Obsessive gaming - How to handle it?

[Deleted]

Having been there, the whole "he seems not to care" just screams depression to me.

I wouldn't really know, just speaking what I think, hopefully, it's not depression.

Well, before coming to the UK (where we live alone and have to make new friends) he still played a lot, but he did go out and see friends and friends came over to visit too. His GF understands that he loves playing but he is also the type of guy who sometimes didnt touch a computer and did things with his GF. He certainly did have great quality time with her, otherwise they wouldnt be together for over 4 years.

I suspect he has a depression of some sort, but cannot figure out what. It also doesnt make complete sense because he doesnt stop being productive, he is healthy and well... if it was crystal clear I wouldn't be here making this post

Well, gf of 4 years, and doesn't speak to her? I am more inclined now to believe he has something wrong.

Like I said, make an intervention, gather the family, friends, gf, and who ever is in his life, and make a conversation with him, with all those people present, figure some topic to discuss and then get to the point where, you all, ask him what's wrong with him.

With many people, he will see how much everyone loves him, care for him and wants to see him well.

[Zigzagzoom]

Many depressed ppl can maintain a job and some social identity others cannot. Ppl can go on for a very long time in a depressive state. In a non confrontational manner gently point out that you have over time noticed these changes to his personality and lifestyle. Offer an ear tell him you do this out of concern and caring. You might do some research on counselors he would have access to. Free mental health ect. Or good psychologist if he has insurance. Have these resources available. A gentle push to speak to professional or family or friend may help him a great deal.

[Laurathansal]

Intervention is going to be hard, as we moved to the UK. There's no family apart from me. He seems happy to be here as well, because I have asked him and he clearly stated "I never want to go back, im much better here". He wants his GF to come over though. He is just happy to be here because salaries in our home country are 3 times lower than here, and he can live his simple life here without many concerns.

As said anyway, intervention only if done online. Maybe i could arrange for a Skype meeting together with our father (he's coming along on the 17th of December).

[TEHPALLYTANK]

Have you tried simply talking to him? Seems like he may just be tired of contact with people, different people have different tolerances. Social contact for some is very taxing and can simply be stressful to the point of it not being worth engaging in. If you do talk to him make sure you listen to him rather than just complain(To him it may just simply like you're complaining at him if you don't focus on listening to him). I agree that it is not normal but the reason for it is still unknown.

[Immitis]

He is clearly not anti social. When friends do come over, or when he has the chance to see his friends, he spends time with them a lot. True, a lot of those times are spent playing, but i dont see a problem with that. Heck, I was addicted to gaming at certain points of my life (still am to a certain extent, damn WoW) but I never stopped being social. I think wanting to be alone and just enjoying moments with yourself playing is one of life's pleasures these days, but the fact is, he is going to an extreme. No one should stop talking to his family, especially when he has such a loving and caring one like ours, and also great friends who are actually worried sick because he stopped communicating.

do you know what hes playing or how hes playing? maybe hes doing something that takes alot of time investment (ie the insane title on wow)

[Deleted]

Intervention is going to be hard, as we moved to the UK. There's no family apart from me. He seems happy to be here as well, because I have asked him and he clearly stated "I never want to go back, im much better here". He wants his GF to come over though. He is just happy to be here because salaries in our home country are 3 times lower than here, and he can live his simple life here without many concerns.

As said anyway, intervention only if done online. Maybe i could arrange for a Skype meeting together with our father (he's coming along on the 17th of December).

Well, to me, it seems that he likes how his life is. The only, visible, problem is that he wants his GF to join him.

I don't know but for some reason, I think he's just giving up on everyone because he doesn't want to leave the UK, you know? Even if that's the case, I don't understand why he just doesn't say that, you should speak to him regardless.

do you know what hes playing or how hes playing? maybe hes doing something that takes alot of time investment (ie the insane title on wow)

It doesn't really matter what he's playing, he's playing games, that can take as much time as a game like WoW.

[Laurathansal]

Just for info, i made some changes on the initial post. Just some info on him before coming here, basically:

- He lies a lot. Small lies, big lies, he has concealed things in the past that were very serious. I should have probably mentioned this in the first place. To me this indicates that maybe he has a weakness and lies to cover it.

- His GF is away in Japan studying. But there are plans for her to maybe join him. Nothing but plans so far im afraid...

[Immitis]

Just for info, i made some changes on the initial post. Just some info on him before coming here, basically:

- He lies a lot. Small lies, big lies, he has concealed things in the past that were very serious. I should have probably mentioned this in the first place. To me this indicates that maybe he has a weakness and lies to cover it.

- His GF is away in Japan studying. But there are plans for her to maybe join him. Nothing but plans so far im afraid...

you said he hasnt talked to his gf in like 3 weeks do you know if anything happened between them or if one of them did something?

[Deleted]

If he concealed serious things in the past, then he has done or witnessed something that made him the way he is now.

I still think you should have a talk with him.

[Laurathansal]

you said he hasnt talked to his gf in like 3 weeks do you know if anything happened between them or if one of them did something?

