Forcing children to grow up to quickly? Thoughts

[Trassk]

Well I'm not a father, and will never be one given my situation, I am an uncle and often am involved with babysitting my two nephews.
Being honest about this, babysitting just feels like a serious chore, while my mother loves kids both her own and her grandkids, unlike her, I don't really get much joy from babysitting, all the bad smells and the climbing all over you and having to watch them every moment incase they hurt themselves or dealing with if one has a tantrum and hits the other one and if there misbehaving and trying to get one to eat if he's refusing to have his dinner and having to sit and watch the same boring childrens cartoon every single time with them, you know, the annoying shit that comes with children on top of all the good things pampers adverts convinces you of them being.

But, I do love my nephews, not the act of babysitting but the kids themselves I do. Which is why I find this a very thorn between issue. My brother there dad, wants his kids to grow up quickly. I can already see the results of his with my 4 year old nephew, in how my brother keeps lumping him with things to do and rules to obay and lessons that just seem hardline sometimes. On the other side of the coin, there mother and my mother are wanting to follow the belief that kids should be kids as long as they want, and choose when they want to grow up.

Now, when I'm babysitting them and having my 4 year old nephew ram head first into my groin because.. thats what kids do, part of me prays for a fairy to fly down and make them age 5 more years then and there, but honestly, I am more of the opinion what my mother and sister in law says, they are only kids once, and shouldn't be forced to grow to fast. I see my older nephew go into absolute screaming rages, because hes trying to figure out a puzzle or toy thats a few years older them he is, but he wants to do it, almost as if he wants to impress his father. And that pisses me off.

Really though, anyone whos had kids or nephews or cousins or whatever, how did you handle it around this age?

[Mormolyce]

Well you're the uncle, it's your job and privilege to spoil them rotten when they're in your house :P

[Trassk]

Well you're the uncle, it's your job and privilege to spoil them rotten when they're in your house :P

I bake them cookies and gingerbread men. For realz.. actually I gotta bake some for christmas eve so they can leave it out for santa.

[Souflikar]

My view, life is too short as is. Let them linger in their youth until the natural progression of things says otherwise.

[Deleted]

I guess it's "that difficult age"

I'm sure there is probably some studies one way or the other on it. I don't have any children, though I hope to one day become a mother of 2. I do have a 1 year old (today!) nephew though, and I know I wouldn't like him to be pushed by his mother or father too hard. I think, at the end of the day, kids are not for everyone and we shouldn't all have them just because society says so. Some people can deal with, even love, the whole babysitting aspect of it. Bonding with your children etc. Other people hate it. Not to say that you shouldn't have children or should have them based on something like that, but it's something to consider. Personally, I'm in the "let them grow up at their own pace" camp, within reason, of course. As you say, you're only a child once and anyone who's grown up knows those carefree years are unique. I missed a lot of the enjoyment of them for personal reasons and I deeply resent them and feel like they are something precious that has been stolen from me. I wouldn't want to steal them from my children too.

That said, I think the babysitting thing is a seperate issue and how you deal with it. I suppose it depends on your family and how close knit you are, but you shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to do or don't feel comfortable doing, especially with someone else's children. If you feel like you can put up with it, then, all you can really do is put up with it. It's difficult, but I suppose that's life really. If you don't feel comfortable doing it though, you should really voice your concerns to the mother of the child. They shouldn't be forcing you into that kind of situation if you don't want to be in it. Looking after children is pretty serious business right? I mean, you're pretty much taking their life into your hands, sort of like driving a car or whatever. You wouldn't force someone to drive you somewhere in a car if they didn't feel comfortable driving, or driving with passengers after all.

