Originally Posted by
Cirque
You're banned, so I don't know if you can see this reply at all. I hope you can, cause, you're turning into that terrible stepdad from the fairy tales.
Fact remains, you're the one at fault. I'm sorry to say. If the kids are "disrespecting" you, there's a reason. If they don't want to listen, there's a reason. If they constantly break rules, there's a reason. And likely, you're the reason. Respect is earned, not enforced, especially from kids that aren't your own. You can't step in there, and expect them to just accept, respect and obey you.
I'm no specialist, but by the sound of it you have to start from scratch with them. Drop enforcing rules and boundaries in such an angry way. Sit down with them, talk with them. Let them get to know you as person they want to have as stepdad, not as the third douchebag that their previous (step)dads were. Honestly, considering those kids' history, I'm not surprised they seem to have issues with "dads" and authority in general. Do you? So prove yourself first to them, your good sides - you're not there to make their life miserable. That should be the first and foremost goal you have with these kids.
It's going to be rough - especially if you can't talk to your wife. I don't even know how anyone can sustain a relationship where you can't talk with your partner. But you should, really. These are her kids, and you're making her kids miserable, and they are making you miserable. Discuss with her why they act like they do. Remember they're NOT "being wrong" and do not focus on that: instead focus on the underlying reason. Say you worry and you think they may not be dealing with you as another new dad too well, and how she thinks you guys could improve that.
Honestly, if you can't improve this situation very fast, it'll detoriate beyond repair. You'll become an asshole of a dad, the one people will say "I wonder why his wife didn't leave him" in 20 years, if your relationship doesn't break down under the strain beforehand. This is harsh, but from what I hear in your post, it is the truth. Stop underestimating their feelings - there's a REASON for it and likely that reason is you.