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  1. #201
    1) This man was driving down the interstate speeding pretty badly when he sees a state trooper pull out behind him and turns on his lights. Thinking he might be able to out run the cop the driver floors it but soon sees there's no escaping. Finally, the man pulls over and the officer walks up to his window. The trooper looks at him and says "If you can give me one good reason you were speeding and then tried to out run me I will let you off with a warning" The man looks up at the trooper and says "Two years ago my wife ran off with a cop, I thought you were trying to give her back".

    2) What's the most positive thing in Harlem? HIV.

    3) A blonde was driving to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left". She sighed, turned around and drove home.


    4) Little Johnny was sitting in his math class as the teacher was doing word problems. The teacher asked the class "If three birds are sitting on a telephone wire and you shoot one with a BB Gun how many after left?" Many kids in the class had their hands up and the teacher called on Sussie, whom replied "Two!" The teacher responds that she is correct and is about to move on. However, in the back she sees Little Johnny waving his hand furiously. "What is it Johnny?" she asks.

    "I disagree teacher, if you shoot one bird the other two will fly away. So there will be none left"

    "Ah, very good, I like the way you think Johnny" The teacher replies.

    "Let me ask you this teach, three women are sitting on a park bench all eating an icecream cone. One is biting the cone, one is licking the cone and one is sucking the cone. Which of the three are married?" Little Johnny asks.

    The teacher turns red and stutters a little before finally answering "Uh, the one sucking the cone?"

    "Well, I would have said the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way YOU think."
    Last edited by NoRest4Wicked; 2012-12-17 at 04:32 AM.

  2. #202
    Grown men watching My Little Pony
    Quote Originally Posted by Boarwood View Post
    Best so far.
    I agree, but your hatred and harassment of them only strengthens their cause. Best just to ignore them.

  3. #203
    Quote Originally Posted by Aphrel View Post
    This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

    I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

    I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

    Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

    It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

    Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

    You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

    In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

    Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

    We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

    Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

    The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.

    <3 hitchhikers guide to the galaxy!
    Haha that must be from an American localisation of the book because "cookies" should be "biscuits" :P
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojara View Post
    Look Batman really isn't an accurate source by any means
    Quote Originally Posted by Hooked View Post
    It is a fact, not just something I made up.

  4. #204
    My brother told me this one and I'm pretty appalled that I laughed.

    A man and a young boy are walking into the woods, night starts to fall and the boy says, "Man, these woods are pretty spooky at night." The man replies, "you're telling me, I have to walk home alone."

  5. #205
    Why was the scarecrow awarded a promotion at work?
    It was because he was outstanding in his field :P

  6. #206
    Scarab Lord -Zait-'s Avatar
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    I know a lot... but I feel I'd get banned for saying them (x

  7. #207

  8. #208
    Dreadlord Fishbait's Avatar
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    A cop was staking out the Geelong Hotel for bikers riding drunk.
    At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
    When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition.
    Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off.
    When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.
    The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0!
    The cop says, "How is this possible?"
    The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

  9. #209
    Fluffy Kitten Socks-chan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scahrossar View Post
    Why was the scarecrow awarded a promotion at work?
    It was because he was outstanding in his field :P
    I don't know why, but I found that hilarious. You deserve a cookie.

  10. #210
    Quote Originally Posted by -Zait- View Post
    I know a lot... but I feel I'd get banned for saying them (x
    Have you not read this thread.

  11. #211
    This one is based on a funny joke. Enjoy.


  12. #212
    Warchief Sand Person's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nzall View Post
    Why is Princess Diana like a Ferrerro Rocher?
    Because they both came out of France in a box.
    fricken brutal! still chuckled though.

  13. #213
    Pandaren Monk Mukki's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nzall View Post
    look, I don't mind the sexist/depraved/raw jokes. I frequently visit some of the most degrading and sexist subreddits. however, there are young children on here, since WoW is rated T for teen. and I don't think young children need to come into contact with stuff like this.
    I think that's the moderators' call to make, not yours.

    ---------- Post added 2012-12-17 at 01:25 PM ----------

    Quote Originally Posted by Fishbait View Post
    After being crucified, Jesus went up to Heaven & was chatting to St.Peter at the pearly gates.
    After a while, St.Peter said "I`ve been here for 560 years, mind covering whilst I go for a break?"
    "Of course not, what do I do?" said Jesus.
    "It`s easy said St.Peter, just take the persons name, religion & occupation."
    After showing Jesus what to do, St.Peter leaves.

    After an hour or so, Jesus in the swing of things looks up & says "Name please.", just as he does this, he sees the old man walk forward & is sure he knows him.

    "Ah, I`m Joseph." said thee old man.
    "Okay Joseph, what`s your religion?"
    "That`s easy," replied Joseph "I`m a Jew."

    Jesus looks at him again & is sure this is his father, so he asks him "What was your profession?"
    "I was a long time carpenter" said joseph.
    That does it thought Jesus, this must be my father, I`ll ask him something personal.

    "Joseph, did you have any kids?"
    "Oh yes," he replied "I had a wonderful son.".

    "Your son, did he have any distinguishing marks on his body?" asked Jesus.
    "Why yes he did, the poor lad, he had holes in his hands & his feet" replied Joseph.

    To this, Jesus was sure that this old man was his father so he threw out his arms & yelled "Father!" to which the old man replied "Pinocchio!?"
    Not to be a buzzkill, but St. Peter was an early Christian leader, kinda ruins the premise of the entire joke, since there's no way he could possibly be up there before Jesus was crucified.

  14. #214
    Why do ducks have webbed feet?
    To stamp out fires.
    Why do elephants have flat feet?
    To stamp out burning ducks

  15. #215
    Brewmaster xindykawai's Avatar
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    2 butt cheek chatting:

    -why dont we become friend ?
    -Because between us its shit.

  16. #216
    What did the white guy say to the afro american?
    Can I afro you for dinner?

    omg I laugh every time I hear it.

  17. #217
    A woman who was single and not happy about it, pops into the grocery store to get a couple of items. She gets things like one roll of toilet paper, a single frozen dinner, etc.

    The guy cashier is scanning all these single items, and looks up and says, "You know, i bet you're single."

    The woman not thrilled and with all the sarcasm she could muster responds, "Gee, how did you figure that out."

    'Easy", he says, "You're fucking ugly."

  18. #218
    The Lightbringer Toffie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scarjack View Post
    A woman who was single and not happy about it, pops into the grocery store to get a couple of items. She gets things like one roll of toilet paper, a single frozen dinner, etc.

    The guy cashier is scanning all these single items, and looks up and says, "You know, i bet you're single."

    The woman not thrilled and with all the sarcasm she could muster responds, "Gee, how did you figure that out."

    'Easy", he says, "You're fucking ugly."
    Haha, only joke i laughed hard too. /share cookie

  19. #219
    Mechagnome LolretKJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scarjack View Post
    A woman who was single and not happy about it, pops into the grocery store to get a couple of items. She gets things like one roll of toilet paper, a single frozen dinner, etc.

    The guy cashier is scanning all these single items, and looks up and says, "You know, i bet you're single."

    The woman not thrilled and with all the sarcasm she could muster responds, "Gee, how did you figure that out."

    'Easy", he says, "You're fucking ugly."
    Many lol's were had.
    Quote Originally Posted by Proberly View Post
    Oh would you now? It truly is amazing how many heroic people we have wasting their time on internet.

  20. #220
    Scarab Lord Belize's Avatar
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    A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it's destroying his family/
    FC: 2251-6711-5951

    Prophet 60091, this is the flight number of our galactic sun

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