Married and Gaming? Advice for a married man :)

[Emaias]

First, I would like to say that what I'm about to say is rather hard for me to type and put into words, but I'll do my best. I'm asking you guys MMO-C not necessarily what I should do, but rather what you would do, or what you have done if you've been in my shoes.

About 3 years ago I met the women I was going to marry, and I decided that it was time to get my life back together. I decided to drop my job at the family business in order to pursue a career that I could grow in. I dropped all non essential aspects from my life (I.E Video Games, which was a HUGE part of my life) almost cold turkey. I moved out of my parents got my own place, and essentially just grew up. I decided the best option for me was to join the NAVY. The economy is kinda garbage, and I didn't exactly have any skills that could get me a decent paying job that I now needed to support my new life.

Fast Forward now 3 years to 2014. I am 22 now, I have a nice 3 bedroom house, 2 cars, working on my college degree to be a high school history teacher, and have a very successful career for my family in the NAVY. We have been married 2 years now, and everything is fantastic. Well almost everything. I've come to a wall in my life where I feel this empty void. My wife is not very accepting of video games, and therefore doesn't really support when I decide to play casually with friends. Now, before anyone says "If she controls what you do leave if you're not happy, etc." I want to make a point that she knew me when I played WoW like a second job raiding 5 - 6 hours a night 4 - 5 nights a week. I can see where she may think I will go back to those habits.

Now, here's my dilemma. I want to casually play games again, no where near what I did before. I don't even have the time to do so. I'm talking maybe an hour a night with maybe slightly more time on the weekends. My wife has a very blunt, very concrete NO every time I bring up the subject. Has anyone else been in the same situation with me? Did you approach your spouse? How did it go? What did you say/do? I'm very curious. I'd like for my wife to join me as well since it can be used for bonding when I am deployed and half a world separates us.

I appreciate anyone who answers. Please, no insults towards my wife since it's very hard to put into words exactly what goes on.

[Spectral]

At the risk of being a dick, this is a great example of why I'm glad I didn't marry at a young age. I don't think most people have sufficiently developed their own identity to know what's going to make them happy in a partner until a bit later. Of course, some do, and if you're basically happy, I don't mean to be hateful.

As for what I'd do? Knowing what I know about myself and about potential partners now, I simply wouldn't date such a person. I've been with my fiancee about two and a half years, we live together, and the notion that one of us even has the power to tell the other person they can't play games or do whatever they like more broadly is completely foreign. I used to be a pretty serious raider (hooray for top 50 kills!), but settled out of that somewhere during grad school and have gradually tapered play down. Now I play a bit of Diablo now and then, generally enjoy it, but no biggie. She has no interest in playing with me, although she'd play console games if I got something she liked. We simply have some things we do together, some things we do apart, and some things we do for each other. Gaming is one of the things we do apart. There's enough that we do together that the ~5 hours per week of games don't mean much.

[Independent voter]

Try a compromise, do something she wants in exchange for being able to play for a couple of hours. If she has her friends over, take that time to play a game.

[Emaias]

I understand where you are coming from Spectral. And no part of my marriage makes me unhappy if you got that impression I apologize. Like I said it's hard to state all my thoughts into words.

I guess my overall opinion on how she feels is I'm already working 13 hour work days, plus grad studies, so I feel as though at times she feels like I dont wish to spend time with her. Which my question then leads to how have people similarly in my shoes dealt with said situation. Thank you though for your feedback!

[Deleted]

It's an interesting dilemma.

One which i'm torn on, your wife is most likely fearful of video games controlling your life again as opposed to straight out manipulative behavior (Exercising control over every aspect of your life), but, you stated you quit cold turkey.

Which indicates you're very strong willed and able to focus on what's important, your request for time to spend on games is also very fair, which in turn leads me to the opinion your wife is behaving irrationally somewhat.

You could disregard her opinion out right of course as nothing more than irrelevant garbage, trying to control your life, but i think she cares for you and that care is leading to her acting in what she views as a reasonable act (That being denying you the option of gaming).

I'm curious of the dynamic of the relationship, does she "Call the shots" or are you more a split relationship in the realm of who tenders to the responsibility inherent to such a relationship.

She's definitely being very unfair though, and i'd say you're better off speaking with her frankly on the matter because this isn't a healthy attitude to have; That being ordering what your partner can and cannot do.

I knew a married man who was in a somewhat similar circumstance, but his wife loathed video games, they set up a weekly system of points that he could spend on video game time (He raided with us 3 hours a night 3 days a week).

[Binaris]

This is almost my exact same situation i ran into, even the Navy. If you plan to play casually, explain to her what that actually means. By now you should have talked her ear off enough that she should understand some of the lingo. Explain about raid finder and other non guild options that let to play on your own schedule.

