My poems v2.0

[Shinrael]

So, about a year ago I made this thread.
I got some positive and some negative replies but I made several mistakes. I asked people to rate them, man, was I silly. I didn't explain what each of these poems stood for thus people questioned their meaning and even said I put words there just because. Here I am, a year from then, with some new poems written down in my notepad file :P

I've made sure that all the verses in the poems rhyme ( except one ). I don't use words just because. I don't use words that just rhyme. I spend hours trying to find that one word that both rhymes and has meaning appropriate for the theme of the poem.

Your ignorance I cannot stand.
Why won't you ever understand?

How many times need I repeat?
Your promise lasts a heartbeat.

And much to your dismay,
It's you who is astray.

And much to your dismay,
Your rules I won't obey.

It's so easy to deny,
But this time I won't comply.

And without a second thought,
I leave you for the peace I've always sought!

Description: I've had countless pointless arguments with a friend of mine ( though we are way past it nowadays ). I was mad at him at the time, but I actually wrote this later when it was over and when I was completely calm. I don't want people to think of me as an "emo" or anything like that.

Billion stars, heed my call!
Listen to me, if you hear at all!
Show me the path, this is my prayer!
Lonely wandering, I'm lost in despair!
I'm calling for help, but you don't care!
Just watching me from above - this is unfair!

Description: It's pretty self-explanatory. Once again, I wasn't actually desperate when I wrote this.

Somewhere, hidden from the light,
wanders such malevolent a sprite.
Evil that exceeds our greatest fears,
causing streams of pouring tears.

Somewhere, hidden from the light,
someone's screaming out of fright.
Scared, lost and drowning in despair,
someone rinses out his final prayer.

A tear drops, a second follows,
The heart is full of thousand hollows.
One fragile soul is relentlessly shattered,
It's thousand pieces - mercilessly scattered.

The impenetrable darkness hungers,
as the weeping sky violently thunders.
A subtle spark of distant light,
fades into the all-consuming night.

But at last, the dazzling Sun appears,
the shroud of sorrow quickly disappears.
And somewhere, hidden from the light,
reignites the hope, warm and bright!

Description: Some months ago I made yet another attempt to write a story ( going to get down to it in a week when my Summer break starts ) and this poem was going to have a role in it. For those who don't know: sprite is an evil spirit. Not the best word for my poem ( since in my poem, it's supposed to be some great, great evil, whereas sprite is more like a... ghoul. Those little troublesome spirits, ya know. But oh well... ). It causes "streams of pouring tears" when it, for example, goes through some village and brings a disaster. Tears pour from the eyes of the villagers, etc. Just for clarity: The heart that is full of thousand hollows could be anyones, just like that person who is screaming out of fright could be anyone. The tears that drop, anyone could be the one crying. Anyone's soul could've been shattered and then scattered. ( I feel obligated to explain this because some people really don't understand ) It's not anyone specific. In the last paragraph, "Sun appears" "quickly disappears", I really couldn't find anything else. The whole poem is actually a riddle in the story I am writing. Each element in it like "Sun, heart, light, thousand hollows, fragile soul, thousand pieces, subtle spark, shroud of sorrow", all of these are clues. The two characters wander in a forest and have to find something. The heart is actually the heart of the forest, the thousand hollows are actually thousand caves. The fragile soul is the thing they are looking for and the thousand pieces are scattered in the caves, etc. And in the last verse: "reignites the hope, warm and bright!", for those who might question its meaning - it means that the hope reignites itself. Like a flame that was dying out and suddenly bursts into huge flames on its own. And once it has reignites, it is very warm and bright. Because those two words actually describe hope very well. Hope is something that warms your heart and guides you in the darkness, at least that's how I see it.

Why do people promise?
Why do people lie?

Noone had asked for anything,
Noone said you have to help.

You came before me as a volunteer,
You came before me loud and clear.

You could've slipped away,
You could've spared me.

Noone would've noticed,
Noone would've blamed you.

