Absolutely terrified of talking

[D_K_night]

I do this all the time, and it drives my friends insane. I never reply with "yes" or "no" to questions about my opinion or whether or not I want something. It's always "I guess/I suppose/perhaps" or "not really". 9 times out of 10 I really do mean "yes" or "no", but I have a really hard time actually committing to those answers. I've tried to figure out why I do it, and the best I can come up with is that perhaps deep down I just feel that "yes" and "no" are too direct or too final. I've also noticed that I do it much less in writing/typing than I do in person or on the phone, so maybe she and I are similar in that regard.

As for the other issue, I can't speak for your friend, and this may not be all that relevant to her issue, but I can share my thoughts and experience in an attempt to give you some insight into what at least part of the problem may be. I have also been described as "quiet". I give short responses and explanations and ask brief questions similar to the way she does when speaking, and the reasoning is simply because I dislike talking and the attention that it brings. As you may notice, I can be quite verbose when typing, but in a situation in which verbal communication is required, I lose much of my vocabulary. I use small words and small sentences just so I can stop talking sooner or, if possible, avoid it completely. For example, if I'm reading something and someone comes up and asks me what I'm reading, even if I know the person I'll generally just silently pick up the book and point to the cover rather than tell them the title. Maybe I'm nervous, maybe I don't like being the center of attention, maybe I just like listening more, or maybe I just simply don't like the sound of my own voice. I don't really know. I can work past it and speak uncomfortably when it's necessary (whether or not the person/people I'm speaking to can tell that I'm uncomfortable I cannot say), and if she cannot then it's probably a different issue. I find that I will leave out details when describing something if I think I can get away with it and will reluctantly elaborate if asked. The real question is when you ask her to elaborate, does it seem reluctant, or does it just seem like she didn't realize that more information would be required? If you haven't actively paid attention for that before, try it next time you talk to her.

Anyway, I hope that there's at least something in there that can help you understand her or at least make you look at the situation differently. If not, then I apologize for the mini-wall of irrelevant text.

Edit: I must admit that I didn't read your last post before I posted and therefore missed the part about her being relatively quiet online as well.

when i ask her to elaborate, it's not reluctance i'm sensing, but more like, she didn't think that the extra(and in many cases essential) information was needed. She mentioned briefly once that back in korea, the expectation was to say every little, and the other person is expected to simply figure out what you mean, from the little bits of info you gave. For example, the word "sorry" isn't just for apologies. It has multiple contexts and is used to convey multiple meanings based on the context of the situation.

For example when she says: "he hit her" - you would be expected to simply fill in the blanks yourself as to what truly happened. did he hit her out of violence? due to an accident? From the sounds of it, she simply wishes you to figure out the rest on your own.

However in my case I hate assuming when I have incomplete information. If I guess wrongly, the results could be disastrous. Hence I prod her to give me the full info, not just bits and pieces for me to do guesswork. Because of her communication style, I have learned to never immediately react emotionally to anything she says firsthand.

Here's another example.

She went on a blind date and met a gentlemen who's 45 years of age(well dressed, well spoken, very professional in his appearance and mannerisms). I asked her later how her date went. She started off by listing his good qualities, but then said "I want an energetic man. I don't want an old man who will have knee problems".

I all but exploded - how can she so negatively judgmental, she who's 35 and the age gap isn't even unreasonable? After a few hours of debate later, she finally says this:

"he said he has knee injury and cannot run long. i want someone who i can hike and run with"

...well if she had only gave those specifics from the beginning and not said "i don't want a old man with knee problems" <-- (completely different context) then OK, I completely understand why this is a dealbreaker. I was angry with myself for reacting based on incomplete/omitted information(when I knew full well that's exactly what she does as par for the course). She communicated the context completely wrong and this kills me.

But yes many things you said do ring true. She doesn't like being the center of attention. Her voice is small, and in a conference call you barely even notice her speak(meanwhile with myself blustering and blabbing away LOL). In your book example where you just point to the cover - she would very likely do something similar, or far more likely, she will just look at you silently(zero facial expression), then resume reading.

She's finally starting to realize what the effect of her silence with others is causing. Another an alternate date, she met a fella who was even more quiet than she was. They met at the coffee shop and all but stared at each other, each person waiting for the other to speak. Minutes pass, and finally she stumbles a question out, and he replies with a one-word answer. Needless to say things didn't go too well as she expects a man to be more conversational. Following this, she says that she now understands how others feel when she is so quiet. But that won't necessarily change her.

[Liaku]

when i ask her to elaborate, it's not reluctance i'm sensing, but more like, she didn't think that the extra(and in many cases essential) information was needed. She mentioned briefly once that back in korea, the expectation was to say every little, and the other person is expected to simply figure out what you mean, from the little bits of info you gave. For example, the word "sorry" isn't just for apologies. It has multiple contexts and is used to convey multiple meanings based on the context of the situation.

For example when she says: "he hit her" - you would be expected to simply fill in the blanks yourself as to what truly happened. did he hit her out of violence? due to an accident? From the sounds of it, she simply wishes you to figure out the rest on your own.

However in my case I hate assuming when I have incomplete information. If I guess wrongly, the results could be disastrous. Hence I prod her to give me the full info, not just bits and pieces for me to do guesswork. Because of her communication style, I have learned to never immediately react emotionally to anything she says firsthand.

Here's another example.

She went on a blind date and met a gentlemen who's 45 years of age(well dressed, well spoken, very professional in his appearance and mannerisms). I asked her later how her date went. She started off by listing his good qualities, but then said "I want an energetic man. I don't want an old man who will have knee problems".

I all but exploded - how can she so negatively judgmental, she who's 35 and the age gap isn't even unreasonable? After a few hours of debate later, she finally says this:

"he said he has knee injury and cannot run long. i want someone who i can hike and run with"

...well if she had only gave those specifics from the beginning and not said "i don't want a old man with knee problems" <-- (completely different context) then OK, I completely understand why this is a dealbreaker. I was angry with myself for reacting based on incomplete/omitted information(when I knew full well that's exactly what she does as par for the course). She communicated the context completely wrong and this kills me.

But yes many things you said do ring true. She doesn't like being the center of attention. Her voice is small, and in a conference call you barely even notice her speak(meanwhile with myself blustering and blabbing away LOL). In your book example where you just point to the cover - she would very likely do something similar, or far more likely, she will just look at you silently(zero facial expression), then resume reading.

She's finally starting to realize what the effect of her silence with others is causing. Another an alternate date, she met a fella who was even more quiet than she was. They met at the coffee shop and all but stared at each other, each person waiting for the other to speak. Minutes pass, and finally she stumbles a question out, and he replies with a one-word answer. Needless to say things didn't go too well as she expects a man to be more conversational. Following this, she says that she now understands how others feel when she is so quiet. But that won't necessarily change her.

I'm not sure if you've clarified this or not, but some things you said make me wonder: is English not her first language? I know that in a lot of languages it's normal to omit a lot and leave it up to the interpretation of the listener. I know you said something about "back in Korea". If so then maybe it's just a language/culture barrier that she's having a hard time crossing.