Can a guy help me figure out my boyfriend?

[Cthulhu 2020]

You've been with him for 6 years. Rather than seeing this is as a reason not to leave him, see it as a learning experience.

It's obvious he doesn't respect you or care about your happiness. He seems to be the kind of guy that would rather gain and keep affection by destroying someone's self esteem than actually nurturing them. It's textbook mental and emotional abuse. That's the MO of many men. They make you feel like trash so they're the only one you can possibly get.

Break out of that.

[Deleted]

honestly he sounds like total dick and you sound like a doormat

[dez1216]

I'll preface this by saying I've been in your shoes. I spent 5 years with a guy who spent all 5 years arguing with me over pointless BS (probably the same 5 arguments just rehashed over and over and never resolved) and emotionally abused me constantly. We owned a home and were engaged when I ended it. We had an argument (over one of those 5 things) and I decided to try and talk out just what the hell the real issue was and he flat out told me "if you don't like how I am and how things are, there's the door. Go". He said it because after 5 years of being his doormat he didn't honestly think I would go. I moved back to my parents house, took a pay off for the house and used the money to go to school and get a trade certification. 3 1/2 years later I have a good job, a boyfriend who has some issues (like us all) but works at them because he loves me and respects me, we own a home and we're having a baby in July. Life is so much better than I thought it could be 3 years ago and all because I had the courage to say "enough of your shit".

It's normal to be afraid of big changes and the thought that the last 5 or 6 years of your life was wasted on trying to make something work with this guy is depressing to say the least. I'd try having a serious talk with him. Sit down, explain what exactly it is you don't like, and what exactly you would suggest he do to try and fix things. Like one poster said, if he fidgets around, sighs, rolls his eyes and deflects all the issues back on you then he doesn't care enough about you to even try to keep you. Just like you, he's simply used to you being there and doesn't want to be alone. If that's the case then make the hard decision, move back home (if that's an option but it sounds like you have supportive parents) and finish that medical degree. Focus on YOU. Take a step back, regroup yourself and then move forward unhindered by some guy who's trying to hold you back. You don't strike me as a stupid woman, just a woman who has slowly allowed herself to become some asshole's doormat. It can happen without you even realizing it's happening, but it seems like you've woken up.

Take these 6 years as a lesson. Look back on what you can improve in yourself for future relationships, and take it as a lesson in what you really want from your partner in future relationships. I learned from my 6 years that I can be a nag, and to stop yelling and screaming my arguments at my partner. I've never once in the 2 years I've been with my current boyfriend screamed at him in anger or frustration and believe me, he makes me angry and frustrated sometimes But now calm discussions are the order of the day. I also learned to be aware of when I'm being treated poorly and to curtail that shit early, and if it can't be fixed early, then move on quick.

[madmanx]

Stop being a doormat!

If you love the guy start standing up for yourself and see how he takes it. If he can't take it then he is just with you because you are a doormat and he is a very sad, pathetic person that you will be much better off without. It is very possible that he is just treating you this way because you allow it though. The human psyche isn't a beautiful place and it is your job to look after yourself. Even to the most important people in your life (mother, father, husband, wife, child) you will never rise higher than Nr2.

I don't really see a point in breaking up with him since the chance of your next relationship going exactly the same way is high. You are going to have to learn to set boundaries so you might as well start now. Like the rest of us you are doomed to repeat your mistakes until you learn your lesson.

You might think I sound harsh and uncaring but lets face the facts. If you have been with a guy that treats you like crap for 6 years, there might be a problem with you.

[zealo]

He sounds like an ass but unless you have somewhere else to live right now with exams coming up in uni level studies it would probably be for the best if you would try to just stay in there for now for the sake of your studies until you have the ability to get a own place or move in as a flatmate with other students/people.

[dez1216]

Stop being a doormat!

If you love the guy start standing up for yourself and see how he takes it. If he can't take it then he is just with you because you are a doormat and he is a very sad, pathetic person that you will be much better off without. It is very possible that he is just treating you this way because you allow it though. The human psyche isn't a beautiful place and it is your job to look after yourself. Even to the most important people in your life (mother, father, husband, wife, child) you will never rise higher than Nr2.

I don't really see a point in breaking up with him since the chance of your next relationship going exactly the same way is high. You are going to have to learn to set boundaries so you might as well start now. Like the rest of us you are doomed to repeat your mistakes until you learn your lesson.

You might think I sound harsh and uncaring but lets face the facts. If you have been with a guy that treats you like crap for 6 years, there might be a problem with you.

