I'm so confused...

[Tomec]

Forwarning, this is more to just vent and get things off my chest. So expect a bit of a long post that may seem weird/silly at times. If this isn't for you... move on. If you stick around... thanks.


So about 2-3 years ago I reconnected with one of my close childhood friends. Like if I hadn't moved away we very well could have been dating or even married possibly. Anyways, like I said, we reconnected, and she was engaged. However we still was very close friends again, hung out a lot, sometimes went to parties, I even made friends with the fiance (who seemed to be a nice guy).

During this time, especially in more recent times, she gave off some really mixed signals about things. Several times I, or others, caught her doing things that made it seem like she was interested in me. Cuddling, being close, wanting to spend time with me, getting into some of my interests... plus a bit of that subtle body language stuff like leaning in close to me at movies, hands brushing together, and one person told me they saw this weird hand reach thingy that is indicative of feelings. Oh plus flat out kissing me (on the lips and other places on body like arm/cheek), and also her moving my hand to basically grope her, several times.

For my part, I've always tried to be respectful, hide feelings I may have, etc. Though I enjoy being around her and she has a bit of a calming effect on me. I just feel at peace if that makes sense. Just very calming to be around, which for me is kind of rare as I rarely get peaceful moments. I can just easily "zone out", especially if she's in a "cuddle mood". But I was never like "lets cuddle" or "can I grope you?" or things like that. That's basically all her. (Though I obviously went along with it...)

So anyways... about 2 weeks ago (12 days) ago her fiance dumped her (quite nastily I may add) after 10 years. Though supposedly for the last like 3 or 4 he wasn't in love with her, only staying together because of (in his mind) being in a co-dependent relationship. Another reason was that he seemed to noticed some of that stuff and said that it seemed like her and I were similar in nature to how she and him were at the start of their relationship. Plus how she treats me is wrong (side note, he never knew about half the things...)

Well, I'm one of those people who tries to always help out his friends, so I helped her move out of the shared apartment to her parents. We've also been spending a bit more time together as of late too, including her spending the night over here several times.... and I think those nights were some of the best sleep I've gotten in awhile.

But now that's she single again I'm in a bit of a conundrum/confused... what do I make of the mixed signals? Do I "press my luck" as it were and see if she'd like to go out? Do I tell her how I feel? How she makes ME feel? That I feel like I'd like to spend every waking moment with her if I could? That just with her being around that makes me more happy? But then may that fall into a co-dependent thing again? I mean I don't think that I fall in that category, like I don't need her to be happy or put her needs before mine to the point of I don't get mine, but especially now with spending more time and her being single.... Well I know I'd be a lot happier with her around more "full time" as it were.

I know that logically the answer here is "just tell her and stop being a pussy", but to further complicate it I worry that if she says no things may change and I wont see her as much... and I think I'm actually scared to lose her. That's not to say I can't "give her space" or something, I mean like I said she's not constantly over here, so it's not like I'm smothering her or something. I know I've been comforting her some during the last couple weeks, but she's been "comforting me" for a lot longer even if she didn't know it. So am I depending on her for happiness and not even knowing it? Which I know isn't healthy. But even if I am, recognizing it can certainly help combat it.


There it is... not sure if it really makes me feel better or not to get it out, but maybe it's helped me organize some thoughts a bit better. Plus maybe someone will take the time to read and weigh in.

[poser765]

Damn, how long where they engaged? Anyway...

Jesus, man don't tell her you love her and she means the world to you. Tell her you are into her and would like a chance to see where things can go. Sounds like she is already putting out the vibe...just don't come on too intense and creepy.

[Tomec]

TBH I'm not sure how long they were engaged... I want to say they dated for a couple years first, so maybe 7? I think it was something about wanting to finish school or become more stable or some of the other "standard" stuff. Then during that time he fell out of love and maybe she wasn't serious as she could have been...

and yea lol, I wasn't really planning on going like "I can't stand to be alone without you" or whatever. I suppose more than anything I'm trying to figure out the best wording/time to say it. Like I really enjoy your company and would like more of it maybe. Though I know she's still, to a degree, broken up and processing everything. I mean life got literally upside down in the course of a NIGHT, and the way he did it was just so... ugh. Just out of the blue showed up with this other girl and was like "get your stuff out. We're done." Was total shock to EVERYONE, especially since a couple months ago he was all lovey-dovey and planned a surprise birthday party for her because he knew she was feeling down.

