Bi-Polar Girlfriend?

[Deleted]

Dated a bipolar girl for 2.5 years.

Don't do it.

[Post]

a) he can try to seek her help, even work it out with her, it can work, yet hard. I mean we're taming lions nowadays, taming humans should be a piece of cake.. jk..

b) he can ditch her if he doesn't feel the work is worth it for her.

ditching is not always a option..

Getting out of an unhealthy relationship is always an option. If you think him just "seeking help" with therapy or something is going to magically fix her bi-polar disorder, you don't know much about it.

[Yuyn]

It's a bit concerning that she views herself as "broken." It doesn't sound like her medication is doing much, which is weird.

Bingo. Medication for bipolar is typically relatively effective once a person's on the right stuff -- if she's going through such mood swings (meaning spans of weeks -- bipolar is not manic one day, depressed the next), then she probably needs the meds adjusted, possibly a lot. (The big caveat here: finding the right meds or combination of them can take a long, long time -- you often need 2-3 months just to see what happens on any new meds.)

I've dealt with a bipolar, 'broken' person before (though I've suspected the bipolar may have been misdiagnosed PTSD there). Even just over the span of a few months, I practically became neurotic in trying to handle things. It's not fun if it's someone who's either (a) completely untreated or (b) not treated enough to be (mostly) under control -- if you happen to know whether she's recently diagnosed (up to a couple years, at least) or been trying treatments for several years, it might help you make a useful decision.

[Belloc]

that's your perspective of it, i'm sure you had your flaws that made her go crazy. it's funny how the beaches are always the issue,not the guys. how do you .. " genuinely care " for her? girls take alot of effort and many guys don't know that.. it's a full time job..

Out of all of the girlfriends I've had, she was the only one with any of these kinds of problems. "Genuinely care" means that I had feelings for her, like love. It means that I would've done pretty much anything she asked (and, certainly, I did). It means that I had a hard time breaking up with her, even after 5 years of her blowing up at me for any number of reasons, including when I would compliment her (she would think that I was insulting her, which made absolutely no sense).

So, yeaaaah, maybe understand that the topic of this thread is bi-polar significant others before you start blaming people for problems which you weren't there for.

Also, if you consider girls to be a "full time job," then it sounds like you're doing it wrong. How many people bitch about raiding because it's a "full time job?" Yeah...

[Deleted]

I had a best friend in high school, thinking back she was either bi-polar, or crazy. I still can't decide.

She seemed pretty normal at first, but then she started getting really weird, like we would be laughing and having a joke, then if I said something, anything, she'd look at me like I killed someone and say I took it too far or it was a stupid joke, even though it wasn't anything different to what she said. Then sometimes after school we would go to her house (coz it was closer) and she told me to change into her clothes, I said no because I was fine, and she flipped out 'WHY ? Do you not like my clothes? DO you not like me? etc etc. It was really trippy.

I stayed friends with her because she was still a good friend all in all and I thought I could keep it up, but that all changed when the fire na- I mean, when I got a boyfriend. She just wouldn't want me hanging out with him, which was a ballache because I had never even had a boyfriend before (was 13ish) and I really liked him. But it was hard trying to get things to develop when your supposed best friend is constantly trying to drag you away from your new bf. It's not like I was shutting her out to be with him, I was trying to balance it out.

One day it all became too much for me, she was just being too demanding, wanting to be with me all the time, taking me away from a budding relationship, she started doing some other crazy shit that I will leave for now, but I couldn't bare her anymore so I flipped my shit in the middle of break at school, something I had never done so far in my LIFE because I had always been a calm and understanding person...

She started not showing up to school and people were asking why we weren't hanging out, even the teachers were worried because we were that close before, and I even got held back after a class to talk to the teacher about it like 'I hope you've not stopped being friends just because you have a BF now because friends are just as important etc' I had to explain how it was more than that and she was literally driving me crazy and just made me not want to be friends fullstop. Turns out she'd stopped coming into to school because she'd decided to become anorexic and got so ill she was staying days in the hospital.

I tried not to be the bad person in all this, the day after I had yelled at her she approached me and I told her how I didn't mean to upset her or anything, I just couldn't deal with it so I may have managed it badly. But then she asked 'What is it you don't like about me? My personality?' so I said Well, yes, so she said 'fine' and left.

All in all, I don't regret not having her in my life as it turned out she never changed and I had seen her on FB doing the exact same stuff with other people, and the boy she was trying to keep me away from? He's my fiance and are trying to save up for our own place, then once that happens we will get married with any luck.

