Roommate is cheating with a married man; none of my business?

[Laerrus]

My only concern would be that Guy's Wife showing up in the middle of the night causing problems, then it really does become your problem as I am sure you don't want to get on bad terms with the landlord.

[Cien]

TL, DR: see thread title.
TL, DR2: yes it's another of Celista's "blog posts", if you don't have anything constructive to say then you don't need to comment.

My roommate and I have been getting along really well for the last year. We were friends before moving in together and basically get along great. She's an MFA student and I work for a nonprofit so joint living is to our benefit (rents in Portland are fairly high at the moment).

She identifies as poly and sees one guy regularly and other men from time to time; maybe once a month or so.

The only guy that comes around the place sometimes is someone she's been seeing for the past two years. Right after we move in together (within the first month), I found out that the man in question was married. I was immediately uncomfortable with this, but she had stated that this guy and his wife were "also poly" and had a long laundry list of reasons why she felt seeing him was OK...according to this dude his wife no longer sleeps with him, has mental health issues (apparently she's quite depressed), and is "abusive". I don't really know if this is true or not, I do know that she makes a nice six figure salary, the guy works part-time and his wife bought him a bright yellow convertible as a birthday present last year.

I asked my roommate if his wife knew that this dude was seeing her and she said that "if she wanted to know, she would know by now". So I left it at that.

Fast forward to a week or so ago, when my roommate comes home clearly upset. Apparently the dude's wife found out about my roommate, became EXTREMELY upset and told him to break it off. I was nice and comforting, but told my roommate that maybe it was for the best and hopefully the two of them could remain friends.

Anyway, today I woke up at 6am to take a shower/get ready for work and guess who I see sneaking out of my roommate's bedroom...

Basically I am now very uncomfortable about this, don't know if I should talk to my roommate or not or how I should go about doing so.

Our lease is up in September, I like the place but my roommate wants to shop around (with me) for a new place that is larger/with an enclosed backyard. She has said several times that she thinks that I am the best roommate that she has ever had and that she would like to keep me around. I am content staying where I am, the rent is a very good deal for Portland right now. I also like our friendship/having her as a roommate. I am *open* to moving with her, but I am also worried that this relationship will continue and that it will affect our relationship.

I also kindof feel like at this point his wife (I know who she is on FB) should know what is going on, but I also feel like that it would likely be WAY overstepping my bounds to say anything to her.

I am not poly and I feel like I am pretty open-minded in regards to other people's relationships, however I have a very hard time with cheating as I feel that it is hurtful to go behind someone's back in a relationship and have never had the inclination to do so personally.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone had any advice as to whether I should talk to my roommate and how I should go about doing so, or am I making a big deal out of nothing.

do you care that much to let splitting up with your bezzie to make you move home to your parents, or risk you having no home cos you refuse to tolerate this relationship?
its technically not your business, just ignore it, unless they are shagging on the lounge table or kitchen counters when you want to cook/watch tv, don't worry about it

[Captain N]

Not your business to intervene in someone else's personal affairs. For all you know the man's wife also gets side action. As long as the roommate continues to uphold her end of the rent you have to stay out of it.

[Awbee]

but she had stated that this guy and his wife were "also poly" and had a long laundry list of reasons why she felt seeing him was OK...according to this dude his wife no longer sleeps with him, has mental health issues (apparently she's quite depressed), and is "abusive".

This is the typical shit that EVERY cheater will tell. Of course it's almost never true, which is why they don't leave their wives. The naive women actually believe the lies and then get very sad, "why doesn't he leave her for me ". Your roommate doesn't sound very naive though, more like she enjoys the feeling of being the dirty little secret and feeling "superior" to his wife.

To me, it sounds like they both lack integrity. They sound like bad people with low empathy, who mostly care for their own egotistical pursuits. Which is not someone I would want as a roommate. Who knows, one day you might be in her way, and she's likely to show you the same ruthlessness she's apparently capable of.

So yeah, I'd definitely look for a roommate who's a better person.

As for whether you should tell the wife ... I personally probably would, but there are arguments pro and contra. And at least she's not completely obvlivious to the situation. She knows that he cheated, but stays with him anyways. So she's probably going to be hypervigilant about possible cheating signs now, and will likely catch up to him at some point anyways. At which point there's gonna be a big boom, and your roommate might also feel some of it.

