Girlfriend seems unreasonably pissed off at me

[Arngrim310]

So I have informed my friends of the situation and they all agree with me, but that's what friends do; so I wanted to get some opinions from people "outside" the situation.

So my girlfriend and I live together but work opposite schedules. She works 6-2 and I work 4-10. We don't see each other everyday save for in the morning and when I go to bed. However we both have Sundays and Wednesdays off together and I don't work Thursdays either so we spend that together too when she gets home. I have a few hobbies, online gaming (which I never play when we are both home together unless she is in bed and I am still up) and local theater with a group of friends I have been performing with for years. Now the thing is that I haven't done a show for almost a full year (the majority of the time we have been together) and recently I had auditioned for two shows, one opens this month, the other in June. She wasn't happy as they rehearse one day a week but it's on Sunday and takes up a decent chunk of the day (10-5). So I knew she was upset that we wouldn't have Sundays together for a while so I dropped out of the one opening this month.

Rehearsals for the next one go 8 weeks and start in May, but like I said, only one day a week. She says that I am being selfish and only thinking about myself by planning something on "one of our days". I feel like she is being unfair as I am not asking to do 8 shows a year, this will be my first one since last spring. It escalated so fast that she now tells me she doesn't give a shit what I do is now blowing me off today because she "can be busy too". I don't feel like I'm asking a lot to take up some time on Sundays for a few weeks on a hobby I love and have done my whole life.

Am I being selfish and just not noticing? Any advice from anyone that may have had a similar situation?

[chrisberb]

It doesn't seem that you're being unreasonable or selfish. I can understand her being a little upset that the two of yours time together is getting cut down a bit, but she should be happy that you're using some of that time to do something you enjoy.

[Arngrim310]

It doesn't seem that you're being unreasonable or selfish. I can understand her being a little upset that the two of yours time together is getting cut down a bit, but she should be happy that you're using some of that time to do something you enjoy.

She has never said it about theater, but she does think my other hobbies like gaming are a waste of time and I really do get the impression she wishes I didn't act as well. Like I said though, she never outright said she doesn't want me doing theater, I just get that impression.

[Azgarde]

Well, you have the right to do it, in my opinion. However, she also has the right to plan something up on one of your other days together. How would you react if she came to you, telling you that now on Wednesdays, she's going to have some activity that takes more than half of her day ? Would you blame her and tell her she's the reason why you guys can't spend time together ?

This is something you guys need to talk about. If it's only for let's say a month, I guess it is not too bad.

When you are in a relationship and living with someone else, you need to make things called "sacrifices". You need to give up on a couple things you'd like in order to have a wonderful relationship (that goes for her as well).

That being said, I know of a couple people who live together and end up seeing each other only in the morning and at night. I, personally, don't think it's a good way of living, but it seems they are happy that way. Good for them ! But if you wanna spend some quality time with your lover, maybe you should rethink about it ?

Edit: Typo

[grandpab]

Am I being selfish?

Or you could take it the other way and say your girlfriend is being selfish by not letting you do anything.

It's not your fault you don't get to choose which day rehearsals are on.

What day would the final show be on? Would she be able to go? If so, you would think she would at least be looking forward to watching your performance, and would want to be supporting you throughout.

[Deleted]

No you are not.

She knew before she got with you that theater was a big thing for you, if anything she should be supporting you with something you enjoy. She sounds petty in my opinion and without wanting to tell you what todo with your life I would take a look in the mirror and ask yourself is she worth giving up something you love todo.

[Wikko]

Or ofcourse you could try and get your girlfriend to participate with you in the theater...

[Gheld]

So I have informed my friends of the situation and they all agree with me, but that's what friends do; so I wanted to get some opinions from people "outside" the situation.

So my girlfriend and I live together but work opposite schedules. She works 6-2 and I work 4-10. We don't see each other everyday save for in the morning and when I go to bed. However we both have Sundays and Wednesdays off together and I don't work Thursdays either so we spend that together too when she gets home. I have a few hobbies, online gaming (which I never play when we are both home together unless she is in bed and I am still up) and local theater with a group of friends I have been performing with for years. Now the thing is that I haven't done a show for almost a full year (the majority of the time we have been together) and recently I had auditioned for two shows, one opens this month, the other in June. She wasn't happy as they rehearse one day a week but it's on Sunday and takes up a decent chunk of the day (10-5). So I knew she was upset that we wouldn't have Sundays together for a while so I dropped out of the one opening this month.

Rehearsals for the next one go 8 weeks and start in May, but like I said, only one day a week. She says that I am being selfish and only thinking about myself by planning something on "one of our days". I feel like she is being unfair as I am not asking to do 8 shows a year, this will be my first one since last spring. It escalated so fast that she now tells me she doesn't give a shit what I do is now blowing me off today because she "can be busy too". I don't feel like I'm asking a lot to take up some time on Sundays for a few weeks on a hobby I love and have done my whole life.