So it was a difficult experience for me, she kept doing the same old stuff and made people do everything for her, and it made me never want another female best friend, I had NEVER been best friends with a girl until that point and I never want another one :/ men don't do crazy crap like that, they do stupid stuff but they don't make you want to drive your/their face through a wall.

That's my share of a similar story, whether or not she was actually bi-polar, I didn't stick around to ask, but that was a 2 year long relationship that ended very badly even though she was a good friend when she was calm, then as you said she had a 'flip side' that made you want to take a baseball bat to someone's face.

I hope you can make your relationship work, try your best at it, but I have to say; if you really just cannot take it, it may not really end up worth it. It's just finding another person that you work well with would be your next step. But do try first if you love her so much. That's all I got here.

[Murmaidor]

I can understand trying to stick it out because in a lot of ways you feel that one day it will be normal and there will be light at the end of the tunnel but in many cases that is not the case. Do not let one person destroy your life or bring you down in your own path of misery. No one is worth being miserable over and sometimes you have to think about your well being.

I have been there, I dated someone who I was friends with for a few years and never would have guessed there was a dark side behind that charm but started seeing it quick once we started dating. I stuck it out for 2 years and rest assure it never changed for the better. The same problems kept coming up over and over again. Her getting mad at me for no reason, bending words around on me, saying very mean things when she is upset and played a lot of various games. I would have ended it at the first glance of craziness but I believed in her because we was friends before hand so I kept trying to hang in there. One day I started waking up to it, she started on me one night and I told her that she was not the girl I thought she was. Her excuse was she was going through hard times (these hard times of hers were a bunch of bs) and one day I more less caught her up into some shady stuff. That was my breaking point I said I had enough of her crap.

It's not worth the pain unless that person who has issues and are willing to fix them and better them self. No one deserves to be treated like a dog and you should be quick to stand up for yourself. They are going to do whatever they can to make you out to be the bad guy no matter what. Thats the nature of a manipulator and someone who doesnt really care for you. There is no being a rock for that. Save the grief and find someone who really wants something good.

[Spraxle]

Not to sound like an asshole, but if you break it off and it's just because you can't deal with the bi-polar you're kind of a dink. She has probably had people her entire life shit on her because of her bi-polar disorder. That sucks for someone. It wears their self worth down and has them saying things like, 'im holding you back.' She is just saying that in an attempt to protect herself from you breaking up with her (see: leaving her, probably like many others *friends/family/etc* have). You're probably showing that you're 'worn down' and she feels like the 'inevitable' loss of another person in her life is coming so she's trying to ease the blow.

Man up. Relationships are hard. Bi-polar or not relationships are difficult. Only you can make the decisions here. But if you want to treat this like an adult then you need to sit her down and talk about it. You need to lay all the cards out on the table and see where you both are at. Your post about her being manipulative is hard to read because you are giving one side of the story: yours. If she shouldn't be drinking on her meds then don't enable her.

[Mihalik]

Bi polar girlfriend. Been there done that a few years ago. Holy shit that ended in a trainwreck.

I know she was an amazing woman deep inside. She really was, if there ever was a woman I wanted to marry it was her. On her good days. Her problem was that when things were good, they were great, smart, sexy, fun, honest, uncomplicated. But the oddest and most inexplicable things would trigger wild and insane mood swings. The weather, innocent comments, jokes, friends, politics, TV shows, food etc.

After a while we agreed to break off the relationship and to take some time apart after which we could return to be friends, as we didn't really want to be out of each others lives. After 6 months not seeing each other, we resumed as friends only. That's what I thought we were doing. I moved on, she didn't. She secretly hoped we would get back together, and this wrecked her inside...(I'm still soo damn sorry for not noticing and figuring out that I was harming her by still being in her life) Eventually things escalated really badly, and she ended up stalking me, I had to move, change my numbers and get a restraining order. I hated her for a while when things were really bad. But now thinking back I realize, I carry a huge chunk of responsibility, I should have read between the lines better. Now she is in treatment again, and doing better from what I heard, tho she is struggling with holding down a job.

Tho my example is not a fits all sizes case. Some people handle it differently, the condition has different levels of severity and the meds work differently for people. I'm not saying that you can't make the relationship work, but I am warning you to keep your eyes open for every detail, it could possibly work with incredible amounts of effort and sacrifice, but you have to consider what the effect would be on your mental state. If you lose patience, if you lose your temper etc, it could be a very bad thing for her too.