If she simply responds with a NO without hearing you out, then it is time to lay down some ground rules. Because you are her partner not her slave, you are not choosing between the woman you married and a game, you are choosing between a castrating witch who replaced your wife and a game.

[Bakis]

To be blunt, you two are happily married and that should include giving each other the space and time to persue whatever one feel they want to fill some of their limited casual time with.
If she cant accept that you want to spend that time gaming you really need to sit down and talk about personal boundaries.

Everyone, including you and your spouse know that a relationship especially a married one has to be about giving each other room to do stuff that aint together.
If that rule is broken it will be hell in the long run. Deal with it, shouldn't be too hard cos she will have the same need of putting a few hours/week into something she enjoy without including nor needing your approval.

As I said, blunt, but freaking common knowledge

[Deleted]

I understand where you are coming from Spectral. And no part of my marriage makes me unhappy if you got that impression I apologize. Like I said it's hard to state all my thoughts into words.

I guess my overall opinion on how she feels is I'm already working 13 hour work days, plus grad studies, so I feel as though at times she feels like I dont wish to spend time with her. Which my question then leads to how have people similarly in my shoes dealt with said situation. Thank you though for your feedback!

Partners need time apart, everyone does, it's healthy.

Your wife, being a navy wife must have a fair amount of spare time on her hands correct?

That allows her to spend every minute you're home together, you most likely want time to detox and relax; Which is completely normal, she shouldn't view that as "Not wanting to be with her", she may require reassurance on the matter regarding it.

She may read a book with a glass of wine every night for an hour, you should be able to play video games much like she spends her time relaxing.

Ironically enough she may be demonizing the games you want to play as a result of you wanting "Me" time.

[Spectral]

If she cant accept that you want to spend that time gaming you really need to sit down and talk about personal boundaries.
Everyone, including you and your spouse know that a relationship especially a married one has to be about giving each other room to do stuff that aint together.

Spot on. Time for OP to lay things out clearly, concisely, and as kindly as possible, then hope that the necessary emotional maturity is there for this to break well.

[Emaias]

It's an interesting dilemma.

One which i'm torn on, your wife is most likely fearful of video games controlling your life again as opposed to straight out manipulative behavior (Exercising control over every aspect of your life), but, you stated you quit cold turkey.

Which indicates you're very strong willed and able to focus on what's important, your request for time to spend on games is also very fair, which in turn leads me to the opinion your wife is behaving irrationally somewhat.

You could disregard her opinion out right of course as nothing more than irrelevant garbage, trying to control your life, but i think she cares for you and that care is leading to her acting in what she views as a reasonable act (That being denying you the option of gaming).

I'm curious of the dynamic of the relationship, does she "Call the shots" or are you more a split relationship in the realm of who tenders to the responsibility inherent to such a relationship.

She's definitely being very unfair though, and i'd say you're better off speaking with her frankly on the matter because this isn't a healthy attitude to have; That being ordering what your partner can and cannot do.

I knew a married man who was in a somewhat similar circumstance, but his wife loathed video games, they set up a weekly system of points that he could spend on video game time (He raided with us 3 hours a night 3 days a week).

What an excellent representation of what's going on! I'll try and hit each of your points the best I can.

1) I do believe she is fearful that I will lose focus on what I've worked so hard to achieve and will fall behind in both my studies and my advancements within my career. I believe she has the image of me sitting at the computer for hours talking to random people trying to kill a boss that doesn't effect my real life. It's like the saying "I can't expect you to understand what I do, I can only hope you'll support me"

2) I do believe she thinks caring about me means no gaming. I have a buddy I went to boot camp with and A-School then got stationed with. Safe to say we are very close. He is married as well so our wives are rather close. When my buddy and I hangout we usually have a few beers and relax by playing a few rounds of CoD or Borderlands. This usually doesn't last more then an hour before we get bored. While my wife tolerates that I play with him, his wife could careless and actually encourages him to play since it helps relieve stress after our long days. I feel as though seeing his wife this way makes me slightly jealous, but I digress. IT's not an issue of not wanting to be with my wife, which I believe some may pull from the above.

3) Mainly the relationship is split. Although I do feel at times I'll get my opinion asked for, but a decision was already made prior to asking me. Although I feel that is almost all women (Or maybe just the women in my life).

4) When trying to speak with her it is very fast conversations that usually lead no where. I feel that may be my fault as I don't know how to approach he conversation and always lead off with the same statement, and have no way of working out a deal or a compromise. Which is why I asked if others have been in my situation and if anyone had any solid advice.

Thanks again for the advice! Spot on analysis

Wow that was a lot of responses while I typed that. Not the fast typer I used to be lol. I feel as though everything everyone has said is spot on. I just have to figure out how to go about this conversation. I will admit my wife is like a bull when it comes to decisions. Once she sets her mind to something it's like to trying to end the casual vs hardcore argument.

