Relationships and cheating.

[Seegtease]

No, this is not a story about me, (happily married) this is just a thought I've had for a bit.

Boy meets girl, and at some point, it becomes not okay for that boy to meet another girl and go past a certain point. My question is - how do you define that point (I'm not talking about teenagers, but about adults)? And if such a point exists, then why do people get married? If marriage is about commitment, saying "I only want to be with you" then before you are married, are you saying "I might want to be with someone else at some point"? If you refuse to make the commitment of marriage, then why are you still bound by the exact same promises of faithfulness that are part of getting married?

I hear stories about people in relationships and about cheating and I just can't take it seriously. If you couldn't commit, then why is the field not open? What's the point of the commitment, then, if you had to follow the same rules all along?

Yes, I know a lot of people don't want to marry anyway or are against it, but for the people that DO want to get married someday, why is it considered cheating before married, or at least before being engaged?

[jemd13]

Hmm well getting to the point where you call the girl you "girlfriend" should be that "point" you're talking about... I mean if she's my girlfriend, she should not cheat on me, since we are NOT married yet, she can easily break up with me (with no legal trouble,divorce,etc) and find someone else. That´s how I see it at least...Then again, I´ve always thought of marriage as a religious thing, a formality. I am NOT ok with cheating in a relationship, married or not. Like I said, if the girl wants to see another man, then go ahead and break up with me and find someone else,it´s simple.

Also, relationships are based in trust. If you and your girlfriend are ok with seeing other men/women while in a relationship, then thats fine, but the term "cheating" implies breaking that trust,and "hiding" stuff from your gf/bf.

[Deleted]

People don't get married to commit to faithfulness. Atleast, I don't think they do. Marriage for most is probably the outward symbol of your committment to someone. Inwardly I'd assume people are very much already committed to each other in order to even consider marriage.

[darkwarrior42]

For me, if I'm dating someone I would never sleep with anyone else without the permission of the person I'm dating. Same thing applies to marriage.

The difference is that if I'm dating someone, all I need to do to break it off is tell person I'm dating that we're done. If I'm married, getting divorced is a major affair, and that's assuming you're not a member of a faith that forbids divorce in the first place.

Or in other words, it's not the rules of the relationship that are necessarily different, as much as the nature of the relationship itself. Marriage implies permanence (or at least an intent for a life-long commitment), dating implies nothing other than that the two of you are together at the current time.

If the person you're with doesn't approve or would be hurt by it, then that makes it cheating regardless of the type of relationship you're in; if you don't like your partner's expectations, then that's something you have to discuss and figure out. (This point is similar to what jemd13 said of course, I just wanted to reiterate it myself).

[Zalavaaris]

The point of going to far should be talked about and will undoubtedly differ from couple to couple.

[Deleted]

For me, if I'm dating someone I would never sleep with anyone else without the permission of the person I'm dating. Same thing applies to marriage.

Would you even ever be in the situation where you'd actually ask your partner to sleep with someone else? I'd assume at the point you want to, or even consider following through with your desire, that'd be the moment at which you should just re-consider your relationship?

[EnclosedOne]

cheaters are the scum of the earth because they know what they're doing is wrong and hurtful to their significant other but they don't care (because why would you need to hide it if it wasn't wrong?)
they don't have the balls to just break up with the person first. yes it'll hurt the other person but not near as much as when they find their bf/gf cheating.

[Zigzagzoom]

Call me old fashion but I still feel that if you are in any committed relationship married or not you should finish up one relationship before starting another. There are plenty of people out there in long term committed relationships that aren't married. Works for them. You don't have to be married nowadays.

[bergmann620]

Boy meets girl, and at some point, it becomes not okay for that boy to meet another girl and go past a certain point. My question is - how do you define that point (I'm not talking about teenagers, but about adults)? And if such a point exists, then why do people get married? If marriage is about commitment, saying "I only want to be with you" then before you are married, are you saying "I might want to be with someone else at some point"? If you refuse to make the commitment of marriage, then why are you still bound by the exact same promises of faithfulness that are part of getting married?

It depends. If you have established you are in a 'monogamous' relationship, to me, that means that you are committed to each other until one party states they no longer want to be. I would consider anything beyond friendly contact with someone outside of that relationship to be at the least a degree of 'cheating'.

If you are 'engaged', I look at that like, "I'm married as far as behavior goes. We simply had to schedule the wedding in the future." It would take something catastrophic (them cheating, discovering they failed to mention they were on the sex offender registry, etc) to break that commitment.

Marriage to me still means "Till death do us part", excepting cases in which my partner has essentially perpetrated a fraud against me, like, say, the above.