[Forsedar]

Flip a coin.

No, seriously.

Decide what heads and tails are, and depending on whichever way it lands- if you immediately wish the outcome was different you know what you instinctively want.

[Xargoth6634]

Not to sound like an asshole, but if you break it off and it's just because you can't deal with the bi-polar you're kind of a dink. She has probably had people her entire life shit on her because of her bi-polar disorder. That sucks for someone. It wears their self worth down and has them saying things like, 'im holding you back.' She is just saying that in an attempt to protect herself from you breaking up with her (see: leaving her, probably like many others *friends/family/etc* have). You're probably showing that you're 'worn down' and she feels like the 'inevitable' loss of another person in her life is coming so she's trying to ease the blow.

Not wanting to be with someone who is bipolar and isn't getting help isn't "shitting all over her," it's ensuring that you maintain your own quality of life and sanity. I've never dated a bipolar girl but I dated one with plenty of emotional issues and no matter what I did to try and help nothing worked, and she had no interest in helping herself. It was chaos at first when i broke it off, but it had to be done. All these people who are all "HEY MAN YOU MUST NOT LOVE HER, SOMEONE WHO LOVES HER WOULDN'T BAIL" have no idea what they're talking about. It's not your responsibility to stay in a bad relationship forever just because the other person is going through shit, particularly when they can't or won't try and help themselves no matter what you do.

[Halyon]

If you really love her, you stay and support her, that is THE most important thing she needs. Your support and understanding. If you can't deal with it, you need to break it up as soon as possible, because it'll only hurt both of you if you don't. HOWEVER. I'd implore you, if you do break it up, to stay there for her as a friend.

[Mihalik]

HOWEVER. I'd implore you, if you do break it up, to stay there for her as a friend.

If you read my story...that is what I did. That caused a lot more damage.

[Stir]

If she takes her moods out on you, then leave.

Bi-polar disorders can be tough to deal with, sure, but there is still such a thing as being in control of your behaviour. Even if you feel like shit (or the queen of the world), you can still look at your own behaviour and not allow it to cause you to inflict harm on others. Ratio winning over on emotion.

If she doesn't, and she inflicts harm on you (manipulation, overly controlling, guilt tripping, emotional or physical abuse), then get out immediately. No amount of psychological illnesses are an excuse for it.

If she does not, then you can love her like you can love anyone. Nobody is perfect, after all, and while the bi-polar may make you feel bad, as long as you feel bad for her (and not about your own (emotional) safety), then that's not so bad.

[Strakha]

Maybe she's lying and has commitment issues, and just wants you to leave her so she doesnt have to "hurt your feelings."

[Pitkanen]

If she isn't telling a white lie to break up with you "softly", then you're still in a terrible position. You should probably find someone else, someone that don't refuse to be with you because they feel unworthy, or didn't break up with you by lying and saying that's case. You can put 1-2 weeks into trying to "white knight" around it, but if it isn't resolved by then you just need to accept that it's over. If you don't she's likely to hold you in a painful limbo for a while.

[Jotaux]

You should talk with her about it. Honestly, the "you are too good for me" thing would make me wonder if she just doesn't want to hurt your feeling but wants you to leave her.

[Gritches]

I've had two long-term relationships with two very different bipolar women. One of them was almost exactly how you've described the girl in question, and it is absolutely fucking draining, for sure. The high points eventually become nothing more than a break from all the fighting, yelling, manipulating, and general hellish behavior during the low points. Especially the manipulating - two years, six horses, and a lot of guilt later I have to admit she was damn good at it.

That girl was heavily medicated for her bipolar. This is in contrast to my wife, who takes nothing. She has the same low points, but instead of relying on medication and/or recreational aggression to make her feel better she actually helps herself. She uses logic to control her emotions by thinking rationally about things (I know, right?) and reacts to any given situation based on what would be reasonable and rational. This keeps her feet on the ground and stops the rolling snowball of emotion that is a bipolar mood swing. That kind of thought process is also one of the many definitions of emotional maturity, bipolar or not.

That's my insight and experience. If you want my opinion based on what I've read throughout the thread: Save yourself a whole lot of trouble. Bipolar is a serious thing, but in cases like this it may be more of a red herring. The problem might not be her disorder, it might be an issue of maturity. In any case, do you really want to live like that for 10+ years until adulthood has sufficiently beaten her into growing up? Oh, and it gets worse. Only two months in, dodge yourself one hell of a bullet.