[xinjun]

< 28 and have been married twice already. All I can say is

[Rabian]

What does she do during the day? If she is unemployed and not going to school then I could understand why she would miss you because she has nothing to do except wait for you to get home. However, if she has a busy life as well then it seems like she should be more understanding of the need to have time to unwind, and you should basically tell her that if you have time to relax it will help your relationship in the long run much more so than if she tries to force you to spend time with her.

[icausewipes]

The void you feel can be filled with making more money or getting a better position/job in life.
Answer a few questions:

1. You guys trying for kids?
2. Can you support the family while she stays at home?
3. Can you afford a family on 1 salary?
4. Do you have an "Oh shit" account just in case?
5. If something happened to you (or her) can you manage financially?


She might be a bit controlling, but she is prolly thinking your time could be better spent improving the nest.

[Emaias]

What does she do during the day? If she is unemployed and not going to school then I could understand why she would miss you because she has nothing to do except wait for you to get home. However, if she has a busy life as well then it seems like she should be more understanding of the need to have time to unwind, and you should basically tell her that if you have time to relax it will help your relationship in the long run much more so than if she tries to force you to spend time with her.

Currently I make more then enough money for us, so I do not require her to work. Although she does work part time at like 15 - 20 hours a week that we use for dates and our non essential items that we want to save for. She is also studying to become a pharmacy technician. She also takes care of all the house work besides for the things we do together like laundry, and dinner. So she is generally busy during the day. My schedule is rather set though so I can see where some of my frustration comes from.
0400 - Wake up
0500 - Leave to PT
0600 - PT Ends leave for work
0700 - Work till 1400
1400 - Maintenance Meeting
1600ish - Leave work
1700 - Get home
1730 - Start Dinner with wife
1800 - Eat
1830 - Clean up
1900 - Shower
1930 - 2200 Relax time (Assuming no errands need to be run)

[Darkrulerxxx]

i've been married for 5 years (currently 24), it was not easy getting my wife to accept that i love to play games, and it takes time for both spouses to adjust to each others lifestyle.

she shops

i game

and we always prioritize spending time together.

being stuck together 24/7 is madness.

she needs to compromise with you or things are going to get ugly, assert yourself or it'll never happen.

and if that doesn't work, go get couples counseling.

[Sunseeker]

My wife gamed before we met, so us gaming together and gaming on our own time was no big deal. Have you suggested playing something together? Is she opposed to any and all video games of any sort? What about gaming with your future kids? Is she worried about you bring on the computer, or any kind of gaming? If you've got a buddy and a potentially curious wife, I know there are many people in the military who play tabletop RPGs like D&D, perhaps she'd be more open to something you're doing together, with friends but not on the computer.

[Emaias]

The void you feel can be filled with making more money or getting a better position/job in life.
Answer a few questions:

1. You guys trying for kids?
2. Can you support the family while she stays at home?
3. Can you afford a family on 1 salary?
4. Do you have an "Oh shit" account just in case?
5. If something happened to you (or her) can you manage financially?


She might be a bit controlling, but she is prolly thinking your time could be better spent improving the nest.

We are trying but no success so far
I can, I make fairly decent money
Currently we have 10,000 in savings, only spending about half of my months paycheck on bills, rest go into savings
Yes I do, which is pretty substantial
Since im military I'm insured for $400,000, and she is insured for $100,000. So yes.

As far as getting more money or a better position. I've already advanced at a much faster rate then normal, and how the military works is: You have to wait a certain amount of time before being able to try and promote again. Money wise, the military is pretty strict about working another job since we have to be always ready and deployable.

[Spectral]

So, from an efficiency standpoint, spending an hour before going to work, an hour going each way to work, and an hour from home to PT seems suboptimal. If there's something you could do about those situations, it seems like that'd be pretty nice. That's 4 hours, which is a huge chunk of the day.

I'm also kind of confused by the hour of clean up/shower. You are either an impeccably groomed individual or there's missing bits of time there.

Finally, it seems to me that if your wife isn't working, the least she could do is have dinner ready when you get home. During the government shutdown, I had some time off, and that shit was awesome. A couple good workouts a day, kept my fiancee's (then girlfriend's) apartment super clean, and cooked a great meal for her every day. If you're not working, it's trivially easy to make your partner's life really easy.

[Anjerith]

I am not going to criticize your wife, but I do have some criticism for you; if she outright tells you that you cant play a game, perhaps you are not playing as casually as you think you are.

Also, I am not really sure how the military goes these days, but if you are working alternating long-term shifts at a base (i.e. nights for six months)then she would obviously want you to spend the time you arn't busy with her instead of on a game.

[Ceruion]

I wish the best of luck to you, really.

But that's something you should have worked out before you got married. Explain that she can't act like a petty teenager and restrict you from video games. My wife isn't an avid gamer either, but she understands it's my form of entertainment, just as hers is crafting.