Please help: Girlfriend lost attraction (2)

[Deleted]

*deleted for future reference*

[Sllhouette]

hi.

i think you can get some decent responses here: http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/

im sure there are some contributors on mmo-champ that'll help you out but why not post there as well?

[vitalic]

This is some very serious and complicated stuff. Asking for advice from amateurs is really going to be more confusing than helpful IMO. Wait to talk to a psychologist.

[Blueobelisk]

I honestly don't know what you expect us to say that wouldn't be cliche.

[Grand Crusader Absalom]

That situation sounds fked. It sounds like you've done all u can do personally, its up to her. I wouldn't put up with it tbh.
I broke it off with this girl once after a year cause she didn't want me touching her stomach cause her an muscles weren't stitched together after they took her baby out. Fair enough.
Imade her feel beautiful, making her feel attractive, giving her compliments but she never met me halfway and even became abusive over it.

In short: its up to her now to come to terms with it.

[JimPaladin]

RAPE HER- okay okay okay okay,


This sounds like a problem where the only advice can really be "Fuck man, that's shitty."

It seems to me the whole big issue is being stemmed from sexual frustration on both of your parts (mainly hers). She's probably just very, very sick of not being able to "get a nice plowing", so to speak; and she's losing interest with just basic light fingering.

Because she's never had a man do that before, as you say, it's only natural she would find it orgasmic to finally receive physical attention to her naughties, especially after what was probably a lifetime of both sexual un-satisfaction and fear of sex in general (I don't know about the fear part, I'm merely guessing).

I'd say, if I had to make a blind guess, she's not physically bored of you, she's just incredibly sexually worked up. 22 is kind of the age where you just want to fuck all the time like fuck me right now man JUST FUCK ME.

It seems the big issue standing in the way of everything is her condition, and there's just no easy way around that. An extreme method would be looking at doctors and real healthcare treatments (if she hasn't tried already), but more 'romantic' and 'something that would happen in a shitty romance movie' methods would be to just try 'mixing stuff up' in bed.

I'm not privy (yet!) to what you do with each other sexually, or what the extent has been. Have you tried other methods of pleasuring her? Nipples/breasts/anus? Perhaps some kind of sexual 'toy' exists that she could use to help her? Maybe a highspeed vibrator on the outside of her vagina could give her a new experience.

I, personally, just think (from what little I know) that she's just super fucking in need of actual vaginal penetration and her entire body wants it to happen, and the fact she's grown tired of outside stimulation has just made it much, much worse.

All I can really offer is to tell you to just keep trying. If she really loves you, everything will work out just fine eventually. She'll either overcome the condition or grow to accept it. All you can do is keep loving her, keep trying to make it work, and see how it goes.

Also you can always just RAPE HER

[admeteora]

Hit the gym brother!

now srsly what did you expect to get out of this forum? I can think of a million and one better places to ask for advice.

[starkey]

She has a physiological problem which is totally understandable after an assault specially when its of sexual nature, go and see a shrink together.

[Ulsaki]

As someone mentioned in the other thread, and you practically admit here, you do sound co-dependent on her.

Really it sounds as if this person is extremely unstable, and is blaming you for her own problems. When you're dealing with someone who has issues you do so with tact and care rather than charging in. This girl is not willing to get professional help over her (substantial) issues, appears to be a very poor communicator (she's "getting convinced"? If you're not attracted to someone how can you not know that?), and is by the sounds of it blaming you for not throwing her down on the bed and ravishing her when you know full well it wouldn't work if you tried.

[JimPaladin]

As someone mentioned in the other thread, and you practically admit here, you do sound co-dependent on her.

Really it sounds as if this person is extremely unstable, and is blaming you for her own problems. When you're dealing with someone who has issues you do so with tact and care rather than charging in. This girl is not willing to get professional help over her (substantial) issues, appears to be a very poor communicator (she's "getting convinced"? If you're not attracted to someone how can you not know that?), and is by the sounds of it blaming you for not throwing her down on the bed and ravishing her when you know full well it wouldn't work if you tried.

But that's just it. She's young and frustrated and unhappy and everything she used to find pleasuring is now dull and provides nothing.

So cut her some slack you giant dumbass and don't go around slapping criticisms on someone who is suffering from an instance of sexual assault.

It is fully possible she may just be, at heart, kind of a petty and blaming person who wants to pin blame on you for not sexually pleasing her when you both know it's impossible but given her age and situation, I'd say she's likely just confused and frustrated and doesn't know what she wants or what to do about it and that's a perfectly normal thing for anyone to be going through, especially someone who's vagina doesn't work due to sexual assault.

Like I said. Stay with her and love her, and if it's meant to be, it'll work out. She's either going to overcome the condition or she'll learn to live with it; that's all you can know for sure about the situation.