In spite of that you promised (to) help,
In spite of that you offered (your) aid.

And here I am awaiting your return,
And here I am letdown and full of spurn.

Description: This is the one exception where I didn't really focus on rhymes that much. There are only 2 verses that rhyme "volunteer/clear" and "return/spurn". The poem is about a friend of mine, not a specific one, just someone who I consider a friend. Though, what inspired me to write it is the fact I have a lot of friends who love promising to help ( some have promised to buy me things, though, I never really believed them in the first place ) and then slipping away with some lame excuse or "forgetting" that they have made a promise. In most cases I just let it go. Sometimes I remind them but the next time they forget about it, I just cba. It's too uncomfortable asking friends for things. In the fifth verse I've put 2 words in brackets because personally I prefer it without them but I'm not sure if other people would get the overall meaning.

Roses are red, violets are purple,
You are one beautiful turtle!

Description: This one is more like a joke. I was doing Siege of Orgrimmar LFR ( last wing ) and we were preparing to clear trash before Siegecrafter Blackfuse. I was talking with some guy in the raid chat and another one said "OMFG STOP SPAMMING THE CHAT". Personally, I hate it when people say stuff like that. The chat is exactly for chatting and chatting alone. "What the fuck do you think the chat is for?" I replied. And then he said "For writing poems to a turtle" ( well, it was longer than that, but the sentence in the quotes is the important part ). You've probably already figured out that my reply is the "poem" above. I came up with it on the spot. It surprised even me xD Needless to say, the whole raid group spent the next few minutes laughing ( "LOL", "ROFLMAO", "OMFGHAHA", etc ).

Our hatred, boundless and seething,
It devours all that is breathing.
Our wrath is bestial, impending,
Our agony - a curse unending.

Our vengeance, eagerly awaited,
Our lust for blood cannot be sated.
Our justice, unwavering and strict,
Each enemy is given a divine convict.

Our ranks stand tall and proud,
As we unleash our roars loud.
Victorious, we pave our story,
Marching through the path of glory!

Description: This one was also supposed to be for the story I am writing. It's supposedly the bad guys' oath.

Rise and fall!
Like the mountains tall,
Never defer, never doubt,
Dash forward and vigorously shout!

Rise and fall!
Strike with power raw,
Never falter, never stumble,
Always proud and never humble!

Rise and fall!
Sturdy like a castle wall,
Never crumble, never sunder,
Roar like a crackling thunder!

Description: I don't really know what "Rise and fall!" is supposed to mean, honestly. I was just playing League of Legends and during the loading screen I couldn't stop repeating this in my mind. It came out of nowhere... As to the rest of the poems, the fourth line in each paragraph is separate from the second and the third. What I mean is that, roaring like a crackling thunder has nothing to do with being sturdy like a castle wall :P It's weird, I know. But as I said, this whole poem came out of nowhere in my mind.

The moonlight exposes your tears,
revealing your greatest fears.
The darkness devours your soul,
leaving behind an empty hole.

The rain gently washes away the pain,
but in the end, it's all in vain.
A tear drops, a second follows,
the heart is full of thousand hollows.

The haunting nightmares will soon disperse,
but it will be too late to remove this curse.
So wake up quickly, grab my hand,
your weeping heart I want to mend.

Your smile like a newborn star is bright,
believe and it will bring the light.
It will pierce through the shroud of sorrow,
and together we will walk towards tomorrow!

Description: This poem was a lot different originally. A friend had asked me to write something for a female friend of his ( because she likes poems ). But as I didn't like it that much, a few months later I decided to rewrite it. As you can see, some of the lines can also be seen in my other poems. I like certain phrases and I often make variations of them in my new poems that follow the same theme.

I will go out in the rain,
I will handle all the pain,
I will roar with the thunders,
I will stand up as the world sunders!

I won't fall into despair,
I won't say my final prayer,
I won't let my spirit crumble,
I won't live a life so humble!

I shall rise above the rest,
I shall fight to be the best,
I shall shine upon the land at night,
I shall become the guiding light!

