How to prevent loss of Friends over Relationships

[Deleted]

Over the years, I've dealt with multiple nasty stories of this sort: Being a close friend with someone, IRL or Internet, and having that friend abandon me as soon as they enter a relationship.

One could think that it was perhaps a too shallow of a friendship, but during each pre-relationship phase, we were very close, for a very long time, they'd average in years.

We'd attend same social gatherings, share countless fandoms, stand up to each other if one was about to fk up, borrow games with no problem, share all kinds of close stuff, we even watched porn togheter. It must be pretty close friendship to go at their place to comment upon pornography. Don't get the wrong idea, it was epic laughs every time. Their idea too, though I don't see anything wrong with it. x3

In all cases it was a fair, close, equitable, long-lasting friendship. Just the ages differ, happened when I was 12, 16, 19 or 20, and this year too.

Sure I may be a huge dork, mediocre in everything, but it was never a problem, my friend'd be that too, it never affected us, we'd even go up several levels and become better togheter, even if there were gaps between us, we helped each other.


Then relationship happens. Random girl/dude comes along, the story's pretty variable, I've even introduced a friend and helped him get his GF since I knew her, so happy were they I helped, never heard from them again.

In other cases I've done nothing to help or stop them, she got BF, never heard from her again.

I opposed relationship twice, by standing up to them, in one case a boy, in another a girl. In both cases they got mad, their loved one is just too perfect, I'm just some lowly random guy from the internet of course. Forget all that of before.

I effectively vanish from their life, every damn time. It's become quite a predicament, really. Things really go well, timestamp of things going downhill always coincides with relationship beginning. I'm effectively no longer there. Not just not called upon, they're not there for me when I call upon them. Once even happened during a very tough time and she effectively renounced the friendship and everything. When I told her it's not nice and fair of her after all that I'd just get a ton of flak about learning my place.

Each time we used to stand as equals and brothers and went through much togheter for crying out loud! Truly I'm as dismayed as Obi-Wan in his odd jedi rage scene.

I have no idea how to go about this. I do get over it eventually, but that void in my... heart? is annoying deal with. So much is missing every time, I can't believe I got over this terrible stuff this many times. And I've tried all those different ways to prevent it. Did my best, but... there was no way to reach to them, they were with their BF/GF all the time. If I'd point that out I'd get nuclear-bombed pronto.

I remember in a case I had a close call with a relationship, there were some times I did not reply to my friends, indeed I was distracted, but tried rectify whenever I realized it, some hours later. I did get back to them. Even to not-so-close acquaitances. I don't understand why I'm abandoned, I managed to stop myself at least, and give them attention, so there must be a way.

Did any of you actually manage to still keep a bestie after they went on a relationship, if so, really, how? It really feels like the ultimate test of friendship.

[Deleted]

If your bestie leaves you because they get a partner, then he/she wasn't really your bestie.

[dextersmith]

I've only kept friendships with more mature or middle aged men who are in relationships. Those who are 30 and down tend to lose themselves, and the opposite for women. Women tend to cut you off only when their relationships turn serious; maybe cause they only want 1 man in their lives, or he becomes possessive, or interest and priorities change when they get married/have kids.

Edit: I hate it when they act like the friendship's unchanged and never wronged you when they get dumped. I don't ignore friends when I'm dating.

[Independent voter]

I'm guessing OP is male? It's hard to keep relationships when you're male. For females it appears much easier.

[Xar226]

How old are you? The question matters, because the reality changes at different ages.

If you're older, say mid 20s or so when many people are beginning to think of getting married and are pursuing serious relationships, then you just have to get used to it. The reality is that those sexual relationships simply become more and more important as life goes on. Eventually they will get married, have children, get deep into their careers, and just in general have less and less time for you. It doesn't make them poor friends, it's just the natural order of things, and you have to understand that and match your expectations with that reality. A good friend in grade school is somebody you'll see multiple times per week; a good friend in adulthood might mean once a week or once a month or once every few months.

Second question: Are you making an effort to stay connected? Even if they're not reaching out to you, you can reach out to them to see if they want to go and do something together. I know it sucks to feel like you're the only one holding a friendship together, but the alternative is simply letting it die without a fight. One phone call isn't enough. So if you aren't making a strong effort, do it.

If you're going to talk to them about it at all, make sure you do it right. Talk about yourself and your feelings, not them or their new partner. "Ever since you met so-and-so you don't have any time for me!" is going to instantly put somebody back on their heels and defensive. "I wish you had more time to hang out with me" will go over a lot better and get them thinking about solutions.

If you do all of those things and make sure your expectations are reasonable and things still seem to be dying off, there's nothing you can do. Friendships are two way streets, and both sides have to be interested in keeping it alive and well. If the other side isn't for whatever reason, all you can do is deal with the hurt and move on.

[dextersmith]

Second question: Are you making an effort to stay connected? Even if they're not reaching out to you, you can reach out to them to see if they want to go and do something together. I know it sucks to feel like you're the only one holding a friendship together, but the alternative is simply letting it die without a fight. One phone call isn't enough. So if you aren't making a strong effort, do it.

I say end it if they don't value the friendship enough to stay in contact. Don't be a doormat.

If you're going to talk to them about it at all, make sure you do it right.

Don't bother, most times it's futile. Men tend to deny it's happening and women tend to change the topic out of guilt.

[Deleted]

How old are you? The question matters, because the reality changes at different ages.

If you're older, say mid 20s or so when many people are beginning to think of getting married and are pursuing serious relationships, then you just have to get used to it. The reality is that those sexual relationships simply become more and more important as life goes on. Eventually they will get married, have children, get deep into their careers, and just in general have less and less time for you. It doesn't make them poor friends, it's just the natural order of things, and you have to understand that and match your expectations with that reality. A good friend in grade school is somebody you'll see multiple times per week; a good friend in adulthood might mean once a week or once a month or once every few months.

Aye, mid 20-ies. It seems to go along with that trend of way busier lives, it's easier for me to get over lack of contact if it's a more busy time too. I'm busy myself unless it happens in some holiday time, then losing a friend is brutal with no distraction.

Mentioning their better half seems to be a false move indeed, guess I'll avoid that in the future.

As for re-contact, I did on some less... messy cases. Though it's... different. Was pretty awkward, though we apologized and are ok. Guess we just grew different, there was an equality, and it's gone. And I still have to go to many lengths to rebuild things, or it's just awkward. I don't want to be a burden or far beneath, just an equal. x3 Not according to them, it's just a personal thing, I feel like an intruder now I guess, until I'm their equal again. They're like full Heroic and Platinum in League but for friendship, guess I can pull it off too, even if I'm no fan of rated.

In other cases it went better. Actually one came back after getting dumped too! But after about a year I get back to them. I never remove their names, for a time when the bitterness is gone.

Damn shame there's still little to no control over preventing that rift from showing up, unless we'd go way back.

[Deleted]

*Yawn* thanks I was having trouble getting to sleep.