Infracted

[JimPaladin]

She could be trying to "lift the blame" on you so to say. She feels really bad about the situation and it is easier to shift the blame on someone else than try to do something about yourself.

That said, get professional help for both the physical and mental problems she and you both have, do it, NOW.

I didn't know "life" was something you needed professional mental healthcare for, but I guess I'm just not as detached, socially vapid and emotionally retarded as 90% of the people on this forum.

[AeneasBK]

I didn't know "life" was something you needed professional mental healthcare for, but I guess I'm just not as detached, socially vapid and emotionally retarded as 90% of the people on this forum.

Or you didn't get sexually assaulted when you were 14.

[Deleted]

Seems you both have quite a history, you being afraid of getting heartbroken and being to "rough" on her since she has been sexual assaulted (which is perfectly acceptible). But her being sexual assaulted doesn't mean she can't enjoy normal intimity like other non sexually assaulted people. It's like you said, she DOESN'T want you to be extremely gentle because you might physically or emotionally hurt her thanks to her trauma. If anything it's like she wants to be with a person where she feels absolutely secure with, someone she knows she can trust, the super gentle extreme isn't always a solution to this, she WANTS to be loved, her trauma is holding you back because well .. I guess you're simply a good guy relationship wise.

But it's positive that you both want to search fora solution, you said YOU are going to a psychologist, while this could be a start for your PERSONAL problems, this isn't really helping your relationship too much. If anything I think you both should go in couples therapy, being able to talk about your problems together in a neutral environment is better then talking alone to someone. You could combine this with personal therapy too, but then I suggest you BOTH do this.

But I'd start by going together, not alone.

- - - Updated - - -

I didn't know "life" was something you needed professional mental healthcare for, but I guess I'm just not as detached, socially vapid and emotionally retarded as 90% of the people on this forum.

Yeah Jim, you are the most awesome guy on this fucking planet.

Now do get raped.

[Ulsaki]

But that's just it. She's young and frustrated and unhappy and everything she used to find pleasuring is now dull and provides nothing.

So cut her some slack you giant dumbass and don't go around slapping criticisms on someone who is suffering from an instance of sexual assault.

If someone is acting unfairly and irrationally, being the victim of sexual assault doesn't give them a free pass to do whatever or not be criticised.

But by all means continue with your personal attacks, and fallacious posts.

[JimPaladin]

Yeah Jim, you are the most awesome guy on this fucking planet.

Now do get raped.

It's as if you're just choosing not to read anything I say-

Oh wait. Mmochampion forums.

[blackblade]

As much as words on a forum mean next to nothing, there's a difference between being sexually assaulted and making genuine love.

It is extremely unlikely, that even if you get rowdy, that you'll trigger a relapse or anything like that. It probably sounds easier than it's going to be, but really, breaking past your fear of scaring her off by causing a relapse of her being assaulted is probably better for both of you than you trying to keep things the way they are. (which, even if you do manage to accomplish, you're very likely just going to wind back up at this point anyway)

You don't need to become a lumberjack-esque man's-man overnight, but reflect on things you've done and situations where you could've gotten away with being more assertive to and around your GF.

[JimPaladin]

If someone is acting unfairly and irrationally, being the victim of sexual assault doesn't give them a free pass to do whatever or not be criticised.

But by all means continue with your personal attacks, and fallacious posts.

No, it doesn't. I agree with that. What she's doing, regardless of sexual assault or not, isn't 'right'. I think we all (including the OP) know this.

What I'm saying is, from what I can tell from what he's told me, she seems to be more or less mostly over any trauma (mentally, at least) she's suffered from the assault (or at least as over it as someone can get, I guess), and the problem is purely an involuntary physical issue with her vagina. She's just confused and doesn't know. We've all been there, don't tell me you haven't. It's a bad situation.

I don't think they necessarily need to go to counseling or anything, or at least not yet. It's just a life situation that people work out together. People aren't fucking helpless when they have issues like this, they don't need a bunch of mental help and psychiatry; they just need to live life and overcome what's happening. I guess that just makes me some huge asshole to say that, though. Damn me and my passionate view on the fact humans can be self-overcoming in the struggles we face in life and that not everything needs to be addressed with a bunch of different questionably effective mental treatments! I'm such a stupid asshole who should get raped LOL!!

I'm not the OP. I'm not his girlfriend. I can't offer what the best steps to take would be, or when they should be taken. It sounds to be like therapy for any mental issues relating to the assault trauma may be a little bit in the past right now, because it -seems- she (as I said) is mostly over it. I could be completely mistaken and therapy could be a huge breakthrough but I'm going to guess she's at least looked into it before, so yeah.