I refuse to let hope go away,
I refuse to kneel (down) and pray,
I refuse to tremble out of fright,
I refuse to go down without a fight!

And in the darkest night,
in the most hopeless fight,
with my fists full of might,
I charge towards the future bright!

Description: This is my most recent poem. It's one of the few poems that actually expresses the way I felt at the time of writing it. It had just begun to rain outside and I could already hear the thunders. I really wanted to go out in the rain but I had to write this down before I had forgotten it. To those who would question the meaning of "I won't live a life so humble!" - it means that I won't be like every other human, I won't reconcile with the disasters and with the misery and all the shit in one's life. I shall rise above the rest. I will be different.

Update:

I look ahead and wonder,
how long shall I wander?

Always following the road,
never daring to go abroad.

I want to stop and rest,
and decide which path is best.

Long since have I lost the map,
which shows my way outta this trap.

Where next? What follows?
My heart is full of hollows.

Hollows that I cannot fill,
pain which I cannot swill.

Your smell is in the air,
I can almost feel your hair.

You've come before me as a ghost,
because without you by my side I'm lost.

You will be my eyes and feet,
I will be your claws and teeth.

You shall become my guiding light,
and I will fight with all my might.

We will pierce through the shroud of sorrow,
and together we will walk towards tomorrow!

Description: This is the story of a man who has lost his wife. He feels guilt and is wandering in a sea of mixed emotions. Eventually, his illusions of his wife help him snap out of his emotional trance. Again I've reused some of the phrases I use, but they are in no way out of place there. This time around I just opened my notepad file and started writing. I didn't search for rhymes, I didn't check translations. I think it turned out better than my previous attempts. And a reminder: This is just fanwork. Criticism is fine, but keep in mind that I am not writing these poems for a book or something. It's just like a hobby. I am not going to publish them or anything. At least not in the near future.

Well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed. I am looking forward to receiving some constructive criticism.

[Deleted]

Lots of A-B A-B rhyming patterns. Not to be overly harsh your poems are kind of like Baldricks without the context of extracting comedy.
There is no unique twist, powerful imagery and the conception appears shallow and generally lacks purpose. What poets did you take influence from?

It would be rude not to post Baldricks poetry here now :

[Shinrael]

Lots of A-B A-B rhyming patterns. Not to be overly harsh your poems are kind of like Baldricks without the context of extracting comedy.
There is no unique twist, powerful imagery and the conception appears shallow and generally lacks purpose. What poets did you take influence from?

Not influenced from anyone.

I don't know what left you with the impression that there is no purpose, I've even explained it under some of the poems, but either way. Please, tell me how to improve along with the criticism.

[Deleted]

I'm not really into poetry, I've never understood poems and stuff, but like...

They don't HAVE to rhyme, right? Like, there are a whole gang of poems that exist that don't rhyme and they're good? I dunno, it just feels like when you force rhymes so much it's like uhhh... You know, those cheesy headless horseman style villains. Not to say that they can't rhyme but... I dunno. Poetry is weird. Like, we have these styles of poem and people like force themselves to fit within the confines of that style and like... It always just comes off as a bit forced and cheesy. It's like when you're in school and you're learning about haiku and your teacher is like "Write a haiku about...>" and the entire class's poems all full on suck, because it's weird and unnatural to try and express yourself in that kind of way. It's like giving someone a gingerbread man mold/cutter and being like "You can make any shape gingerbread man you want, but only if it fits inside this gingerbreadman mold".

[Deleted]

Sounds really depressing, might appeal to goths and emo's I suppose. Why not write some more uplifting?

[Deleted]

Sounds really depressing, might appeal to goths and emo's I suppose. Why not write some more uplifting?

It's not about sad/happy, grotesque/absurd, etc; the criticism hes asking for is solely on rythm or writing styles per se.He explained everything that he has written has a purpose, so what you've just read represents his imaginative imput.
Silverrendy, try and lose the A-B A-B types of writing (like ctd123 said) and mix things up a bit see where that leaves you.

