What Should i do/not do concerning a best friend's use of drugs

[Deleted]

Do not call the police on your friend either, Jesus!

Meth and MDMA are two drastically different drugs. If she ever moves on to harder drugs like Meth/Heroin then you should start calling the police.

[Wildtree]

The fact of the matter is this.

You can try what ever you want. And you will miserably fail. For all what will happen is, you wearing yourself out. You'll get hurt beyond what you think can hurt.
The key to everything is, that she has to want to get back on track. If that is not given, any attempt is a waste of effort and time.
The most successful way to recovery of an addict is to let them hit rock bottom. Do NOT provide a safety net. If you do that, they will not learn. They rather learn the wrong message. That they will not have to face any consequence, because someone's there to cover their ass.
I am totally aware that my words may sound harsh, even almost brutal. But there's really no other way. You can go and talk to doctors and therapists, and they will tell you exactly that. You have to trigger the persons inner will for survival. As long as that isn't triggered there is no chance in hell for them to let go, what ever the drug is they are addicted to.
For all you can do is, to be there once they've hit rock bottom..

Example:
Friend of mine's son is an alcoholic. He's drinking ever since I know him, for 15 years now, and has already before I met him. He's a nutcase if you will. He lost all ability to live a normal social life. He can't keep a job, he can't keep a place to live. He is unable to take care of himself for a longer period of time. And he will not change, until the day he finally jumps in the box. The reason is, that every time he fucks up royally by losing just another job, losing just another place, his mother - my friends girlfriend - is there to take him in and give him shelter.
How bad is it? Well....... He managed to lose a "dream job" where the whole job environment was super relaxed and easy going, with the boss of the company even smoking a joint once in a while with his employees during lunch. He also managed to get kicked out of a halfway house. I mean.... DUH.. halfway house, a place entirely there to handle and deal with addicts. One really needs to stretch it very far if those people losing patience and kick someone out.
And this pattern goes on for over 15 years.. He's in his 30s now, and the alcohol kind of made him stuck in a brain of an 19 year old.

On the contrary, I've had a family member falling into alcohol too.. We've succeeded after we surrendered and put ourselves together to let the person fall on it's face.
We let them hit rock bottom, and boy that hurt big time. Watching someone you love in such situation, but it helped.

It is what it is. The person itself has to want it, or it won't happen.

[Daymanmb]

Do not call the police on your friend either, Jesus!

Meth and MDMA are two drastically different drugs. If she ever moves on to harder drugs like Meth/Heroin then you should start calling the police.

Agreed. A possession charge will follow her forever no matter if she smartens up or not, but especially if she does youll fuck her for life!

---------- Post added 2013-03-17 at 12:34 AM ----------

It is what it is. The person itself has to want it, or it won't happen.

Bingo! BUT rock bottom doesnt have to be the trigger. Your friend's girlfriend's son is a loser by every right of the word, but not everyone who does drugs is. Not everyone needs to hit rock bottom to want to change. And youll never know until you try.

[Wildtree]

Bingo! BUT rock bottom doesnt have to be the trigger. Your friend's girlfriend's son is a loser by every right of the word, but not everyone who does drugs is. Not everyone needs to hit rock bottom to want to change. And youll never know until you try.

Yeah, agreed, he is a loser. And yes of course that not everyone needs to get to rock bottom. But those people usually express some sort of a will. But with the OP's case. I doubt it somehow. That woman isn't apparently willing to realize how destructive her relationship is. She would have to let go of that guy first.
Op needs to basically find out whether that woman even wants to change anything.

[Darkrulerxxx]

Basically more information is like this

-Around the second year of being friends with her, she was raped by a person (i had no clue of this until she confessed to me earlier this year)
-The new boyfriend swooped in and practically took advantage of the situation of being the nice guy and she fell in love with him
-the boyfriend is out of control when it comes to being jealous and controlling (falsely accusing her of cheating, looking at cell phone calls/texts)
-it was revealed to me from her that he cheated on her
-i believe because of this traumatic event that happened to her she is somehow stuck on him because he was offering support to her and she cant get past it
-ironically, she met this girl at a christian university that introduced her to MDMA while promising me at the same time that she would never do it (apparently a lie because she told me last night she has done it)
-i go with her and invite her to my parties that i have with a close group of friends just for having good ol' fashion drinking fun, i always watch out and make sure she doesn't go overboard
-she tends to shut everyone out (including me, a person whos been there through all the shit shes been through) when things get rough with the boyfriend
-Side note: I used to love her a long time ago (the point where i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, it was somewhat reciprocated, but lost when she picked asshole guys over me, inevitably leading me to losing her as a person i wanted to be with to a best friend). i knew i could never be with her, and its hard to see her go down so hard.

