now that she can legally. I harshly disagreed with this idea, she on the other hand, thought i was being rude and says one wont do any harm. She has smoked about 4-5 times previous to our relationship and apparently didnt get addicted.

Wa-wa-wait, do I get this right - she wants to smoke 1 cigarette and you make such fuss about it?

[Institoris]

I had a dilemma similar to this about a year ago with my long time girlfriend. When I first started going out with her I did make it clear to her I do not appreciate smoking and that I would be extremely unhappy if she took it up again (she was smoking when she was 15 or so, she had a troubled upbringing).

Further down the track we were both out with a good friend of mine and we were drinking at a pub a bit after we both turned 18 (Australian drinking age). He's a heavy smoker and just out of my own curiosity I decided I would take a cigarette he offered me and give it a try. This coming from me is quite ridiculous seeing as I'm strongly against smoking and always have been. She took one too and it was quite an experience.

I disliked more or less everything about it. Even so, it was adventurous and it was a life experience I'm glad to have had. My point is that sometimes you just need to relax a little. Nothing came out of this night. Neither of us smoke and both of us find the concept of regular smoking appalling. I personally say just let things go as they do.

And yes, you are being controlling. Let her do as she sees fit, if you dislike it make it clear. Do remember though that you can't tell anyone what they can and can't do, especially in a relationship, that can easily constitute abuse.

[hoonboof]

That made no sense... So if you took a decision your partner would hate/dislike, your partner just had to get over it and live with it?

It's a matter of personal opinions! Who says you are a pussy if you don't wanna live with another person who has habits you don't like? It goes both ways by the way...

It's her body, her decision, not his.

[DavidGX]

Google image search lunch cancer. Show her the pictures.

[Fraza]

Btw, OP, perhaps you can find hookah as an acceptable solution? I'm strongly against smoking cigarettes myself yet I chill out smoking hookah once in a while. It doesn't leave the smell, it's less dangerous and it doesn't get addictive. Besides it's more social so you're not smoking out of necessity, you're smoking to have a good time.

Go visit some hookah lounges (more than one, in my experience only 50% of them are any good) to try it out. She can do the 18yo stuff that way.

[Nbcall]

It is merely a cigarette - you are both blowing the issue well out of proportion.

This, 1,000 times this.

[Dunee]

Well, I would agree with you.. just tell her that you wont make out with her with smokers breath.. tell her that sure she can try it but make it obvious to her how much you are against it.. and to be honest, you can't stop her if she wants.

[Marath]

You can list the pros and cons all you like but they are not going to make a difference. What exactly is making her want to smoke? do her friends smoke? her parents? people she works with?

There has to be some reason behind it, smoking is not something that is seen in society to be an attractive thing so she must be getting it from her contemporaries somehow. Lord knows that starting smoking takes almost as much effort as quitting... your body does not appreciate the first time you inhale smoke like that, it will turn most people off on its own.

Anyway, yeah... you cant get her to quit no matter what you do, the only time her or anyone else will stop doing that or anything that is deemed to be an addiction or bad habbit is when THEY want to. Quitting for someone else does not work, quitting because of an ultimatum does not work and if anything they will cause her to do it secretly which in turn will cause more problems than it solves. You don't have to support her in her decision to smoke but she is the only one in control of stopping it. If you love her then you will accept it, if its too much then you will break up.

P.S. she is not addicted, she would be smoking much more than 4-5 times prior to your relationship if she was an addict. Unless ofcourse your relationship started on saturday and the 4-5 times happened on friday when you met her... then... who knows.

[Gilian]

You seriously argued 4 hours about smoking a cigarette? You are 18 years old not a married couple.

It is really simple, you say what you think about it but you don't force her to not smoke. She is 18 years old ffs.

[Aamu]

Ive had a boyfriend who dissliked my smoking.
Dont know how long you 2 been together, but for us is was just a matter of talking it trough.

Im guessing in our situation the fact that I dont smoke often, and have no problem beign without a smoke,
specially when he was around.. kinda helped much.

You dont have to like everything she does. I concider this, based on the fights we had about other stuffs ,
as a minor thing to fight about. What harm does it do to YOU if she tryes out stupid habits like smoking a cigaret?

And what it comes to this promise she made, I think from your side you can just, turn your back to her if she starts doing this while your around.
let her really know its disappointing you. sometimes words just dont cut it. you really need to show how you feel too.

In the end, if the smoking is so big deal for you, and you'll see that shes not stopping it, as in she chooses to smoke over to be with you..
then I dont think shes all that great and you gonna have to think about it, do you love her, even if she's a smoker...

This is just an endless arque waiting for its moment to pop up again. You either accept. or you dont.

