I don't understand my father

[Deleted]

A few notes beforehand to explain everything:

I am 27 and have a disability that's ultimately terminal (estimated life span is 18)
I am the youngest of three
My parents divorced in 1998 after my father had an affair with my mothers best friend (my friends mother)

Growing up I had a good relationship with my father, we did usual father - son activities. Then after the divorce he moved 4 miles away and saw me every weekend and alternative Fridays I visited him. My brother and father had already fallen out by this time over sexuality and the affairs. Despite my parents been frosty they tolerated each other and the arrangement worked ok for years. Eventually his visits became less and his new home wasn't accessible. He had a new partner (who to this day I have never met) and the visits limited to monthly and eventually longer. He blamed money & health yet still visited my sister and his grandchildren whom lived literally a 10 minute walk away. Now I wasn't angry or jealous just disappointed. Eventually my mother met somebody and the visits became 4x a year. After 8 months from my 25th birthday (which he didn't see me) I contacted him via FB. He gave excuses and I gave home truth, he accepted his mistakes and agreed to meet me every week for an hour or two. This arangement worked out for 2 months until it stopped. His excuse "He found it difficult"

It's been probably 18 months since I last saw him. Turned out he was telling my sister he was visiting me after visiting her which wasn't true. He hasn't seen my sister and his grandchildren in 6 months. He even ignored his grandaughter (who's 17) in town. I just don't understand him.

[A Day to Remember]

At least you have a daddy!

Also youre a grown man, get over it. You dont need to see you dad often if ever, call him if you want to talk.

[bison91]

maybe he just dont want to disapoint you...

[OzoAndIndi]

That sucks, esp if someone has to live knowing that some with their condition don't make it past their youth and time for some is limited.

It would be considerate of your father if he could just muster up the guts to be honest with you and lay it out. Perhaps he feels he has failed you in some way or is fearful over something and is trying to hide from those feelings? :\ Hope it gets resolved in the near future, that isn't fair at all.

[Deleted]

Blood isn't magic. Sometimes people just don't like one another, or just don't enjoy each other's company. Even if you're family, it doesn't mean your family members are going to want to spend time with you, even if it's really no fault of your own. Yeah, it sucks for you that your father is that cold towards you, but shit happens. Mine died when I was 15, and many have lived without one at all. Some have fathers who have been downright unforgivably nasty towards them.

We all have our own lives to live, and while I think anyone who has children should be committed to give up their own lives for their children, I can surely understand if they do not. Timescales also are a funny thing. I live on one where 2-3 years is nothing now. Time just flies by. Teenagers think six months is an eternity.

As fucked up as it might be for you, you can't force him to do anything. Appreciate what you have, what you have had, and what you will have, and go from there.

[Blueobelisk]

1. Sorry this isn't a psychologist/therapy website. Not sure exactly what you want any of us to say.
2. You have Dad issues? So does probably at least 20% of the United States, myself included sort of. Not something I want to complain about, though.

I remember, in high school they were starting a club or something for kids with divorced parents. I was asked if I wanted to be in the club or whatever if I was interested and I was like "lolno" and got the fuck out of there.

[Voolawl]

Maybe he disowned you for being gay, or just doesn't want to see his old family because it hurts too much or something.

[Kapadons]

Nearly everyone has daddy issues. It's the main reason there are strippers and prostitutes in this world. My dad was a coke addict for nearly my entire life. We see each other once a year,Christmas, and that is it. He will text me on my birthday but that's about the only contact we have. I would advise you to just let it go and move on.

[Spraxle]

As someone who has some serious father issues it sucks that you guys had it working and it went down hill. He is honestly probably guilt ridden and it seeing his family just reminds him of his past failures. The other option is that maybe he is just a crappy person. I know that might not be the option you want to hear/see but really (from my personal experience) feel this might be the real reason.

[Chirri]

You're full grown, he was around with some regularity til you reached your majority. If he's said that it's difficult for him, it's up to you whether you care enough about that to let his distance go, or keep chasing after him. If you can't see him, maybe you can switch to regular phone calls. They don't even have to be much longer than, "Hey, how's it going, love you, take care."

I don't know your father, so I've no inkling of whether he actually doesn't care and finds his kids and ex bothersome, or whether he's worried about how he'll handle losing you. He's not even spending much time with your sister and her kids, though, so it sounds like he may simply need to focus on himself and the rest of his life right now. I get that you don't have a ton of time to wait around, but he may not be ready to return to you and your sister for years yet. Don't let his behavior get you down, and don't let it color your better memories of time spent with him.

[Mongoose19]

You don't choose family, it sucks. Forget about him and focus on other things.

[Cruor]

Sorry, here is what I read: Im a grown man of 27, living at home playing video games all day while my mom takes care of me. I am able to play computer games all day and post on the forums non stop, yet Im unable to do an office job. Im mad my dad wont travel to see me EVERY week, forgeeting the fact once again that I am a 27 year old man.

Id be very interested to know what this magical condition you and so many mmo champ/wow people have that allows you to be taken care of so youn can stay home all day and play video games. Also, where can i get this condition so I have to stay home and "suffer" not working while people feed house and pay for me?

[Trassk]

I'm so sorry to hear this of your dad and whats been happening

With my own father, who is dead now, we never truly bonded, and the only time I ever gave him any regard was on his deathbed. We was an alcoholic all his life, he drank every day to escape reality. In the end, it destroyed his bladder, which has to be removed and replaced with a bag, and later picked his liver, leading to cancer, where he died half a year later.
We never were able to bond, as I tell my friends, I spent half my life trying to warm to my father, and the other half trying to separate him from my life. He never stopped drinking, so I never was able to, even when I told him things like I was gay, he turned it back on me later in one of his drunk sloths saying 'dirty fat queer' behind my back, so I gave up trying to bond with him.

