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  1. #1

    (Non)Relationship Woes, Could Use Some Advice...

    I know that in posting this to an online forum, I'm opening myself up to a lot of trolls and flaming, but at this point I need some advice from disconnected and detached people not in any way connected to the situation. And yes, this is gonna be a long post, so be warned that if you aren't interested in reading personal drama and giving advice, this isn't the thread for you =P

    I'm from northern California. Back in 2011 I was unemployed and had moved back in with my parents till I could get back on my feet. I met a girl from Texas through WoW, we got into an online relationship, and she found a job opportunity where she lived, so I jumped at the possibility of a new start, even though it was very hard for me because my family has always been very close ("family comes first" is almost the family motto) and I had some good friends where I was. The girl (I'll call her Laura for the purposes of this post) was living with her childhood best friend and his mom at the time in a 2 br apartment. The mom had taken over part of the apartment and converted it into an open bedroom, so it was a bit cramped and awkward. Still, I made the best of it, though we were never intimate (mostly because she never seemed to want to even go there...in fact she held back quite a bit). We ended breaking up after a few months and I finally moved out. Us breaking up was pretty much what she wanted, I was still very much in love with her, but as far as she was concerned it was over. I moved out soon after. We kept in touch, but she got more and more moody and distant and finally broke ties with me in March of this year after telling me she didn't want to talk or keep in touch.

    I didn't speak with her for two months, then in mid-May she emailed me out of the blue, apologizing for her behavior and how she treated me, wanted to see how I was doing, wanted to know if we could talk some time, etc. Long story short, we hung out a lot more, she spent more and more time at my place and finally ended up moving in as a roommate. We'd had sex several times by the time she moved in, but she said she didn't want an official relationship. Nevertheless, we were very affectionate for several months and very close. Things were good, even if they weren't official. I brought it up a few times, bringing it to the next level, but she didn't want to go there yet. Then around October, she started to get more distant. She didn't want to be intimate anymore, she started to draw away more and more, similar to how she had acted the year before. Finally, after Thanksgiving, she drops the bombshell that she's pregnant, and didn't think it was mine. Turns out that she went to a co-worker's party after work the first week in October, got absolutely plastered and ended up having a one-night stand with the cousin of one of her co-worker's. There's no way to be 100% sure that it is or isn't mine yet.

    Things in the past few weeks have gotten much worse. Her best friend from childhood that we lived with a year ago, and one of his friends, have moved in and it's like it's not my house anymore. She's short-tempered, moody, frustrated, angry. She's pushed me away a LOT, and now we don't even really speak much. It breaks my heart, because I still love her but I can't tell her that because it just pushes her away even more. But at the same time, I don't want to just ignore her because I don't want her to think I'm just turning my back and walking away either. I've explicitly told her that I would never abandon her (especially not if it's my kid), and I wouldn't, but if I give her space she'll probably think that. In truth, I just want to say fuck it and find a job and move back to California or start over somewhere else, and if it's not my kid it might very well come to that.

    The biggest irony is that she's said that she doesn't want a relationship with me because she's afraid she'll fuck things up and end up losing my friendship, or that she'll come to hate me because she hasn't handled relationships well in the past. Of course, she never really gave a relationship with me a real, fair try; plus, I'm not a fan of the whole "we're kinda in a relationship but I refuse to commit or acknowledge it" thing because it's basically her wanting the benefits of a relationship without having to put her heart into it and getting to change the terms of the relationship whenever she wants without talking to me first and getting to sleep with other people without any guilt. The reason all this is ironic is because her behavior towards me in trying to keep my friendship but at the same time pushing me away is making her into a really ugly person, the kind of person I don't even want to be just platonic friends with. And I'm not even being slightly smothering...it's like all I need to do is ask her how she is or how her day was or if she wants to hang out and watch a movie or something and that inherently makes me clingy.


    So that's my long, rambling story...if you've made it this far, please give me some advice if you have any. I kinda know this is a situation and a person I really should walk away from, but I can't help the fact that I still very much love this girl and care about her. But I've reached the point where I can't let that push me into a situation that does nothing but fucks me over.
    Last edited by jimboa24; 2012-12-06 at 07:42 PM.

  2. #2
    Banned Daelak's Avatar
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    Run, and run like motherfucking hell dude, get away from everything about this.