[Celista]

DO you know the married man and his wife?
Are they your friends or stranger?

Both the dude and his wife are known by my circle of friends, but more through friends of friends than via my direct circle. I am acquaintances with the guy (mostly because he comes around the place). I have not met the wife.

[Lenonis]

Unless this guy is actually doing something to infringe on your personal space or belonging not only is it none of your business but you have zero right to get involved.

It's her life and if she wants to make it a shit-show as long as she pays the rent and doesn't being someone home who is creating an actual disturbance you have zero room to really say much of anything.

Bringing it up will likely just result in a fight and strained situations from this point on. The best you can do is say you aren't comfortable with guys being over -- but that likely won't go far and you'd have to live with the same rules.

The thing you can really do is when it's time to renew the lease either move or tell her you want a new roommate (assuming you have the power to do that).

It might not be a situation you understand, but moral arguments between roommate never EVER go well, regardless of how well you think you get along.

[Awbee]

Yeah that may be a good point...she is a nice person but definitely has more of a self-centered mindset. Thanks for your input

When it comes to being self-centered, there's a line drawn in the sand. There's nothing wrong with looking out for yourself and going for what you want, but you should not look at other people as collateral damage. That's the kind of self-centeredness that's downright egotistical and compassionless.

[Qlix]

I disagree that it is none of her business. They share a living space. Its essentially the same arrangement as living together with a romantic partner, only in separate rooms. What what one does effects the other. How much say she has is limited, but its definitely her business as long as the scandalous activities are happening in the apartment. In some places infidelity is a felony, just like distributing narcotics. Rarely prosecuted but a felony just the same.

If it was me Id tell her you dont really care what she does, but ask her to do it somewhere else so that it doesnt involve you.

[TheTaurenOrc]

"None of your Business" my ass. Its happening in your home too!

What happens when your roomies promiscuity catches up with her and someones banging on your door at 3:00am? Or your shit starts to go missing? Because clearly shes vetting these guys for good moral fiber.

[Celista]

This is the typical shit that EVERY cheater will tell. Of course it's almost never true, which is why they don't leave their wives. The naive women actually believe the lies and then get very sad, "why doesn't he leave her for me ". Your roommate doesn't sound very naive though, more like she enjoys the feeling of being the dirty little secret and feeling "superior" to his wife.

To me, it sounds like they both lack integrity. They sound like bad people with low empathy, who mostly care for their own egotistical pursuits. Which is not someone I would want as a roommate. Who knows, one day you might be in her way, and she's likely to show you the same ruthlessness she's apparently capable of.

So yeah, I'd definitely look for a roommate who's a better person.

As for whether you should tell the wife ... I personally probably would, but there are arguments pro and contra. And at least she's not completely obvlivious to the situation. She knows that he cheated, but stays with him anyways. So she's probably going to be hypervigilant about possible cheating signs now, and will likely catch up to him at some point anyways. At which point there's gonna be a big boom, and your roommate might also feel some of it.

I agree regarding the fact that these are statements that any individual who decides to cheat seems to make. I mean, I understand that sometimes people in relationships are put between a rock and a hard place (aka "I love her but she's not sleeping with me"), but imo that means that the couple should work on those issues together instead of cheating behind someone's back. I also suspect at this point that he is financially comfortable with his wife and does not want to lose that financial stability.

My roommate seems surprisingly naiive about this situation, given that she's poly. She actually told me, verbatim, "I thought he would leave her for me."

I was trying to be the nice/comforting roommate but it was difficult for me to not roll my eyes.

[Mehrunes]

If the wife got angry when she found out then she's either not in a poly relationship with the guy, or he broke the rules of it (transparency, etc.). So when your roommate gave you the list of why it's OK she was kinda bullshitting you right in your face. But since the guy didn't leave his wife the first time she found out, I kinda doubt he'll do it the next time they're found out (and if they're found out, but that seems probable), so she's unlikely to move in with him when drama ensues. Not sure how the drama could affect you personally in other ways. So the only main issue left is how you feel about leaving with a cheater, which is rather subjective and only you have a way of knowing that. But from what I understood you knew for a long time and haven't done anything, so I'm not 100% sure what would be the motive to change things. And your roommate seems to be hellbent on being with him if she's still doing it after the wife found out, so talking may achieve nothing.

