Beautiful mind

[Seiken3]

Alright, so here I am. On a forum. Before you read on, I want to let you know that is a long post and it mostly contains my love problems that I need to get off my chest and perhaps get a few opinions about. Yes, I am aware that it might just get trolled since it's a forum and all, but here goes...


So, I meet this woman online, thinking she's no special than the next one(We met at a forum - the kind of forum is irrelevant). To begin with, I made up things about myself. Saying I was a little bit better than I actually am in real life and such.. Lying about how I lived, education, and such. Well anyways, we get friends and I started feeling wrong. I didn't want to lie to her, so I opened up. I told her that I was not who she thought I was and revealed my true self to her. She said she didn't like that I lied to her and I agreed. But she didn't really get upset about it and let it pass with a promise - that I wouldn't lie to her again. And I promised her that; and to this day, I haven't lied to her. She's from USA and I'm in Norway. So.. it's on the other side of the world for me.

During the early summer(when we met) we would first be on text. Then eventually we started talking with each other on skype and late summer we were on webcam for each other. Our life was just great at the moment. But we wanted to meet each other, seeing how we both would be together that way. So, I started planning a trip over to USA this previous autumn and I decided to bring my best friend with me. She said she wasn't so sure about him coming along, but she eventually went along with it cause I was honestly a bit afraid to go there all by my self. New different country, staying with people I only had talked to online. Anyways, she said she wasn't so sure because we wouldn't get as much alone-time that we wanted. But she didn't say anything because she thought it was because of the reason I listed that I wanted him with, above.

We go there, meet her and her best friend as well and had a blast together. Went to amusement parks, spent time together walking in the forest, being with her parents(I was actually accepted warmly - if it means anything to anyone) We had 1 little fight in the middle of my stay there, but it was easily sorted out. My timing to come visit her wasn't the best as she had A LOT of things going on for her on the side, but she managed to pull through and be a gracious host for us. I really admire her for that and I've told her over and over again. I and my best friend come home and I can't stop but missing her immediately.

Now, there's a big dark shadow over this so-far-seeming lovely story.

She has been married twice before and have had two children. One that she gave up for adoption and one she kept. She divorced the first one because he didn't want to touch her anymore after the first child(She couldn't take not being touch as.. she had her needs) and the second one got second thoughts about being with her. He was a posh bastard that wanted other things. Anyway, she had a child with him too and he got the custody of her second child which she barely gets to see. Now, in my country - not many around my age would like to get involved with a woman that have been married twice in before she reaches 25 and same with having children, but I don't really care about all that. I love her and I want to be with her. *Ahem* But there's more to this shadow. She has had a guy she have been with for a while now, but he stopped loving her. He cheated on her and she broke up with him. He realized he was a jerk and started crawling back to her, begging for her to take him back. And as the sweet spirit she was willing to let it go, but shortly after, he cheated on her again. So she started to look for her own apartment(they were living together at the time). Although, months went and she didn't find anything. So they came to an agreement. Which I really find strange - They would continue to behave as boyfriend and girlfriend - doing things together, going places, having sex and all that, but they wouldn't consider themselves to be a couple. He went along with that(of course) and they kept living like that without anything specific happening for months.

But then she met me... I had my accent on my English "Norwegian-English" (Mind you, I have a rather decent vocabulary English Language) and she felled for me so fast.. and so hard. Anyways, we were talking on skype and her English got twisted. She started to adapt from my accent. Her room-mate(the last guy mentioned above) noticed changes and got suspicious. Well, long story short there - Over a month or two, he saw that she had met me, planned on Moving to Norway to be with me and that he would -actually- lose her. He started becoming all super-nice now, trying to win her back by being the sweetheart he should've kept being in the first place. Anyways, she keeps telling me that it's nothing I should worry about. He had broken her heart twice and she says she isn't that stupid to be fooled again. And I believe that - I truly do, but I can't help... I really can't help being worried. Knowing that there's a guy fucking the girl I love. I hope you guys see the whole deal here. For as long we've known each other, and way before that(Well, that can be excused) they've had sex. Now, we don't consider each other as boyfriend-girlfriend yet, but we're "dating". Given her needs and situation, she can't move out right now. She don't got a good enough job to pay the rent herself, which is part of why she's living with her old ex.

