Being Blunt About What Others Say About Someone

[CritFromAfar]

What if someone told you something about someone you knew, would you tell them what was said? Or would you keep quiet? People tend to prefer the honesty of others, so is it okay to be honest about everything, always? Or are there times when you definitely should say nothing?

[Halicia]

Depends on the circumstances.

Its generally a bad thing to always be totally honest about everything, especially when not directly asked in the first place.

If you disagree with what someone says, the person to take it up with is the speaker, and not the target of the gossip.

[Shadowferal]

Sounds like people confiding in you...that's not something about being blunt. That's more like betraying a confidence.
Blunt talk is me telling my boss or others that their "great idea' is stupid and won't work because of "list of reasons."

[CritFromAfar]

Sounds like people confiding in you...that's not something about being blunt. That's more like betraying a confidence.
Blunt talk is me telling my boss or others that their "great idea' is stupid and won't work because of "list of reasons."

What if it's not something actually harmful? Does that make a difference? Or, on the other hand, what if what was said was something damaging to the person being talked about, would you still choose not to tell the person being talked about?

I'm prone to telling people something if they ask, even if it hurts, or if not knowing could humiliate them or mislead them. I feel like if someone ends up saying something that they didn't want spread, than they shouldn't have said it in the first place.

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Depends on the circumstances.

Its generally a bad thing to always be totally honest about everything, especially when not directly asked in the first place.

If you disagree with what someone says, the person to take it up with is the speaker, and not the target of the gossip.

I've done both - confronted the speaker to stick up for someone I knew, and told the person being talked about that someone said something ill about them.

[Shadowferal]

What if it's not something actually harmful? Does that make a difference? Or, on the other hand, what if what was said was something damaging to the person being talked about, would you still choose not to tell the person being talked about?

I'm prone to telling people something if they ask, even if it hurts, or if not knowing could humiliate them or mislead them. I feel like if someone ends up saying something that they didn't want spread, than they shouldn't have said it in the first place.

We're looking at two people here; (1) the one that said something to you about a person, and (2) the person that was talked about.
And you just lost that (1)'s trust. So he won't talk to you after that
And if I was (2), I would have a good reason not to talk to you either seeing as how you blabbed (1)'s confidence.

[CritFromAfar]

We're looking at two people here; (1) the one that said something to you about a person, and (2) the person that was talked about.
And you just lost that (1)'s trust. So he won't talk to you after that
And if I was (2), I would have a good reason not to talk to you either seeing as how you blabbed (1)'s confidence.

Idk. I get your point, but I still don't see why I should have to keep my mouth shut if it's them talking about someone I care about in the first place. Why are they talking badly about someone they know I know? It's like they're trying to start a fight. In that case I would have no issue sticking up for #2 and I would be blunt again because I see no point in saying needlessly harmful things about people, even if they're not there. If #2 can't trust me because of that then they have no sense of loyalty and I'm not going to waste my time caring about them or sticking up for them in the future.

[Halicia]

I've done both - confronted the speaker to stick up for someone I knew, and told the person being talked about that someone said something ill about them.

I find I generally confront more often than I relay.

I find people tend to kill the messenger. Its difficult for people to accept that "they are wrong" in their perceptions or worldview, and easier to convince themselves that the messenger has some ulterior motive and/or lying to them.

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We're looking at two people here; (1) the one that said something to you about a person, and (2) the person that was talked about.
And you just lost that (1)'s trust. So he won't talk to you after that
And if I was (2), I would have a good reason not to talk to you either seeing as how you blabbed (1)'s confidence.

Yeah, that's why this is largely situational. Nothing exists in a bubble, and no two relationships are equal. So its important to know whose relationship they value most... (1) or (2). Because if say.... (1) is planning to murder (2) for the insurance money, that's kinda important that you tell (2), unless you never really liked them in the first place.

[CritFromAfar]

I find I generally confront more often than I relay.

I find people tend to kill the messenger. Its difficult for people to accept that "they are wrong" in their perceptions or worldview, and easier to convince themselves that the messenger has some ulterior motive and/or lying to them.

I've had the same experience, but when I think about why I did it, and was it worth it, I find most times that I would do it again if given a do-over. There are times I've been called insensitive or a shit-stirrer due to this, but I don't generally do it to create problems or hurt people, and I've seen people refer to this as "tough love".

[Queen of Hamsters]

Unless you're entirely socially inept, the answer is "it depends".

Human interactions are complicated.

lol.

If I knew I wasn't taking care of myself. (IE: Overweight, teeth all nasty and shit) I wouldn't put myself into a predicament in the first place.