My advice, given what I can glean, is they should just work at it. Shit happens in life, and we get through it. We find our own ways and know what's best, be it therapy or just dealing with it on our own or with loved ones.

BUT I'M JUST A BIG ASSHOLE LOLOLOLOL

[Deleted]

It's as if you're just choosing not to read anything I say-

Oh wait. Mmochampion forums.

I didn't know "life" was something you needed professional mental healthcare for, but I guess I'm just not as detached, socially vapid and emotionally retarded as 90% of the people on this forum.

Life IS something some people need professional mental advice about. But hey, gratz on being this super stable guy who knows everything abotu life.

[Prokne]

The fact that my girlfriend has been sexually assaulted and the resulting issue of vaginism seem terrible to me. I'm so sorry she has to deal with those things. The problem is, I've always tried to be very careful with her physically. Even after a few hints I couldn't bring myself to letting go my fear of hurting her, insulting her, doing something wrong or weird. I was convinced I was being very thoughtful and adult about it. I care a lot for her, so I take it easy on her.

But now it appears that's not what she wants. She's feeling increasingly sad and can't put up with it anymore. My behaviour makes her feel terrible and we're at a point that it's essential to make a change. She told me she feels as if she is the man in our physical relationship. She told me it makes her affraid of how I see myself physically and terrified of my image of her, physically.

So stop doing stuff she doesnt like and do the things she does. And youre over thinking it too much. No one sits around thinking about why theyre not attracted to each other anymore unless they are breaking up or have already broken up because theres nothing else left. Just treat her like any other girl that doesnt have mental problems with sex related to what happened to her in the past, she just wants to be normal. If you cant do that then theres nothing else you can do.

- - - Updated - - -

As much as words on a forum mean next to nothing, there's a difference between being sexually assaulted and making genuine love.

It is extremely unlikely, that even if you get rowdy, that you'll trigger a relapse or anything like that. It probably sounds easier than it's going to be, but really, breaking past your fear of scaring her off by causing a relapse of her being assaulted is probably better for both of you than you trying to keep things the way they are. (which, even if you do manage to accomplish, you're very likely just going to wind back up at this point anyway)

As long as theres an emotional connection between you then it should be nothing like getting raped. I know guys dont always get into the emotion during sex and think sex is just physical but its not.

[Deleted]

To be honest, I'm a bit surprised. It seems a bit over the top that it's ending because the sex isn't great. She's saying she's lost attraction to you, that's not a sex thing, I don't think? I mean, I'm sure sex is part of it, but if you were dating this gorgeous perfect person who made you happy and you had good times together and that you were attracted to outside of sex and everything was perfect, but the sex just wasn't quite there yet... you'd give it some time. Sex is important in a relationship but it really isn't everything. You don't end a relationship because of bad sex unless you've been trying and trying and trying to tell your partner what to do better over and over and over and they're just not getting it, and it's never doing anything for you. Especially for breeders, you know? You guys never understand what each other want very easilly and it always takes a bit of fumbling around. I'm sure both parties expect that?

Loss of attraction, in my opinion, is something that happens totally outside of sex, and can be for all sorts of reasons that we'll not really get into, but I don't think there's anything that you can fix. I think it's really best to just cut your losses and move on.

I dated a girl a little while ago, we were together for about 8 months. She had a lot of mental health issues as a result of being abused (physically and mentally, rather than sexually) as a child. For a while it was okay and she was doing well with recovery and it wasn't really an issue, just something I needed to bear in mind. After a while she started a bit of a downwards spiral and needed a lot of looking after. In the end, I felt like more like her mother or her therapist than her girlfriend, and it became very difficult to be attracted to her. I told her and she was devastated and we tried some stuff, she got herself together and started getting on the road to recovery again, fixed a lot of things that were wrong, etc etc. In the end though, the magic had gone, and at 8 months (or in your case 6 months) if that attraction goes, it's not just going to come back and go to the way it was. It's not like a 20 year marriage when the attraction goes but you have 20 years of marriage to keep you together, see you through it, ride the storm out and try and get back to how things were. Even in a 20 year marriage, loss of attraction can kill it. I mean, we started going on like, romantic dates and things again. Like we went to this fireworks show and it was really cute and beautiful and like... we had a lot of fun and like, super romantic blah blah blah, and I thought I was getting those feelings back for a second but then it would go away again just as quickly. She was still holding on desperately hoping for things to get better and in the end I had to just end it, because it wasn't fair to keep her hanging on.

The point is, sometimes that just happens. Attraction just goes. Mental health issues make it harder on you both because it's adding more stress, and maybe the bad sex is something that's triggered it, but in my opinion, there is more to it than just bad sex. Because if bad sex could ruin an otherwise healthy relationship, then amazing sex should be able to make an otherwise shitty relationship okay, and that's really not true!

xxx