[Shinrael]

It's not about sad/happy, grotesque/absurd, etc; the criticism hes asking for is solely on rythm or writing styles per se.He explained everything that he has written has a purpose, so what you've just read represents his imaginative imput.
Silverrendy, try and lose the A-B A-B types of writing (like ctd123 said) and mix things up a bit see where that leaves you.

Can you please explain what the A-B A-B type means. I actually don't know what it means.

- - - Updated - - -

Sounds really depressing, might appeal to goths and emo's I suppose. Why not write some more uplifting?

Those are the themes I like. But the turtle one is funny in a way. Also, the the one that starts with "Rise and fall!" and the one with "I'll go out in the rain" are inspirational, they aren't sad at all.

[Deleted]

You know, the place
where i was born,
was Booty Bay,
in Stranglethorn..

Shouldnt wonder thee,
a pirate me!
with a hat out of leather
and a large parrot feather!

My ship out of wood,
never sinking it could,
as the sea was my friend!
no matter where i went.

.. and at the day,
when i was born,
they raise a flag
in Stranglethorn!

[Deleted]

it means that I won't be like every other human, I won't reconcile with the disasters and with the misery and all the shit in one's life. I shall rise above the rest. I will be different.

Yes you will, and no you wont.

I dunno what to say about your poetry. It's kinda clichéd and empty. I don't feel anything when I read it. My grandmother used to write poetry about things like coping with caring for her sick mother, and the death of her father - and it was raw, whatever she was thinking and feeling she would write without so much concern for how it "sounded". That's the sort of poetry that makes you feel for the author. With yours I just kinda get a "this is a fantasy poem/chant". I dunno, I wish I could be more helpful but it all just feels a bit whimsical and I think it comes down to the choice of words and the structure.

Maybe try writing about more ordinary things, in more "plain" language, and see how that goes. Don't concern yourself with rhyming and making it sound "nice".

[Payday]

For goodness sake,
Let's have some cake!

[Deleted]

For goodness sake,
Let's have some cake!

Fuck off mate,
We're not on a date!

[Deleted]

English teacher reporting in.

Stop writing poetry until you've read enough to realize rhyming schemes are almost a thing of the past. Also you're writing on your own little hurts and pains, and it sounds incredibly self serving. Rather it's better to grow up a bit (yeah I'm assuming you're a teen) and then write about some real life experiences.

[Deleted]

Your poems are depressing
Are you sure your not just messing?
They are so dark and disturbing
That i´d rather watch womens curling

Maybe try something different, like a poem about tits
Or dogs, cats, maybe even about kids
But let go of the darkness, the whine and the sore
So you never have to be an emo anymore.

[Kraenen]

Here's a poem I call New York Times:

New York Times?
New York Times??
You think you're better than us?
Us? Us. U.S. USA. No way.
The end.

[jakeic]

Those are the themes I like. But the turtle one is funny in a way. Also, the the one that starts with "Rise and fall!" and the one with "I'll go out in the rain" are inspirational, they aren't sad at all.

if your theme is a single word then it is not a theme in terms of a poem. the best way to think of what a theme of a poem might be is to guess why a poet wrote the poem, in which case the theme would never be depressed, sad, happy, smiling, or any such one word description.

your poems do not need to rhyme, although using rhyme and more importantly rhythm will make for a better poem if you use them sparingly or in impactful moments. rather than focusing on choosing words that rhyme, spend time picking words that better describe the exact thing that you want to say, and use those words to describe the moment, event, place, thing, feeling, etc. that you want to impart upon your reader.

[Wildtree]

The rhythm on many of the writings is quite off, in parts horribly off...
Might wanna pay attention to that..
Rhyming is not the only criteria. It has to have a "melody" and a matching rhythm as well.

[apepi]

English teacher reporting in.

Stop writing poetry until you've read enough to realize rhyming schemes are almost a thing of the past. Also you're writing on your own little hurts and pains, and it sounds incredibly self serving. Rather it's better to grow up a bit (yeah I'm assuming you're a teen) and then write about some real life experiences.