So... Well, there are things that I have forgotten to add, really just side-information that doesn't leave much relevance, but... Lately, around Christmas, I can't help thinking about how much they're cuddling in on the sofa... All the things they do with each other... In the summer we had lots of time with each other. Now, we're lucky - really lucky if we get 2 hours together per week. We still talk over Emails if we miss each other(I being online when she aren't, and the other way around) But mostly it's just living in uncertainty. I am very afraid of losing her, and to make things even worse... *Sighs* She isn't good at showing affection. If I ask her straight out - she will tell me. Although, she has always had "someone special" in her life since she was 5. Seeing what it has done to her is making her life hard for her. I believe the reason the ex she's living with right now cheated on her in the first place was that she didn't really show affection towards him. While this is partly her mother's fault, but also that she has been "broken" at that department in life as she grew up makes things even worse... I don't want to force compliments, affection and the likes out of her because it feels like I'm just getting it because I asked. I want her to say it, for example out of the blue and really mean it. We've talked about it and she really wants to get better. She is really afraid she can't change, but she wants to.

Recently her ex have been getting her lots of gifts. As pets and the promise of braces(she was supposed to have them as a child, but her mother didn't want her to be prettier than her, so she spent the money on herself), which she is really psyched about. Although, if she gets them - she needs to check in with a doctor regularly, and I think it's something her ex is doing to try keeping her from leaving the country and not leave for me. When I was over in USA she said he suddenly started acting super-nice when he knew I was around. And then these words got burned into my brain "Well, if he keeps this up for two more years, then I don't mind getting back with him" - And the braces will take 3 years... So I've offered to pay for the braces myself to prevent her from falling into some sort of trap. I mentioned it all for her, but.. She said she wasn't stupid enough to fall for something like that. I honestly believe that, but I can't help but worry...

So I ask all of you... Do I worry too much? How can anyone be certain in my position? All the way over here in Norway with next to no communication with her lately? I've always thought that communication was the key to a good relationship, but we aren't able to get much going on lately...

*Sighs* just writing this makes me feel a little bit better... But... *Shivers* I don't know...

You can read about my previous love-life here; - if you for some reason should be interested: http://www.mmo-champion.com/threads/...our-love-story - It's post number 16.

[Deleted]

Why did the father get custody of the child? In my country the mother has to be seriously unfit to be deemed unfit, it is pretty rare.

[Seiken3]

He was wealthy and could afford better lawyers than her. Also, I believe the judge knew his family as well... *Shrugs* The child loves staying with her, though, so she expects to get custody of him pretty soon when he is old enough to speak for himself and make his own decisions.

[Pachycrocuta]

I honestly don't see this turning out well for either of you. I am sure you don't want to hear this, but she doesn't seem too bright. Her living situation is completely idiotic. Living with an ex that cheated on her, not once but twice, and continues to have sex with him and pretend to be boy and girl is just stupid. Why not just live as roommates? Or, move back in with her parents? Would (likely) save her money, she doesn't have to be with a douche and fuck. And the whole thing of "Well, if he keeps this up for two more years, then I don't mind getting back with him" comment just screams "not smart", as he is ONLY acting nice because you are in her life, and he doesn't want to lose his fuck toy. Sorry to put that so harsh, but that's exactly what she is to him. Cheap rent and a fuck toy. And if she does get back with him, then you will more than likely be out of the picture and he will cheat on her yet again.

I know you say you love her and such, but honestly, I think you wasted the money in going there and are wasting your time. I would just move on as she sounds like someone I wouldn't waste my time on. The whole married twice and having 2 kids thing doesn't even factor into my answer.

[Deleted]

I would say a big fat no here. Trouble brews trouble until it smacks you in the face and steals your money. Then regret/depression jumps in and smacks you in the face and steals your health.

[Deleted]

I honestly don't see this turning out well for either of you. I am sure you don't want to hear this, but she doesn't seem too bright. Her living situation is completely idiotic. Living with an ex that cheated on her, not once but twice, and continues to have sex with him and pretend to be boy and girl is just stupid. Why not just live as roommates? Or, move back in with her parents? Would (likely) save her money, she doesn't have to be with a douche and fuck. And the whole thing of "Well, if he keeps this up for two more years, then I don't mind getting back with him" comment just screams "not smart", as he is ONLY acting nice because you are in her life, and he doesn't want to lose his fuck toy. Sorry to put that so harsh, but that's exactly what she is to him. Cheap rent and a fuck toy. And if she does get back with him, then you will more than likely be out of the picture and he will cheat on her yet again.