it really is all fucked up, i tend to agree with some of these users here that something needs to be done (Talking to her again, although it feels like it wont work as i've done it before), but i also agree that i feel that nothing can be done and she has to hit rock bottom. i've been to that point and i recovered and fixed myself, but i also needed the help. Its so hard to know what to do. I honestly feel that i need to be drastic and say that i can't be a part of her life if she continues to destroy herself. Is that a bad part on my end to not see the person i love destroy herself?

[ibnalail]

I've dealt with this kind of situation with my sister. IMO, I'd skip the whole pretense of pointing out her problems {drugs, alcohol, boyfriend}. She already knows things suck and she's self-medicating to try and feel, well, free. She probably won't admit it, she might not even realize it. She might still be in the mindset of she's just trying to have "one frickin' day where things are happy and fun", which of course backfires every time. You getting actively involved with it, by pointing at her drinking and boyfriend is only going to turn him against you and he'll make it out that YOU are the problem. He'll do anything he can to keep her under his control, and isolating her from people that he can't control, like you, is part of that. You already know he's that kind of person by how you describe him "swooping in" and taking advantage of the rape situation.

He wants someone utterly broken that he can totally control. Like you said, when things are bad between them, she shuts everyone else out. And the fact that you were at one point obviously interested in her is only going to be fuel for him..."He's just trying to get into your pants, and you're just leading him on getting drunk and running to him. So what, you're going to get wasted and let him rape you like that other guy? Is that what you want?" This is the way people like that work.

I went the whole "pointing out the issues" route with my sister. Even though I did it in the most passive, "I'm worried about you and just want you to be happy" way, it still went bad and turned both of them against me. She refused to speak to or even acknowledge me for about a year. Twice.

You're lucky enough that you're close to her and can be a constant influence on her. Try suggesting that she see a councilor. Not AA or anything like that, don't frame it in a way that makes it look like it's about anything she's doing "wrong", just a person she can talk to that's not going to get directly involved in what's going on. Frame it as someone she can rant at without any repercussions. Stress relief.

Or better yet, get her involved in something that will build her self-esteem, like running or kickboxing, something that will make her feel strong, accomplished and in control of something. Take her out with your friends doing something fun that doesn't involve drinking, like hiking. These are things that will help her clear her head, work out stress and filter out all the different things pulling at her so she can just focus on herself for a while and hopefully build herself up enough that she realizes she doesn't have to live under someone else's thumb. It might take a while, but I'd be willing to bet that everything else is just a side effect of her shattered self-esteem {which her boyfriend is no doubt constantly reshattering} and once she starts to get some of her own life back, she'll decide she doesn't need to punish herself by letting other people treat her like some irreparably broken thing that deserves to be treated like garbage.

[mtawney1313]

Not to come off as shallow or anything but why would you even want to associate yourself with this woman? Unless the guy is forcing or threatening her to stay with him, she's making the CHOICE to do this stuff. She's 20 years old and fully capable of making her own decisions (and mind you, those decisions definitely do NOT have you in mind. Friendship IS a two-way street). Whatever friendship you had is one of the past and I would strongly recommend distancing yourself from her (not necessarily stay away, but she doesn't sound like the kind of best friend I want to have either). Here's a great way to test the waters and see if anything you have to say even remotely matters to her. It's going to be a tough step but a necessary one. ready to hear it? Okay....Do nothing...Yes, do absolutely nothing. Don't call her. Don't text her. NOTHING. Do absolutely NOTHING (not even a response to anything she tries to send) until she asks something along the lines of "Heyyyy why won't you talk to me anymore omg." NOW is the time to break the news to her that you just think the two of you have gone on different paths, but it's time for you to move on. Don't be dramatic about it. Indifferent is probably the right kind of mindset to have while having this talk. Now observe how she reacts. If she get's angry and pissed, you're going to have to wait until she is no longer angry and pissed to make the observation. She will do one of two things (after she's angry if she even does get angry). She will either act indifferently or she will beg and plead for you to be friends and "cool" with her again. If she acts indifferent, NO effort on your part will EVER work and you just need to stay away from her for good. If she begs and pleads or acts cute and tries to be cool with you, this is NOW the time to bring up your concerns as she will be receptive to what you have to say. This does not guarantee she will change but it will make it more likely. Make it clear to her that if she doesnt make an honest effort to change her ways that the two of you will part ways for good. If she digs herself back to rock bottom again, then ditch the effort. You will look back at it 10 years from now when you have a wife and kid wondering why you were even wasting your time.

