Not even kidding.
Here he is.
So I seriously require help in what I should do. I'm no animal expert and I have no idea if he's hurt or what. He doesn't seem capable of flight though he's certainly able to scurry around on the ground.
Right now I have him under a blanket in my bathroom but his breathing is very rapid. The local bat rescue doesn't have a 24/7 800 number (It seems to just be a residence) and the world isn't exactly swarming with bat lovers who know what to do when they find one on the ground that I can ask.