There's nothing wrong with her, especially if this is her first long term relationship. It's so easy to fall into the pattern of "oh he's being a dick, maybe we should end this" and then the next day he does something nice and all is forgiven. Especially if you're a forgiving person to begin with and tries hard to see the good in people. Why even suggest she make her life miserable just because she fell into a poor relationship and made the mistake of sticking with it for too long? Many people make that mistake, doesn't mean they can't wake up, move on and learn from it. For someone like me who does easily forgive and does see good in many people it's a harsh lesson to learn but it's not like it's not possible to learn it =/

[Scathbais]

[spoiler]Im in a longterm relationship, and for about a year im having serious problems with my boyfriend - generally we fight over difference in opinions.

I heard already that best option would be breaking up so he can open his eyes, but 1) i dont really want to do that, cus why hurt somebody i was in repationship for 6 years this much, 2) atm we share the same flat in city im studing at - it would be extreme pain to now move out, and im there generally on my own, having exams soon and simply not being able to do much alone.
How to stop him from thinking he is some kind of genius, just because he has some shit job? im a medicine student, and actually the amount of work i do can be easly compared to what he does, with just a difference of me sitting in flat and him sitting at work.

I think everyone has helped you figure out your boyfriend. He is an abusive asshole who is not worthy of you. Stop making excuses for his behavior and get out of that relationship as soon as possible. If you can't see breaking up is the best option, perhaps you should seek therapy to work through your personal issues.

[Immitis]

hes obviously just trying to sleep with your parents. id move on before he moves onto them

[Kulanae]

My guess is the two of you don't talk "to" each other......but "at" each other. You need to find out where you actually stand with this guy and to do that you need to have an honest talk to each other. No blame, no ultimatums.

Honest talk like......."When you do X I feel Y." i.e. When you talk down to me, I feel angry and it hurts me. Be prepared for him to tell you what you do that might make him feel that way. Talk in terms of actions and responses/emotions. Don't bog down in what is being discussed......just how it is happening and how it makes you feel.

If you find out he really doesn't care about how it makes you feel.......or he demonstrates no empathy for you.......then it is probably time to end the relationship.

[OneSent]

You are arguing with your boyfriend over completely irrelevant things to love, life and happiness.

None of what you argue about is worth sacrificing any of that. Focus on what is real or find a new boyfriend.

Anyone that petty does not deserve the compassion of another human being unless they realize how shallow they are being towards others. It is a very difficult guise to break in this day and age, but it is up to you to decide whether or not he's worth it.

[Tommy T]

Im in a longterm relationship, and for about a year im having serious problems with my boyfriend - generally we fight over difference in opinions.
Idk why we keep this running, but for me its because i still love him i guess. But i feel treated by him as somebody... dumber than he is? Our fights happen when i disagree with him over something, and i seriously dont remember a single moment i would win an argument which didnt involve material facts. I managed to sometimes pull myself up when i simply showed him an evidence that im right in wikipedia or anywhere, but in fights regarding something what we both feel different about, i can never make him accept me.
He thinks his way of seeing things is the only right and sesible way, he doesnt care to look at things my way. The situation atm is that he is working and im studing, getting money from my parents and brother. Cus of what i guess he thinks he is more 'mature' than me and i should accept the way he sees things each freaking time? I do take corrections and analise most of the cases, but what made me create this thread was situation yday:

if too long-here is the actual problem:
He had to work at new years eve. Exactly at the night from 31.12 to 1.01 he had a nightshift, but he could use internet and play meanwhile most of the time he was at work. To not make him feel bad, i also stayed at home with my parents, made them food and spent the time with them and him on the other side, in wow.
We were doing some battlegrounds (i honestly stepped into deepwind gorge for my like 10th time, had no idea how the points in there work) the thing is, he was trying to get achievement for his friend from the game, the one with capturing 4 carts what requires a bit longer fight. Having no idea what im really doing, i went for the opposite faction cart carrier and contributed in his kill. Ofc later on i got busted, the friend was sad but not angry, however my boyfriend was totally damaged. When he explained me what the cart is about, i apologized and promised to not fail this again, he kept 'being frustrated' as he said, cus it was one of 20 tires to get that achievement, and instad of telling me once that i did bad- he told me that like 5-10 times. I got simply angry cus how many times can i hear that im dumb, that i have no imagination, and i cant figure out by myelf the stealing/getting back thing with gold there (for me it was simply resources like in other bgs...) and simply exited wow. Later on, he refused to apologize for attacking me cus it was me who ruined the evening, acted like child by leaving the game after saying i dont want to intterupt his pro ass in achieving stuff in the game.
Maybe i overreacted, but it was actually second time the same day he did similar thing to me. ealier he didnt agree to my theory about some boss mechanics and why did we wipe, creating his own of also low chance to be correct but when i said it could be both, he just kept being sarcastic that i 'came up with some unreasonable shit'.
Really, how to make that ass finally take me serious? I told him i will say sorry for leaving if i hear sorry for his comments. So far, no response, he is not doing anything imporant, i see him playing again.