Am I being selfish and just not noticing? Any advice from anyone that may have had a similar situation?

She is being a tid bit unreasonable.

You should talk with her and talk with your theatre group and see if they'll let her come to watch your rehearsals.

[Grym]

Dump her.

If she is like that now, she will have a lot more control and restriction on you if the relationship goes further (or married).

[Skippy88]

I think the only opinion that matters is your girlfriend's and obviously she has a problem with the play and I can't totally blame her. You only spend 2 days plus a few hours a week together so any outside commitment cuts deep into that.

Instead of focusing on the play is there anyway you can get your work schedule changed to match hers? That would free up a crap load of time for you two spend together. Or try to get her work schedule to match hers?

[Azgarde]

I struggle to see how she is that unreasonable. She wants to spend time with her boyfriend. She only sees him 2 days / week. How's she being selfish by wanting to see him both of these days ?

If they live together, I assume they are not teenagers.

I will say again that if it's only for a couple weeks/months, I guess it can be talked through.

But if OP is ready to give up one of these days (long term) and doesn't really care about it, I'd question OP's thinkin of living with someone. I agree that when you love someone, you should let him do what he wants (in a way), but if you love someone, you should also be able to give up on some things you like for that loved one.

---------- Post added 2013-04-10 at 03:11 PM ----------

I have asked her to talk about with me multiple times and she just says "there's nothing to talk about" and avoids me. As far as her taking up something? I know she wanted to try roller derby a few years ago and if she told me she decided to do it but they practice one night a week on a night we spend together, I would tell her that she should do it 100%. I am a firm believer that people should do what makes them happy, in the end we still come home to each other and are still sharing our lives together. Especially because we are not talking about a permanent change. We are talking less than 2 months.

I just feel like if I cave and drop this show as well, my friends will be very hesitant about casting me again in anything seeing as I would be pretty unreliable and I want to be able to the things I love once in a while.

I have also tried to get her involved with theater as well but she says "that's not my thing". Believe me, I have been trying for a year to get her to try the things I like.

Before I go any further, I know how it is. I have about the exact same situation, although I play hockey and not theater (still time consuming anyway).

As you mentioned, it's less than 2 months, so I guess it's something she should be able to understand. But I totally understand her of being mad (girls are mad when they are sad, I tell ya... it's just easier for them to yell and get angry than to explain calmly the situation when they are sad).

The problem here is communication. She has a hard time explaining the situation. And you don't have the opportunity to calm her down and tell her the good points of doing it. Tell her you'll be there for her, that's it's only for less than 2 months and that after this show, you'll spend more time with her.

If you take one thing, you gotta give one out. My 2 cents though !

[Arngrim310]

Well, you have the right to do it, in my opinion. However, she also has the right to plan something up on one of your other days together. How would you react if she came to you, telling you that now on Wednesdays, she's going to have some activity that takes more than half of her day ? Would you blame her and tell her she's the reason why you guys can't spend time together ?

This is something you guys need to talk about. If it's only for let's say a month, I guess it is not too bad.

When you are in a relationship and living with someone else, you need to make things called "sacrifices". You need to give up on a couple things you'd like in order to have a wonderful relationship (that goes for her as well).

That being said, I know of a couple people who live together and end up seeing each other only in the morning and at night. I, personally, don't think it's a good way of living, but it seems they are happy that way. Good for them ! But if you wanna spend some quality time with your lover, maybe you should rethink about it ?

Edit: Typo

I have asked her to talk about with me multiple times and she just says "there's nothing to talk about" and avoids me. As far as her taking up something? I know she wanted to try roller derby a few years ago and if she told me she decided to do it but they practice one night a week on a night we spend together, I would tell her that she should do it 100%. I am a firm believer that people should do what makes them happy, in the end we still come home to each other and are still sharing our lives together. Especially because we are not talking about a permanent change. We are talking less than 2 months.

I just feel like if I cave and drop this show as well, my friends will be very hesitant about casting me again in anything seeing as I would be pretty unreliable and I want to be able to the things I love once in a while.

I have also tried to get her involved with theater as well but she says "that's not my thing". Believe me, I have been trying for a year to get her to try the things I like.

[Kurioxan]

It doesn't seem that you're being unreasonable or selfish. I can understand her being a little upset that the two of yours time together is getting cut down a bit, but she should be happy that you're using some of that time to do something you enjoy.

Cut down a bit, they see eachother twice a week so to say, to cut 1 day off is hardly a bit :P

Anyway I can understand both points of view, none seems unreasonable to me, it will end up towards a matter of respect for eachother or reaching a conclusion that for now you cant do it and move on, each following their own dreams.

