Arranged marriage

[Grym]

Arranged marriages are great if it means you are ascending the social ladder. When you are young it is easy to underestimate the importance of being incredibly wealthy and having a high social standing. People that plan these things out are planning for the long term success of your family.

This is what I do not agree.

If I am to marry someone, it is because I love them and want to be with them, not to ascend the social ladder for the better of the family. To be honest they can go to hell if they think like that. 1 less mouth for me to feed when they get old.

[artemishunter1]

Then how is it different to anywhere else? You may be out there getting drunk finding all these people, but your parents can still give you candidates to look at, and ultimately it is your choice who to marry.

Unless it is restricted to: a) you can ONLY marry candidates that your parents give you, that is a no no. b) "They have to get married when time comes", no no, they can get marry whenever they want, or, marry at all or not.

Sorry, did not understand what you were saying.

I was describing the differences in how arranged marriage worked across the globe. Not that it is better or worse than other marriage practices like love marriage. both have pitfalls.

[Olo]

Technically speaking they are more successful in terms of divorce rates. http://www.statisticbrain.com/arrang...ge-statistics/

but that's not an indicator of happiness. Cultures with arranged marriages have a lower tolerance of divorce, greater family pressures, and limited opportunities for single women.

besides, considering the intense pressure placed on young people by their parents i'd argue that many "arranged" marriages border on forced marriages.

[Garnier Fructis]

My concluson so far: Arranged marriage is indeed the better option considering these arguments. I'm not saying 'love marriages' are bound to fail, but it definitely seems like arranged marriages have a lot higher chance of success.

That all depends on what you define as successful.

[serenka]

OP, your example is NOT arranged marriage, as your idea is "parents only give you advice, but ultimately it is your choice", arranged marriage isn't like that, your parents make the choice, you just obey, THAT is arranged marriage.

And arranged marriage is outdated and there is a good reason why the younger generation no longer abid by them.

You should be with whoever you choose to love, if you don't love the person THAT is how divorce happens.

what i was thinking, i always thought of arranged marriage is when you don't really have the choice.

a girl i work with from India said she moved here becuase in India she was being forced into an arranged marriage that she didn't want

[TheGravemind]

I'm an Asian Muslim as well, and I can testify to the fact that despite older generations seeming to be pro-Arranged Marriage, it seems to be a growingly more rejected notion amongst the newer generations. Personally, to me, it's a terrible idea. Marry who you want, not who you're told to after familial politics are taken into consideration. it's a really asinine notion.

[Spectral]

That all depends on what you define as successful.

Apparently a marriage in which a woman can be beaten and subjugated is a "success" as long as it doesn't end in divorce. I suppose that's actually basically true in the cultures that have arranged marriages.

[artemishunter1]

This is what I do not agree.

If I am to marry someone, it is because I love them and want to be with them, not to ascend the social ladder for the better of the family. To be honest they can go to hell if they think like that. 1 less mouth for me to feed when they get old.

I think he meant better for YOUR future family i.e. a lot of people end up marrying struggling actors/actresses and thus end up divorced when they can't take of the family. If parents had a choice, those actors/actresses would not even show up in the radar.

[Syio]

I am not Muslim but come from a region where people are pressured socially into marriage. Sometimes arranged. Over here the concept of not wanting to marry is commonly seen as absurd and breaking the norm, possibly even defiant.

In my opinion it's a lot of unnecessary and frankly ridiculously hilarious expectations to burden a person with, though then again parents here seem to think of their children as extensions of themselves. What boggles me even more is that young adults -let- themselves get exploited via widespread emotional blackmail into doing absolutely silly things like marrying people they've never met or feel obligated to parents into sacrificing their entire sequence of life choices.

The newer generation is thankfully smartening up some (albeit little by little) and I get quite the kick out of telling people I'm homosexual* and relishing their dumbfounded expressions.

As to someone quoting the divorce rates of arranged marriages being less than that of non-arranged ones, bear in mind that in some cultures, divorce is almost taboo. People can be so oppressed and abused yet still stay in a terrible marriage because of social taboos and pressure.

* - I am not homosexual, just single and happy. Both status are equally frowned upon here but I get far less questions claiming the former.

[Grym]

Sorry, did not understand what you were saying.

I was describing the differences in how arranged marriage worked across the globe. Not that it is better or worse than other marriage practices like love marriage. both have pitfalls.

And I am trying to understand more if there are restrictions:

You said your parents will give you candidates, are those candidates the ONLY choice you have? Can you still go out and look for someone yourself if you didn't like the candidate presented to you?

You said when the time comes they have to get married, as in, if they reach certain age, they just have to marry the next person the parents decide on?

[artemishunter1]

Apparently a marriage in which a woman can be beaten and subjugated is a "success" as long as it doesn't end in divorce. I suppose that's actually basically true in the cultures that have arranged marriages.

Not true at all. Both of us lack facts. we end up where we began. This is the problem with blanket statements.

[Rownbear]

Just because "The elders in the family (mostly the parents) have more experience in these matters and should guide" doesn't mean they know jack shit about the girl you're supposed to marry, sure the other family will say she's an angel, but I think in majority of these cases its just your family and the other family trying to secure the family name in a higher social status, which is just selfish and has no consideration for you, your wife or the offspring.

[Garnier Fructis]

Apparently a marriage in which a woman can be beaten and subjugated is a "success" as long as it doesn't end in divorce. I suppose that's actually basically true in the cultures that have arranged marriages.