[Jotaux]

My roommate seems surprisingly naiive about this situation, given that she's poly. She actually told me, verbatim, "I thought he would leave her for me."

Well I think its kind of obvious shes not poly.

[Queen of Hamsters]

A former (!) friend of mine would ONLY go after men already in a relationship. When I learned this, I realized why there'd been so much drama around her and why I'd have had so many "surprise visits" from her. She hadn't been heartbroken, she'd been found out and didn't want to go home...

I'd say, that if you feel uncomfortable with your friend's doings, you have every right to protect yourself, however you see fit. Relationship drama and scorned significant others are not to be trifled with.

[Lenonis]

"None of your Business" my ass. Its happening in your home too!

So then I assume the roommate has equal say in who the OP dates as well? She'll have to bring him over before any dates and get the roommate's approval? Maybe they should write it into the lease just to be safe?

What happens when your roomies promiscuity catches up with her and someones banging on your door at 3:00am? Or your shit starts to go missing? Because clearly she vetting these guys for good moral fiber.

Then it's a problem that gets brought up. But you are arguing a potential scenario that hasn't happen in the time they've been together yet. Which isn't fair to anyone really.

It's her business if the guy is a disruption. It's not her business if the relationship doesn't align with her moral standards. Not if she wants to keep the peace and continue having a roommate.

[Celista]

Unless this guy is actually doing something to infringe on your personal space or belonging not only is it none of your business but you have zero right to get involved.

It's her life and if she wants to make it a shit-show as long as she pays the rent and doesn't being someone home who is creating an actual disturbance you have zero room to really say much of anything.

Bringing it up will likely just result in a fight and strained situations from this point on. The best you can do is say you aren't comfortable with guys being over -- but that likely won't go far and you'd have to live with the same rules.

The thing you can really do is when it's time to renew the lease either move or tell her you want a new roommate (assuming you have the power to do that).

It might not be a situation you understand, but moral arguments between roommate never EVER go well, regardless of how well you think you get along.

My landlord and I get along really well so I think he'll be OK with me keeping the place for myself or getting a new roommate. I was planning on emailing him today since my roommate seems dead-set on moving out (she really likes having me as a roommate, but really hates the place...it's really nice but apparently she thinks the bedrooms are too small, she has a lot of stuff).

I guess we'll see. I agree that a discussion about morals will probably not go very well, especially considering we seem to have very different views on cheating.

[turboether]

If you don't know the extent of the relationship of the married couple then it all comes down to your own personal feelings. If it untenable for you to live with someone in an open relationship that may or may not be legitimate then that is on you.

[Lenonis]

I was trying to be the nice/comforting roommate but it was difficult for me to not roll my eyes.

To be fair, if the roommate is venting to you about it then it does become your business and you have a perfect window to say that you think it's a mistake and likely to create problems in the house. But you can't fix people and you can't stop them from making bad choices (usually).

[Azadina]

When it comes to being self-centered, there's a line drawn in the sand. There's nothing wrong with looking out for yourself and going for what you want, but you should not look at other people as collateral damage. That's the kind of self-centeredness that's downright egotistical and compassionless.

Yeah, and that ends up bad when one party doesn't care at all about causing trouble to someone else too. I've had my share of that. It's nothing but trouble in the end

[Celista]

Well I think its kind of obvious shes not poly.

Yeah. I haven't articulated this to her yet but this is my thought, too.

[Lenonis]

My landlord and I get along really well so I think he'll be OK with me keeping the place for myself or getting a new roommate. I was planning on emailing him today since my roommate seems dead-set on moving out (she really likes having me as a roommate, but really hates the place...it's really nice but apparently she thinks the bedrooms are too small, she has a lot of stuff).

I guess we'll see. I agree that a discussion about morals will probably not go very well, especially considering we seem to have very different views on cheating.

Well......seems to me that the problem will resolve itself then? Which is likely best for all involved!