Well, she's gone.

[Melanieshaman]

Thank you, I hope everything works out well for you too. You certainly deserve it

aww thank you very much... that just adds to my smile. My GF is waking up and then she's gonna call me.. I love hearing her sweet voice

[rnbwtrout]

Tonight, it seems that the girl I loved for 3 years, who I gave everything, decided to leave me. She says she loves me, but she is not sure why anymore. It started with her listening to a presentation regarding abusive relationships.

there are very bad relationships that women should get out of immediately. then there are women who's idea of what a bad relationship is, is totally askew. your girl may be one of the latter. once that poison seeps into your relationship, it is surely doomed. you're better off going your own way.

i was involved with this girl once. her best friend's mother was your typical always-in-abusive-relationships type woman: divorced a number of times, beaten on, miserable, etc. i only had to spend one evening with this sad mother and daughter and the negative energy was enough to fill up a lifetime. i told my gf that the vibes her best friend and mother gave off were not very healthy or positive and that she should limit her time with people like that.

well, i guess she relayed that back to those miserable people and they turned that into signs of "controlling" behavior, with "abusiveness" sure to follow. simple conversational questions turned into arguments over "controlling" and "intruding" behavior. i could clearly see the negative energy like a cloud building larger and larger above her. every time i pleaded with her to break off her relationship with those miserable people, it only reinforced my "controlling" behavior to her.

i did eventually become physical with her. we'd had another huge argument and my frustration level was at an all time high. we stopped at our place and i told her to get out of the car. she replied back with that poisonous, "don't tell me what to do," remark. i reached over and opened her door and shoved her out. that was the first and most physical i ever got with her. we didn't last long after that and i got my sanity back.

[Deleted]

there are very bad relationships that women should get out of immediately. then there are women who's idea of what a bad relationship is, is totally askew. your girl may be one of the latter. once that poison seeps into your relationship, it is surely doomed. you're better off going your own way.

i was involved with this girl once. her best friend's mother was your typical always-in-abusive-relationships type woman: divorced a number of times, beaten on, miserable, etc. i only had to spend one evening with this sad mother and daughter and the negative energy was enough to fill up a lifetime. i told my gf that the vibes her best friend and mother gave off were not very healthy or positive and that she should limit her time with people like that.

well, i guess she relayed that back to those miserable people and they turned that into signs of "controlling" behavior, with "abusiveness" sure to follow. simple conversational questions turned into arguments over "controlling" and "intruding" behavior. i could clearly see the negative energy like a cloud building larger and larger above her. every time i pleaded with her to break off her relationship with those miserable people, it only reinforced my "controlling" behavior to her.

i did eventually become physical with her. we'd had another huge argument and my frustration level was at an all time high. we stopped at our place and i told her to get out of the car. she replied back with that poisonous, "don't tell me what to do," remark. i reached over and opened her door and shoved her out. that was the first and most physical i ever got with her. we didn't last long after that and i got my sanity back.

It's not your business to tell her who she's allowed to see and who she's not.

[Deleted]

I'm also not your average 19 year old. I'm young and dumb, yes, but my philosophy is more complex than anything most of the YOLO-ites of my age group can comprehend.

Everyone in the world thinks there different, that they don't confirm to the norm and that they are smarter.

---------- Post added 2013-05-08 at 12:50 AM ----------

It's not your business to tell her who she's allowed to see and who she's not.

Yet Women seem to enjoy doing the exact same thing.

People are fickle.

---------- Post added 2013-05-08 at 12:53 AM ----------

I was telling my new GF about this last night/this morning, and not to sound mean but, and she agreed with me, THREE years?! three? OK I get that at 19 three years can SEEM like a long time, but I got into a relationship at 18 and was in it til I was 26.

Got to love people who measure people's breakups and experiences compared to theirs and belittle them for it at every step of the way.

Nobody cares about you and your experiences in whatever you experiment yourself in. All it seemed to me is you tried measuring yourself up against this young soul and tried telling him "At least you don't have it so bad, buck up."

[Celista]

Got to love people who measure people's breakups and experiences compared to theirs and belittle them for it at every step of the way.

Nobody cares about you and your experiences in whatever you experiment yourself in. All it seemed to me is you tried measuring yourself up against this young soul and tried telling him "At least you don't have it so bad, buck up."

