Girlfriend doesn't want marriage

[stenr862]

So I'll give you a bit of background before anything. Basically I have been in a relationship for six months now and no I am NOT planning on getting married anytime soon. I am 19 and so is she. However, I did want to get married by around 25 years of age not because I need to validate my love for someone but because I feel its merely the next logical step in a relationship after a few years. Of course we might not be together in a few years, however I sincerely hope we are. So we had this talk a few days ago and I said that I had never even considered a relationship unless I thought that it could get somewhere with someone (this came after being in a relationship with a few women which inevitably ended in bitterness and anguish). I have declined going on dates or going out with people just on the basis that I don't think it would go very far.

In this talk, a few things were said. She said she didn't see herself getting married until 30 possibly 35 and she saw herself traveling a lot in her lifetime. I was thinking: But why enter a relationship (tell me you love me) when you are eventually going to get ready to leave this country and travel for as long as you can? What is the point in that? Did you just have this relationship for fun or does it actually mean something? Admittedly, her past relationships especially with her father and men in her family haven't been too good (she hates most men especially her father, and most of her aunties got divorced, as did her mother). She ended up saying that she feels I'm putting a lot of pressure on her because she never planned on getting married so early at 25.

How should I feel about this? I feel quite pessimistic about this relationship after learning all of this... I feel almost like what was the point if you always knew you were going to leave eventually.

[Deleted]

buy fucking flowers, travel the world with her and enjoy your time. one day at a time

[Rukentuts]

Some people just find marriage constricting. It doesn't mean they cannot have a normal healthy relationship. In addition, you're both young; attitudes may change over time.

[Speedlance]

a bit early to plan marriage at 19, I'd wait til 50 when you have chest pains and a bad back then you can settle down and put a chain on your woman. Don't expect a young girl to settle, woman have plans and discoveries to do, you know men only got 1 discovery and thats the first time the stick is hard and you rub it.

[FusedMass]

A piece of paper does not exactly say that you two will be with each other forever. If you need a paper to say that then perhaps you two are not ready. It looks like she wants to keep her options open. There's nothing wrong with that. In time if you two are meant to be she will be with only you. However forcing issue of marriage. Just focus on having fun with time you have instead of worrying about the future.

It's not worth the stress.

[stenr862]

I don't know if her vision included me in her travels. I hope they do because I would personally love to participate in world travels.

[Reeve]

Honestly, my opinion is that it's a bad idea to get married before the age of 25 or so. People change a LOT between the ages of 18 and 25, and there's no guarantee you'll change together. It's far more common for people to change in ways that pull them apart, and if you're married, that can end very badly. Better to enjoy your relationship, realize you're going to be very different than you are now in 6 years' time, and hope that you'll still feel the same way about the person then. If you still do, then you should get married. Getting married early CAN work, but often it's just asking for trouble.

[vizzle]

Feelings change and people change all the time. If you and her stay strong and in love for the next 6 years, I wouldn't be surprised if her attitude is different. And if not? Then what's wrong? If you guys are still together, that's all that matters.

[stenr862]

Thanks everyone this IS giving me perspective on the matter. I do agree, I don't want to get married NOW but I did eventually want to and shes the only one I see it happening with right now. I am basically just extrapolating while she is in the picture. And I like what I see.

[StayTuned]

Lol...19 and he's talking about getting married anytime soon.

Don't pressure her with shit talk like that... even by your own words you are 6 years too early to marry any1, so why do you feel the need to bring that topic up right now?

Travel the world with her, enjoy your time... don't think about marriage and stuff like that without even having a slight clue of what is going down on you once you are married.

[Deleted]

Everyone will eventually die so what's the point in living?

[Cirque]

buy fucking flowers, travel the world with her and enjoy your time. one day at a time

Probably the best advice in this thread. You're worried about something you can't predict, you have no idea where you'll stand in 6 years, take it from me. If you feel your relationship has no future then end it, but as long as it has a chance to it, and it has, why would you hurry? I think she shows more wisdom than you do - marriage is no "logical step", it is something you can do if you both feel up for it. It is by no means a requirement for a succesful relationship, especially not a requirement before you're X years old. Marry her at 25, 35 - does it matter if you love each other?