[Voij]

Smoking isn't a small thing. If he doesn't like it, he has no reason to put up with it. Imagine the following later down line in their relationship:

1. Terrible breath
2. Yellow gross teeth
3. Horrible odor
4. Wanting to smoke near you and in your car
5. Stinking up your house/furniture/sheets
6. Developing cancer
7. Developing a heart condition

The list goes on...

If my girlfriend decided to do all of the above things to herself FOR NO REASON, I'd drop her in a heartbeat. I don't need to deal with any of that, and she shouldn't expect anyone to. The fact that she fought about it just makes her seem even more idiotic.

Also to all the smokers, I really don't think you guys realize how putrid you smell. How can a non-smoker be attracted to that?

Uhm... you seem to have missed the later part of my post? I was saying that she might actually have a reason aside from the "because I can", which the OP should look for, should it exist.
Because, to be fair, if somebody knows the dangers of smoking, which roughly 90% of the people in civilised countries do, then one should be able to expect that there's a deeper reason behind somebody wishing to smoke.

It really just seems that you are a bit prejudiced when it comes to smoking, thus ignoring everything but the fact that she thinks about starting to smoke. Which she doesn't even, at least so far. [Somebody who wants to drink a glass of wine is not aiming to be an alcoholic either, if you catch my drift.]

PS: Non-smokers don't love others because they smoke, but rather even though they smoke.

[shocktopuslol]

i would just let her do it if she wants but if it gets out of hand and starts to affect you, thats when you need to put your foot down.

as for my stance on the issue, i do not approve of smoking, but i am not against it either, i smoke with friends and when i am offered one but i do not go out of my way to get cigarettes

[shögon]

oO smoking is so evil these days. pfft!

this doesnt really sound like it just about smoking, its about you trying to control her. your getting all worked up over someone smoking a cig. you talk about morals and promises etc, man grow up a little yourself. worse things will come in life, trust me. she has just turned 18, most people at that age need to find things out for themselves, you know, experience life. which will including dating other people then her pestering current boyfriend who thinks his morals are so important. its not like you just found out shes been smoking some dudes pole, so if you want to stay with her, let it go.

so your choice is yours:
a) dump her because you cant control her and cant except that she is growing up and experimenting with new things
b) except that you have to take the good with the bad when your in a relationship

im tending to think your going to choose a for now, but later in life, you will realise that b is a better choice.

[Deleted]

smokin is bad, i know since i'm smokin'...
stinks, makes u an addict, costs shitload of money, and everythime u fail to quit u think bad about urself...

[Deleted]

It is merely a cigarette - you are both blowing the issue well out of proportion.

I am in agreement with Miatela

[Fraza]

PS: Non-smokers don't love others because they smoke, but rather even though they smoke.

I like my girls like a freshly coated road - hot and smelling like tar.

[lonedrifter]

I honestly think it's not that big of a deal, especially if the smoking doesn't become a habit. I understand smoking just for the hell of it. I'm 23 and i've had a couple cigars and cigarette's in my life time, but i've never gotten addicted and those occasions were long and far apart. I don't particularly like the smell of smoke either, but i was one of those people who tried it at 18 for the hell of it~~ Bottom line is, it's fine that you told her how you felt about it, but you really shouldn't be overly assertive, if she wants to make that choice she probably is regardless of what you say as people do not just change on a whim so easily. Arguing over it is going to get you nowhere and will only cause more problems than it will solve. Again, one cigarette is not going to kill and it's effects will most likely be very temporary at best. I say let her do it if she is going to, but if it becomes a habit then you may want to be more assertive on how you feel~~ well that's my two-cents, take it for what it's worth~

[Gilian]

If she's that set on voluntarily harming herself, don't you think there's more nonsense down the road?

Honestly though, if she's not addicted and knows it's a huge turnoff for you, then she's clearly a selfish bitch that doesn't care about your relationship. Simply give her an ultimatum and say you'll leave her if she decides to pick up smoking for no apparent reason. If she does it anyway, move on and chalk it up as a loss. She obviously wouldn't be worth your time. It may be a hard thing to do if you're attached, but it would be best since she doesn't seem to have any consideration for you.

Also, in my humble little opinion it sounds like your relationship is destined to fail anyway if something so insignificant is causing a rift between you.

She is 18 years old, you idiot, do you really think that this 'relationship' is so important? You know what you suggest is really unhealthy, especially for 18 year old kids.

Jesus, if she wants to smoke a cigarette to just try it or whatever, who cares. She is young and wants to explore things and you shouldn't force her to do whatever you want by threathening to leave her. Relationships are about giving and taking and not about ultimatums to force someone for your own benefit.
And if you give her an ultimatum because "clearly she is a selfish bitch" maybe you should end it right away instead. Do you think she will have consideration for you after you give an ultimatum?