I agree. Also three years is a long time imo for someone under the age of 25. I think my relationships were all in the 3-4 month long range until I hit 20.

[Spectral]

The idea that three years isn't a long time is utterly nonsensical. It's the equivalent of saying that running 10 miles isn't much at all because other people run marathons.

[Windfury]

there are very bad relationships that women should get out of immediately. then there are women who's idea of what a bad relationship is, is totally askew.

How dare those women think for themselves? Bad is what you say it is, not what they think they are or aren't enjoying or what they are seeing as problems amirite?

i told my gf that the vibes her best friend and mother gave off were not very healthy or positive and that she should limit her time with people like that.

well, i guess she relayed that back to those miserable people and they turned that into signs of "controlling" behavior, with "abusiveness" sure to follow. simple conversational questions turned into arguments over "controlling" and "intruding" behavior. i could clearly see the negative energy like a cloud building larger and larger above her. every time i pleaded with her to break off her relationship with those miserable people, it only reinforced my "controlling" behavior to her.

i did eventually become physical with her. we'd had another huge argument and my frustration level was at an all time high. we stopped at our place and i told her to get out of the car. she replied back with that poisonous, "don't tell me what to do," remark. i reached over and opened her door and shoved her out. that was the first and most physical i ever got with her. we didn't last long after that and i got my sanity back.

So you were controlling, and eventually became physically abusive, and you're upset because her friends described you as a controlling person who might eventually become physically abusive?

Maybe it's your behaviour/attitude you need to think about if what you see as 'normal' is coming across to multiple other people as controlling.

[Deleted]

Just be careful if you're going to chase after her. Spent half a year and all of my savings on trying to repair a relationship from the unbroken end.

[Melanieshaman]

I can definitely see where you are coming from and I can't thank you enough or the effort you have taken to give me advice and support.

Got to love people who measure people's breakups and experiences compared to theirs and belittle them for it at every step of the way.

Nobody cares about you and your experiences in whatever you experiment yourself in. All it seemed to me is you tried measuring yourself up against this young soul and tried telling him "At least you don't have it so bad, buck up."

Seems to me he DID indeed appreciate what I had to say, and I said it for him, not for you or anyone else. I didn't belittle him, i was just trying to express that three years is a bit easier to get over than 7 or 13 years. And being SO young, and NOT being married it's a LITTLE easier to let go, and move on.

I wish him all the best, and hope he finds happiness... I am NOT the kind of person who talks down to anyone over something like that.

[Celista]

Seems to me he DID indeed appreciate what I had to say, and I said it for him, not for you or anyone else. I didn't belittle him, i was just trying to express that three years is a bit easier to get over than 7 or 13 years. And being SO young, and NOT being married it's a LITTLE easier to let go, and move on.

I wish him all the best, and hope he finds happiness... I am NOT the kind of person who talks down to anyone over something like that.

Imo it was an unnecessary comparison. I could counter that my grandparents were together since the age of 16 and and spent 60+ years together until my grandfather passed away, what is 7 or 13 years to over half a century? It would have had the same relevance.

I don't want to derail because you made other points but I agree w/Spectral that 3 years is a significant commitment for a young adult.

[Spectral]

I'll also note that time isn't anywhere near the sole defining factor in how hard it is to get over a lost relationship. I had a 2+ year relationship that I moved on from about a month later, not much worse for the wear. The difficulty of splitting was more than the difficult of the getting over. On the flip side, I had a summer fling (foreign student, worked in my lab for a summer), and I was just fucking crushed when she left, even though I knew it was coming. The extent of the meaning of a relationship isn't solely determined by length.

[Melanieshaman]

Imo it was an unnecessary comparison. I could counter that my grandparents were together since the age of 16 and and spent 60+ years together until my grandfather passed away, what is 7 or 13 years to over half a century? It would have had the same relevance.

I don't want to derail because you made other points but I agree w/Spectral that 3 years is a significant commitment for a young adult.

I also pointed out that i was in a 7 year relationship at 18 as well, young love is sweet, I get that. I wasn't really trying to say 3 years meant nothing, I'm just saying it's easier to recover from. And he wasn't married... not everyone, but to me marriage is meant to be a permanent bond (like my parents who have been married for 50+ years).

Agreed, I don't want to derail so I won't, and I apologize to the OP for going OT.