[Deleted]

"Jean (her name is now Jean) I like you in a romantic way and I'd like to see how things work out that way. I value our friendship, and if you feel it is too pressuring right now to pursue anything more I understand. But I'd rather not dance around the topic and have it all culminate awkwardly and end up going south as a result. I just want you to know I feel like this could be a good thing. So, if you're game, coffee date?"

[drwelfare]

It will not end well, she will end up back with him or with someone else not you.

It would be best to write her and time spent off as a loss, and break all connection. Leave no reason or be mean about it so she will not attempt to restart broken contact.

[poser765]

"Jean (her name is now Jean) I like you in a romantic way and I'd like to see how things work out that way. I value our friendship, and if you feel it is too pressuring right now to pursue anything more I understand. But I'd rather not dance around the topic and have it all culminate awkwardly and end up going south as a result. I just want you to know I feel like this could be a good thing. So, if you're game, coffee date?"

Jean? Why jean? There has to be a reason you picked that name.

- - - Updated - - -

It will not end well, she will end up back with him or with someone else not you.

It would be best to write her and time spent off as a loss, and break all connection. Leave no reason or be mean about it so she will not attempt to restart broken contact.

Um, what is your basis for that?

[Deleted]

Jean? Why jean? There has to be a reason you picked that name.

- - - Updated - - -

Um, what is your basis for that?

I was just watching X-Men.

Her name is Jean.

Fin.

[Aitch]

Most grand confessions of love are done for the benefit of the one confessing. Just let time do its thing.

[Deleted]

Most grand confessions of love are done for the benefit of the one confessing. Just let time do its thing.

You never make a grand confession, just do as above.

To "let time do it's thing" you need to start it in motion. Nothing's more awkward and pathetic than two people who are curious about each other, but just wait for something to intervene and force the issue.

[poser765]

I was just watching X-Men.

Her name is Jean.

Fin.

Ah! lol, not nearly as dramatic a story as I had hoped for, but it IS an explanation.

[cuafpr]

i say all the signs are there to just develop into the relationship... heck most of that stuff sounds like you are basically in one lol.

[Deleted]

ah! Lol, not nearly as dramatic a story as i had hoped for, but it is an explanation.

jeeeeaaaaannnnn.

[poser765]

Most grand confessions of love are done for the benefit of the one confessing. Just let time do its thing.

lol exactly why you don't do grand confessions. Make it known that you dig and would like to see where it could go.

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i say all the signs are there to just develop into the relationship... heck most of that stuff sounds like you are basically in one lol.

It really does doesn't it...

[Adamas102]

Tread carefully. She sounds immature and untrustworthy.

[Deleted]

Tread carefully. She sounds immature and untrustworthy.

Yeah, totally.

[Grand Crusader Absalom]

Move in for the kill.
Bang.
See how u feel about her after a few weeks of doing it then go from there
100% legit advice

[Nillah]

I wouldn't go for it if I were you. What's to say you won't end up in the same situation as her ex, with her hitting on some other guy while she's with you?

I agree with an above poster, she doesn't sound very trustworthy.

[Llunai]

She used you to make up for the intimacy that she was missing in her relationship.

Now she is out of that relationship and no longer needs you in the same way. Currently, you are her rebound. It will cycle like this: she bangs you for a bit, then she'll find some other dudes to bang, then she'll get back together with her ex. You will end up left out in the cold wondering what the hell happened.

Don't.

[Deleted]

I like all these assumptive posts about the evil intentions of this woman.

Totally healthy views.

[Realsykes]

You answered your own question.

You can either live in what-if-land, and sob when she moves on, or you can do something about it.