  3. #3
    The Unstoppable Force Rukentuts's Avatar
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    With all due respect, it's clear that you shouldn't waste any more time on her. Yes this will be hurtful in the short term, but from the sounds of it you will be avoiding a lot of problems and hurt in the long run.
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  4. #4
    Seems like she's making a yo-yo out of you. Cut and burn, my friend.

  5. #5
    Pit Lord aztr0's Avatar
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    You are wasting your time. If the kid isn't yours gtfo and cut ties. I remember having a cheating gf, although you guys aren't on the relationship level... The best decision I made was to stop making any contact. It made the hurt she had done pass by faster and I cared about her a lot back then too (before the cheating), after a while those lingering feelings just die.

  6. #6
    The Patient Mehbooba's Avatar
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    She seems confused as hell....I say run for the hills!

  7. #7
    Women who don't know how to read their bodies signs that they're fertile should be on birth control.
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  8. #8
    Stood in the Fire raechuul's Avatar
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    I say if she's playing around and pulling the "I'm moody for months, and don't even ask how my day was or I'll rage" on you, demand a paternity test as soon as it's possible and tell her if it's not your kid you're totally out and done with her shit. (Pregnant women have ups and downs, not just downs 24/7, and she has pulled this before while not pregnant so it's not just the pregnancy talking on her end.) You can tell her that if it is your kid, you'll only support the child (or whatever you want to do in that situation) and that she can never expect a relationship or sex from you again.

    I honestly think that she just needs you to put your foot down, and it could go in one of two ways. 1) She'll cut the shit and act like a normal woman, hopefully see the flaws of her ways and THEN she might be open to a normal relationship or 2) she'll cut the shit and leave you alone.

    I think the best thing to do is try to keep your distance and take the short-term pain now (if you find the kid isn't yours). This woman doesn't sound worth it from us outsiders, and that might sting but you need to step outside your perspective (i.e. "aww but she's smart and pretty, etc.") and see how she is really toying with you.

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  9. #9
    Yeah, if it isn't my kid, I'm probably going to be packing my shit and moving on once the lease expires, maybe going back to my home state, maybe somewhere else. This shit seriously hurts though. There was a brief period of time when she first moved in with me that we were happy and things were genuine and good. I wish it could have stayed that way...it certainly didn't have to turn out like this.

  10. #10
    This kind of situations happens to quite a lot of people, and if you have good friends and family they would tell you to leave that person alone. And not just alone, but completely cut her out. It will hurt for about 2-3months, but after that you can truly build something meaningfull with someone who acknowledges your existence, and not merely when it is convenient. If you have any self worth left, than this is the best solution for you. Not easy short term, but sooooooo much better long term (for the both of you i mention).

  11. #11
    Stood in the Fire raechuul's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jimboa24 View Post
    Yeah, if it isn't my kid, I'm probably going to be packing my shit and moving on once the lease expires, maybe going back to my home state, maybe somewhere else. This shit seriously hurts though. There was a brief period of time when she first moved in with me that we were happy and things were genuine and good. I wish it could have stayed that way...it certainly didn't have to turn out like this.
    It does suck and I feel for you. BUT, she was honestly just effing with you. Things might have been happy for you, but it seems like she had another idea in mind. I would almost say that you guys didn't even have a real relationship since she refused to be intimate, things were awkward in the living situation, etc. I didn't see anything positive about HER in the post, only that YOU made the best of the situation and YOU were in love with her. The closest you say is "we were happy".

    She lead you on and the sooner you heal and move on the sooner you will realize that and be able to find your real happiness with a woman who also wants to share her life with you. I'm really sorry all the crap went down, and wish you luck. I hate to say it, but hopefully you are not the father so you don't have to put up with her for the next 18-21 years.

    Icon made by leia06 from livejournal.com.

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by raechuul View Post
    It does suck and I feel for you. BUT, she was honestly just effing with you. Things might have been happy for you, but it seems like she had another idea in mind. I would almost say that you guys didn't even have a real relationship since she refused to be intimate, things were awkward in the living situation, etc. I didn't see anything positive about HER in the post, only that YOU made the best of the situation and YOU were in love with her. The closest you say is "we were happy".
    I meant when she moved in with me this year, not when I moved in with her and that awkward situation last year. But yeah, even when we were finally intimate and when things were affectionate and fun and we spent so much time together, she was still very reluctant to use "labels." We were happy then and things were good for like two and a half months...it was back around late September of this year that she started to drift away.