[Ryuukon]

So Long story short, i've known my best friend for about 8 years now...very close to her we share everything together shes practically my younger sister...

She has been having a lot of issues going on with her relationship with her over-controlling boyfriend which amounted to them getting into a massive fight

she deals with it by drinking uncontrollably, (Resulting in alcohol poisoning, solved it by taking her own, making sure shes alright)

In her drunken state, she confessed to be doing MDMA with her friend at an often rate, (also confirmed with her friend telling me about it)

I feel like shes really spiraling out of control and not dealing with the situation properly and obviously i'm more concerned with her starting to do illegal drugs when shes at a point in her life that it can screw everything up

As a best friend i have a hard time knowing what i should or shouldnt do, say or dont say, act or dont act.

What lovely advice would you guys impart on a person that desperately needs some help. Thanks

You need to do everything in your power to show her that she needs to stop, but do it in such a way to not alienate her. That would just make matters worse.

And there in lies the trick that so many interventions have failed at.

That said, you are the only one that can answer your own question. You need to be tactful about it, as much as possible. You know how far to push her, or how far is too far.

If nothing else, tell her that you love her (which you apparently do), she is your little sister (she apparently is), and that seeing her do that to herself kills you a little more inside every time you see her do it. Tell her that every day you see her like that, that's one less day of her life that you two will have together, and that it's adding up. Tell her that there will come a time where you just can't watch her do it anymore, and either you will take extreme measures to show her the folly of her ways, or you will just leave so you don't have to watch her kill herself anymore.

And ultimately you need to look deep within yourself and decide if you actually do want to watch her do this to herself anymore. I understand you care for her a lot, but it sounds like a very toxic relationship that will ultimately affect you in a very negative way. If she won't listen, if she won't look at what she is doing to herself, and also to you, then you need to decide for yourself when enough is enough and let her live her own live separate from yours.

[Deleted]

People need to go through bad stuff sometimes to learn what they need to learn, as harsh as that sounds. Like, you take these people and stage interventions, put them in rehab and everything, they just reject it. Then they hit rock bottom, and (God willing) if they don't die, they hopefully learn what they need to learn to get right.

I'll put myself out there and say I got into meth at 19 and lost my job, my home, ended up literally on the streets. After several years of bad living I finally called up my mother (who I hadn't spoken to in years) and asked her to give me another chance. After the years of hell I lived through, I value my employment and home so much today, and I know what being a drug addict can do, so I stay employed and clean, and look forward to building a life for myself. But if you had tried to tell me %$@! when I was 19? I would have blown you off completely. Couldn't tell me nothin'. So unfortunately, you can try to tell these people you care about, but I swear, some people just got to learn the hard way.

That doesn't mean don't try to stage interventions, put her in rehab, call the cops on her, but I know what it's like to have deferred issues. Deferred by drugs, deferred by attitude, deferred until the day it's time to pay the piper.

Good luck, but do not beat yourself up, because this is just what happens to some people. The good news is, they can overcome if they learn some hard, painful life lessons. I know first hand.

Well it's nice to hear a good story, and well done to you for going over the addiction but... not all people do it. In fact, unfortunately you're the minority, many become so addicted they can't break off because when they do they don't feel positive emotions anymore due to extensive drug abuse that ruined their pleasure receptors in their brain.
This is why many drug addicts start taking more drugs and more powerful drugs in time, because the old drugs start to have less and less effect.

Unfortunately... as I also said, if left to continue for too long, many of these people end up on the streets or dead.
The issue here is that the OP's friend has some psychological problems too, shown by the fact that she keeps staying with an abusive boyfriend. If that's not fixed, she won't ever stop drugs. So the OP needs to move her away from her boyfriend and her druggie friend. Both are horrible influences on her life and with them in the picture she won't realize even if she does hit rock bottom.