I heard already that best option would be breaking up so he can open his eyes, but 1) i dont really want to do that, cus why hurt somebody i was in repationship for 6 years this much, 2) atm we share the same flat in city im studing at - it would be extreme pain to now move out, and im there generally on my own, having exams soon and simply not being able to do much alone.
How to stop him from thinking he is some kind of genius, just because he has some shit job? im a medicine student, and actually the amount of work i do can be easly compared to what he does, with just a difference of me sitting in flat and him sitting at work.

I suggest dumping the little cunt with immediate effect.

[Kreeshak]

break up.

(10 characters)

[Pull My Finger]

Well honestly, he sounds like a real jackass. A very immature person that's treating you in a disrespectful and abusive way. Stuff like that really has no place in a relationship. There's no justification for such an attitude, least of all towards your partner.

I realise that nobody enjoys entertaining the thought of breaking up after 6 years of relationship, but being treated like an idiot within your own four walls just isn't something you need, and is extremely unhealthy and hurtful in the long run. You should be very clear with him about it and give him a constructive, but firm wake up call. He needs to realise what he's doing to you and what he's putting into jeopardy. If he doesn't have any understanding, it's time to give him the sack, because in that case, he truly isn't worth it.

[Spraxle]

He sounds like my brother in the way he's acting. I know most people here are saying leave him and that's truthfully the best advice. Verbal/mental abuse is just as bad (if not worse then physical abuse) and it will probably spiral into physical abuse at some point. He doesn't care about you and if he did he wouldn't act the way he is. He would also take the 3 seconds to explain what he's trying to do instead of saying nothing then hissy-fitting out like a bitch.

[KyyaL]

Here's some cold truth for you. He is not going to change nor will he take you seriously unless there is a life-changing experience happens that somehow changes him. The best thing for you to do is dump him. You may think it's harsh but it is as simple as that. You may think you can change him or he'll change or he'll grow up but it will not happen. This is not the movie (lulz).

[Binary Speaker]

Yeah he doesn't care about you. Especially if he gets mad over WoW. Dump him and find someone worth while.

[Deleted]

Well... in my relationship, I'm "the ass". I would be sad as hell if he dumped me though. Just talk to your boyfriend about it and make sure it will be a proper serious talk, not "just another one of your drama moments" as he probably might see your less-serious complaints. Be calm and strong, explain him how you see the stuff, explain you feel under-appreciated. Don't blame him, offer solutions, tell him you don't want to have a relationship like this if it goes on. See what you can come up with.

[RicardoZ]

Sounds like a pretty miserable relationship. Dump him and move on. My wife and I clash over a lot of things (she grew up in a family of communists under surveillance by the Pinochet regime and I'm a Republican...She's Catholic and I'm Protestant...etc.) but it never really affects our relationship, we always find some middle ground and leave it at that.

If you and your boyfriend aren't able to overcome those types of hurdles after six years, then I don't see very much hope your future. Save yourself the headache and bail now.

[Deleted]

yeah we can help. he's a dick.

Dump him as soon as convenient (the day your exams are over) if its too much hassle to do so before, but get rid of the pillock.

[Palinn]

A six year relationship! Sadly, I have no directly experience for you. However, I think you need to ask yourself one question... and really think on it before you answer... do you love him? Now, make sure your answer isn't just yes because you don't feel comfortable leaving, or because you're scared of moving out on your own or because you're not comfortable with changing your life... Think about it, talk to your parents or another person close to you about it - heck, you can even talk to your bf about it.

If you do love him explain to him your concerns. If you're not happy with his reaction and/or followup then sit him down again and explain that you're leaving for a while - you still love him, and if he loves you he needs to help resolve the problems.

Six years is a long time but it does not mean you're stuck with this person for forever, or that you wasted those years if you leave.

Also, it isn't unreasonable to break up with this person and still live together as roommates if you both feel comfortable doing that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it IMO, but you may have different beliefs/ideas - you gotta do what feels right for you. I wouldn't just stay in a relationship with him if you don't want to, though - living a lie sucks.

good luck and stay safe.