I know it can kind of feel like you are being selfish by saying such things, like "oh I don't like doing it, it's boring, so I'm going to try and get out of it" but I don't really think this is one of those things right? If you arn't comfortable with the kids, then the kids arn't going to be comfortable with you, and that could affect the development of their relationship with you into the future. I have an aunt that used to babysit me occasionally when I was younger and she clearly wasn't enjoying it, so I wasn't enjoying it, and the whole thing was just messy and uncomfortable, and now my relationship with her isn't all that warm. I'm not saying that's 100% to blame, but it's going to factor in, and you shouldn't have to sacrifice your relationship with your nephews because their mother needs childcare.

Just my thoughts!

xxxx

[Raptor With a Saber]

I wish kids would grow up at the rate they use to before the PC movement. My niece and nephew are about 10-12 respectively and behave as if they were 5. Kids I've seen in public around the same age act like them.

[Trassk]

Thanks Cuetea, what a nice response

Really, when the kids are here, I just knuckle down and go with it, even if I'd sooner not be babysitting, I'd not want the kids to feel uncomfortable with me, so I just do what I can, even if its boring, or painful, or irritating, or exhausting, I just go with it. Truth is, my mother loves looking after them too, she adores both the kids and the babysitting role, but like say i'm not her, and for me the babysitting is the drawn out part i don't like. The kids though I do love.

I would, like you say, sooner form a bond with my nephews without having to feel pressured into it or exhausted. I mean I never really got to see my aunt when I was that age who lived up in london, but she's my fav aunt and her and her children, my cousins, i love being with, so even a distant relationship with family can work out.

[Deleted]

Definitely. Totally agree. Were I in your shoes, I'd just raise the issue with the mother, say you don't feel comfortable babysitting as often as you do even. Maybe even if you phrase it like "I'm totally willing to help out in a pinch, I'm not saying I want to cut these kids out of my life, I love them dearly, but I feel like I'm struggling to give them the treatment that they should be recieving and I'm worried that it's going to affect the relationship in the future" and like, hell, maybe ask her for help or pointers or something, maybe she knows some kind of thing for calming them the fuck down or whatever, but she has to understand that it can't go on like this. I would be the same, I think, if I had to babysit a 5 year old at this point. I don't really have any idea how to do it, how to cope, and I think I'd just crack with the pressure and running and chasing and fetching and carrying and the exhaustion that comes with that, but I know at some point in the future I'll feel more... right, about it! : )

xxxx

[Trassk]

I can offer some words of advice in that regard, since your nephew is one and maybe your be asked to babysit at times. From personal experience, looking after one child is manageable and far, far less stressful then two, its almost like the difference between walking over a solid concrete bridge to walking over a rope bridge, one child, who gets all the attention from you, that I can handle like if its just my 1-1/2 year old nephew, but both of them.. if your brother and sister in law (or maybe its sister and brother in law) have another child, your gonna need backup, trust me.

[Deleted]

Eek. She's planning on another one soon, I think. Still, my girlfriend is a teacher (although, secondary school rather than primary or nursary) so maybe she'll turn out to be like, the best in the world at managing such things

xxxx

[Ophill]

Strict parents are a hell of a lot better than parents who give their children whatever they want. Those children end up never growing up and will demand anything they want, and throw temper tantrums when they don't get their way, even as adults. I see how kids behave these days and think that parenting must be a lost art, but that may just be what every generation thinks.
It sounds like these kids are fine, they have a strict father, and a lenient mother, a good balance.

[dextersmith]

Well you're the uncle, it's your job and privilege to spoil them rotten when they're in your house :P

I wish it was so easy, my sister screams and gives me shit if I buy my niece a cup cake. "Are you trying to piss me off or make them hyper til I get a headache?!" I bought her a toy for X-mas and "I said no toys allowed! Contribute to her college fund (she's 2!) or buy her clothes so I don't have to!" Terrible. Guess what? I don't pay for other's financial responsibilities! No kid is going to say "My uncle's awesome cause the bond he gave me matures in 20 years!" or "Woohoo! He gave me cash I can use to buy textbooks in 20 years and jenny just got a toy!" I say, let her pay off her own student loan like I did.