Reasonable person reporting in.

If this person wants to use rhyming schemes, let them, what is wrong with it? Whether it is 'a thing in the past' does not mean you can not use it. And what is wrong with him using his sad 'little hurts'? What else is he supposed to write about? Writing poems has to deal with emotions, feeling hurt is one of them. You don't get to demean what he feels. Are you saying being a teen is not a real life experience? Why can't he just continue writing, he does not have to stop because he has no 'real life experience'. You should be happy a young person has taken interest in poetry, not demean them. Even Emily Dickinson wrote for her self, only a few of her were published while she was alive.

@OP, I like the poem that you made for your friend.

[jakeic]

Reasonable person reporting in.

If this person wants to use rhyming schemes, let them, what is wrong with it? Whether it is 'a thing in the past' does not mean you can not use it. And what is wrong with him using his sad 'little hurts'? What else is he supposed to write about? Writing poems has to deal with emotions, feeling hurt is one of them. You don't get to demean what he feels. Are you saying being a teen is not a real life experience? Why can't he just continue writing, he does not have to stop because he has no 'real life experience'. You should be happy a young person has taken interest in poetry, not demean them. Even Emily Dickinson wrote for her self, only a few of her were published while she was alive.

@OP, I like the poem that you made for your friend.

because what he is writing is not really poetry, they're simple rhymes stacked on top of each other.

[apepi]

because what he is writing is not really poetry, they're simple rhymes stacked on top of each other.

That criticism is fine, but that is not all what Silas is criticizing.

[Shinrael]

Update:

I look ahead and wonder,
how long shall I wander?

Always following the road,
never daring to go abroad.

I want to stop and rest,
and decide which path is best.

Long since have I lost the map,
which shows my way outta this trap.

Where next? What follows?
My heart is full of hollows.

Hollows that I cannot fill,
pain which I cannot swill.

Your smell is in the air,
I can almost feel your hair.

You've come before me as a ghost,
because without you by my side I'm lost.

You will be my eyes and feet,
I will be your claws and teeth.

You shall become my guiding light,
and I will fight with all my might.

We will pierce through the shroud of sorrow,
and together we will walk towards tomorrow!

Description: This is the story of a man who has lost his wife. He feels guilt and is wandering in a sea of mixed emotions. Eventually, his illusions of his wife help him snap out of his emotional trance. Again I've reused some of the phrases I use, but they are in no way out of place there. This time around I just opened my notepad file and started writing. I didn't search for rhymes, I didn't check translations. I think it turned out better than my previous attempts. And a reminder: This is just fanwork. Criticism is fine, but keep in mind that I am not writing these poems for a book or something. It's just like a hobby. I am not going to publish them or anything. At least not in the near future.

- - - Updated - - -

The rhythm on many of the writings is quite off, in parts horribly off...
Might wanna pay attention to that..
Rhyming is not the only criteria. It has to have a "melody" and a matching rhythm as well.

Actually, I pay more attention to rhythm than rhymes. I just don't see myself writing something, which has terrible rhythm. In that case I would simply scratch it. What you see on the screen is just the text of the poem. Sorry, but at my current level of telepathy, I still cannot send you the melody files. In fact, the second poem was meant to be a song. I just cannot sing it to you over the internet.

Yeah, there are indeed some parts where the rhytm is a lil' off, but "quite off, in parts horribly off"... I just don't see it. Several people have posted poems as examples in this and my previous thread. Examples for rhythm, rhymes, style, etc. And I can tell you, I did not like any of those poems at all. And I didn't feel the rhytm of some of them. This just proves it's a matter of taste. You either don't know the exact way that I pronounce some part of the poem or it just doesn't match your personal tastes. Not trying to say that I am good or anything like that, but the reason you don't like my poems is not necessarily the fact that they are bad.

And I still want someone to explain to me what the A-B A-B pattern means >_<