I know you say you love her and such, but honestly, I think you wasted the money in going there and are wasting your time. I would just move on as she sounds like someone I wouldn't waste my time on. The whole married twice and having 2 kids thing doesn't even factor into my answer.

Agreed. I have never been in a relationship, but even I can tell this girl seems to be, if not stupid, a fucking dick. Do you know why you two haven't contacted each other as often nowadays?

[Themius]

So there is a girl you love who is living with an ex who she doesn't want to live with because he cheated on her, but she's having sex with him and such and doing normal bf/gf thing but not being a bf/gf? That's called a friend with benefits. Sadly no... no no, stay away.

[Seiken3]

Yeah, I know.. all of my friends keep telling me I should just quit it all. But... She's all I have. She is as said; not able to pay for her own place and her parents wont take her in. She keeps saying that him acting nice and all is just an "act". That he indeed will be a dick once I get out of the picture or so.

The reason why we aren't in touch as much these days is cause, well, it's holidays. I am not able to be as much on the PC anymore due the season, and so aren't she. Plus, she recently got 2 other jobs so she is working a lot more now than previous, so I hope she will be saving up lots of money to come to me here in Norway. I agree with you, Pachy - He is just keeping her as a fucktoy right now. Whenever he wants to be true with her from now on - I can't tell.

[Toffie]

You both like eachother, yet she still stays with her ex having sex? I'd suggest to break all communication with her.

[Seiken3]

You both like eachother, yet she still stays with her ex having sex? I'd suggest to break all communication with her.

It's part of their "agreement" when they separated the last time. That they would just live together and not put anything into it. But with her needs, she went crazy and extended the agreement to involve sex. And it's a thing they've been doing long before we met... I really hate it myself, but... I don't want to keep her needs unsatisfied /: So I try to let her go on with it till she comes to me, letting her get her needs satisfied that way..

[Themius]

It's part of their "agreement" when they separated the last time. That they would just live together and not put anything into it. But with her needs, she went crazy and extended the agreement to involve sex. And it's a thing they've been doing long before we met... I really hate it myself, but... I don't want to keep her needs unsatisfied /: So I try to let her go on with it till she comes to me, letting her get her needs satisfied that way..

Her needs? She can't control her self to not have sex when she practically has a boyfriend?! Does that mean if you for some reason can't/won't have sex with her she's going to cheat on you for "her needs" and you'll be fine with it? You say she is all you have. When something is "all you have" it is hard to move on from them, because then you have nothing, so you feel. So meet someone else, go out, do something else to find someone else, if this is all you have, a "girlfriend" practically who lives with her ex, and has sex with him because she has needs, I am sorry to say, any type of relationship isn't likely to last. Right now all you are doing is being passive and allowing her pretty much cheating behaviour because she lacks the control to not have sex. I can just imagine what would happen in the future.

[Toffie]

It's part of their "agreement" when they separated the last time. That they would just live together and not put anything into it. But with her needs, she went crazy and extended the agreement to involve sex. And it's a thing they've been doing long before we met... I really hate it myself, but... I don't want to keep her needs unsatisfied /: So I try to let her go on with it till she comes to me, letting her get her needs satisfied that way..

Different people see it in different situation, I know the decision your going to make will affect you life alot, but you met her parents and travelled across the world to be with her, how are you two not in a relationship, I'd never let a women do that to me, It's cruel.

If you found her through a dating site, then try looking for someone else. You already found someone that are attracted to you, surely that means someone else is gonna be.

[Deleted]

While this may not be totally true, what it sounds like to me is....she just isn't THAT into you. Sorry.

Women, as a general rule, link sex with affection/love. So, that would be clue number 1. Number 2, she's told you pretty much, she likes her ex's new way of treating her. Number 3, even those people who are bad at expressing emotion/feeling, generally can/will with the person they love.

If I were you, I'd look elsewhere....but that's if I were you /shrug

[Silhouette of Seraphim]

~snip~

So, summary, you're in two different countries and she's sleeping with someone else.