No idea, that's why Im having a chat with him tonight. My problem is that I have lived with this for too many years, and maybe i got accustomed to this type of behavior. It takes someone from the outside to realize what's going on exactly.

[ImpTaimer]

With your controller of choice... no not that one!

[Immitis]

No idea, that's why Im having a chat with him tonight. My problem is that I have lived with this for too many years, and maybe i got accustomed to this type of behavior. It takes someone from the outside to realize what's going on exactly.

well the fact that he seems to be able to work and sleep fine makes it seem like hes not addicted but the fact that he hasnt spoken to his girlfriend makes it seem like something happened between them and hes just playing the games to fill the void in his life or to distract him. doesnt seem like it would be something caused by his friends or family since thats usually something you would confide to your partner.

[Sarella]

A Functioning Alcholic is still an alcoholic - the same could be said if he is addicted to gaming.

As for how he is functioning, are you sure he still has a job? If you say he's not been in contact with his girlfriend for 3 weeks who's to say he actually goes to work?
You also need to learn if he is addicted to a specific game/expansion because it could be a temporary thing (such as the stupid insane title) which would require a different approach to something on a long term scale (such as gw2). Ultimately, you already know that gaming addiction has so far not been detrimental to his wellbeing (or do you?)

I'd love to offer some advice but you yourself have not been forthcoming with an overview and we're trying to guess, which is very bad (especially when someone's psychological wellbeing is at stake).

Ultimately, I will say this: It's not your fault for being slow to spot this and it's not your responsibility to fix this. All you can do is offer support. Don't believe because his parents are across the pond that you are a surrogate mother. You must act like you would if your parents are present because otherwise you will suffer. Good luck regardless, but I have no evidence that anything is wrong simply because of a lack of cohesive information and it's not my place to ask a few questions to get to the bottom of it.

[Kheirn]

This is not obsessive gaming and should not be grouped up with such a condition. This isn't a matter of addiction, it's a matter of mental health and attitude towards life.

To me it sounds like he has lost the will to socialise and be with/care about others. Usually when you enter a deep depressive state, all care for people around you is completely lost. That girlfriend you love to death becomes nothing, the will to love goes away. All feelings get quenched during a depression, happiness goes out the window. It sounds to me like he's playing games just to phase out, he doesn't want to be with other people and when gaming you can choose to be alone. I've been there myself.

It's not really something you can help with as someone outside, what would help is if he went to a psychologist, that's what helped me. Sure, I had a complete mental breakdown first, but that's what got me to go.

Addiction is one thing, mental issues is another. Gaming is just a form of venting. Take away his games and he'll just find something else.

[Rukentuts]

A Functioning Alcholic is still an alcoholic - the same could be said if he is addicted to gaming.

However, one has to be careful about abruptly cutting off his supply of "alcohol" or he could emotionally implode and cease to function.

[Deleted]

However, one has to be careful about abruptly cutting off his supply of "alcohol" or he could emotionally implode and cease to function.

Yeah, if you're obsessed with something, cutting that something is bad, it needs to be cut down slowly.

Also, OP, since you said that he lies, and did on serious things, and someone else mentioned it too, is it possible that he lied about getting promoted or even having a job?

[Laurathansal]

Apologies for not being completely clear. I wrote this post while at work and not thinkint it through properly.

To sum it up: He spends all his free time playing. He doesnt follow up on his house duties. He stopped communicating with friends and family to the point that they are all worried sick and contacting me for help. In the past he dropped out of 2 universities (even lying that he was still attending one of them when he wasnt, for almost 2 years). I brought him to the UK knowing the problem partially and thinking that the fact that having a job which pays enough would help him grow up and feel better. So far I do not see any changes, and now this sudden lack of communication seems to show that the problem is worse.

My conclusions so far from my own head and from reading and hearing other people's opinions are that a 100% cut with videogaming would make things worse. I dont think playing videogames is bad, i just think he is doing it to forget something. I will try to motivate him into getting out of this situation, showing him that people are worried and they want him back to his normal self. Hopefully this will have some effect.

Thanks for the help so far.

[Deleted]

If he quit Uni and kept that lie for over 2 years, then it's very possible that he is lying about him having a job or getting promoted, either way, try not to be angry, just try to find out if that's the case.

[Laurathansal]

Yeah, if you're obsessed with something, cutting that something is bad, it needs to be cut down slowly.

Also, OP, since you said that he lies, and did on serious things, and someone else mentioned it too, is it possible that he lied about getting promoted or even having a job?

It is possible yes. I will get into that tonight. It is also one of my fears.

[Vantas]

Honestly, I would try and talk with him about it, instead of getting too much ahead of yourself. You're his sister so he cares deep down about you and if you really are genuine in approaching him he will probably take the time and respond, he may try and avoid confrontation so just be easy about it, you don't want to push too hard. Life is hard for everyone and sometimes we find things that make us happy/content - to avoid confrontation of stresses/underlying problems which can then be a vice/addiction over time.

Best thing to do is try and still talk to him little by little, that's my advice - eventually he'll break down and talk but don't over push him or show him negative emotional support, he will just keep doing what he is doing but worse because he has to figure out on his own / have a mental breakthrough that he can leave whenever he wants (leave games).