I am sorry though, that your dad doesn't seem to be trying. I don't want to be harsh saying this, but maybe he is a man who simply can't commit to something serious, even with his own kids, as in what would require effort. Seeing how your sister lives so close its likely not much of an effort. But example, my father lived apart from his brothers and sisters, and never, ever got in contact with them, except when one of them died and they sent him an invite to a funeral.
Some men.. simply turn out that way, even those who have kids and could have a family, they simply don't have any effort. I am sorry though, its in no fault to anything you ever did and you tried to make that bond, but if it doesn't come from him, you should not be forced to try twice as hard for him only trying half the time

[Deleted]

more letting off steam Everybody tells me I should be angry but honestly I don't hate him, just disappointed. I've accepted the reality as he will upon my funeral. Obviously it's Christmas and time to be happy but sometimes it stirs these things up. I wanted to just unload it

[Trassk]

more letting off steam Everybody tells me I should be angry but honestly I don't hate him, just disappointed. I've accepted the reality as he will upon my funeral. Obviously it's Christmas and time to be happy but sometimes it stirs these things up. I wanted to just unload it

I know dude, I felt the same about my dad in the end, just a disappointment in him .

[rogoth]

Sorry, here is what I read: Im a grown man of 27, living at home playing video games all day while my mom takes care of me. I am able to play computer games all day and post on the forums non stop, yet Im unable to do an office job. Im mad my dad wont travel to see me EVERY week, forgeeting the fact once again that I am a 27 year old man.

Id be very interested to know what this magical condition you and so many mmo champ/wow people have that allows you to be taken care of so youn can stay home all day and play video games. Also, where can i get this condition so I have to stay home and "suffer" not working while people feed house and pay for me?

epic douchebag of the day award goes to you sir, congratulations, your parents must be so proud of the pathetic individual they have raised.

to the OP, i understand exactly how you feel, while i'm in a similar situation as you personally regarding my health and living situation, my parents are still married, but i hate my father, and my mother is at her wits end as he is unwilling to change his ways, even after years of therapy, he slumps back into old habits, plus my uncle, dads brother, i see maybe once a year at best, main reason, because his wife wears the pants in his relationship, she can visit her brother who lives 45 minutes away from us, but they can't spend the extra time to come and see us, his youngest daughter, my cousin, i saw her just beforet he summer, she is now 8 years old, last time i saw her, she was still a toddler, these are direct blood relations, and she doesn't even know who i am or who my family are, other than she has some family in the north east and we are that family, i have told them privately that if they don't sort something out, that they may aswell not bother at all, and it is their loss not ours, basically it comes down to, your dad needs t owant to see you and your other family members, you can't force the issue, i understand that your health concerns mean that time is limited, and that complicates things, but it is his loss for not wanting to spend time with his family and you should let him go, he will realise what a mistake he has made and it will haunt him for the rest of his life, so take solace in that.

Infracted. Flaming isn't tolerated here

[THE Bigzoman]

Some perspective: I live in northeast Iowa. And my parents moved to Florida in 2011, meaning I only see them once or twice every 1 1/2 years.

Divorces have a tendency to misplace priorities and create rifts. Especially following relationships.

Despite this fact, it seems to me that he was at least there during your childhood, and you are complaining about not seeing him during adult years.

Have you tried engaging in activities he likes? Drinking perhaps? Hit a bar? Strip club?

If he doesn't want to see you more, well, at least he was there when it mattered. It seems to me that you are complaining about kid stuff as an adult.

[Cruor]

epic douchebag of the day award goes to you sir, congratulations, your parents must be so proud of the pathetic individual they have raised.

to the OP, i understand exactly how you feel, while i'm in a similar situation as you personally regarding my health and living situation, my parents are still married, but i hate my father, and my mother is at her wits end as he is unwilling to change his ways, even after years of therapy, he slumps back into old habits, plus my uncle, dads brother, i see maybe once a year at best, main reason, because his wife wears the pants in his relationship, she can visit her brother who lives 45 minutes away from us, but they can't spend the extra time to come and see us, his youngest daughter, my cousin, i saw her just beforet he summer, she is now 8 years old, last time i saw her, she was still a toddler, these are direct blood relations, and she doesn't even know who i am or who my family are, other than she has some family in the north east and we are that family, i have told them privately that if they don't sort something out, that they may aswell not bother at all, and it is their loss not ours, basically it comes down to, your dad needs t owant to see you and your other family members, you can't force the issue, i understand that your health concerns mean that time is limited, and that complicates things, but it is his loss for not wanting to spend time with his family and you should let him go, he will realise what a mistake he has made and it will haunt him for the rest of his life, so take solace in that.

LOL. know what each of you guys have in common? "my condition blah blah cant work blah blah" what EXACTLY is this condition that prevents you from working, yet you are able to play computer games all day..... but cant do data entry? please try to explain, id like to see you try. maybe 1/10 of you really cant work, the other 9 exploit thier parents.

[THE Bigzoman]

It's great to see forum posters disrespecting the man that played a role in bringing them into the world.

It is.

[Aeluron Lightsong]

Be thankful you know your biological father and was still there for you. Mine wasn't. Basically my situation was Mom made it known before she married him he wanted more than one child. That was ok...after marriage and I came along he decided "Well fuck it I don't want anymore children." That caused a rift. When I was a baby and I was crying he grabbed me and left me in the grass. My grandfather(Mom's dad) didn't take that very well. My biological father was an alcoholic and one day he took all the credit cards and such and left me and Mom alone. We ended up staying with my grandparents until we met the Dad that raised me the true father I have now may not be biologically related to me.

However he is a much better man. I haven't seen my biological father since. I don't want to see him. He lost his chance. So in some ways you are lucky.