That shit would not fly with me.

[Seiken3]

As explained above - we're not seeing each other as girlfriend and boyfriend. We're still "dating"(or at least how one can do it through internet).


Yeah, I've been told over and over again to don't be with her, stop seeing her and such. I've gone out of my way for her - I have. Even lost the MoP-opening for her!(:P I went over to USA the days MoP was released), but that's really just minor. The fact I traveled far and to only be with her should say something...

Anyways, I see that most of you, well, all of you want me to end this all. I'll try to hold on to her at least for a couple of more months, hoping she will come over, and hoping we will eventually get to talk things through soon. I brought it up for her faintly a two weeks ago, but she snapped and told me to trust her. And I do, but... As explained above - I can't help but worrying.

[Deleted]

It's part of their "agreement" when they separated the last time. That they would just live together and not put anything into it. But with her needs, she went crazy and extended the agreement to involve sex. And it's a thing they've been doing long before we met... I really hate it myself, but... I don't want to keep her needs unsatisfied /: So I try to let her go on with it till she comes to me, letting her get her needs satisfied that way..

Time to leave, if she prefers cheating on you because she can't be arsed to just please herself then it's not gonna end well. Leave her dude, she ain't worth it.

Anyways, I see that most of you, well, all of you want me to end this all. I'll try to hold on to her at least for a couple of more months, hoping she will come over, and hoping we will eventually get to talk things through soon. I brought it up for her faintly a two weeks ago, but she snapped and told me to trust her. And I do, but... As explained above - I can't help but worrying.

Don't be a pussy dude, do it now, she's already set the bar for your future relationship and it's not set high obviously. If she truly cared she wouldn't get pissed off if you wanted to talk about her sexing with her ex, what she's doing is just plain uncaring and wrong. Dump her now while you still can.

While I haven't been in a relationship I've been in an incredibly similar situation as you speak of now, and trust me, it doesn't end well. At all.

[Aeluron Lightsong]

Let her go man. If she's cheating on you or at least having sex with another man time you leave.

[Seiken3]

Time to leave, if she prefers cheating on you because she can't be arsed to just please herself then it's not gonna end well. Leave her dude, she ain't worth it.

I guess here the discussion about "Define cheating" starts. I don't really look at it as cheating since we're not together. Surely, if she is my girlfriend, I would object. But.. *shrugs* I agree I dislike it.... Laying in bed every night, thinking about that somewhere in the night sky there is a guy fucking the girl I love...

[Silhouette of Seraphim]

As explained above - we're not seeing each other as girlfriend and boyfriend. We're still "dating"(or at least how one can do it through internet).


Yeah, I've been told over and over again to don't be with her, stop seeing her and such. I've gone out of my way for her - I have. Even lost the MoP-opening for her!(:P I went over to USA the days MoP was released), but that's really just minor. The fact I traveled far and to only be with her should say something...

Anyways, I see that most of you, well, all of you want me to end this all. I'll try to hold on to her at least for a couple of more months, hoping she will come over, and hoping we will eventually get to talk things through soon. I brought it up for her faintly a two weeks ago, but she snapped and told me to trust her. And I do, but... As explained above - I can't help but worrying.

It's just real difficult from a realistic perspective to see it working out well for you.

I'd get some actual solid plans to be together assembled soon, or just stop wasting your time.

---------- Post added 2012-12-28 at 07:54 PM ----------

I guess here the discussion about "Define cheating" starts. I don't really look at it as cheating since we're not together. Surely, if she is my girlfriend, I would object. But.. *shrugs* I agree I dislike it.... Laying in bed every night, thinking about that somewhere in the night sky there is a guy fucking the girl I love...

Not much reason to put yourself through that.

[Deleted]

I guess here the discussion about "Define cheating" starts. I don't really look at it as cheating since we're not together. Surely, if she is my girlfriend, I would object. But.. *shrugs* I agree I dislike it.... Laying in bed every night, thinking about that somewhere in the night sky there is a guy fucking the girl I love...

That's just the worst thing you can say to yourself. Don't put the blame on something else but her, again, she's the one setting the bar for your relationship piss-low by having sex with another guy when really, the only thing keeping you from being in a relationship is the distance.