Thankfully Asian cultures are moving away from that.

[Grym]

I think he meant better for YOUR future family i.e. a lot of people end up marrying struggling actors/actresses and thus end up divorced when they can't take of the family. If parents had a choice, those actors/actresses would not even show up in the radar.

If that is who you want to be be with, that should still be up to you. You parents can ALWAYS, give you advice and potential candidates, even in the western culture, it should be you that decide, after thinking about all the factors, who you want to marry. If you arried a struggling actor, sure your finance might not be good, but your are bond in the emotional level and you are happy, is that not more important than marrying someone rich but ended up you don't really love the person but their money?

[Spectral]

Not true at all. Both of us lack facts. we end up where we began. This is the problem with blanket statements.

Well, no, I don't lack facts at all. Spousal abuse and rape rates are fucking insane in regressive nations. Shrugging it off with a "you don't know man" is really just an admission of not having a valid argument without actually just owning it.

[Grym]

Not true at all. Both of us lack facts. we end up where we began. This is the problem with blanket statements.

Lack of facts? If you want I can find PLENTY of examples of arrange marriage where women are beaten, ran away, disowned by family for running away, and had all sorts of pressure on them even though they are unhappy.

[Venant]

This is what I do not agree.

If I am to marry someone, it is because I love them and want to be with them, not to ascend the social ladder for the better of the family. To be honest they can go to hell if they think like that. 1 less mouth for me to feed when they get old.

Don't be so selfish, unless you don't plan to ever have children. If you do plan to have children then I hope you don't marry some abusive drug addict because you 'love' them. Unfortunately, too many people use 'love' as an excuse to make completely irrational and irresponsible decisions.

[Deleted]

Your argument is the equivalent of saying that slavery is better than choosing your employment because people that choose their own jobs get fired some of the time.

I regard arranged marriage as an archaic and insidious institution.

I don't see the simalarity in slavery vs employment and arranged vs. love marriage. Note that arranged =/= forced. (http://prearranged.askdefine.com/) Slaves do not have any choice, wheras in an arranged marriage both partners have a choice.

OP, your example is NOT arranged marriage, as your idea is "parents only give you advice, but ultimately it is your choice", arranged marriage isn't like that, your parents make the choice, you just obey, THAT is arranged marriage.

And arranged marriage is outdated and there is a good reason why the younger generation no longer abid by them.

You should be with whoever you choose to love, if you don't love the person THAT is how divorce happens.

Can kinda see your point, but I still think the problem lies with too many people being stupid and marrying people they can't stay with, usually due to, as you said, initial impulses of seeing a hot person that you say you can put up with 'flaws' because it's worth it.

Also, I don't know anything about it really, but isn't arranged marriage in the Muslim world a kind of 'honorable' thing, so if you go from someone you have been arranged to be with, you'll be extremely 'dishonourable' to your whole family? I can understand that detterent if that is the case.

Nah, I still think arranged marriage is still a bit strange. But it was fun to think about

You're talking more of a "guided" marriage, with family acting as matchmakers as opposed to what most people would consider an "arranged" marriage.

When most people in the western world hear the term "Arranged" marriage they assume that one or both partners do not have a chance to say "no". And I wouldn't call it an arranged marriage either so long as both partners are allowed to say "no."

If one chooses to allow their family to play the role of "matchmaker" in order to help them find a suitable life partner, that's completely different and I don't see anything wrong with it, and for the reasons you specify it is probably advantageous.

But there's a big shadowy valley in between accepting the help of trusted loved ones and being forced to get married, and who to marry.

from the link above:

"An arranged marriage (also called prearranged marriage) is a marriage arranged by someone other than the persons getting married, curtailing or avoiding the process of courtship."

"In a forced marriage, the parents choose their son's or daughter's future spouse with no input from the son or daughter."

This extreme form, which is the main image here in the Western world of an arranged marriage, is not what I'm talking about. (as you can make up from my initial post ) I would even like to say that I'm very opposed to the idea of forced marriage.

But to be honest, let's not start discussing terminology here, if you like to call it guided marriage or whatever, sure, but I'm not talking about forced marriage in any way.

[Syio]

Just because "The elders in the family (mostly the parents) have more experience in these matters and should guide" doesn't mean they know jack shit about the girl you're supposed to marry, sure the other family will say she's an angel, but I think in majority of these cases its just your family and the other family trying to secure the family name in a higher social status, which is just selfish and has no consideration for you, your wife or the offspring.

I have to agree with this.

'Elders' like to speak from experience. Granted they have been on Earth longer than us, I do not think--for even a nanosecond--they are in any position to command you how to live your life. Most of the time I treat their baseless advice as old farts talking out of their asses. I'll go ahead with that leap of faith on my own accord, thank you very much. If I succeed, yay. If I fail, I'll learn from that and get all the wiser. Butt out of my life and stop trying to live it for me!

[Grym]

Don't be so selfish, unless you don't plan to ever have children. If you do plan to have children then I hope you don't marry some abusive drug addict because you 'love' them. Unfortunately, too many people use 'love' as an excuse to make completely irrational and irresponsible decisions.

Me wanting to live my life and choose my own partner that I am going to spend the rest of my life to is selfish? Where my parents dictating who I should be with for the rest of my life for me when it is nothing to do with them is not? Oh please.

And I am going to "selfishly" say this. This is my life, I will live it the way I want, marry to who I want, if they don't like it, I CAN disown them.