[StayTuned]

Everyone will eventually die so what's the point in living?

Dude, you are so deep, I can't even see you anymore.


The thing is not to rush things... especially not when you are as young as OP. Love her until you guys die... marriage is something to save taxes later on.

[Reeve]

Probably the best advice in this thread. You're worried about something you can't predict, you have no idea where you'll stand in 6 years, take it from me. If you feel your relationship has no future then end it, but as long as it has a chance to it, and it has, why would you hurry? I think she shows more wisdom than you do - marriage is no "logical step", it is something you can do if you both feel up for it. It is by no means a requirement for a succesful relationship, especially not a requirement before you're X years old. Marry her at 25, 35 - does it matter if you love each other?

Right. Marrying someone because it's the "next logical step" in the script of your life is about the worst reason to get married, ever. Yet it's the reason a ton of people get married.

[Deleted]

Do what you feel like doing, when you are 25 and have a stable life if you feel you should propose to her because you want to construct a life together. Then go for it, if she loves you she will say yes if she doesn't well who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you?

[Deleted]

You're both 19. All that needs to be said. Also setting up milestones like that is not smart for any age.

[Austilias]

When married you will tend to find yourself with a considerable degree of greater legal protection and financial benefits such as tax breaks. For that reason I tend to find those who are wholly averse to the notion to be averse to a notion of (legal) responsibility in the relationship. And I mean really, if you truly love someone, what is there to lose in marrying anyway?

If you do get married however, try to arrange a pre-nuptial agreement;

The content of a prenuptial agreement can vary widely, but commonly includes provisions for division of property and spousal support in the event of divorce or breakup of marriage. They may also include terms for the forfeiture of assets as a result of divorce on the grounds of adultery; further conditions of guardianship may be included as well.

Much as you may profess to love someone, such an agreement caters for the future which no one can read or predict; as well as saving a boatload of trouble in the case of divorce/divorce where a child is involved, etc.

[Deleted]

How should I feel about this? I feel quite pessimistic about this relationship after learning all of this... I feel almost like what was the point if you always knew you were going to leave eventually.

In my opinion, it is absolutely clear from the outset, from the very beginning of every relationship that it eventually will end.
Not necessarily because we all have to die sometimes (@ poster above), but because people change. Guess I just have a different view on that subject.

Anyway: Enjoy the time with her now. As others already said: Don't worry what might be between you in six years.
Eventually, there will come the time when you are 25 and finally want to marry her.
If you are still together at that time, you still can see what the possibilities are and decide. There's no need to rush anything.

[StayTuned]

If you do get married however, try to arrange a pre-nuptial agreement;



Much as you may profess to love someone, such an agreement caters for the future which no one can read or predict; as well as saving a boatload of trouble in the case of divorce/divorce where a child is involved, etc.

OR, it could cause immediate breakup.

"What, hon, you don't trust me?"
"No, yes, I mean... I do, b-but, I just want to be prepared for the unforeseeable."
"HOW CAN WE GET MARRIED IF YOU DON'T EVEN TRUST ME???"
"What is this, I don't even..."

[FathomFear]

I don't know if her vision included me in her travels. I hope they do because I would personally love to participate in world travels.

I don't say this to be ageist, but try to remind yourself that you're both 19. By general experience is that people change quite a bit between 18 and 25. Often there's a tendency to have very idealistic ambitions for the future when a person is in his or her teens, and this tends to change as time passes.

Having said that, it's perfectly possible that marriage has no draw for her. I'll be 34 this year and still have as little to desire to marry as I did when I was 24. It's just not something I'm interested in.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't worry about it for now. Just ride the wave. You may or may not find yourself in the same relationship years from now. But if you do, you should have a much better sense if this is really a hard conflict or not.