There was this quote or saying that always made me think, basically it resumes to you having to evaluate what the cost of your relationship is, if its your dreams and ambitions, then its not worth it.

But you also have to evaluate the time you spend with your girl... you dont see her much as it is, is it really fair to book stuff that will take a whole day on one of the few days you can be with her? What matters to you? make up your mind on THAT, and then decide.
She isnt being unreasonable.

[Arngrim310]

I struggle to see how she is that unreasonable. She wants to spend time with her boyfriend. She only sees him 2 days / week. How's she being selfish by wanting to see him both of these days ?

If they live together, I assume they are not teenagers.

I will say again that if it's only for a couple weeks/months, I guess it can be talked through.

But if OP is ready to give up one of these days (long term) and doesn't really care about it, I'd question OP's thinkin of living with someone. I agree that when you love someone, you should let him do what he wants (in a way), but if you love someone, you should also be able to give up on some things you like for that loved one.

I used to do multiple shows a year and cut back dramatically on it to spend time together. I can't sacrifice everything I do or else I will be happy in one way and miserable in another. As far as work goes, I am back in school during the day and work nights as a waiter. I have been at the same restaurant for 4 years now and I need to work nights to pay my bills till I am done with school. She got her job at a bakery 3 months ago and was offered a position as a night manager essentially working the same hours as me plus a pay increase over her current wages but turned it down because she "think the owner is a dick" and would work directly under him instead of under someone who is under him.

I don't blame her for not wanting to work with someone she doesn't like, I told her I supported her decision to stay on the AM pastry shift. But there would have been an opprotunity for us to spend much much more time together that she turned down.

---------- Post added 2013-04-10 at 07:18 PM ----------

Cut down a bit, they see eachother twice a week so to say, to cut 1 day off is hardly a bit :P

Anyway I can understand both points of view, none seems unreasonable to me, it will end up towards a matter of respect for eachother or reaching a conclusion that for now you cant do it and move on, each following their own dreams.

There was this quote or saying that always made me think, basically it resumes to you having to evaluate what the cost of your relationship is, if its your dreams and ambitions, then its not worth it.

But you also have to evaluate the time you spend with your girl... you dont see her much as it is, is it really fair to book stuff that will take a whole day on one of the few days you can be with her? What matters to you? make up your mind on THAT, and then decide.
She isnt being unreasonable.

At the same time however, we do see each other more than just those two days. We have the majority of thursdays together plus a few hours inbetween her coming home and me leaving on all but monday. And its not the whole day sunday, we would still be able to have dinner together and do whatever else for the rest of the night when I get home.

[DieFichte]

Well, sit together with her and fix it together, if that's not possible, you should both rethink the status of the relationship. If you have borked schedules in your days, you have to more or less accept that, and come to terms with the restrictions of your life, or you're not made for such a relationship.

I work shifts and my girlfriend works 3-11am (+/-) for 6 days a week. (I sometimes work 12-15 days straight with 2-3 days off after that instead of 6-7 days with 1 day off), our relationship works since ~4 years, we just make it happen in the time we have.

[Arngrim310]

Well, sit together with her and fix it together, if that's not possible, you should both rethink the status of the relationship.

I work shifts and my girlfriend works 3-11am (+/-) for 6 days a week. (I sometimes work 12-15 days straight with 2-3 days off after that instead of 6-7 days with 1 day off), our relationship works since ~4 years, we just make it happen in the time we have.

I keep trying but she is refusing to talk to me about it.

[DieFichte]

I keep trying but she is refusing to talk to me about it.

Well found a bigger problem than your scheduling right there.

[MasterOfNone]

You are not married. Tell her to get over it.

[Azgarde]

Yeah, although you need to keep in mind that weekly crap which needs to be done (cleaning, cooking, etc...) doesn't really count towards time spent together. What I'd suggest is trying it out. Tell her that it's going to be an experiment. If you guys end up missing each other very much, then don't do it again. If, on the other side, it ends up being okay, she finds things to do on that day, then you will know you'll be able to take more castings.

Professions and relationships don't go together very well. Sometimes, you have to focus on one more than the other. Just make sure you choose the right one !

Edit: If she refuses to talk about it, then that's the problem right there.

[Ebildays]

She is being selfish by trying to deny you something you have loved doing since before she met you. The big issue is that maybe you and her have different views on how you see your off days. Her issue could be more about that you did not disscuss the plan of doing another play and therefore giving up one of the few days you can spend a few hours together with her. If you look at it that way you are both in the wrong and need to talk about it like adults but if she is going to act like a child that is even worst. Now all she is doing is trying to punish you and guilt you into not doing the play and you have to ask yourself do you really want to be with someone like that in the long run. On top of that if you are getting the feeling that she does not want you doing a hobby that seems to be importan to you as well. I would just look at everything and tell here you need to talk about somethings and move on from there.