---------- Post added 2013-03-17 at 01:40 PM ----------

Basically more information is like this

-Around the second year of being friends with her, she was raped by a person (i had no clue of this until she confessed to me earlier this year)
-The new boyfriend swooped in and practically took advantage of the situation of being the nice guy and she fell in love with him
-the boyfriend is out of control when it comes to being jealous and controlling (falsely accusing her of cheating, looking at cell phone calls/texts)
-it was revealed to me from her that he cheated on her
-i believe because of this traumatic event that happened to her she is somehow stuck on him because he was offering support to her and she cant get past it
-ironically, she met this girl at a christian university that introduced her to MDMA while promising me at the same time that she would never do it (apparently a lie because she told me last night she has done it)
-i go with her and invite her to my parties that i have with a close group of friends just for having good ol' fashion drinking fun, i always watch out and make sure she doesn't go overboard
-she tends to shut everyone out (including me, a person whos been there through all the shit shes been through) when things get rough with the boyfriend
-Side note: I used to love her a long time ago (the point where i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, it was somewhat reciprocated, but lost when she picked asshole guys over me, inevitably leading me to losing her as a person i wanted to be with to a best friend). i knew i could never be with her, and its hard to see her go down so hard.

it really is all fucked up, i tend to agree with some of these users here that something needs to be done (Talking to her again, although it feels like it wont work as i've done it before), but i also agree that i feel that nothing can be done and she has to hit rock bottom. i've been to that point and i recovered and fixed myself, but i also needed the help. Its so hard to know what to do. I honestly feel that i need to be drastic and say that i can't be a part of her life if she continues to destroy herself. Is that a bad part on my end to not see the person i love destroy herself?

Yes, I knew she had some psychological problem... the rape part affected her more then you think. She might not tell you because... well let's be honest, if you were raped, could you easily tell anyone that?

Someone said in the thread you should take her for a trip out somewhere for 2 weeks or so and watch her. I think that's a great idea. Remember though, her bf can't come. Only you and her. You also need to make sure her boyfriend doesn't annoy her with calls too much, it might be necessary in second-third day to do something about that. And then you need to watch her with the drugs. She'll probably get some with her so yea. But this could be a good measure. In the end she'll have time to do something else then think of her abusive boyfriend and druggie friend, hopefully she'll have fun and so on.

[Djuntas]

What you should do ? Tell them about the funny world of drugs...Tell them the story off my older brother. Anyone who does drugs deserves whats coming them.

PS smoking cigaretes and marihuna is a gate way drug

[Deleted]

I've dealt with this kind of situation with my sister. IMO, I'd skip the whole pretense of pointing out her problems {drugs, alcohol, boyfriend}. She already knows things suck and she's self-medicating to try and feel, well, free. She probably won't admit it, she might not even realize it. She might still be in the mindset of she's just trying to have "one frickin' day where things are happy and fun", which of course backfires every time. You getting actively involved with it, by pointing at her drinking and boyfriend is only going to turn him against you and he'll make it out that YOU are the problem. He'll do anything he can to keep her under his control, and isolating her from people that he can't control, like you, is part of that. You already know he's that kind of person by how you describe him "swooping in" and taking advantage of the rape situation.

He wants someone utterly broken that he can totally control. Like you said, when things are bad between them, she shuts everyone else out. And the fact that you were at one point obviously interested in her is only going to be fuel for him..."He's just trying to get into your pants, and you're just leading him on getting drunk and running to him. So what, you're going to get wasted and let him rape you like that other guy? Is that what you want?" This is the way people like that work.

I went the whole "pointing out the issues" route with my sister. Even though I did it in the most passive, "I'm worried about you and just want you to be happy" way, it still went bad and turned both of them against me. She refused to speak to or even acknowledge me for about a year. Twice.

You're lucky enough that you're close to her and can be a constant influence on her. Try suggesting that she see a councilor. Not AA or anything like that, don't frame it in a way that makes it look like it's about anything she's doing "wrong", just a person she can talk to that's not going to get directly involved in what's going on. Frame it as someone she can rant at without any repercussions. Stress relief.