    She lead you on and the sooner you heal and move on the sooner you will realize that and be able to find your real happiness with a woman who also wants to share her life with you. I'm really sorry all the crap went down, and wish you luck. I hate to say it, but hopefully you are not the father so you don't have to put up with her for the next 18-21 years.
    Yeah, this I pretty much agree with. Whatever we had going for us, she obviously decided it wasn't enough for her. I'm capable of so much more and I've had my fill of Texas. Still, when we finally go our separate ways, it's going to be very fucking hard to cut off ties with her. I need to though.

  13. #13
    You can have a pre-natal paternity test prior to the baby being born to determine whether you're the father or not.

    In the event that you aren't the father, I suggest you run like hell. In the event that you are, I suggest you support your child but keep the hell away from her.

    Prenatal (before your child’s birth) DNA testing:

    Amniocentesis:
    This test is performed in the second trimester, anywhere from the 14th-20th weeks of pregnancy. During this procedure, the doctor uses ultrasound to guide a thin needle into your uterus, through your abdomen. The needle draws out a small amount of amniotic fluid, which is tested. Risks include a small chance of harming the baby and miscarriage. Other side effects may include cramping, leaking of amniotic fluid, and vaginal bleeding. A doctor's consent is needed to do this procedure for paternity testing.

    Chorionic Villus Sampling (CVS):
    This test consists of a thin needle or tube which a doctor inserts from the vagina, through the cervix, guided by an ultrasound, to obtain chorionic villi. Chorionic villi are little finger-like pieces of tissue attached to the wall of the uterus. The chorionic villi and the fetus come from the same fertilized egg, and have the same genetic makeup. This testing can be done earlier in pregnancy from the 10th-13th weeks. A doctor's consent is needed to do this procedure for paternity testing.

    SNP Microarray:
    Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother's womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby's DNA found naturally in the mother's bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA as little as found in a single cell.

  14. #14
    Run run run run run... get far away from her, she is poison. Find a decent girl who is worth your worrying, try to go to church maybe, or fill your time with something more wholesome then this. It sounds like it is eating you, women with issues like this will eat up every last bit of sanity and strength you have, let her do it to someone else, not you.

  15. #15
    The vast majority of the times that someone asks, "Should I leave this person?", the answer is a resounding yes.

  16. #16
    Stood in the Fire raechuul's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jimboa24 View Post
    Still, when we finally go our separate ways, it's going to be very fucking hard to cut off ties with her. I need to though.
    Yep, it'll be a test. But once you come out on the other end, you'll take a look at yourself and be proud of what you did. You'll be much healthier and glad for it! Take it one day at a time. I've learned with my own problems that you have to force yourself to be positive and kind to yourself, and be happy about any little progress you make.

    Icon made by leia06 from livejournal.com.

  17. #17
    The Patient Mehbooba's Avatar
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    I know I had a relationship with someone quite recently and I was in the same position you are now OP. I was thinking about him constantly and wanted to see him and even told him that in PMs but it wasn't enough apparently. He was very awkward and kept himself to himself as he had issues of his own and lacked confidence.

    I tried to make him happy and to bring him "out of his shell" so to speak by being by his side for so long and supporting him and was very loyal to him. I felt genuine emotions and would have done anything for him AT THAT TIME. Now, it's a little too late...I got sick of waiting and just decided to move on for my sanity. I have issues too but I won't destroy myself for someone who will never think he's good enough and just won't listen.

    His behaviour was really bizarre to be honest and i hope he find someone who can put up with his issues too. It is unfair to put the blame solely on the other person when it takes two compromising adults for a relationship to work.

  18. #18
    Brewmaster Gotai's Avatar
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    If the kid ain't yours, just get away from her.

    Do yourself a favor and don't reply next time she mails ya, you shouldn't have done that last time.

    It sucks but you can find better!

  19. #19
    The Lightbringer Whitey's Avatar
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    RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
    You bagged a crazy, and you're seriously being taken advantage of.
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  20. #20
    The Patient Mehbooba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Whitey View Post
    RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
    You bagged a crazy, and you're seriously being taken advantage of.
    Bit harsh.

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