[OzoAndIndi]

A couple is a couple.. I believe most take that as part of a relationship, not necessarily just part of being legally marriage. I mean if your boy/girlfriend just wants to mess around with others on the side the whole time you're supposedly together in a serious relationship then how do you ever have any clue if they are marriage material; provided you both do intend on being married to someone someday. And if you can't get a feel of that and they lack the will to commit to you, then you're both wasting your time.

Relationships for adults are kind of a trial run pre-marriage, are they not? Only alternative really is two people who both believe in having an open relationship, both when dating and married?

[HardlyWaken]

I think its something like this:
Friend Stage - Check for personality compatibility. No bonds.
Dating stage - Check for faithfulness, longevity and "gain". Locked state, but liquid enough to dissolve if it falls through.
Engagement - Check if all of the above stays true and you can hold the rope for the future. Locked state, more concrete than the dating stage, but some wiggle room, also a good time to bring up major concerns. (Best time imo because the relationship is less fragile than the dating stage but also less concrete than marriage.)
Marriage - Seal the deal and hope for/expect the best and seize life together. Locked state, should be concrete. (Not the best time to bring up issues that were bothering you in any of the first 3 stages, or you look like you were settling).

So by that, dating stage is that line, but you have time to break the bond and move on if you want.

[Seegtease]

You can commit to a serious relationship without getting married. The fact that you think you have to be married to say you don't want to be with someone else just shows how little you know about life and relationships. Marriage happens for essentially 3 reasons: religion, finances or to fulfill social expectations. Beyond that most people can have happy, monogamous relationships without needing to file paperwork with the government. When they drift apart, as most people in relationships tend to(especially married people), then cheating can happen. Just because the people who aren't married didn't sign a legally binding contract doesn't mean they have any less expectation that their significant other, someone who probably reciprocated feelings of love at some point, wouldn't do something hurtful like that to them before ending the relationship.

On a side note, if your significant other cheats on you I hope you don't get a divorce. You made a lifelong commitment no matter what. If you can't stand by that commitment you shouldn't have made it.

I don't see why you're so defensive about it and passing judgment on my character. I am only looking to see what people's point of views are. I've always been a committed person in any relationship but that's just how I am. I just question why it's the general rule, and at what point it becomes that rule. I mean, it's not like when we're teenagers we ask someone to be our girlfriend or something. You date, and at some undefined point, suddenly that's the only person you're allowed to date. I know lots of people date a few people at once, but it's not committed. Where does the commitment start and what difference does marriage make?

[Palmz]

Simple solution OP. If you have the urge to cheat on your gf, then she isn't for you. Break up and move on BEFORE you cheat on her. I know there isn't some Godly consequence to it, but it's the right thing to do?

[obdigore]

Somewhere between 3-5 dates, or after you have the girlfriend/boyfriend talk. Unless when you guys do that you talk about having sex outside the relationship, most people assume you are in a committed relationship, so unless you specify that you aren't going to be.

[Seegtease]

Simple solution OP. If you have the urge to cheat on your gf, then she isn't for you. Break up and move on BEFORE you cheat on her. I know there isn't some Godly consequence to it, but it's the right thing to do?

Not looking for a "solution" only discussion of a topic in general, but I guess that's expecting too much.

[Siri]

Unless you're at the point where you refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend I don't think you're exclusive. Obviously peoples' opinions will vary but that's my take on it.

[Afrospinach]

That point is exactly where you say it is. What is assumed otherwise is completely personal so if it concerns you discuss it. Some people are fine sleeping around even in wedlock so:

Boy meets girl, and at some point, it becomes not okay for that boy to meet another girl and go past a certain point.

is entirely your inference. I find it weird that people seem to think relationships need to adhere to all these conventions. If you want something a certain way ask for it, people have vastly different ideas about how these things should proceed.

[Deleted]

Friends, fuckbuddys/ fwbs, dating, married.

It's how i see it at least...

If a person cheated on me however, i'd kick them out of my life - since if the relationship has deteriorated to that degree, i'm better off without them in my life.

And i'm very skeptical of marriage, i'd much rather be in a normal relationship than be forced into marriage; one day however, if we've been in a very long-term relationship i'd want to be marry them but the marriage would be something small though.

I just don't understand the dating for 4/5 years then marriage - i'd wait atleast 10 years or so before committing so deeply to another person.

(As for the dating of other people, i'd only date that person and expect the same)

[Stir]

Boy meets girl, and at some point, it becomes not okay for that boy to meet another girl and go past a certain point. My question is - how do you define that point (I'm not talking about teenagers, but about adults)?

How do I define that point?
'The relationship is over, I've taken some time to heal emotionally, and now it's time to move on.'

[Deleted]

If I express interest in someone then I'd expect the common courtesy of them keeping their legs shut until she either tells me it isn't going to happen or it does happen.