"You need to learn to give her healthy blah blah blah so when you babysit.....or you can't watch her....." ****Woe is me! Oh no! I can't stay in all day/evening to look after someone else's kid for free while her and her husband get alone time! Play by your rules? Hire a sitter!

@OP:
I'm experiencing similar conflicts you do so I empathize. I'm not crazy about kids either. Under unusual circumstances, I lost my childhood and it sucks. There's no consolation prize.

[Conspicuous Cultist]

I wish it was so easy, my sister screams and gives me shit if I buy my niece a cup cake. "Are you trying to piss me off or make them hyper til I get a headache?!" I bought her a toy for X-mas and "I said no toys allowed! Contribute to her college fund (she's 2!) or buy her clothes so I don't have to!" Terrible. Guess what? I don't pay for other's financial responsibilities! No kid is going to say "My uncle's awesome cause the bond he gave me matures in 20 years!" or "Woohoo! He gave me cash I can use to buy textbooks in 20 years and jenny just got a toy!" I say, let her pay off her own student loan like I did.

Now I'm no parenting expert.

But I can tell she'd be a real drag as a parent/in parties and I feel sorry for the kid. Sure, she'll probably have straight As but that almost means nothing minus a couple of scholarships and that's assuming she event WANTS to go to college but she'll probably be pigeon-holed/pestered in it nonetheless.

[dextersmith]

I know it can kind of feel like you are being selfish by saying such things, like "oh I don't like doing it, it's boring, so I'm going to try and get out of it" [...]

It is so unfortunate that we are made to feel this way. I don't like screaming, crying, tantrums, and runny noses. I do like me time, having disposable money, and personal freedom. Family or not, people with children often forget that they are not our kids and don't have to be our responsibilities. My sister and my parents try to shame and guilt me into financially contributing or care for my nieces and that is manipulative. She has a tendency to remind me that they're her kids and what she says goes, yet how dare I not buy xyz for them when I'm their uncle? Your kids, your problem! She tells me if I have spare cash, I shouldn't be squandering it, I should hand it over to save up for a car for their 16th birthday. Gtfo! If you want to spoil them, use your own cash! What kid needs a car immediately upon hitting 16? They chose to have a second kid, they need to get another job if they need more money.

Strict parents are a hell of a lot better than parents who give their children whatever they want. Those children end up never growing up and will demand anything they want, and throw temper tantrums when they don't get their way, even as adults. I see how kids behave these days and think that parenting must be a lost art, but that may just be what every generation thinks.
It sounds like these kids are fine, they have a strict father, and a lenient mother, a good balance.

I've seen both extremes and it ain't pretty. 1 up tight teen cousin said "She's not good enough to be my friend cause her average is only B+." Imo, kids who grow up with strict rents tend to have trouble socializing and don't know why they're lonely when they have no friends, and have no clue in how to fixt it.

[Deleted]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Jackson

/thread

[dextersmith]

Now I'm no parenting expert.

But I can tell she'd be a real drag as a parent/in parties and I feel sorry for the kid. Sure, she'll probably have straight As but that almost means nothing minus a couple of scholarships and that's assuming she event WANTS to go to college but she'll probably be pigeon-holed/pestered in it nonetheless.

My heart breaks when there's a celebration and my little princess has to watch everyone else eat pie and cake but she only gets a taste. The irony is, she used to steal my dessert and cake icing! When we were kids, there were no food restrictions, and we're both in great shape and health cause we don't feel the need to gorge. Junk food before dinner? Np! Just make sure to eat your dinner.

Edit: Oh, and, she never got A's. I did (I'm a freak) and had a great social life.

[Kulanae]

Biggest thing you can do with kids that age as a babysitter is to abandon the notion that you can control what occurs. They are more akin to a storm. All you can do it batton down the hatches in the house and ride it out, then clean up the aftermath.