[Mojibake]

I also pointed out that i was in a 7 year relationship at 18 as well, young love is sweet, I get that. I wasn't really trying to say 3 years meant nothing, I'm just saying it's easier to recover from. And he wasn't married... not everyone, but to me marriage is meant to be a permanent bond (like my parents who have been married for 50+ years).

Agreed, I don't want to derail so I won't, and I apologize to the OP for going OT.

I thought your posts were mostly relevant, but that's mostly because its my break-up that you're comparing to. There were some things that I didn't put into the OP that were related to your story and that's why I appreciate it as much as I do. One example, GD verus Social anxiety.

---------- Post added 2013-05-08 at 01:55 AM ----------

I'll also note that time isn't anywhere near the sole defining factor in how hard it is to get over a lost relationship. I had a 2+ year relationship that I moved on from about a month later, not much worse for the wear. The difficulty of splitting was more than the difficult of the getting over. On the flip side, I had a summer fling (foreign student, worked in my lab for a summer), and I was just fucking crushed when she left, even though I knew it was coming. The extent of the meaning of a relationship isn't solely determined by length.

I agree with you. I like to think of it as intensity and duration. My relationship had high intensity and a fair duration, at least for my age. This makes it, to me, much harder to get over. I had a 5 month relationship with an ex I hated and got over her a week before we broke up (Did not cheat though). I had a 2 month relationship with a girl I really liked being with and that took a couple weeks to get over.

[Tychus]

I'm also not your average 19 year old.

They all say that. Quite a few of them actually believe it.

Ah, the arrogance of youth.

[rnbwtrout]

How dare those women think for themselves? Bad is what you say it is, not what they think they are or aren't enjoying or what they are seeing as problems amirite?

So you were controlling, and eventually became physically abusive, and you're upset because her friends described you as a controlling person who might eventually become physically abusive?

Maybe it's your behaviour/attitude you need to think about if what you see as 'normal' is coming across to multiple other people as controlling.

not once before or after her have i ever been accused of being controlling. for the record, i had no issues with any of her other friends and with the amount of time we spent with them, i'd say they had no issues with me either. the special case was only with this mother/daughter aberration.

so maybe there is such a thing as a jaded woman? maybe it's easier to believe that a woman who's had 3 divorces and a restraining order out on an ex-husband is more prone to see bad and to project that same paranoia onto her daughter and her daughter's friend?

[Spectral]

They all say that. Quite a few of them actually believe it.

Ah, the arrogance of youth.

By nature, some are right. Sure, I'm disinclined to believe any individual that claims to be atypical, given that there's not really any way to provide evidence, but the reality is that some people really are special.

[Windfury]

not once before or after her have i ever been accused of being controlling. for the record, i had no issues with any of her other friends and with the amount of time we spent with them, i'd say they had no issues with me either. the special case was only with this mother/daughter aberration.

so maybe there is such a thing as a jaded woman? maybe it's easier to believe that a woman who's had 3 divorces and a restraining order out on an ex-husband is more prone to see bad and to project that same paranoia onto her daughter and her daughter's friend?

Can you honestly not see how telling someone who they should associate with is controlling?

It's not a bunch of paranoid people just projecting. That is actually controlling behaviour.

Let's put it another way. Would you think it was fine if your girlfriend were to tell you to stop associating with your best mate because she doesn't like them?

[Deleted]

not once before or after her have i ever been accused of being controlling. for the record, i had no issues with any of her other friends and with the amount of time we spent with them, i'd say they had no issues with me either. the special case was only with this mother/daughter aberration.

so maybe there is such a thing as a jaded woman? maybe it's easier to believe that a woman who's had 3 divorces and a restraining order out on an ex-husband is more prone to see bad and to project that same paranoia onto her daughter and her daughter's friend?

Huh.. telling someone who they can be friends with is not controlling suddenly? ._.

[Mojibake]

By nature, some are right. Sure, I'm disinclined to believe any individual that claims to be atypical, given that there's not really any way to provide evidence, but the reality is that some people really are special.

Its the writer in me that I feel makes me somewhat different because that's more or less what I explore in my writing. I don't hold these lofty existential philosophies, but I do feel im slightly more mature than most people my age because of it. I also don't see why most people are focusing on that so much.

[STOYGON]

There is no such thing as love, my young padawan.

Only convenience.