Not sure how that relates to the topic at hand, but ok?

[Orc12]

Unless you're entirely socially inept, the answer is "it depends".

Human interactions are complicated.

lol.

If I knew I wasn't taking care of myself. (IE: Overweight, teeth all nasty and shit) I wouldn't put myself into a predicament in the first place.

[Sunseeker]

Depends on what they said.

I have different circles of friends for precisely this reason.

[CritFromAfar]

Unless you're entirely socially inept, the answer is "it depends".

Human interactions are complicated.

Well, I thought I'd ask anyway. I'm a firm believer that you can be honest as long as you don't have offensive beliefs, but I don't see how someone could realistically go their entire life without offending someone at least once, no matter how charismatic they are.

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Depends on what they said.

I have different circles of friends for precisely this reason.

What do you mean?

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lol.

If I knew I wasn't taking care of myself. (IE: Overweight, teeth all nasty and shit) I wouldn't put myself into a predicament in the first place.

I have to agree with @Queen of Hamsters as to not being sure what makes you say that.

[Sunseeker]

What do you mean?

Lets say someone in Group A is being a dumbshit. I don't want to bitch them out to Group A, so I talk about them being a dumbshit to Group B.

[CritFromAfar]

Lets say someone in Group A is being a dumbshit. I don't want to bitch them out to Group A, so I talk about them being a dumbshit to Group B.

But doesn't that just create problems for you? That kind of dynamic tends to have a way of spreading what you said.

[Monster Hunter]

What if someone told you something about someone you knew, would you tell them what was said? Or would you keep quiet? People tend to prefer the honesty of others, so is it okay to be honest about everything, always? Or are there times when you definitely should say nothing?

pro tip, people don't like honesty, they like the illusion of honesty. they want to see and be told what they want to see and be told and they want that to be right and be told its right, weather thats true or false is generally irrelevant. but if your seen as honest even if your just as much a lair as any one else the happier they are to hear things from you.

[Irian]

Very circumstantial. Being honest about everything is, contrary to what some people will tell you, not really the best policy. Honesty needs to be backed up with careful thought and social tact. It's a virtue to aspire to, but not a hard rule that you should always abide in the most simplistically literal way possible.

[CritFromAfar]

pro tip, people don't like honesty, they like the illusion of honesty. they want to see and be told what they want to see and be told and they want that to be right and be told its right, weather thats true or false is generally irrelevant. but if your seen as honest even if your just as much a lair as any one else the happier they are to hear things from you.

I'd agree, but... doesn't it matter, though, what you believe in personally? As in, what kind of person are you if you want honesty, despite that being true, compared to someone that doesn't care? I would think that matters just as much as if you are honest or not. Sometimes I feel the line between what's acceptable and unacceptable in a social situation tends to be very narrow, and I sometimes question which side of the line I'm on personally. Which is why I made this thread, even though it may seem like a simple topic.

[Jonnusthegreat]

Depends on the circumstances.

Its generally a bad thing to always be totally honest about everything, especially when not directly asked in the first place.

If you disagree with what someone says, the person to take it up with is the speaker, and not the target of the gossip.

I think honesty is always the best policy. If you have to lie to someone you aren't doing anyone a favor but yourself.

[CritFromAfar]

Very circumstantial. Being honest about everything is, contrary to what some people will tell you, not really the best policy. Honesty needs to be backed up with careful thought and social tact. It's a virtue to aspire to, but not a hard rule that you should always abide in the most simplistically literal way possible.

Okay, that seems reasonable. I guess what I'm really wondering is, is there a truly definitive way to define someone who is doing it for good reasons, versus someone who is doing it simply to be malicious?

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I think honesty is always the best policy. If you have to lie to someone you aren't doing anyone a favor but yourself.

What if it does hurt you, though? How do you justify it to yourself?

[Monster Hunter]

I'd agree, but... doesn't it matter, though, what you believe in personally? As in, what kind of person are you if you want honesty, despite that being true, compared to someone that doesn't care? I would think that matters just as much as if you are honest or not. Sometimes I feel the line between what's acceptable and unacceptable in a social situation tends to be very narrow, and I sometimes question which side of the line I'm on personally. Which is why I made this thread, even though it may seem like a simple topic.

Honesty is neither good nor bad. Honesty can create as much harm as it can help, what's moral good often isn't defined by the action or the intention but by the outcome, if you want to be good and see honesty as good and by telling the truth you bring some one misery then that is not a good thing, And vica versa, it's part of life learning how to predict the outcome of one's own actions, what action to take and also when inaction is the best option.