Or better yet, get her involved in something that will build her self-esteem, like running or kickboxing, something that will make her feel strong, accomplished and in control of something. Take her out with your friends doing something fun that doesn't involve drinking, like hiking. These are things that will help her clear her head, work out stress and filter out all the different things pulling at her so she can just focus on herself for a while and hopefully build herself up enough that she realizes she doesn't have to live under someone else's thumb. It might take a while, but I'd be willing to bet that everything else is just a side effect of her shattered self-esteem {which her boyfriend is no doubt constantly reshattering} and once she starts to get some of her own life back, she'll decide she doesn't need to punish herself by letting other people treat her like some irreparably broken thing that deserves to be treated like garbage.

This is also amazing advice, even better then mine!
Follow this OP!

[Aspect of Death]

Talk to her, try and make her understand and listen. If it doesn't work then don't bother doing anything.

It's her choice, if she wants to do this, then noone should stay in her way. Nothing is more annoying than people telling you what is "best for you", or what you can't do. Your friend needs to understand that she needs to stop by herself.

[Djuntas]

Talk to her, try and make her understand and listen. If it doesn't work then don't bother doing anything.

It's her choice, if she wants to do this, then noone should stay in her way. Nothing is more annoying than people telling you what is "best for you", or what you can't do. Your friend needs to understand that she needs to stop by herself.

It shoulden't be a choice. Drugs addicts ruins families, friends, relasions and you're self. My older brother is maybe a rare case, but at age 25+ hes got no or little job exsperience, dunno if any education at all, and hes/was involved inn crime for quit many years, and served time. Outside of this he is a general okay guy, but drugs changes a person, alot - And its only for the worser.

[Darkrulerxxx]

Thanks guys for the input. I sort of feel that i need to make a drastic change in our friendship and i'm going to confront her on everything. If i feel like she is not willing to do anything about it or value the friendship i have with her....It's sort of hard but i feel like i have to leave her....although i don't want to but i feel like its my last card i have in my hand.

[Zoranon]

Whatever you do do not force them to do anything or choose between people.

Let my story serve as a warning:
I had a friend which started doing drugs at 17, he would not take advice. At 19 his parents along with his best friend took him by force into rehab. After a year he was let out as a ruin and started doing drugs again. Then, at 22 he finally found enough inner strength to rebuild his life. A happy ending you would say, BUT.

He hates his family and his ex-best friend for that forced rehab. He has not talked to them ever since he left it and I don't think he ever will again. When I brought the subject of his family up once, he told me straight out that if I ever talk of them again, he will cut me of, too.

If you attempt to change someone by force, not only will you probably fail, but you risk breaking them.

Also do not EVER call police on someone you want to help.

[Deleted]

Thanks guys for the input. I sort of feel that i need to make a drastic change in our friendship and i'm going to confront her on everything. If i feel like she is not willing to do anything about it or value the friendship i have with her....It's sort of hard but i feel like i have to leave her....although i don't want to but i feel like its my last card i have in my hand.

Even if this person refuses to change is there one good reason why you still can't be their friend?

[Daymanmb]

PS smoking cigaretes and marihuna is a gate way drug

Just saying it doesnt make it so. Science says otherwise. Science > myths.

Have a read http://medicalmarijuana.procon.org/s...IOM_Report.pdf
"There is no conclusive evidence that the drug effects of marijuana are causally linked to the subsequent abuse of other illicit drugs."

I'd also steer clear of the ultimatum route personally. Are you prepared to commit to it? Is she stubborn enough to essentially tell you off just for putting her in that position?

[Championn]

If you truly love your best friend, get them into rehab ASAP. Tell her parents, family so they can help. Or you could just turn her into the police and that way she can become sober in jail.

[Self Inflicted Wounds]

My best friend died in college after overdosing on methadone and cocaine. I sure wish I tried harder to get him to stop.

Try talking to your friend, convince her to go to a few AA meetings, and offer to with her. If she refuses, tell her parents. She'll hate you for it in the short term, but she'll be alive.

I agree with this. What separates a best friend from a normal friend is the part where they can say anything to their best friends.

I'm not saying call the police or force anything on her at this point, but as a best friend, you should be doing anything in your power to protect.

[A Day to Remember]

Get her arrested for drug possession, she might get the hint.